Communication

[Desdemona]

I used to clam up when angry or upset.

It was a key element to the demise of my "never should have happened" marriage.

I have learned in many arenas of my life to communicate clearly.

I still struggle sometimes with the thought that rejection could be the result of communication, but in that case, it is as it should be.

My head says one thing.
My heart trembles in fear.

Miss T, what can I say? Communication was a problem in the demise of my "never should have happened" marriage too. I know exactly where you are coming from. Despite my good intentions, I still miss the boat entirely although I'm getting a bit better at open communication.

 

[MissTaken]

Miss T, what can I say? Communication was a problem in the demise of my "never should have happened" marriage too. I know exactly where you are coming from. Despite my good intentions, I still miss the boat entirely although I'm getting a bit better at open communication.

As with all things, it take practice!

 

[zipman]

I used to clam up when angry or upset.

It was a key element to the demise of my "never should have happened" marriage.

I have learned in many arenas of my life to communicate clearly.

I still struggle sometimes with the thought that rejection could be the result of communication, but in that case, it is as it should be.

My head says one thing.
My heart trembles in fear.

I think you're fears are understandable. However, I think that communication is always best! If you do communicate and it leads to rejection, at least you were honest. Then you know that if the communication caused it, it wasn't meant to be. However, if you don't say something and a relationship breaks down, then you will always be wondering whether it would have worked out if you had communicated.

Statistically speaking, I think the head is right more often than the heart!

 

[serijules]

I used to clam up when angry or upset.

It was a key element to the demise of my "never should have happened" marriage.

I have learned in many arenas of my life to communicate clearly.

I still struggle sometimes with the thought that rejection could be the result of communication, but in that case, it is as it should be.

My head says one thing.
My heart trembles in fear.

man can I relate to this.....still is an issue for me, fear of rejection.

 

[MissTaken]

man can I relate to this.....still is an issue for me, fear of rejection.

My head is going to tell you that if you clearly state your needs and then, find yourself alone, the relationship wasn't what you thought it was.

Then, there is always a little piece that wants to say, "Nanny nanny boo boo you weren't good enough."

That little voice needs a ball gag!

 

[Ebonyfire]

lack of communication or stacking the deck

I always think of the lack of clear communication or ineffectual communication as stacking the deck. When you do not disclose the information your partner needs, you ensure the outcome is the one you want rather than risk an honest response.

An honest response may not be in yoour favor or may be one that is hard to hear.

Ebony

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Zip, Eb, Des.....

You know I want a first.

And some lube.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Wow!

Excellent thread and I found it just after posting about communication on the GB. Karma, Kismet, fate, or dumb luck!



Obstacles to communication based upon my own experience and opinion:

~A fear that your needs, thoughts or feelings will be ridiculed. This occurs in all types of relationships, not just intimate relationships. Have you ever had a great idea on the job and not suggested it to your supervisor? Then, to find that someone else came up with the idea?

~Self confidence in your ability to communicate clearly. There have been times when in a tough situation, I have actually rehearsed what I needed to say. Journalling or e mails can be helpful in this respect because you can always edit before sending.

~Fear of backlash: IF I say, "I need this...." The implication is that I am not getting what I need. If that implication gives the listener cause to feel defensive, he or she may come bck with , "Well, you never..." or "I need this and you are failing..."

~Image: Sometimes, I find myself not voicing my needs or my weaknesses out of fear that someone will recognize that I am vulnerable. It can be difficult to show your weak underbelly and trust that it will remain in tact. We are all vulnerable. We all have needs. Remembering that would do us all well, but isn't easy.

~admitting error: This really sucks in any relatinship. Who wants to admit to making a mistake? Well, it takes many life lessons to learn that admitting your mistakes puts them in a workable position. If you tell your boss you fucked up, he is less likely to be angry when someone else points it out and will definitely work with you to ameliorate the situation. He may chew you out in the process, but he is the boss

~In terms of SSC: I know as subs, we often want so much to please our partner that we may give consent for something we aren't ready for or hesitate to use a safe word. If you dont' feel comfortable using the safe word or communicating with your Dom where a limit may be, you need to take a close look at the relationship and the level of trust involved. It doesn't mean this isn't the One for you, it does mean the relationship needs some tweaking.

As an individual, as a woman and as a supervisor, I dont' like surprises. Communication will help to avoid those surprises.

Ummm when I think of more, I will return.

Excellent response!

Eb

 

[Mr. Bootie]

Don't you just love the way she puts things.

My head is going to tell you that if you clearly state your needs and then, find yourself alone, the relationship wasn't what you thought it was.

Then, there is always a little piece that wants to say, "Nanny nanny boo boo you weren't good enough."

That little voice needs a ball gag!

Gotta love Miss T. She is articulant and witty at the same time. Good points Miss T.



kgboot
aka "Mr. Bootie"

 

[zipman]

Another reason

That people may not communcate effectively is because of self-esteem issues. I dated someone once who had serious self-esteem issues. She felt that her opinion wasn't worth being heard. No matter how many times I urged her to communicate, she just couldn't get past this feeling that her opinion was worthless.

By not valuing herself, she devalued the importance of what she had to say.

 

[~Dream~]

well I may not agree with everything

you say at all ZIP , BUT In all Honesty ,I DO appreciate the thread ...
) Communicate in person whenever possible
Communicating in person is usually the best way, as it allows both parties to see each others reactions to what is being said. Communicating by phone is the next best way because you can hear someone's tone and inflection. Print or electronic communication is a distant third, as there are no other visual or audio cues to the message. It is easy to misinterpret meaning without audio or visual cues.

Master and I have big troubles with getting our true feelings out via TEXT messages only ,but a VERY WISE woman ( Ghost's amaris) suggest something as simple as taking turns to "speak freely' with one another therefore getting the RESPECT and need to truly be heard that we BOTH need and deseve... Master also now KNOWS tha it's VERY important to me,at least To be able to HEAR his most powerful ,awesome as hell sexy Dominant voice either through VC or the phone as much as possible as it helps keep my mind in the REALITY of our relationship.. I ned to hear that "tone' of Control in His voice as I submit ..

~A fear that your needs, thoughts or feelings will be ridiculed. This occurs in all types of relationships, not just intimate relationships. Have you ever had a great idea on the job and not suggested it to your supervisor? Then, to find that someone else came up with the idea?
**Yes Fear causes us to do all kinds of silly things , i have found its best to just open uP and be HONEST ..

Image: Sometimes, I find myself not voicing my needs or my weaknesses out of fear that someone will recognize that I am vulnerable. It can be difficult to show your weak underbelly and trust that it will remain in tact. We are all vulnerable. We all have needs. Remembering that would do us all well, but isn't easy

** I feel this is REALLY true in the case of Most Dom/MES .. they think if they "expose' the real FACT that they have weakness or make mistakes(everyone is Human ) that they feel their subwill look at them with less respect or something and that simply isnt TRUE at all.. in my relationship ,because of the FACT that my Master has opened up Himself so much to me ,it has helped me to not only LOVE him deeper for the STRONG man He is inside for doing so , but also it Bulds my trust in Him ,even more..
We subs need to know sometimes from our Dom /mes that they too are as I said , Human , just as capable of failure as we are..

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Another reason

That people may not communcate effectively is because of self-esteem issues. I dated someone once who had serious self-esteem issues. She felt that her opinion wasn't worth being heard. No matter how many times I urged her to communicate, she just couldn't get past this feeling that her opinion was worthless.

By not valuing herself, she devalued the importance of what she had to say.

Then, there are times that poor self esteem inhibits communication in another sense.

One partner wants to cover his or her lousy self image by always being right, never entertaining another's opinion and basically negating everything another has to say. Somtimes, being afraid to be wrong destroys a relationship by destroying the communication and attachment between two people.

I lived with Mr. Low Self esteem for eight years. IT really sucked.

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Don't you just love the way she puts things.

Gotta love Miss T. She is articulant and witty at the same time. Good points Miss T.



kgboot
aka "Mr. Bootie"

You, my friend, are biased!

 

[zipman]

Re: Re: Another reason

Then, there are times that poor self esteem inhibits communication in another sense.

One partner wants to cover his or her lousy self image by always being right, never entertaining another's opinion and basically negating everything another has to say. Somtimes, being afraid to be wrong destroys a relationship by destroying the communication and attachment between two people.

I lived with Mr. Low Self esteem for eight years. IT really sucked.

Exellent point MissT. Many people do use communication to brow beat there partners and mask their own insecurities.

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Re: Another reason

Then, there are times that poor self esteem inhibits communication in another sense.

One partner wants to cover his or her lousy self image by always being right, never entertaining another's opinion and basically negating everything another has to say. Somtimes, being afraid to be wrong destroys a relationship by destroying the communication and attachment between two people.

I lived with Mr. Low Self esteem for eight years. IT really sucked.

___________________
here here Miss T (applauds) me too ,its so Funny really that THOSE PEOPLE WHO just ALWAYS gotta be RIGHT are really indeed the ones who suffer from "LOW self-esteem.. it's as if they :"get off' on puttin other people Down with THEIR supposed "Knowledge" of what they say or do is "BEST' AND no one elses's opinions REALLY matter at all,sad really ... all people like that are reallly doing is DENYING themselves to look at things from a different and perhaps BETTER perspective ...JMHO
I am happy to say that I dont FEEL as defensive as I once used to be and I belive it reflects in my posts as I continue my search inside to the REAL me with Master's guiding hand ..

 

[zipman]

Re: Re: Re: Another reason

___________________
here here Miss T (applauds) me too ,its so Funny really that THOSE PEOPLE WHO just ALWAYS gotta be RIGHT are really indeed the ones who suffer from "LOW self-esteem.. it's as if they :"get off' on puttin other people Down with THEIR supposed "Knowledge" of what they say or do is "BEST' AND no one elses's opinions REALLY matter at all,sad really ... all people like that are reallly doing is DENYING themselves to look at things from a different and perhaps BETTER perspective ...JMHO
I am happy to say that I dont FEEL as defensive as I once used to be and I belive it reflects in my posts as I continue my search inside to the REAL me with Master's guiding hand ..

 

[~Dream~]

 

[morninggirl5]

My head is going to tell you that if you clearly state your needs and then, find yourself alone, the relationship wasn't what you thought it was.

Then, there is always a little piece that wants to say, "Nanny nanny boo boo you weren't good enough."

That little voice needs a ball gag!

I've got one of those little voices, too. Let me know if you find the appropriate size ball gag.


So far, that little voice has been the major impediment to me being able to clearly communicate with dominants.

 

[MissTaken]

I've got one of those little voices, too. Let me know if you find the appropriate size ball gag.


So far, that little voice has been the major impediment to me being able to clearly communicate with dominants.

I can honestly say, it gets easier with time and growth.

There are always times that I wish I had my mental ball gag, but by and large, as we gain confidence in who we are as submissive women in this relatively new and foreign arena, it gets easier.

Like many things,
practice makes perfect

 

[~Dream~]

Being able to CLEARLY communicate

your needs as a sub is indeed the FOUNDATION to all happiness , and I'd like to thank both Ghost's amaris ,MsWorthy and Miss T for all their help regarding this very crucial and tough time I was experiencing during thios "learning' phase of Our journey

 

[MissTaken]

Are we ever really done with our "learning phase?"

You're welcome.

 

[zipman]

Are we ever really done with our "learning phase?"

You're welcome.

Great questions MissT. I would say the answer is a resounding NO! Not ever! Life is one big long learning phase. Of course there are the preliminary learning phase, the early learning phase, the still learning phase, the Wow I just realized how much I still have to learn phase, the I've learned a lot but now I have new questions learning phase, and so on, and so on.

But it's all good!

 

[~Dream~]

lol@ Miss T and Zip

Are we ever really done with our "learning phase?"

You're welcome.

________________
Sorry that sounded like a 1 time deal ,I never meant it to ,it was just a tough time period that we came through with flying colors ,Of course we NEVER get done "learning" lol we are Learning from the time we leave the womb till the day we die,everyone knows THAT..

 

[Ricckk]

Great thread!!

I used to clam up when angry or upset.

I still struggle sometimes with the thought that rejection could be the result of communication, but in that case, it is as it should be.

-and-

One partner wants to cover his or her lousy self image by always being right, never entertaining another's opinion and basically negating everything another has to say.

Not communicating (clamming up) is also communicating, the same as crossing your arms or frowning. Body language is almost impossible to read on the phone or internet, but a focused partner (dom, sub, husband, wife etc.) should be able to discern when one clams up if normal communication is good...even online.

The second part of the quote also demonstrates that other forms of communication (arrogance, etc.) can also be seen for what they REALLY are despite what words are being spoken.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Are we ever really done with our "learning phase?"

You're welcome.

Life is a learning experience, the only people not capable of learning something new are dead people and people who have not been born yet.

It all depends if you are open to the experience, cause sometimes knowledge is painful.

Eb