Brand new author, would like (gentle) constructive criticism.

[VanessaNelson]

Thanks Catchalot!

As far as the story goes, I just read it, and while it isn't perfect, its still a great story. You have a few sentences that I'd rewrite, and I'm sure if you wait a week and read it again, you'll notice them.

I gave you a five

Thank you for reading and for voting!

 

[VanessaNelson]

Thanks Bard!!
I really appreciate your specific advice on my story, that is very helpful!!

 

[sr71plt]

JBJ's first post on this thread was to call the OP's story a "report," and provide no supporting arguments. His next post was to pretty much insult the OP, saying that "if she wanted to be a lame also-ran" author here, that was okay with him. None of that, and nothing after, offered any kind of story critique. Sometimes he does offer critiques or insights, but not this time.

Pilot may not have read the story (I don't know), but he did not insult the author, and he was just warning a newbie -- and he wasn't the only one or first one to do so -- that JBJ's posts are not always helpful and are sometimes hurtful.

A lot of us have helped out, or tried to, and that's good. That's what the forum should be for. But helping can come in different ways, and helping someone learn to navigate the forum and the personalities on it is also helpful.

Thanks. I did scan the story and came up with the same issues you did (and since you had posted those, I didn't see the need to). The changes in tense between present and past were the main problems (other technical issues looked minor), and this was one where I thought the use of present tense was intrusive and got in the way of the enjoyment of the read.

As Robert S posted, this is a fiction site. No extra points for saying it's a true story (and most "true" renditions are a bit too tame for the level of fiction here anyway). But saying it was a true story brought up the other issue you mentioned. If the OP was playing off what really happened, I can't believe that there wasn't more concern that they were in an office and could be discovered at any moment. I would expect to see more of the emotions of that folded into the story. That said, the story wasn't completely derelict of description of feelings and sensations. It most certainly wasn't a social worker's "fill-in-the-question-blanks" report.

 

[Myikael]

Excellent story well told! Except for the hijack in the middle of the thread, there are many accurate and precise comments and suggestion.

I will disagree with one comment, however. "...almost freakishly large...". Although one or the other would get the point across (large or freakishly large), in this case the adverb, "almost" is the most precise way of describing just how large it really is. I'd keep that because the person who loves fisting doesn't want it to be a freakish event, just as close as possible, which is what "almost" is.

Thanks for a good read.

 

[PennLady]

Excellent story well told! Except for the hijack in the middle of the thread, there are many accurate and precise comments and suggestion.

I will disagree with one comment, however. "...almost freakishly large...". Although one or the other would get the point across (large or freakishly large), in this case the adverb, "almost" is the most precise way of describing just how large it really is. I'd keep that because the person who loves fisting doesn't want it to be a freakish event, just as close as possible, which is what "almost" is.

Thanks for a good read.

Point taken, but I think if you want to describe something this way, you might want to find better words. "Almost" and "nearly" are tough words. To me, they often seem lazy. Something is or it isn't, and although I'm not looking scientific precision, I am looking for some decisiveness, I guess, on the part of the author.

If I'd been editing, I'd have suggested something like "bordering on freakishly large," or even something simpler like "huge." But these are just suggestions and opinions.

 

[VanessaNelson]

Thank you Myikael and PennLady

Point taken, but I think if you want to describe something this way, you might want to find better words. "Almost" and "nearly" are tough words. To me, they often seem lazy. Something is or it isn't, and although I'm not looking scientific precision, I am looking for some decisiveness, I guess, on the part of the author.

If I'd been editing, I'd have suggested something like "bordering on freakishly large," or even something simpler like "huge." But these are just suggestions and opinions.

Excellent story well told! Except for the hijack in the middle of the thread, there are many accurate and precise comments and suggestion.

I will disagree with one comment, however. "...almost freakishly large...". Although one or the other would get the point across (large or freakishly large), in this case the adverb, "almost" is the most precise way of describing just how large it really is. I'd keep that because the person who loves fisting doesn't want it to be a freakish event, just as close as possible, which is what "almost" is.

Thanks for a good read.

Thanks to both of you for your suggestions and clarifications, they are definitely helpful!!

 

[LolaWilder]

I thought it was a well-written story and had a good pace to it. Your story had a good balance of erotic detail while leaving other less important details out. (As a writer, I find this line one of the hardest to walk.) Suffice it to say, I'm very impressed that it's your first story. You have a lot of talent as a writer, and I hope you keep with it.