Dealing with Survivor's Guilt

[sinnocence]

http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/30/motivator3593515nh2.jpg

 

[BLoved]

ETA: Silly me to believe you wanted a discussion! You are just trying to prove how special and unique you/your situation is!

And you are trying to claim it shouldn't matter without any experience to back it up.

Since no one has stepped forward and claimed they've experienced the loss of their beloved in a bdsm relationship, it would appear I do have unique experiences, at least amonsgt those who have posted to this topic thus far.

You're presumption to tell me, without any experience, what I should feel or think about this topic has been duly noted.

Perhaps those of you with no experience might let those with experience have a chance to be heard.

You might learn something.

 

[CutieMouse]

And you are trying to claim it shouldn't matter without any experience to back it up.

Since no one has stepped forward and claimed they've experienced the loss of their beloved in a bdsm relationship, it would appear I do have unique experiences, at least amonsgt those who have posted to this topic thus far.

You're presumption to tell me, without any experience, what I should feel or think about this topic has been duly noted.

Perhaps those of you with no experience might let those with experience have a chance to be heard.

You might learn something.

Okay. I propose that unless one has experienced the loss of a beloved in both a BDSM and non-BDSM relationship, one would not have the experience of each to be able to accurately claim knowledge of the difference between the two experiences.

Have you experienced the loss of a beloved (as in wife or life partner - children don't count as they are a totally difference sort of relationship than that of a lover) in both a a non-BDSM and BDSM relationship? If so, please help me understand how the feelings of grief and survivors loss are different in the non-BDSM relationship, compared to the BDSM relationship.

 

[JMohegan]

I am more interested in the viewpoints of those who actually have experience.

Possibly those who actually have experience are so disgusted, due to the myriad ways in which you've been disrespecting your wife by exploiting her memory, that they are disinclined to participate in the discussion.

Or maybe they just think you're lying.

Or maybe they're too busy wondering which would be worse, the exploitation or the fabrication.

Hard to say, really. That's the Internet for you, right?

 

[BLoved]

Okay. I propose that unless one has experienced the loss of a beloved in both a BDSM and non-BDSM relationship, one would not have the experience of each to be able to accurately claim knowledge of the difference between the two experiences.

Have you experienced the loss of a beloved (as in wife or life partner - children don't count as they are a totally difference sort of relationship than that of a lover) in both a a non-BDSM and BDSM relationship? If so, please help me understand how the feelings of grief and survivors loss are different in the non-BDSM relationship, compared to the BDSM relationship.

Who's to say that the grief of my mother for the loss of my father after nearly 48 years of vanilla marriage is less than BLoved's grief for the loss of his submissive wife.

It is not the purpose of this discussion to compare the loss of a beloved in a relationship involving bdsm and the loss of a beloved in a vanilla relationship.

Love, Part I: Endings

A question for those who have experienced the death of a beloved master/mistress/dom/domme/submissive/slave ... did you experience survivor's guilt, and if so, how did you deal with it?

How much longer do you want to keep this up?

 

[BLoved]

Within our relationship my wife was the one to pour me a cup of tea.

She had developed a method for preparing the tea that I had never tasted before.

It was "perfect".

After she died I realized she hadn't passed on to me her method.

It took me two months before I finally figured it out.

I wept.

There were so many little things that she did ... so many little things I had to learn to do.

Constant reminders of how much she was a part of my life.

I've never been one to micro-manage my beloved's activities. I've always trusted my beloved to work out the details and to talk to me if there are any problems.

So I never learned to make her gravy for roast beef, never learned to make roast beef her way.

I didn't need to know. We were going to live forever ...

 

[BadGirlsRule]

Okay, I'm sorry to bump yet another thread by BLoved. Truly, I am.

But submissive little me can't keep my mouth shut anymore.

To the OP:

I HAVE lost such a person as you speak of. As a matter of fact, one minute ago it turned into June 11th. My husband died exactly 19 months ago today. We were together for 20 years, since I was 17 years old. I'm a 38 year old widow.

Although we didn't intentionally live a D/s lifestyle, that's basically what it was. He was my Master. I was his slave. I wasn't a willing slave. Don't get me wrong...I was as dedicated and loyal to him as I am with anyone I have ever loved. But he used that to his advantage. In the worst possible ways, sometimes.

I still miss him. I will always love him.

But I am "moving on". (Yes...that awfully dreaded term so many well-intentioned people like to throw at you in the beginning.) I never thought I could, but I am. It hasn't been easy. It has taken a tremendous amount of effort and strength on my part. It has taken a huge amount of patience and understanding on my new partner's part. We can both take credit for where I'm at today.

If you want it, you can have it. I look back to how truly dreadful I felt a year ago and I simply know I can NEVER go back to that dark, dark place. I can't. I won't let myself. I would never survive it...that's how bad it was.

I didn't die that god-awful day. I refused to let his cancer kill both of us.

I'm sorry if I don't qualify to respond because we didn't have a specified D/s relationship or live a bdsm lifestyle. And I'm also sorry you lost your wife. But, Dude, no matter how many threads you start here and no matter how pissed off and bitter you get at anyone who even tries to show you a little compassion??? IT'S NOT GONNA BRING HER BACK. It sucks. I KNOW it sucks. I've lived it. I'm still living it in so many ways. But man...if I've learned anything, I've learned that life is way too fuckin short to waste even one more minute.

Good luck to you. I really feel for you as I know your pain. But there are other boards out there to deal with those feelings too. Nobody here can help you with those. Even those "vanilla" widows/widowers out there? They feel just as much of a loss as you do. That's one thing I've had a hard time accepting...just because I was widowed at 37, I'm not all that special. There are thousands of others out there who've had it just as bad, if not worse, than I do.

 

[BLoved]

To the OP:

I HAVE lost such a person as you speak of. As a matter of fact, one minute ago it turned into June 11th. My husband died exactly 19 months ago today. We were together for 20 years, since I was 17 years old. I'm a 38 year old widow.

It will soon be four years since she died. It has already been three years since I lost my son.

He was my purpose after she died. I'd learned much from the death of my father when I was ten, and how my mother took over the responsibility of raising my brother and I without him.

I'd already learned a lot from grief.

It was a few months after my wife's death that I started participating on a religion & spirituality board. It helped a lot. There were some kind people there.

I found myself thinking "this is the end of a chapter, not the end of the book". Helped me to look forward.

And my son ...

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[rida]

You're presumption to tell me, without any experience, what I should feel or think about this topic has been duly noted.

I'm not telling you how you should feel.
I'm telling you how I feel and will feel.

Possibly those who actually have experience are so disgusted, due to the myriad ways in which you've been disrespecting your wife by exploiting her memory, that they are disinclined to participate in the discussion.

QFT

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Does anyone read english on this forum ...

Yup.

But you don't own a thread. Once it's posted, it's public domain. People can discuss the topic at hand if they like. You don't get to pick and choose who does.




As to the whole death of a partner in a D/s relationship, this brings me back to the people that experience their submission as total and instinctual. The ones who are conditioned to not leave. What happens to them when the dominant partner dies? If someone's emotional state is so linked to another, how do you avoiod being sucked into that black hole they leave behind?

I'm genuinely curious, but I doubt either of the ones I'm thinking of will even see this thread.

 

[BLoved]

I'm telling you how I feel and will feel.

Crystal balls are rare commodities.

Accurate crystal balls even scarcer.

 

[the captians wench]

As to the whole death of a partner in a D/s relationship, this brings me back to the people that experience their submission as total and instinctual. The ones who are conditioned to not leave. What happens to them when the dominant partner dies? If someone's emotional state is so linked to another, how do you avoiod being sucked into that black hole they leave behind?

I'm genuinely curious, but I doubt either of the ones I'm thinking of will even see this thread.

Didn't we have a thread that discussed just that? Now that's one I would like to see bumped. Maybe if we can find and bump that, those two (I think I know who) would pop up and talk about it. They do facinate me. I've learned to judge my dedication only on his terms, but for a long time I felt very inferior to the specific two I'm thinking of because of theirs.

 

[Cattypuss]

Why is this whiny, self-obsessed, delusional, small-minded, aggressive, pompous IDIOT still spewing shit all over my favourite board?

You don't like us. We don't like you. Go and play the dictator somewhere else.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Didn't we have a thread that discussed just that? Now that's one I would like to see bumped. Maybe if we can find and bump that, those two (I think I know who) would pop up and talk about it. They do facinate me. I've learned to judge my dedication only on his terms, but for a long time I felt very inferior to the specific two I'm thinking of because of theirs.

I don't tend to feel inferior, because it's a mindset that's beyond my scope.

Doesn't mean I'm not curious about it though.

 

[the captians wench]

I don't tend to feel inferior, because it's a mindset that's beyond my scope.

Doesn't mean I'm not curious about it though.

It was a time in my life when my confidence and self esteeme weren't as strong as they are now. A time in my life when I judged myself based upon others. Now I know better. *giggles*

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

It was a time in my life when my confidence and self esteeme weren't as strong as they are now. A time in my life when I judged myself based upon others. Now I know better. *giggles*

Good. You're entirely too awesome.

I mean, you're my cock sucking idol, ffs!

 

[intothewoods]

Possibly those who actually have experience are so disgusted, due to the myriad ways in which you've been disrespecting your wife by exploiting her memory, that they are disinclined to participate in the discussion.

Or maybe they just think you're lying.

Or maybe they're too busy wondering which would be worse, the exploitation or the fabrication.

Hard to say, really. That's the Internet for you, right?

Mmmhmm. As someone who has experienced loss, that about sums it up for me.

 

[sb2009]

Bloved...I say this as someone who has experienced trauma and loss. From the information you have given, you have experienced two very serious traumatic events within a short timeframe - the loss of your wife and the loss of your child within a year of each other.

Even if I sound cruel saying this, you really should see some professional help handling this. You could very likely be suffering from PTSD - the amount of time you spend here, arguing with a bunch of people who really are nothing to you, points to the possibility of not working on living your life, or learning to live your life, without your loved ones.

And this will sound really really cruel: No one is guaranteed a beloved. No one is guaranteed getting laid. No one is guaranteed having someone to spank. That, unfortunately, is life. If you want to bemoan the fact that these "casual players" find partners and you don't, then do that. But it's not exactly going to help you out of your darkness.

 

[the captians wench]

Good. You're entirely too awesome.

I mean, you're my cock sucking idol, ffs!

*giggles*

Awe shucks.

 

[BLoved]

Bloved...I say this as someone who has experienced trauma and loss. From the information you have given, you have experienced two very serious traumatic events within a short timeframe - the loss of your wife and the loss of your child within a year of each other.

Even if I sound cruel saying this, you really should see some professional help handling this. You could very likely be suffering from PTSD - the amount of time you spend here, arguing with a bunch of people who really are nothing to you, points to the possibility of not working on living your life, or learning to live your life, without your loved ones.

I do not fit the symptoms of PTSD.

However, I have experienced the symptoms of grief.

As for being here, it helps to help others understand the nature of love-based bdsm and encourage those who would seek it out rather than casual 'bdsm'.

You only see my exchanges with the trolls ... I see more than that, as I receive the mail from people who appreciate my effort or who seek assistance and information.

For example, someone just wrote to say she hopes her daughter can find a man like me ... little things like that go a long way towards validating my participation here.

And this will sound really really cruel: No one is guaranteed a beloved. No one is guaranteed getting laid. No one is guaranteed having someone to spank. That, unfortunately, is life. If you want to bemoan the fact that these "casual players" find partners and you don't, then do that. But it's not exactly going to help you out of your darkness.

~smile~

The last thing I'd do is envy the casual 'players' or those they exploit.

When my mother told me that one day I'd date again, and meet someone, I laughed. I couldn't imagine anyone wanting me, and still find it very difficult to hope for such a thing.

And of course we have so many trolls in this forum (and in the BDSM Personals) doing their best to make sure there is no hope for my future.

So when you talk about guarantees I have to smile.

As I've often said: life offers no guarantees, only opportunities to grow and learn, to be more than we were on the way to becoming what we will be.

I have no crystal ball and I do not require one. I will live my life the best I can and will leave it to fate to decide whether I do it alone or not.

 

[sb2009]

you certainly have some of the paranoia symtoms down. As well as hyperfocusing on something to avoid dealing with the truama.

 

[BLoved]

you certainly have some of the paranoia symtoms down. As well as hyperfocusing on something to avoid dealing with the truama.

~smile~

It is hard to rob a man of hope when he has none to begin with.

You and your fellow trolls would do well to recognize your efforts only damage yourselves.

 

[sb2009]

DUDE! Have you read anything I've responded? I am one of your NON CASUAL people. I'm in a long term MARRIAGE (with children even!) I am really not a casaul troll at all.

 

[Seurat]

Since no one has stepped forward and claimed they've experienced the loss of their beloved in a bdsm relationship, it would appear I do have unique experiences, at least amonsgt those who have posted to this topic thus far.

Ah. Nobody posts means, in your mind, that you stand alone.

You only see my exchanges with the trolls ... I see more than that, as I receive the mail from people who appreciate my effort or who seek assistance and information.

Ah. Nobody posts means, in your mind, that you stand as a representative of the untold masses.



As for losing a loved one? Well, the most dominant and loving person to have ever entered my life passed away from cancer on September 25, 2009.

I remember the very minute.

I grieve for her every day.

When I think of her, I think of every moment we had together, how much I miss her laugh, and her hugs, and just talking to her.

Most of all, I miss her and the way she made me feel. I miss her presence in my life, but I know now that at least she is out of pain.

Within our relationship my wife was the one to pour me a cup of tea.

I don't miss her because she made the perfect apple pie for my birthday.

I miss her because of the fact that she was willing to do so out of love.

After she died I realized she hadn't passed on to me her method.

I don't regret a single moment or single thing she didn't give me. That isn't love, that would be selfishness.

True love isn't selfish.

There were so many little things that she did ... so many little things I had to learn to do.

I miss her, not the things she isn't around to do for me.

I've never been one to micro-manage my beloved's activities. I've always trusted my beloved to work out the details and to talk to me if there are any problems.

I feel for your loss, but perhaps you should learn to be a little more pro-active so that you aren't surprised in the future.

True love means communication, both ways, not just you getting what you want. No matter what the relationship.

So I never learned to make her gravy for roast beef, never learned to make roast beef her way.

Again, I miss the person, not the services provided. They can be replaced or replicated, she cannot.

I didn't need to know. We were going to live forever ...

I grieve, but I won't live the the rest of my life in regret.


And as for the other questions posed early on: I have suffered losses of both dominant and non-dominant persons in my life.

I think that if you held positive emotion for the people, you will miss them. If that positive emotion is missing or was only a delusion, then you will miss only the physical things they provided for you.

I have experienced the loss of a dominant in my life, BLoved. I will recover, and be a better person for her having been part of my life.

I hope you will one day recognize that, if you stopped berating everybody around you, you could find people to support you in your times of need.

So, lotsa ~smiles~ right back at you.

 

[BLoved]

DUDE! Have you read anything I've responded? I am one of your NON CASUAL people. I'm in a long term MARRIAGE (with children even!) I am really not a casaul troll at all.

You are if you want to insist I'm suffering from PTSD and paranoid delusions.

Now let's see, I've been accused of narcissism, of being a moron, of being a predator, of being a kid in his mom's basement, of having never been in a relationship, much less a marriage, of having no clue when it comes to bdsm, ...

... and now it is PTSD and paranoid delusions.

According to you and your fellow trolls, I've done nothing right nor said anything right since I got here.

Whose self-esteem is expected to deal with that for three months, non-stop?

You and your friends are really so obsessed that you don't even see what is so obvious to anyone not suffering from your issues.