Critique/feed back for Techno Tanya

[KeithD]

I certainly write long paragraphs. I'm happy to blame Durrell for that.

 

[LWulf]

Thank you for your review.

There is an interesting, unusual erotic story here, but it's obscured by a lot of stylistic choices you've made and basic punctuation and other errors. They're so distracting that it makes it a lot more difficult to appreciate the story. Many of these issues already have been raised. My points:

1. Tense. There's nothing wrong with present tense, in theory. But your story is a textbook example of the hazards of its use, because your tense is all over the place. You shift at times to past tense. You use past and present perfect tense. You use the conditional. Your use of tense is not consistent. For example, this sentence: " Although very gifted, Tanya could be a little naive when it comes to human interactions, including sexuality." In this sentence, "could" should be "can."

...
The trouble is that while I wrote the initial story in present tense, the rewrites inevitably slid in some past tense edits. Two sets of eyes, and I thought I got them all out. Any further use wasn't intended, or if you thought that creativity, it wasn't. Just plain errors.
...

I will further state that if I had written it all in past tense, edits would inevitably have had different tenses as I think in different ways when I rewrite, and the same issue would still arise. You might think "One is that it's easier. (Two) You are less likely to make mistakes." but you are dead to rights wrong, at least in my regard.
Suffice to say, I am aware of my foibles.

"'...Yes, yes, I know.' Tanya sighs in exasperation. "

This one line of dialogue violates several rules. It shouldn't start with an ellipsis. The word "know" should be followed by a comma, not a period. And the dialogue tag would be better if it was simply "Tanya said." "Sighs in exasperation" doesn't really add anything. It's implicit in the four words of dialogue.

What was originally attempted, was that two people were saying the same thing at the same time, which prefaced your quoted text. One stating something dogmatically, while the other recited what she knew was forthcoming; ending with "...yes, yes, I know."

In the audio version of the script, this was much easier to state. Again, this script may yet be put into an audio format, and while I want it to be a stand alone reader, I want the potential audio listener to be able to follow along with the written version as well.

I wrestled with spartanly describing the mentioned passage; without dropping the tempo. I couldn't.

I knew it was lame, but I tried to present the same context without all of the ensuing narration.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Realistically, tense is the kind of thing that gets fixed in two stages. 1) a better editor, and 2) you finding your narrative voice. The more you develop your style and take control of your output, the more that problems like this simply fade Into the rearview.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Realistically, tense is the kind of thing that gets fixed in two stages. 1) a better editor, and 2) you finding your narrative voice. The more you develop your style and take control of your output, the more that problems like this simply fade Into the rearview.

Agree this. Once Simon pointed it out - acting as quasi-editor - and I became aware of it, it's no longer an issue. I catch it at the starting gate. And, yes, your 2), definitely agree with that.