D/s Online relationship success

[kimuk]

The only way for what? For having a little bit of fun, for escaping from "real world" into virtual therefore a fantasy one, for exploring certain facet of sexuality without all the baggage and risks? Or for meaningful long time sincere relationship based on love? I dont believe having a second one online is the "only way" least for "lots". If you cant find a way to be skin to skin with the person you truly love and want to spend life together in due time, then it is not such deep and meaningful relationship. It may take years but people all over the world find ways to be with that one special person if they really want so.
So how is that the only way for lots?

The Kat has claws!
Sweetie ,you are ,as everyone is, entitiled to your opionion, as I am to mine.
Shame its such a bitter one.
You have no idea about my personal circumstances or that of my Doms.
The people who suceed in a D/s relationship "just on line" OR with the occasional meetings, when it can be arranged are classed as "second class" subs/Doms.
Its small minded to judge people you don't know.
We each do what we want to do , how we want to do it and its does not diminish the experaince, the connection or the loyalty.
Get off your high horse.

 

[kimuk]

QUOTE=StrayKat;39930560]The only way for what? For having a little bit of fun, for escaping from "real world" into virtual therefore a fantasy one, for exploring certain facet of sexuality without all the baggage and risks? Or for meaningful long time sincere relationship based on love? I dont believe having a second one online is the "only way" least for "lots". If you cant find a way to be skin to skin with the person you truly love and want to spend life together in due time, then it is not such deep and meaningful relationship. It may take years but people all over the world find ways to be with that one special person if they really want so.
So how is that the only way for lots?

I seldom post but the bolded part of the above quote raised my hackles.

I've been in a committed, long distance/online/skin-to-skin when it's possible relationship for more than 15 years. My Dom and I have no desire to live together or to find a way to be together 365 days a year. We <gasp> aren't even in love! We've been judged before for "not being real" and "just playing" but those judgments have been made by people who seem to think that there's just one way and of course it's their way. Anything outside of their capacity for understanding must be fantasy.

Our relationship is full of respect and desire and trust and honesty. We're great friends and have a connection that, IMO, is rare. And we have mind-blowing sex. Does the fact that we've chosen NOT to push for more make the relationship any less real or or meaningful? I say NO. We don't leave the baggage or responsibilites at the door. As for risks? I know to some it's impossible but for "lots of us" it is quite possible to develop very strong emotional attachments to someone we don't spend 365 days a year with. Does it make the pain of a broken heart any less? Does it mean that when a relationship ends the pain is less than someone who chooses to live with their one special person? I think not.

Relationships - deep, meaningful relationships - are built in a lot of different ways. And for some of us, because of cirmcumstances or just plain old lack of desire to do so, don't find ways to be with that one special person.

Sometimes I'm amazed by how judgemental people in this community can be. Isn't there enough from the outside world without inflicting it upon ourselves?[/QUOTE]
I absolutly agree with everything you say!

 

[butterfly_flip]

I was talking about online relationships, not "we get together when we can" relationships. No washing socks does not make for meaningful relationship, sharing life with your SO as much as you can does. At least for me.

Well I agree with you
I couldn't do online only in the long term, it just would not be fulfilling, I'd find it increasingly frustrating, and ultimately I'd end up miserable.

Those for whom online D/s works, that's great, but I'll never fully understand it.

 

[the captians wench]

My dear, the fact that you do want such things, though you are not in a position to realize them puts you out of what I am talking about.
I am talking about "I have no desire to ever actually meet him but I think our online typing/cam/phone sessions are just as valid, meaningful and of the same quality as your 24/7 10+ years long marriage". You see, I have a problem not being dismissive when I read such statements. If I love I want to belong with my mind, soul and body to that person as much as I can. I cant understand giving him a couple of hours a day and then going on living the rest of my life just as I want and am used to without need for any compromise. For me, that is selfish and I can never see such "relationships" as equal to mine.

And that would be the last comment from me on that subject.

I know you didn't mean my situation. I quoted you because I was feeling very sentimental at that moment and it was because of your comments. We've agreed to disagree before, and I respect that.

I just think validity and meaningfulness, as far as relationships are concerned, are very subjective. There are people out there who say you can not have a meaningful relationship with out it being M/s, or D/s, or male/female, or you have to have kids for your relationship to really be fulfilling, or any vast number of other opinions. Very subjective.

 

[Stella_Omega]

If I love I want to belong with my mind, soul and body to that person as much as I can. I cant understand giving him a couple of hours a day and then going on living the rest of my life just as I want and am used to without need for any compromise.

This is a fabulous statement about you yourself, and bravo for it.

For me, that is selfish and I can never see such "relationships" as equal to mine.

This... not so much. None of us have the standing to judge anyone else's relationship preferences-- especially when they work for that person.

 

[naughty4Daddy]

And anyway...

We're drifting from the topic. I think Lisie wanted some advice on how to maintain an online D/s relationship, instead of a discussion on whether online D/s is superior to or inferior to r/l. This is an interesting discussion of course, but perhaps it would be a bit more constructive to pull it back to the topic at hand. I'm also interested in Lisie's question, so if anyone has any opinions on this topic I'd be happy to hear them too (other than online is so fake, r/l is so much better - we get how "superior" you are...we don't really care.)

 

[Stella_Omega]

I have nothing helpful to say, I am sorry.

 

[IrisAlthea]

And anyway...

We're drifting from the topic. I think Lisie wanted some advice on how to maintain an online D/s relationship, instead of a discussion on whether online D/s is superior to or inferior to r/l. This is an interesting discussion of course, but perhaps it would be a bit more constructive to pull it back to the topic at hand. I'm also interested in Lisie's question, so if anyone has any opinions on this topic I'd be happy to hear them too (other than online is so fake, r/l is so much better - we get how "superior" you are...we don't really care.)

I have no experience with romantic or D/s relationships online but I do have friendships that are mainly online for different reasons.
To maintain them even though I rarely if ever get the chance to hug them when they need it or glare at them when I would like to is not always easy. The reason it works and in several cases has worked for years is probably because both parts value the relationship and can get the hugs and glares from other people.
I can also make the observation that they are not relationships that were intended to be this way.
It started as nothing more than banter, discussions, flirting on message boards without any serious intentions or life brought us physically apart. We have other means to contact each other than online and the relationship isn't hidden.

I see other people who do have romantic and/or D/s relationships online and they mostly evolved from that kind of friendship.
On the other hand most people I know who are really happy with their partners started out as friends.

 

[butterfly_flip]

And anyway...

We're drifting from the topic. I think Lisie wanted some advice on how to maintain an online D/s relationship, instead of a discussion on whether online D/s is superior to or inferior to r/l. This is an interesting discussion of course, but perhaps it would be a bit more constructive to pull it back to the topic at hand. I'm also interested in Lisie's question, so if anyone has any opinions on this topic I'd be happy to hear them too (other than online is so fake, r/l is so much better - we get how "superior" you are...we don't really care.)

Well I can only speak for myself, but I said nothing regards the validity of feeling one may or may not have during the course of an online D/s relationship, I simply said it's not something I could do.

As for advice, well, I'm kinda useless in that regard Communication is the key though to most things relationship based.

 

[knot_sweet]

There has been much good advice listed above about the need for open communication and commitment.
I found that although I am a willing communicator and do not lack commitment, I am also a very affectionate submissive person.
A somewhat unexpected development as I am not in my day to day life.
On line D/s did not meet my submissive need for real life affection.
But it did give me the tools to build a wonderful real life D/s relationship and for that I will always be grateful.


edited to add; Since at least half of D/s is a mental "game", if you aren't sure whether it's for you, then on line is a great way to test the waters. You may be be lucky enough to find a long term, deep connection with someone like some of the fortunate ladies on this site. But you might not. It has the same chances as a real life relationship.

P.S I'm not a fan of the terms "real life" and "on line" as to me they are equally really. From now on, it's going to be "long distance" and "face to face".

 

[LMs_ds]

My questions are...

Is there anyone out there who has a long term (a year or better) online D/s relationship and if so how do you make it work for you?
What were your greatest challenges and how did you address them?
How often do you communicate and what forms of communication work for you?
What suggestions do you have for a late bloomer who is trying to find her way in the labyrinth of this lifestyle?

In real life I don't know of anyone who could help me answer these questions so if you would answer one or more I would be so grateful.

lisie

I've been involved in the relationship with my Dom for more than 15 years - neither of us can remember exactly when we first got involved! (It's hell getting old. ) Most of it has been online/long distance.

How do I make it work? Really it's both of us making it work and although sometimes it's really difficult, we make a point of making sure the other knows that we're equally committed. If one of us was more dedicated to the relationship than the other it wouldn't have lasted a year. It means not clinging or being dependent on Him. It means being strong. It means being honest and expecting honesty in return.

The greatest challenges for me are not being clingy and not being demanding. I know, subs aren't supposed to be demanding but when something feels so right it's hard not to want it ALL the time.

We communicate every day, usually online first thing in the morning and just before bedtime. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week. Emails fly when we can't connect online.

I'd make the following suggestions.

First, take your time. It's hard not to get caught up in the rush but taking your time will give you the chance to get to know whoever you're talking to and to learn just what it is that makes your clock tick.

Keep your "player" radar turned on high. Any PYL who demands instant respect should be run from. (Thinking of all the "what are you wearing?" and "down on your knees" jerks I ran into before connecting with my Dom.)

Read. Everything you can get your hands on. There's a list of suggested reading somewhere here. The two I can remember reading are Different Loving and Screw the Roses.

Don't let anyone tell you that there's only one way or there's a "best" way to be a sub.

And most of all:

Watch out for red flags and trust your gut. It will tell you things that no one else can.

 

[Dosxx82256]

I enjoy online play and am often asked why.

I have experience with both, but in online there is just some freedom to be that person you many not necessarily be in real life.

I equate it in the same fashion as someone who enjoys reading compares a book to its movie. Sure, the movie is fun and easy, but with the book, you can create your own images, your own thoughts and perfects on what the other is doing.

To me the principle is the same with online and r/l D/s.

 

[cainuseeme1980]

The other side

I am a male submissive and my mistress and I have been active together on line for more than 2 years. The unfortunate thing is that we live so far apart.

How do we make it successful?

We accept what we get. There is part of me that would love to live the lifestyle 24/7 but on line that isn't reasonable, and real life gets in the way. So, the moments in time where I can be allowed to serve either in text, on the phone or on cam are my moments I am allowed to enjoy service.

Truth is that it isn't as often as I want. In fact, it isn't any where near as often as I would like, but I also understand we all have lives. I read a link from someone else who said that as the sub, she tries not to be clingy or demanding. She was right, but that is the hardest part. As the sub, you want attention, you desire to serve, but if the dom/domme hasn't the time, you sit "on your knees (figuratively)" and wait the days until you are allowed your chance.

I request. And I try to do things as best I can so she notices. I work for approval. But in the end, the truth is success comes from accepting the limited time we all get.

I hope that helps.

 

[Lighthousedory]

I met a younger lady online who was like you, wanting to explore the lifestyle on line, thinking she had been missing something she really craved. We chatted online, almost every night for several months, then would alternate online with occasional phone sessions. Finally after about a year, she wanted to meet, something we had not anticipated. Because we were honest and open and realistic in our chats, we were abloe to pick right up in real life and we just celebrated our 2 years together living the life.