Complicated Question

[A Desert Rose]

You all can jump on this guy, whose story no one here knows and who, according to his spouse, seems to know he's NOT a dominant person. And who, again according to his spouse, is NOT in her head when she dreams of being dominanted. That tells me that somewhere in her head, she too, knows he's not a dominant.

I think know exactly how this woman feels. I was married a long time to a man who could not dominant me or anyone else, for that matter. That didn't make him less of a man. But it did make him something other than a dominant. I would think as a community, we would be more tolerant of people who are not interested in bdsm or D/s. Not everyone is as perverted as we are. And not everyone wants to be.

I'm with Catalina on this. And since I don't know anything about this man or how he feels and thinks, I'm not about to accuse him of being close-minded for not wanting to "try" to be what she wants him to be.

 

[SirFace]

You all can jump on this guy, whose story no one here knows and who, according to his spouse, seems to know he's NOT a dominant person. And who, again according to his spouse, is NOT in her head when she dreams of being dominanted. That tells me that somewhere in her head, she too, knows he's not a dominant.

I think know exactly how this woman feels. I was married a long time to a man who could not dominant me or anyone else, for that matter. That didn't make him less of a man. But it did make him something other than a dominant. I would think as a community, we would be more tolerant of people who are not interested in bdsm or D/s. Not everyone is as perverted as we are. And not everyone wants to be.

I'm with Catalina on this. And since I don't know anything about this man or how he feels and thinks, I'm not about to accuse him of being close-minded for not wanting to "try" to be what she wants him to be.

Thats fine, its your opinion and I respect that and it may apply to everyone out there but me, but 5 weeks ago I was in his shoes. But I loved her enough to give it a try, even though the thought of "hurting" her or causing her pain was completely alien to me. and I "knew" I could never touch her this way or be anything other than gentle (little did I know there was a difference between good pain and bad) I never would have known if I hadn't tried. She sent me to this site. Big shock at first. Look at me now.

 

[catalina_francisco]

As usual, my intent didnt come across with my words. I also dont think its fair to ask someone to change who they are, but how can someone KNOW they dont like something without giving it an honest open try? Like 3 weeks. Ive found in the field testing I do for my job, that it takes 3 weeks of doing something different or using different tools before you can make a good judgement on whether you like something or not. My post was intended to show that.

I doubt anyone can make that judgement so quickly in this area without some experience with it.

How do you know you dont like spinach if youve never tried it?

Maybe I am not the norm but my case is a perfect example.

In some part I agree, but not wholly. I think for some people it is very easy to know that it definately would not be for them without ever even going close to trying it. It can be about knowing yourself inside out and what touches and repels you to your soul. Comparisons can be good, such as I don't need to jump off a cliff onto rocks to know it is not going to rock my boat in a good way, nor am I going to have to go behind my Master's back about something to know it is not going to feel good to me....these are just things I know about myself and while the first example is a bit outlandish, the second one is not so and yet I am sure of my feelings on both situations just as equally and without trying them.

I can imagine a lot of people who would not feel BDSM was for them and with good reason...reality is that is OK because we are not all alike, nor do we need to feel compelled to try something to please those who want us to just to satisfy their needs or curiosity....truth is, many people who insist you need to try something before they will accept your not liking it (and even then many will want you to try over and over until you say you like it), be it alcohol, drugs, coffee, D/s, etc., have a personal interest in gaining your acceptance and possible participation which for them outweighs and concern for your tastes, needs, or choices. I am open to many new experiences and it is how I live my life, but I do not allow others to make those choices for me or manipulate me into a position where I feel compelled to do as they want.

Catalina

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I understand how touchy this subject can be for some of us. Luckily for those like SirFace and myself for example as well as others I can think of, talking to our SO's worked out for the best. However, it doesn't always happen that way. Not everyone is wired for kink. This very well could be the case in this man's way of thinking. He just may be strickly vanilla all the way and that's ok too.

It doesn't help LaLover get what she needs from her husband though. It sounds to me like she's got a decision to make and it's one that she alone has to make.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You all can jump on this guy, whose story no one here knows and who, according to his spouse, seems to know he's NOT a dominant person. And who, again according to his spouse, is NOT in her head when she dreams of being dominanted. That tells me that somewhere in her head, she too, knows he's not a dominant.

I think know exactly how this woman feels. I was married a long time to a man who could not dominant me or anyone else, for that matter. That didn't make him less of a man. But it did make him something other than a dominant. I would think as a community, we would be more tolerant of people who are not interested in bdsm or D/s. Not everyone is as perverted as we are. And not everyone wants to be.

I'm with Catalina on this. And since I don't know anything about this man or how he feels and thinks, I'm not about to accuse him of being close-minded for not wanting to "try" to be what she wants him to be.

You put it much better than I could. I also was in a long term relationship before I began looking for a D/s partner, and as far as I am concerned he could have made a very good Dominant in some ways, but he just could not cross that line of giving pain which was part of who he was and something I was not prepared to do without, so as difficult as it was at times, it became obvious we were not meant to be. He has since seen some of the physical evidence of my SM play and he still cannot think of it as pleasureable for himself or anyone receiving. He respects my choice, I respect his but he does not have to try it to prove to me he is sure of what he feels and made the right choice.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

I understand how touchy this subject can be for some of us. Luckily for those like SirFace and myself for example as well as others I can think of, talking to our SO's worked out for the best. However, it doesn't always happen that way. Not everyone is wired for kink. This very well could be the case in this man's way of thinking. He just may be strickly vanilla all the way and that's ok too.

It doesn't help LaLover get what she needs from her husband though. It sounds to me like she's got a decision to make and it's one that she alone has to make.

You're so right dixi, and I said this before. It is HER decision to make, not his. And I guess that's why it annoys me when people jump on him for this. She has to work this out somehow and hopefully, inside her marriage in a way that will work for them both. I wish I (as I'm sure others here do too) had a magic answer to make it easier for her, aside from the standard... COMMUNICATE, which everyone keeps saying to her, just in different words.

There's a point where communicating no longer works. And like you said, we are not all the same, and just because it worked out for you or someone else, does not mean it will work for him. He knows himself better than I do, or anyone else here. And so does she.

There are certain phrases in her OP that really struck at home for me and I think I understand what she's going through. Some of those same phrases were in my head at one time. And from my own personal experience, these kinds of situations don't work out. As Catalina said "it was not meant to be."

I hope that in her situation, it does work out.

 

[saw_man1]

Better than Dr. Phil

As I read through this thread again I was struck by how good some of this advice is!

But then again, that is so often the case on this board.

What a great group!

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

 

[SirFace]

I can imagine a lot of people who would not feel BDSM was for them and with good reason...reality is that is OK because we are not all alike, nor do we need to feel compelled to try something to please those who want us to just to satisfy their needs or curiosity....truth is, many people who insist you need to try something before they will accept your not liking it (and even then many will want you to try over and over until you say you like it), be it alcohol, drugs, coffee, D/s, etc., have a personal interest in gaining your acceptance and possible participation which for them outweighs and concern for your tastes, needs, or choices. I am open to many new experiences and it is how I live my life, but I do not allow others to make those choices for me or manipulate me into a position where I feel compelled to do as they want.

Catalina

I should just quit while Im behind but this thread hits home for me too so here goes. I have found that most people are naturally resistant to change, there are exceptions but not many. This natural resistance to change can prevent people from experiencing new things, whether they like them or not comes later and then you have a basis for decision. This resistance to change can come from or instill, fear, apathy, and also is a safe zone, a security blanket. "what is familiar to me is safe" Change takes work and some courage. Everything and everybody changes with time, like it or not.

Ive never suggested she try and coerce him or insist on anything. That wouldnt work for me either. I do think he has a responsibility as her husband to recognise the gravity of her request and think about trying. The "you go ahead honey as long as I can have girlfriend" just seemed like a cop-out to me and a bad sign for that marriage..

I hope it works out for you. Whatever the outcome. I know how shocked I was at first.

 

[Ebonyfire]

The best advice I ever got

It has been said many different ways but the bottomline is this:

Never ask someone to do more that they can do. It is a hard lesson to learn, but that is the gist of it.

If someone is incapable of doing something, fulfilling a certain need, then there is nothing you can do. Expecting more is not only unfair, but it is unrealistic. We have to take people the way we find them. Change is only good when it comes from within.

Communication is the key, but again you can only communicate if there is someone on the other side who is willing to communicate with you.

She has to decide what is in her best interest.

Eb

 

[Ritza]

LA i was in a similar situation. married for 26 years. loving my husband dearly and discovering that what i have been suppressing for a long time, are desires i could no longer ignore.

my husband is very vanilla and did not want to have anything to do with the lifestyle. he would always refuse to go to munches with me, but always encouraged me to go with out him. the more i learned, the more i shared with him but he always said it was not for him.

one day he spoke to me in a way that he had never done before and told me if i needed to get beat so bad, go! you know your way home. now he knew all that this intimate type of relationship entailed. when i tryed to speak to him about the sexual aspect of it, he didn't even let me start. he just said that this conversation is over, i have already said what i was going to say.

i had spoken to several dominates and finally found one that was understanding about my situation and that my husband also liked. i'm as up front as my husband lets me. he is always aware of when i go to see my Master. he usually helps me pack since my dominant lives in another state. he does not asks what goes on when my dominant and i are together and i don't share. my dominant does not ask what my home life is like and i don't share.

i have to be honest with you, it's very hard to live my life so separate. it's very difficult trying to love two people without short changing the other. i find i want to share things with Hubby and realize i can't. i find that i wish to share things with my Master and can't. i definately can't share with my friends. it can be very lonely at times. i'm well aware that this type if situation is not for eveyone. but for right now it's worth it for me.

 

[FurryFury]

Wow Ritza,

I'd be so lonely if there were things I felt I needed to talk about with my Dom or my husband or a friend and couldn't. I hate it when people close off avenues of communication and intimacy.

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[Ritza]

Well fury it's not so much as avenues closed off on purpose but boundries that i adhere to in order for this complicated situation to work. i'm guessing that my husband does not wish to know what is being done to me. so how can i share those things with him? i believe that my dominant wishes to have my presence more often. so how can i share my home life with him?

it's a very hard and lonely balancing act but the rewards have been great. i'm finally getting to know who i am.

 

[FurryFury]

Good for you!

*smiles*

I'm just a talker I guess. So anyone with me is going to have to be tolerant of the fact they will know what I need to talk about and they'd better be cool with it or we are all going to be unhappy.

I guess I'm bad that way.

Fury

 

[saw_man1]

it's a very hard and lonely balancing act but the rewards have been great. i'm finally getting to know who i am.

It sounds like you have compartmentalized your life about as well as it can be done under the circumstances. It's not perfect but sometimes you just have to play the cards you are dealt.

You know your living a life not unlike that of a double agent. Mata Ritza or Ritza Hari. It could make for an interesting role play.

 

[FurryFury]

Hey you can at least talk about it here and in PM's to individuals who won't judge you too.

 

[Ritza]

Fury thanks for your understanding and compassion, i so much appreciate it.
you are very kind!

 

[Ritza]

It sounds like you have compartmentalized your life about as well as it can be done under the circumstances. It's not perfect but sometimes you just have to play the cards you are dealt.

You know your living a life not unlike that of a double agent. Mata Ritza or Ritza Hari. It could make for an interesting role play.

i am a believer that you have to play the cards you're delt with as best you can.

and as for a double agent, i like it's more like multiple personalities!!!

 

[FurryFury]

Fury thanks for your understanding and compassion, i so much appreciate it.
you are very kind!

You are more than welcome.

I feel we are sort of all in the same boat as human beings. I can't be perfect and I'm not here to save everyone but I do what I can no matter how little it is at the time. Sometimes it means something to someone and then you smile.

*smiles and hugs*

Fury

 

[SirFace]

I cant even reply other than to say, Thank god I was willing to try and it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. I love her more now than I ever thought possible.

Good luck with your balancing act. I could have never dealt with it as well as your husband, he is far more secure than I have ever been.