A whole lot of advice has already been offered in this thread, some of it gently, some if it quite sternly. Frankly, I agree with the vast majority of it, even that which was delivered less than delicately. I'll try not to repeat what's already been said, but focus on a couple aspects that I think have been overlooked so far.
Everyone has soft limits and hard limits. But a lot of folks don't realize that there are hard limits and HARD limits. The first kind of hard limit is the kind of thing you'd never do because it's just too icky or repulsive to you. A lot of folks state watersports as a hard limit, because the thought of it just grosses them out. A Dominant might be forgiven for overstepping this kind of hard limit and giving you a little squirt "in the heat of the moment." It's a breach of trust, but not likely to do permanent damage.
The there are HARD limits. HARD limits are things that NO ONE should do, ever, for any reason, because they put lives at risk. Unprotected sex outside of an absolutely monogamous relationship* in which both partners are KNOWN to be healthy is a HARD limit, not a hard limit. Barebacking puts everyone involved at risk--not just you and the PYL, but each of your spouses, and anyone else any of the four of you are involved with, now or in the forseeable future. Your PYL put you in the position of making a potential life-and-death decision on behalf of at least four people at a moment of extreme weakness and confusion which he himself had induced. I'm not saying that the relationship can't hope to survive this, but it's going to take a LONG time and a LOT of effort for him to prove himself worthy of your trust again.
Let me make an analogy. Removing his condom in the middle of a sexual scene and asking you if you want him to bareback you is just about the same as if he'd been doing a play-piercing scene on you, and suddenly pointed a great big needle at your eye and asked you if you wanted him to pop your eyeball. Maybe that's a shocking comparison, but I think it's apt. He got you deeper into subspace than you'd ever been, and at your most vulnerable moment, asked you if you wanted him to break a clearly-negotiated hard limit and quite possibly damage you in a permanent and physical way. Whether he's a good guy or an asshole, he's got a LOT to learn about the responsibility of topping.
Enough said about that.
Now, you seem to be worrying about the fact that you didn't use your safeword, and whether this means that you aren't cut out to be a good or responsible sub. On that front, I think you can comfortably cut yourself some slack. From the way you describe the event, you didn't use your code word, but you did resurface and stop the action. Safewords are there in part because sometimes a sub can find himself or herself so far gone that they can't think clearly enough to express a need to STOP RIGHT NOW. You managed to stop the scene and the dangerous action without resorting to your safeword. That says to me that you were plenty in control of yourself and the situation, in the context of a submissive's responsibility for her or his own safety. The key isn't whether you uttered the magic word--it's whether you prevented you Dom from really damaging you, which you did.
I read in the book Slavecraft some time ago, that a slave's first duty to any Dominant is to protect the property, which is to say, herself. You can never be a good slave to a worthy Dominant if you allow yourself to be permanently damaged, disfigured or abused. Never think badly of yourself, or of your worthiness as a submissive, simply because you protected the property when your Dom dropped the ball.
As for your pridefulness disqualifying you as a sub, all I can tell you is that it will be an absolute dealbreaker for some tops, a thrilling challenge for others, and a genuine asset for still others. I take pride in my submission, too. I feel that my service, my submission, and my endurance of the challenges a Domme presents me allow me to demonstrate my own strength, and especially the strength of my devotion to Her.
In my experience, Dominants can be divided into three camps regarding their attitudes toward pridefulness in their subs. Some Dominants want a sub who's a worm, a doormat, a piece of worthless trash that revels in denigration and humiliation. And some subs get off on being treated that way. Some Dominants view a prideful sub as a challenge, and get off on the struggle to break their will and control them, the way a cowboy breaks a wild stallion to the saddle. For them, the thrill is bending a resistant sub to their will. The third kind of Dominant enjoys dominating a sub who takes pride in his or her submission, achieving greater and greater feats of service, endurance, and submission. I see this as being akin to the thrill a sports car enthusiast feels behind the wheel of a Ferrari, or a jockey feels racing a champion thoroughbred.
It's REALLY important that you find a Domme that matches the kind of sub you are. If you're a groveller, you're not going to please a Dom who's a bronco-buster or a Ferrari driver. If you're a wild stallion, you're going to piss off both the trampler and the Ferrari driver. And if you're a Ferrari, the trampler and the bronco-buster BOTH stand a real good chance of seriously hurting you in an attempt to break the unbreakable.
Personally, I want to be that thoroughbred racehorse. I want to thrill my Domme by surpassing her expectations, and then thrill Her again when she pushes me even farther. I want to be sleek and sweaty and beautiful, straining to do more for Her, endure more for Her, submit to Her more profoundly, than anyone ever has before. And I want Her to be the perfect jockey, knowing just when to use the whip, and how hard, to push me farther than I've ever been without quite breaking me and ruining me forever.
You'll never be a worm--that much is clear. What you need to do is figure out whether you're a wild mustang, or a thoroughbred racehorse. The fact that you sometimes deliberately bait and challenge your Dom during a scene suggests that you're a wild mustang that ultimately wants to be tamed--but you're sure as hell not going to make it easy! That is exactly what some Doms are looking for; you just need to be sure to hook up with one of those Doms.
(I'm even going to go out on a limb here, and say that in my very non-scientific observations, most male Doms enjoy that kind of resistance, while most female Dommes are looking for either a worm or a thoroughbred. But as I say, that's a very unscientific assessment, based on too small a survey to be statistically valid.)
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*Polygamous folks in closed fluid circles might take issue with this assertion, but those arrangements are (A) damned rare, and (B) rarely as closed as some of the participants like to believe.
Everyone has soft limits and hard limits. But a lot of folks don't realize that there are hard limits and HARD limits. The first kind of hard limit is the kind of thing you'd never do because it's just too icky or repulsive to you. A lot of folks state watersports as a hard limit, because the thought of it just grosses them out. A Dominant might be forgiven for overstepping this kind of hard limit and giving you a little squirt "in the heat of the moment." It's a breach of trust, but not likely to do permanent damage.
The there are HARD limits. HARD limits are things that NO ONE should do, ever, for any reason, because they put lives at risk. Unprotected sex outside of an absolutely monogamous relationship* in which both partners are KNOWN to be healthy is a HARD limit, not a hard limit. Barebacking puts everyone involved at risk--not just you and the PYL, but each of your spouses, and anyone else any of the four of you are involved with, now or in the forseeable future. Your PYL put you in the position of making a potential life-and-death decision on behalf of at least four people at a moment of extreme weakness and confusion which he himself had induced. I'm not saying that the relationship can't hope to survive this, but it's going to take a LONG time and a LOT of effort for him to prove himself worthy of your trust again.
Let me make an analogy. Removing his condom in the middle of a sexual scene and asking you if you want him to bareback you is just about the same as if he'd been doing a play-piercing scene on you, and suddenly pointed a great big needle at your eye and asked you if you wanted him to pop your eyeball. Maybe that's a shocking comparison, but I think it's apt. He got you deeper into subspace than you'd ever been, and at your most vulnerable moment, asked you if you wanted him to break a clearly-negotiated hard limit and quite possibly damage you in a permanent and physical way. Whether he's a good guy or an asshole, he's got a LOT to learn about the responsibility of topping.
Enough said about that.
Now, you seem to be worrying about the fact that you didn't use your safeword, and whether this means that you aren't cut out to be a good or responsible sub. On that front, I think you can comfortably cut yourself some slack. From the way you describe the event, you didn't use your code word, but you did resurface and stop the action. Safewords are there in part because sometimes a sub can find himself or herself so far gone that they can't think clearly enough to express a need to STOP RIGHT NOW. You managed to stop the scene and the dangerous action without resorting to your safeword. That says to me that you were plenty in control of yourself and the situation, in the context of a submissive's responsibility for her or his own safety. The key isn't whether you uttered the magic word--it's whether you prevented you Dom from really damaging you, which you did.
I read in the book Slavecraft some time ago, that a slave's first duty to any Dominant is to protect the property, which is to say, herself. You can never be a good slave to a worthy Dominant if you allow yourself to be permanently damaged, disfigured or abused. Never think badly of yourself, or of your worthiness as a submissive, simply because you protected the property when your Dom dropped the ball.
As for your pridefulness disqualifying you as a sub, all I can tell you is that it will be an absolute dealbreaker for some tops, a thrilling challenge for others, and a genuine asset for still others. I take pride in my submission, too. I feel that my service, my submission, and my endurance of the challenges a Domme presents me allow me to demonstrate my own strength, and especially the strength of my devotion to Her.
In my experience, Dominants can be divided into three camps regarding their attitudes toward pridefulness in their subs. Some Dominants want a sub who's a worm, a doormat, a piece of worthless trash that revels in denigration and humiliation. And some subs get off on being treated that way. Some Dominants view a prideful sub as a challenge, and get off on the struggle to break their will and control them, the way a cowboy breaks a wild stallion to the saddle. For them, the thrill is bending a resistant sub to their will. The third kind of Dominant enjoys dominating a sub who takes pride in his or her submission, achieving greater and greater feats of service, endurance, and submission. I see this as being akin to the thrill a sports car enthusiast feels behind the wheel of a Ferrari, or a jockey feels racing a champion thoroughbred.
It's REALLY important that you find a Domme that matches the kind of sub you are. If you're a groveller, you're not going to please a Dom who's a bronco-buster or a Ferrari driver. If you're a wild stallion, you're going to piss off both the trampler and the Ferrari driver. And if you're a Ferrari, the trampler and the bronco-buster BOTH stand a real good chance of seriously hurting you in an attempt to break the unbreakable.
Personally, I want to be that thoroughbred racehorse. I want to thrill my Domme by surpassing her expectations, and then thrill Her again when she pushes me even farther. I want to be sleek and sweaty and beautiful, straining to do more for Her, endure more for Her, submit to Her more profoundly, than anyone ever has before. And I want Her to be the perfect jockey, knowing just when to use the whip, and how hard, to push me farther than I've ever been without quite breaking me and ruining me forever.
You'll never be a worm--that much is clear. What you need to do is figure out whether you're a wild mustang, or a thoroughbred racehorse. The fact that you sometimes deliberately bait and challenge your Dom during a scene suggests that you're a wild mustang that ultimately wants to be tamed--but you're sure as hell not going to make it easy! That is exactly what some Doms are looking for; you just need to be sure to hook up with one of those Doms.
(I'm even going to go out on a limb here, and say that in my very non-scientific observations, most male Doms enjoy that kind of resistance, while most female Dommes are looking for either a worm or a thoroughbred. But as I say, that's a very unscientific assessment, based on too small a survey to be statistically valid.)
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*Polygamous folks in closed fluid circles might take issue with this assertion, but those arrangements are (A) damned rare, and (B) rarely as closed as some of the participants like to believe.
