Critique of first story "Looking for Wood"

[PennLady]

LWulf, I hope you don't mind, but I just sent you a sort of re-write of part of your story, just to show you what I meant on different counts. Much easier than trying to explain it here. I used the feedback link in your profile to send it, so it will come to your email account.

I did this before seeing your last post. I think I hit some of the points -- Bill's job, etc. I admit I wrote him perhaps more confident than you were aiming for, but I can't see why he'd be lacking confidence.

 

[LWulf]

LWulf, I hope you don't mind, but I just sent you a sort of re-write of part of your story, just to show you what I meant on different counts. Much easier than trying to explain it here. I used the feedback link in your profile to send it, so it will come to your email account.

I did this before seeing your last post. I think I hit some of the points -- Bill's job, etc. I admit I wrote him perhaps more confident than you were aiming for, but I can't see why he'd be lacking confidence.

I don't mind, but I don't think I will get it. I think I have the option turned off for anybody other than forum admin to e-mail me.
You'll probably get a mailer daemon that it couldn't be sent...

Not minding doesn't mean I'd make those changes of course.

 

[PennLady]

I don't mind, but I don't think I will get it. I think I have the option turned off for anybody other than forum admin to e-mail me.
You'll probably get a mailer daemon that it couldn't be sent...

Not minding doesn't mean I'd make those changes of course.

Hmmm. Well, it's in the ether then. I didn't save the file. Which is probably a first for me. Actually, I didn't send a private message from here -- I went to your profile, clicked on your name, and filled in the form. I got no errors there, but I guess it will go unread. Also I checked my own page, and you can select not to receive anonymous, or not to receive any, but you can't receive only from forum admins.

I didn't send it from an email account, and the form doesn't save a copy. Oh well. Pity, I thought it had turned out pretty well especially since I generally don't write that kind of thing. Anyway, you might just want to check to see if you got it. The email address has my user name.

And the idea wasn't necessarily that you'd make those changes, I was just trying "show" the things I was talking about. I thought it was easier to demonstrate.

Also -- if he's so not-confident, why is he doing the spanking?

 

[lovecraft68]

I thought it was pretty good, some odd word choices here and there.

For instance in the last sentence I am wondering how some one "smiles quietly"

 

[Tyro999]

.

...and as to the Alzheimer's comment, don't do that again, not in my thread. That's beneath you.

JBJ, enough, I just said something to him. please don't start a flame war, at least in my thread.

You two have history, fine. Not in my thread.

Since the days of the Usenet/Internet newsgroups, there is no such thing as ownership of a thread in forums like this. You may start a thread, but that is the last control you have over it. More often than not, it will go on its own way regardless of your intent.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

I thought it was pretty good, some odd word choices here and there.

For instance in the last sentence I am wondering how some one "smiles quietly"

I would be more interested in how they would smile loudly.

 

[lovecraft68]

Dude.

Very rarely does "Sorry, but..." mean that you are truly sorry, in this instance, it reads as you aren't sorry at all. Which reads as "I don't respect you, and will do as I like." Which then means you don't have any self-respect.

I am not telling you how to think, just not to act that way in my thread. Take it outside!

You think he is wrong, then say "he is wrong". I have absolutely no problem with that, but then explain why.

I don't care if he is right or wrong. HE is trying at least, YOU are just trying my patience.

As Tyro said above me, you have no control over a thread and have to just ignore posts that annoy you-you can use the ignore feature and not read anything by the people you put there.

As for GA and JBJ? You'll have to excuse them. One is constantly ornery and the other rarely sober.

 

[lovecraft68]

I would be more interested in how they would smile loudly.

That would be a neat trick. One of those cases where people say you can skip adverbs altogether.

 

[_Lynn_]

That would be a neat trick. One of those cases where people say you can skip adverbs altogether.

All adverbs or the ly adverbs?

 

[LWulf]

For instance in the last sentence I am wondering how some one "smiles quietly"

I would be more interested in how they would smile loudly.

Ever notice when someone smiles, that they exhale in a huff, you could say they are quietly laughing or that they are smiling loudly.
I don't. Instead, I just note when a person smiles, quietly. Get it?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Ever notice when someone smiles, that they exhale in a huff, you could say they are quietly laughing or that they are smiling loudly.
I don't. Instead, I just note when a person smiles, quietly. Get it?

Good point.