Communication

[MaraschinoCherry]

This is perhaps more about the relationship part of communicating rather than BDSM though?

Thank you, Iris. And sorry for derailing things here—back to BDSM!

 

[IrisAlthea]

Thank you, Iris. And sorry for derailing things here—back to BDSM!

Oh, don’t worry about derailing. Thread entropy is unavoidable.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I think this thread should be one of the ones highlighted in blue at the top of the page. We all can do a better job communicating in all facets of our lives. In most of the threads, people ask the same question. How do I. For the most part the answer is the same, you talk, you ask, you communicate. “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always got.”.

 

[Primalex]

I like the idea of a free use bracelet or anklet. It's worn regularly, but can be taken of. It eliminates the obviously counterproductive:"Well, can I free use you today?" and also allows a less frightening start into the free use world. And it doesn't diminish the intensity of free use (I think so at least, maybe it does?) as the submissive can still wear it even though she feels like shit and would rather not have sex.

 

[Dearelliot]

When my pro mistress arrives I have on the table a note of what I want...She is good at following directions, but not a natural Femdom, so she usually needs coaching. After meeting her often she now has a much better idea of what I want from her.
I have had other pro Mistresses that better understood the D/s scene and needed no input from me. Some Mistresses I've met are quite good at picking up hints and the body language and can have me play me like they play the violin.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I like the idea of a free use bracelet or anklet. It's worn regularly, but can be taken of. It eliminates the obviously counterproductive:"Well, can I free use you today?" and also allows a less frightening start into the free use world. And it doesn't diminish the intensity of free use (I think so at least, maybe it does?) as the submissive can still wear it even though she feels like shit and would rather not have sex.

It seems smart to me. It would take a lot of the guess work and annoyances out of it.

I’ve heard people use the sleeping more or less naked or special sleep wear as a signal for when it’s ”free use while sleeping”. I don’t think it would work for me because Sleeping Iris sometimes has other opinions than Awake Iris.
It hasn’t been a problem though, because Sleeping Iris is a chrystal clear if not very polite communicator, I’m told.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Some Mistresses I've met are quite good at picking up hints and the body language and can have me play me like they play the violin.

I would guess that experience makes a big difference?

 

[Primalex]

I’ve heard people use the sleeping more or less naked or special sleep wear as a signal for when it’s ”free use while sleeping”. I don’t think it would work for me because Sleeping Iris sometimes has other opinions than Awake Iris.

Are you worried that you would feel bound to your pre-sleep promise?

 

[IrisAlthea]

Are you worried that you would feel bound to your pre-sleep promise?

No. It’s interesting that you would ask that though.
That would be the case if I was awake. Not something I’m afraid of - rather how I know I am.

It just wouldn’t be a reliable sign for what reaction he might get. It seems that when I really need my sleep, I snarl in a pretty scary way. Not in the ”I’m afraid she might call a lawyer” way but rather the ”I’m horny, not suicidal” way.

 

[Dearelliot]

I would guess that experience makes a big difference?

It's been quite a while maybe 20 years since I've been with a really experienced professional, but yes there is a big difference. Just the inflection and tone of voice, her expression, the look in her eyes, can make my knees weak.

 

[Primalex]

I’ve also seen people describe really well how you can test the waters, read people and how you sometimes can improvise very nicely

Most things can be ramped up. It's not a choice between asking:"Can I touch your boobs?" or immediately grabbing a handful and checking the reaction - you can touch her body and slide your hands over her body towards the destination. She will understand what is going to happen even without words.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Most things can be ramped up. It's not a choice between asking:"Can I touch your boobs?" or immediately grabbing a handful and checking the reaction - you can touch her body and slide your hands over her body towards the destination. She will understand what is going to happen even without words.

I think this is a good example of how it isn’t 0 or 1 and so much is said between the lines whether it is acknowledged or not.
Some would say there was no communication in what you described but body language can be rather effective communication.

It’s funny because in other situations I think people are rather interested in that kind of thing like ”how do you know if they are lying?” or ”mirror the interviewers body language to make them like you” or ”how do you recognize and fight master supression techniques?”.

Again, I’m not arguing that we should talk less or be less straight forward about important stuff.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I think this is a good example of how it isn’t 0 or 1 and so much is said between the lines whether it is acknowledged or not.
Some would say there was no communication in what you described but body language can be rather effective communication.

It’s funny because in other situations I think people are rather interested in that kind of thing like ”how do you know if they are lying?” or ”mirror the interviewers body language to make them like you” or ”how do you recognize and fight master supression techniques?”.

Again, I’m not arguing that we should talk less or be less straight forward about important stuff.

You have to be very careful with reading body language, you can get yourself into some trouble. Some men misinterprete flirting for other than it is.

 

[IrisAlthea]

You have to be very careful with reading body language, you can get yourself into some trouble. Some men misinterprete flirting for other than it is.

Yes, relying only on it as a standalone is tricky. Dismissing or not being aware of the information being sent via body language is worse though I think, because it is there whether you acknowledge it or not.

I’m not sure if you mean that men can get in trouble if they act on body language they misinterpreted as inviting or that women can get in trouble when men misinterpret their flirting as an invitation to more than flirt?
Both things certainly can and do happen.

In all honesty though

"Can I touch your boobs?"

can get you in trouble too - even there you need people-and situation-reading skills. (In fact, I have a hard time seeing when that sentence would work, used with a straight face.)

In the latter situation, some people misinterpret ”No.” even when used as a complete sentence and backed by tone and body language. Or is that
”misinterpret” perhaps?

In a relationship I would hope that these things wouldn’t be as swim or sink but still useful in deciding for example when to press an issue or leave it for later.

Anyway, I am in no way promoting the use of body language etc as only means of communication.
I do however think the answer to ”How do they make it work so well in their relationship?”, ”Why does he/she get all the girls/boys?”, ”How can they read my mind like that?” etc, often lies in being skilled at those other types of communication.

 

[SheisFaye]

Communication! Yes, this. In my last experience my ex was in the legal field. I thought this would be perfect for Communication but he had no time for it. Even now when we aren't speaking and he's clearly said we're "done" I don't know if it's something meant to torture me and teach me a lesson because he's always pressing buttons and wants me in pain. As far as I know he's had no formal training as a Dom but his personality favors it and I fantasize about him often. It's as of he was just on the brink and prefers mind games to caring for me. He would never talk. Everything was a land mine. He was my "first" and its scarred me greatly and left me wanting. He was very promising but I think no communication, structure, or contract is a huge red flag. He could be the very best Dom if he had the capacity to care.

It's a shame that we have to leave room for the DSM5 personality types that bait with a fetish to meet their needs. And hey maybe we all do that in a sense but we certainly try to make it a positive healthy experience.

It's an excruciating but a valuable lesson.

 

[thejabber27]

Communication and Safety are the number 1 and 2 issues for BDSM. Need to loudly advocate for it and help politely call it out when it's needed. It's part of the reasons that Doms and switches need to try all the toys and play concepts to the best of their ability before bringing them into play with their subs/switches. You need to think of all the things that can go wrong, might be awkward, etc. then bring them in with your sub, get their input and then have fun. Even then things go wrong and you gotta communicate and figure out how to proceed. And these are all very personal matters.

To go further the Sub should take the lead on this as well, if there's a toy/play they want to try, there should be some iniative to do a bit of research on this themselves, will they feel safe, is this like other things they've tried before, how dangerous might this be, is there space. Then speak with their partner and see if it's feasible.

Talking is important and if things are bothering you then bring them up. Like other relationships BDSM relationships need to bee 100/100.

 

[Will527]

I think the key to the right level of communication is being brave enough to tell your partner exactly how you feel about all things sexual. Blurt out those secret desires, no matter how bizarre or kinky, and include the fears as well. Then leave it up to your partner to decipher what will work for both of you.

 

[JamieJ424]

In my past 24/7 relationship, Here’s what we did.

I would plan play, generally. I’d tell her when and how long, to make sure she was on board. But even once she agreed she knew she had veto power, no questions asked, and also that she could make specific requests…sometimes she really needed to suffer for me. Or other times she needed to be treated gently and cared for.

My role as dominant is to plan a scene for both of us. I knew her, knew what she liked, knew what she didn’t like. So the scene would incorporate things for both of us. She liked OTK spankings and rope bondage and the hitachi and, and, and. She didn’t know what was coming, but she knew I would do my best to make sure we were both happy by the end.

Afterwards is when the communication took place. Not immediately…right after play there was aftercare and rest and quiet. Over breakfast or dinner the next day we’d discuss what went well and what didn’t, what she liked, what I liked, new things to try in the future, etc.

The dominant partner is the planner and caretaker, and in order to be effective the dom needs input from the sub. Sometimes those conversations are unsexy, but they lead to moments that cannot happen unless both partners can be open and forthright about what they need.

If my plan is to yank down her jeans and spank her ass red, and then hold her down by the neck and CNC her…but she had a fight with her mother that morning, and she feels bloated, and her boss was a dick about her big project…I need to know that so I can shelve my plan and draw her a bath and make her favorite tea. And she needs to know she can tell me all that without fear.