D/s: growing too attached?

[the captians wench]

I have some abandonment issues, first with my father who moved 6 hours away when I was a kid and him and mom split, then when my step father died ( I know he didn't want to go yet, but it's hard not feeling like he left me when I really needed him), then again when my husband left me, and when my mom kicked me out of her place, and with my cousin who moved out of the apt we shared in the middle of the night the night before the rent was due. I know this really puts a strain on Jounar sometimes because I get very clingy when I feel insecure, and the fact of the matter is we both have to live our day to day lives. I can only imagine what it's like to have a sub across the ocean who rings you twice a day, texts you 10 times and sends about 50 emails and IMs, tho I have toned it down a bit. As long as things are looking up in my life, I tend to be okay, but when I get too stressed or something dramatic happens then this feeling of abandonment takes over and I bug the hell out of him. I think he's finally gotten used to me, so he's pretty good at sending me offliners and things when we haven't gotten to chat in a while. And I've gotten better at dealing with things on my own sometimes.

I have a friend here who can be a big help. But he sometimes disapears on me when things get busy with his work and such and I'll go a week with out a word from him, and a month between visits with him. He very much gives me the since of.... well he lets me spend hours cuddled with him which is something that I really need, and another thing that Master just can't provide right now.

I think in both cases, we've adjusted a bit of our norm to accomidate the other person. I don't send nearly as many messages as I used to, and they each make efforts in their own ways to make sure that I know they aren't going anywhere any time soon.

 

[titmouse]

Re

I'm sorry I didn't find the time to respond to everyone who offered their thoughts in the past few days. I have been reading your comments and followed the discussion though and I will try to make up for the lack of responses now.

lil_slave_rose and MasterPhoenix:

Thank you both for stopping by and sharing some of your experiences. I understand from your posts that you are headed for a major milestone in your relationship and I apprecite very much that you still took the time to respond here.

Rose, I am sorry to hear that you have to fight depression but glad to know that you have someone who cares for you deeply and understands some of what you are going through.

I have been doing some reading in the past few days and will continue to do so, since learning more about depression only seems to evoke more and more questions in my mind. Unfortunately, I do recognize more and more of my friend's behavior as matching some of the descriptions I have read, at least about the 'bad' days. I so very much hate that inept feeling that there is nothing I can do or contribute to help him feel better when he draws back from me and feels down. I think he has this idea that he has to fight and overcome this condition on his own before he can move on with his life, in a private as well as professional sense, closing out friends and family and even professional help. My common sense tells me that is not the best strategy, I do heal better emotionally in a stable and caring enviroment that is supportive of me and I think sometimes he regards his life and possibilities more negative than they actually are, so should benefit from another point of view. So I keep thinking he goes wrong about how to best fight these influences in his life, but then again it has to be his choice and desire to make things better the way he choses to, and I try to respect that, though I keep thinking it causes both of us and also many other people in his life unnecessary pain.

Sorry for the rambling, I guess I am just worried and wish there was something I could do, but fact is at the moment I can only sit and wait until he decides he is 'fit' enough again to be fun and communicative company and worthy of my time or whatever.

I know I can't force him to open up to me, I just wish he could open up to someone.


the captains wench:

Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences.

I think I can relate to some of it actually. Being clingy can manifest in different ways for me and there was a time when the more he pulled away the more I wanted to hold on. Naturally it didn't work and caused us both frustration. But it was something we discussed and managed to get through
and I think the trouble of it helped us both to understand each other's needs more. I remember how I used to be out of my mind with worry when he would just disappear one day without any indication after chatting for a few hours daily and not show up for a week or two at all, not responding to my emails. I had all kinds of crazy ideas what might have happened to him and worried lots.

Compared to those times there is a noticeable improvement now, when he says that he is not in a communicative mood or drops me a short email the other week hoping I was doing well and that he misses me lots, though he says it is his fault. It feels like after a while a wall would build up around him that keeps him away from me. I have learned to expect it to happen after a few weeks and to respect it, though it still hurts an awfully lot and thorws me off balance. Gotta work on it more I guess, how to best give him space without me going crazy with frustartion, doubts and worry.


Etolie:

Thank you for posting too. I have already read some of your experiences in the Mental Health and BDSM thread that Catalina kindly brought to my attention. I'm sorry you have to go through so much, but glad to learn that you have found ways to manage the conditions. From what little I have learned about mental diseases so far, that is a very difficult task, one many can never achieve, so I hope you are proud of it. I appreciate your kindness very much and your willingness to share your experiences with others, again something many wouldn't be able to do. Thank you.

As for the playing computer games, I actually gasped out loud since it sounded frighteningly a lot like me. I call it 'escapism'. It usually happens when deadlines are coming my way and I feel overwhelmed. As a certain appointment draws near, one I should have done lots of working/preparing for, I feel more and more like I can't finish things anyway, before I had even started. So instead of using what time there is left as best as I could to minimize the damage, I play some dumb computer game, ususally something mechanic, like mine sweeper or tetris, that doesn't require me to think, can just blend my mind out and forget about the responsiblity and failure ahead.


Catalina:

I have done some reading and searching for 'tests'. The ones I have found were either not significant in my opinion - 10 yes/no questions or less - or were multiple choice ones, but didn't show any results just said you should print them out and take them to your doctor. I'll continue looking and reading though, but if you should happen to stumble over the one you have mentioned before, which was not specific for any group, I'd appreciate it if you could share the link. Maybe others might benefit from it too.

Thank you for your posts, I certainly can understand how your insights and experiences might have helped your friend understand her husband's condition better.


All:

I can only second Etoile, this is a wounderfully understanding and supportive thread and I don't think I can ever thank you enough for it. I wanted to share though that I have been feeling better, the mood for crying seems to have ceased and I feel much calmer since reading your responses. Special thanks to Catalina's, for the one that I mentioned before to have hit home.

I just wanted to let you know that each of you makes a difference here and wish everyone a wounderful New Year!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina:

I have done some reading and searching for 'tests'. The ones I have found were either not significant in my opinion - 10 yes/no questions or less - or were multiple choice ones, but didn't show any results just said you should print them out and take them to your doctor. I'll continue looking and reading though, but if you should happen to stumble over the one you have mentioned before, which was not specific for any group, I'd appreciate it if you could share the link. Maybe others might benefit from it too.

Thank you for your posts, I certainly can understand how your insights and experiences might have helped your friend understand her husband's condition better.

This is one test which seems to go beyond the popular 10 quick questions and gives feedback I believe. This one is the one I think I might have been thinking of, but I am not sure.

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

lil_slave_rose and MasterPhoenix:

Thank you both for stopping by and sharing some of your experiences. I understand from your posts that you are headed for a major milestone in your relationship and I apprecite very much that you still took the time to respond here.

Rose, I am sorry to hear that you have to fight depression but glad to know that you have someone who cares for you deeply and understands some of what you are going through.

I have been doing some reading in the past few days and will continue to do so, since learning more about depression only seems to evoke more and more questions in my mind. Unfortunately, I do recognize more and more of my friend's behavior as matching some of the descriptions I have read, at least about the 'bad' days. I so very much hate that inept feeling that there is nothing I can do or contribute to help him feel better when he draws back from me and feels down. I think he has this idea that he has to fight and overcome this condition on his own before he can move on with his life, in a private as well as professional sense, closing out friends and family and even professional help. My common sense tells me that is not the best strategy, I do heal better emotionally in a stable and caring enviroment that is supportive of me and I think sometimes he regards his life and possibilities more negative than they actually are, so should benefit from another point of view. So I keep thinking he goes wrong about how to best fight these influences in his life, but then again it has to be his choice and desire to make things better the way he choses to, and I try to respect that, though I keep thinking it causes both of us and also many other people in his life unnecessary pain.

Sorry for the rambling, I guess I am just worried and wish there was something I could do, but fact is at the moment I can only sit and wait until he decides he is 'fit' enough again to be fun and communicative company and worthy of my time or whatever.

I know I can't force him to open up to me, I just wish he could open up to someone.

you're welcome. and honestly there is nothing you can do to make it better for Him,..except tell Him you're there for Him. maybe when He comes back this time, tell Him how YOU'RE feeling and let Him know what His absences do to you. if it is indeed depression He suffers from, He does need to know the pain He causes others in His 'down' days when He turns away from everyone, but don't be harsh, just let Him know you're there, and that He doesn't have to turn away from you in the 'bad times' that you'll still care for Him even then. best of luck to you.....

 

[titmouse]

Update

you're welcome. and honestly there is nothing you can do to make it better for Him,..except tell Him you're there for Him. maybe when He comes back this time, tell Him how YOU'RE feeling and let Him know what His absences do to you. if it is indeed depression He suffers from, He does need to know the pain He causes others in His 'down' days when He turns away from everyone, but don't be harsh, just let Him know you're there, and that He doesn't have to turn away from you in the 'bad times' that you'll still care for Him even then. best of luck to you.....

Thank you, rose. I was firmly planning on talking to him about it and actually had been hoping to be able to do so by now. Another month has passed without any contact. My numbness has ceased mostly as my crying spells have too, I am focusing on other areas of my life and the days tick by. I scold myself when I happen to think about him as it still makes me sad and very empty inside. Though it was hard in the beginning, I haven't contacted him in the past 3 weeks since he didn't return my email and IMs previously.

I guess even I get the hint after some time ... I don't think there is much point in making up excuses for him anymore.

I hope he is well and that his life is rolling on a good track. Obviously without me though.

 

[Etoile]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[myinnerslut]

as am i.

{{HUG}}

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Thank you, rose. I was firmly planning on talking to him about it and actually had been hoping to be able to do so by now. Another month has passed without any contact. My numbness has ceased mostly as my crying spells have too, I am focusing on other areas of my life and the days tick by. I scold myself when I happen to think about him as it still makes me sad and very empty inside. Though it was hard in the beginning, I haven't contacted him in the past 3 weeks since he didn't return my email and IMs previously.

I guess even I get the hint after some time ... I don't think there is much point in making up excuses for him anymore.

I hope he is well and that his life is rolling on a good track. Obviously without me though.

awww..i'm sorry and had really hoped that he'd returned and you'd discussed things i am, however, glad to hear you are focusing on other parts of your life as a result..take care and you know you've got support here if you need it *smiles*

 

[MistressSatin]

awww **hugs** for Titmouse! I only discovered this thread today, and have been steadily reading my way through with hope in my heart, only to read that he hasn't been in touch again ...

I'm so so sorry ... Keep smiling and keep busy!

and if he comes back please please please think really carefully before you let him into your heart/life again! There is only so much pain that we can cope with!

Cyber hugs from Satin!

 

[titmouse]

Awwwwww ... You ladies are very sweet. Thank you for your support.

I just figured with all the nice people offering their advice and opinion on the situation, a quick update was more than due.

Have a great Valentine's Day all!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

One day at a time, sweety... one day at a time.

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Awwwwww ... You ladies are very sweet. Thank you for your support.

I just figured with all the nice people offering their advice and opinion on the situation, a quick update was more than due.

Have a great Valentine's Day all!

::hugs:: hope all is going well with you