Comments

[darkmaas]

Commentin' on comments ...

It would be interesting to have your reactions to those comments.

::

Happy to oblige:

Samovar:

You said:

S2

is great, we'll allow for the Aunt actually saying that, however the end line comes off to me not as an unhammered nail, but one that has actually fallen out of the hole.
Cossack> samovar (good)
Cossack.> samovar> cello?
Musician > polished wood (I changed mahogany).>cello
end refers back to the beginning
just my take
5ed

For the most part it seems a positive review. Thank you. I'm not sure I understand your allusion to hammered and unhammered nails but I took it to mean you felt it anti-climactic. I disagree. In effect it is the poem's "punch line".

You question the cello? It's there partly because the 5 senses challenge required a stringed instrument, but cellos are played between the legs so there was a sly sexual allusion to reinforce her comment and allow a play on the the word "played".

You link words in an attempt to generate a loop. Nice, but I didn't do that intentionally. Your failure to complete a loop in the first instance is an artifact of your own analysis.

BTW I disagree completely and utterly with Anonymous. You are welcome to say anything you want in my comment section. I never delete comments.

::

Rough Brocade:

You said:

5ed

disheveled vulture
cool plaster
cool and unusual sonic combo
molten folds of flesh engorged.
here too

Thank you.

I might argue (and did with myself during the edit) that "molten folds of flesh engorged" is a bit over the top, but I left it as first typed.

You were the only reviewer that didn't complain about the use of the word "grunt". We agree again. The grunt was premeditated and necessary. My point was that orgasm is not a tidy literary affair. We stimulate the pre-verbal inarticulate parts of the brain. Hence the vulture and the grunt. Women will occasionally grunt; get over it and embrace your inner lizard.

::

Salt Lick:

You said:

5ed

as des, i have a problem with s2, but in reverse, don't think it's long enough. also don't think "picks' is a good word to use twice.
she picks up an almond
and the whiff of musk
pulls up as an eddy
that crawls between us
soundwise "crawls" doesn't sound quite right here, i threw in some waste words for length, but would be better if the words actually waffed

I can see your point about "picks". I was trying to loosely link the two actions, but you would be within your rights to ask "why?"

I was less than happy with crawling scents but wafted seemed a bit cliche. As I recall the musk was a requirement of the challenge. I wanted to introduce a taste of sexuality to provide a backdrop for my commentary on the fashion industry and it was an easy way to do that.

::

 

[darkmaas]

... I get that same feeling as to why you seem to be tailing my ass.

...

But thank you, you have illustrated very well what my relationship to this place is
"a waste of electrons". You and the incorrigible over in new poems.

I don't believe I am "tailing your ass". I would argue that you are providing most of the comment worthy posts these days. I agree with a lot of what you say (see above) and reply if I don't. I'll stop if you want.

Your second comment implies that "such a waste of talent confined to a few short poems and inane posts," (your words from another post) somehow makes your relationship with the forum a waste of time. I don't understand how, but again I'm happy to stop replying to your posts, because the forum would be less lively without you.

::

 

[twelveoone]

::

Happy to oblige:

Samovar:

You said:
For the most part it seems a positive review. Thank you. I'm not sure I understand your allusion to hammered and unhammered nails but I took it to mean you felt it anti-climactic. I disagree. In effect it is the poem's "punch line".

You question the cello? It's there partly because the 5 senses challenge required a stringed instrument, but cellos are played between the legs so there was a sly sexual allusion to reinforce her comment and allow a play on the the word "played".

You link words in an attempt to generate a loop. Nice, but I didn't do that intentionally. Your failure to complete a loop in the first instance is an artifact of your own analysis.
::

we see what we see, and I am often wrong because of perspective (as is everybody else)
true, defer to writer, I must have missed something,

Rough Brocade:

You said:

Thank you.

I might argue (and did with myself during the edit) that "molten folds of flesh engorged" is a bit over the top, but I left it as first typed.

You were the only reviewer that didn't complain about the use of the word "grunt". We agree again. The grunt was premeditated and necessary. My point was that orgasm is not a tidy literary affair. We stimulate the pre-verbal inarticulate parts of the brain. Hence the vulture and the grunt. Women will occasionally grunt; get over it and embrace your inner lizard.

::
::

'grunt' is a near (there may be one better, but I can't think of it) perfect word here, in context, and sonically. it is poetry but not pretty (poetism)
I should have specifically stated that.

Salt Lick:

You said:

I can see your point about "picks". I was trying to loosely link the two actions, but you would be within your rights to ask "why?"

I was less than happy with crawling scents but wafted seemed a bit cliche. As I recall the musk was a requirement of the challenge. I wanted to introduce a taste of sexuality to provide a backdrop for my commentary on the fashion industry and it was an easy way to do that.

::

wafted is a cliche, agree, I believe I referred to the action, but didn't come up with an alternate word choice

as this is a commentary on the fashion industry, 'picks" is justified, probably needed, the double use does run contrary to the "taste of sexuality" - judgement call on both parties.

The parameters of restriction (response to challenge ) where not known to me.

Thank you for the response and kind words, I do get the over whelming feeling I am just wasting my time, and as I often don't precede the comment with "word flurry" the effect can be abrasive. Your consideration of my comments is all that is needed. i.e. agreement all the time is just fucking wrong.

 

[Remec]

Hey there, I wanted to leave just a little note in response to a recent comment:

.....Yeah, I see your point, I tend to let my worries and
.....anxieties over a general lack of training and poetic
.....instruction to hold me back in leaving comments
.....and critiques of others' work. But, from reading
.....what you and other active members in the Poetry
.....Forum have posted, I think I am going to be a little
.....more active on that side of things.

I tend to be a bit of a sponge, and don't read as much as I should for fear of picking up on someone else's style or turn of phrase; but you're right, the interaction between us all is totally another way of learning and evolving and should be something I put more effort into.

(I was going to just drop this in a PM, but your box is full and then I remembered you had a thread about Comments.)

Thanks for your input, btw.

 

[twelveoone]

Remec,
All your fears are unfounded. Training etc.?, Do you know how many West Point officers were fragged in Vietnam? Why? Extreme case. It is the You that learns, and here you won't get killed. Just bruised from time to time.

 

[todski28]

on poem mindful maladies

In
08/11/13 By: twelveoone
the great Rorschach of life, just another blotch, I repeat myself while under stress.
You are doing some nice things with sound, you got to the end before I did. Suspense was a little lacking.

Thanks for the comment on this poem. It was an experiment in sound also I wanted to ask if I managed to control the tempo of the piece? suspense was supposed to be in the punctuation, yes it was a straight linear progression howevern, I was wondering in your opinion did the read start slow, speed up in the middle, then slow down to end? id that is the case then I have contrrolled the piece, if not then it was a partial success beacause the sonics were noted by yourself.

 

[twelveoone]

In
08/11/13 By: twelveoone
the great Rorschach of life, just another blotch, I repeat myself while under stress.
You are doing some nice things with sound, you got to the end before I did. Suspense was a little lacking.

Thanks for the comment on this poem. It was an experiment in sound also I wanted to ask if I managed to control the tempo of the piece? suspense wasn't actually thought of (damn) I was wondering in your opinion did the read start slow, speed up in the middle, then slow down to end?

fuck tod, you want me to work?
e had a good point. read the Raven. temp is most easily controlled by commas, (slower) repeats of sounds where the mouth doesn't have to work as much (probably faster)
serenity surrounds compare to confusion corrupts I can't be bothered to memorize the jargon that goes with phonology and phonetics but suffice it to say con to fu and cor to rupts takes a little work.
re: your poem
A silent retrospective,
lounging, calm, relaxed
serenity surrounds. I would can, serves what purpose?
hmmmmm.... ditto
uncertainty unchains, would move more towards the bottom

They are there, I hear them
they must be there?
Surely? wouldn't Where be better?
now you are doing something with directional prepositions under, down, but you start it with in the cieling (sic) ceiling feel it would be better as up in the.
up and down are stronger sight cues, in and under and over, less so, but can be used as another cue.
Now you do some work...
what is happening here (just sound, sat it fast and enunciate )
as i said my ass slept
surely you must have experienced it, I don't expect many to catch it, but you?
and then go read what I said about awe.

 

[todski28]

It sounds similar to a phrase that I have heard many time, I'm not sure 100% thouygh I have been revisiting it daily, as soon as the penny drops you will be the first to know, same as with your prose poem, I don't like to speak in haste otherwise I say stupid shit

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Just in case you miss it in the other thread and I'd like an answer ........ What the hell has nachos got to do with being another notch on the bedpost?!!

 

[HarryHill]

Just in case you miss it in the other thread and I'd like an answer ........ What the hell has nachos got to do with being another notch on the bedpost?!!

nacho problem; it's the handcuffs you need to explain...

 

[twelveoone]

Just in case you miss it in the other thread and I'd like an answer ........ What the hell has nachos got to do with being another notch on the bedpost?!!

well you could ask the anon...I just agreed with him..this is just an uberfriendly uberagreeable ploy i am...bullshit. You ended a poem on a trite cliche, rewording it as just another nacho for the dip, well that would have been a little different.
Your ending showed no thought.

Don't bother to give me a smart ass answer, that goes back to the days when they first discovered notchs. i.e how do I love thee, let me count the notchs on thy twated hat.

 

[twelveoone]

It sounds similar to a phrase that I have heard many time, I'm not sure 100% thouygh I have been revisiting it daily, as soon as the penny drops you will be the first to know, same as with your prose poem, I don't like to speak in haste otherwise I say stupid shit

Don't worry about it, a failed experiment on my part, i.e if you didn't get, no one else will, an overreach on my part.
as i said my ass slept slur and spit

Following links posted for the I don't know crowd that I assume what to learn, from 1,000's on the Internet
Reading poetry is one thing, Writing another, but you really can't write unless you read, and it is a different type of reading
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/751/01/


http://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/ReadingPoetry.html

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/19882

http://www.theguardian.com/books/2008/sep/21/poetry.writing.wendycope

and you don't have to agree or think that this is the best approach for you, but it is a start.

 

[todski28]

Don't worry about it, a failed experiment on my part, i.e if you didn't get, no one else will, an overreach on my part.
as i said my ass slept slur and spit

Following links posted for the I don't know crowd that I assume what to learn, from 1,000's on the Internet
Reading poetry is one thing, Writing another, but you really can't write unless you read, and it is a different type of reading
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/751/01/


http://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/ReadingPoetry.html

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/19882

http://www.theguardian.com/books/2008/sep/21/poetry.writing.wendycope

and you don't have to agree or think that this is the best approach for you, but it is a start.

For some reason I couldn't get it to link together as you have pointed it out. I couldn't get past the ass, I kept trying to make it sound like asshole, or asshat. I went over it every day, even as far as putting it on the dash of the car.

thank you for the links I have read all of the others you have posted as best I can in understanding and with time. You help to keep things grounded and there is always logic in your opinion. however I am still at the stage where it is like trying to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

 

[todski28]

by twelveoone08/14/13


Don't believe your own Press

Press on. Think about what you are showing and telling and try NOT for the poetic the STATEMENT. Would have been nice with a twix candy bar, cause the beer alone don't bring it down to earth.
It looks like you are writing poetry for the sake of writing poetry;
in this sheer vastness
that caresses continents
i.e. the wisp need a twix
Didn't vote.


this poem was a two fold piece for me, a response to Angeline who tried to get me thinking less descriptive and more emotive, so show what is happening instead of explain what is happening. It was originally written as a discard piece, I got some good feedback on the line caressing continents and attempted to rework it. I had no responses on the rework, so I thought I might teach myself some editing for once. so you are seeing the end result of where my edit ended up. Is it perfect fuck no, did I learn from writing it hell yes. regardless of you seeing it as a pointless endeavour to read, it was a selfish endeavour on my behalf to try and progress as a writer. the fact that people commented on it in a positive way was heartening that it wasn't a total waste of my time.

Thanks for your comment as it is still a grounding one.

 

[twelveoone]

a response to Angeline who tried to get me thinking less descriptive and more emotive, so show what is happening instead of explain what is happening.

it's fucking tough isn't it?
Keep in mind, anything you write; someone won't see it, someone will see it, and someone will see through it. And then there is the cluster of assholes that look at it from a pair of stilts.
The important thing is that YOU see it through, to the best of your ability. In the meantime tap your buddy Ash and get him to read these links, truth be told, most here would do well, even as a refresher course.

 

[twelveoone]

Anybody else got a problem? Most of you can go read the notes on A as in zzzzzzzzz, which judging from Tod's and Harry's non reaction is a failure, so be it, took about 7 minutes, I know what takes about 7 minutes and I know the 499 of mine you don't see are just bad ideas, read me, Mr. A?

 

[HarryHill]

Anybody else got a problem? Most of you can go read the notes on A as in zzzzzzzzz, which judging from Tod's and Harry's non reaction is a failure, so be it, took about 7 minutes, I know what takes about 7 minutes and I know the 499 of mine you don't see are just bad ideas, read me, Mr. A?

Non reaction, Mr. G? If I remember correctly mine was, 'b follows c, pour another.
Now b follows c was my attempt to refer to another poem (12's internet safaris: voyage to distant shores) found or referred to in your teachings where the author was purposely using b's and c's in the poem (sonics 101) pour another means simply ...more; an offhand remark to 100 drunken posts in an hour? was that it?
All this is off the top of my head without looking. It's like that flaming duck poem, takes awhile to assimilate. and the a as in z thing, can it possibly mean ascendancy. I used something similar in my poem 'cereal world' (see the real world). I think everybody missed that too. post it here. show me those pointers. Please?

 

[twelveoone]

Non reaction, Mr. G? If I remember correctly mine was, 'b follows c, pour another.
Now b follows c was my attempt to refer to another poem (12's internet safaris: voyage to distant shores) found or referred to in your teachings where the author was purposely using b's and c's in the poem (sonics 101) pour another means simply ...more; an offhand remark to 100 drunken posts in an hour? was that it?
All this is off the top of my head without looking. It's like that flaming duck poem, takes awhile to assimilate. and the a as in z thing, can it possibly mean ascendancy. I used something similar in my poem 'cereal world' (see the real world). I think everybody missed that too. post it here. show me those pointers. Please?

you're good, harry, I like that. I planted two in your gardenz. Read' em and weep, 'cause if I ever see a self reference to "bottom rung" I'll hit you with the whole fucking ladder. And I'll throw in the fucking "stilts". There are things there, and you are fucking good at it.
In my case the title was my ass fell asleep, as it does often, reading the prolific outpouring of those that refuse to work, the "exuberance of poetry" . And the only reason I posted it was a line test, the line did not work. Same as "red tint", word test, didn't work. Actually, in that one I predicted the response, but was hoping I was wrong. I wasn't.
Regarding failure, some of the most interesting things I've seen are failures, an overextension a trying out of a new tactic, why do you think GM is so fucking good when he retracts a bit from a failure?
Now that I said you are fucking good.
Question it, you know the whole valued perspective thing. What am I seeing? Is it there? Was it subconscious? Someone else seeing it, brings it up to a conscious level. What is the next step?

fucking better as in yourself, and you are doing it.

Suppose you see something that isn't there, well you are the reader, and you just discovered another tactic you can use in your writing. But you have to look. Maybe two steps over.

 

[HarryHill]

fuck daddy g, thanks. The rungs are bear bait from the dit, dit, dit. dah, dah, dah thread/posts and others. I consider you a boon companion; there was no offence, only jest and a sprinkle of self-depreciating truth inherent in a voyage up a ladder that we all occupy on the way to something else. and I never said bottom rung. *shudders*
..

12..
What am I seeing? Is it there? Was it subconscious? Someone else seeing it, brings it up to a conscious level. What is the next step?

is a step like a rung? I see what you are saying. comments, comments, it's alol the comments. Myopic eyesight searches for the steps.
..
Where the fuck is tod?

 

[todski28]

Work has gotten busy, still trying just too friggen busy

 

[HarryHill]

Work has gotten busy, still trying just too friggen busy

..
just good to know you're out there and reading. Are you composing while you work?

 

[todski28]

everything I have done has been typed on my phone while I work. I then transfer it to the computer which is my first "edit" then I tend to post it after that.

 

[twelveoone]

everything I have done has been typed on my phone while I work. I then transfer it to the computer which is my first "edit" then I tend to post it after that.

back it off a day, reread it, for starters.
you are neither Coleridge or Ginsberg yet.

 

[todski28]

I guess I'd better look those guys up stupid no education lol

 

[butters]

I guess I'd better look those guys up stupid no education lol

that doesn't make you stupid. it might render you unaware, same as i am about a whole lot of stuff, but stupidity's about the inability to learn or - far worse - the refusal to apply the ability.
look at it this way, tod - you've so much to look forward to reading for the very first time!