Depression and pain

[SheDevilShay]

I've been diagnosed with Major Depression. Medication has helped this, but I still maintain my desire to be out there on the edge with my sexuality. I've never been vanilla at any point. Even from a very young age I imagined sex as being kinky even when I really didn't know anything about it. I've always been submissive in some ways.

I think I have to agree with the idea that you will find people with depression when they've been a part of a minority

This is How I feel, if you want to read a personal life story (its not very long) I can share the blogs that i've been writing examining my past.. and deperssion was always a part of it... and pain... I love pain... though I do have my limits...

 

[HB1965]

This is How I feel, if you want to read a personal life story (its not very long) I can share the blogs that i've been writing examining my past.. and deperssion was always a part of it... and pain... I love pain... though I do have my limits...

I do as well, but one of my Doms got me to take a hell of a lot more pain than I thought I could, and I loved it. He never wanted to do it again because it freaked him out that he had been that hard on me. The truth is I love sex, and I don't need the pain to get off, but shit I had the best orgasm of my life that night.

 

[Homburg]

I do as well, but one of my Doms got me to take a hell of a lot more pain than I thought I could, and I loved it. He never wanted to do it again because it freaked him out that he had been that hard on me. The truth is I love sex, and I don't need the pain to get off, but shit I had the best orgasm of my life that night.

I am always worried about causing actual harm. I'm a large guy. I regularly lift weights. I've been in bad situations where I've hurt people badly, sometimes without trying.

Every time I give pain, I worry that I will give injury along with it. For me, damned near any kind of implement use is edge play because I worry about how hard I'm swinging that flogger or paddle.

When you regularly wring the heads off bolts, bend tools, and have bent more than one olympic bar, you tend to get nervous when a human being is in your mitts.

But damned if they don't want to see red marks and some bruises. Damned if they aren't satisfied with some marking. And double damned if I don't enjoy it too.

 

[BiBunny]

I am always worried about causing actual harm. I'm a large guy. I regularly lift weights. I've been in bad situations where I've hurt people badly, sometimes without trying.

Every time I give pain, I worry that I will give injury along with it. For me, damned near any kind of implement use is edge play because I worry about how hard I'm swinging that flogger or paddle.

When you regularly wring the heads off bolts, bend tools, and have bent more than one olympic bar, you tend to get nervous when a human being is in your mitts.

But damned if they don't want to see red marks and some bruises. Damned if they aren't satisfied with some marking. And double damned if I don't enjoy it too.

It makes you human and a damned good Dom that you worry about this. I would think the *real* time to be concerned is when you *stop* thinking about it.

Errr, did that make sense?

 

[Homburg]

It makes you human and a damned good Dom that you worry about this. I would think the *real* time to be concerned is when you *stop* thinking about it.

Errr, did that make sense?

It made perfect sense!

One of my strict rules is that I am ALWAYS straight when any hitting is to occur. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and, most importantly, I never hit when I am emotionally wound up. My hands have done some very scary things, and I would NEVER be able to forgive myself if these hands harmed someone that I loved, someone that trusted me.

Trust is the single most important word in a D/s relationship. Good lord, "v" lets me tie her body down spread eagled and take various implements to her unprotected genitals. That's trust! "w" asked me to take her fragile formerly sexually abused psyche in hand and do a rape fantasy. Tjat's trust so heavy that it crushed me.

It overwhelms me sometimes. They both know what I'm capable of. They've both watch me train and lift serious weights (well, not serious by competition standards, but a 445lb deadlift ain't bad). They've both seen my temper, my moods. Yet they placed themselves in my hands. Both of them have told me that they trust me more than anyone they've ever known. Sometimes I wonder why. I'm a scary guy, and I don't always trust myself....

You're right though. That fear that I will injure is what keeps them safe. When I no longer have that fear is when I need to stop. Because that is when someone will get injured.

I am humbled every day by the reality of submission and trust. And I am ennobled by it daily as well. I hope that I am a good Dom. I truly fear being a bad Dom. Again, I could not forgive myself. I love my gals too much.

 

[alexanna]

The last thing I have to say about meds and then I'll shut up about them is they CAN be helpful for a period to help you sort yourself out. Several years ago I took anti depressants for a year and did some very serious soul searching. The meds actually helped me get some perspective so I could deal with the issues.

I think our society has gotten in the habit of looking at them as a cure in and of themselves but they don't have to be. If things really are so bad you can't get out of bed or you seriously fantasize about hurting yourself they can be a very helpful tool to offer some relief and give you the strength to do some of very difficult mental and emotional work to deal with why you are depressed. I am convinced it is often both our past, personality, AND chemical make-up that makes us prone to depression. Just saying its a chemical problem was a cop-out for me. Yes chemical imbalance makes it more likely I will get depressed or manic but life plays a pretty big role too. I also found the experience of learning what I was like without the chaos invaluable. It helped me recognize the crazies when they occured again and I was no longer medicating so I could keep them in check but still feel like a real human being.

When I first started on meds I also read the book "Listening to Prozac" (linked below). I highly recommend reading this book and\or counseling while taking anti depressants, especially the first time. They don't have to be a forever thing. The book has some very good advice on how to use anti depressants as a tool to resolve issues and also some refreshing thoughts on the over diagnosis of depression and over use of medication.

http://www.amazon.com/Listening-Pro...3270860?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189142299&sr=8-2

I still use them a couple of times a year for a few weeks to a month as a sort of "reset button" to get me out of the really really bad lows.

 

[BiBunny]

The last thing I have to say about meds and then I'll shut up about them is they CAN be helpful for a period to help you sort yourself out. Several years ago I took anti depressants for a year and did some very serious soul searching. The meds actually helped me get some perspective so I could deal with the issues.

I think our society has gotten in the habit of looking at them as a cure in and of themselves but they don't have to be. If things really are so bad you can't get out of bed or you seriously fantasize about hurting yourself they can be a very helpful tool to offer some relief and give you the strength to do some of very difficult mental and emotional work to deal with why you are depressed. I am convinced it is often both our past, personality, AND chemical make-up that makes us prone to depression. Just saying its a chemical problem was a cop-out for me. Yes chemical imbalance makes it more likely I will get depressed or manic but life plays a pretty big role too. I also found the experience of learning what I was like without the chaos invaluable. It helped me recognize the crazies when they occured again and I was no longer medicating so I could keep them in check but still feel like a real human being.

When I first started on meds I also read the book "Listening to Prozac" (linked below). I highly recommend reading this book and\or counseling while taking anti depressants, especially the first time. They don't have to be a forever thing. The book has some very good advice on how to use anti depressants as a tool to resolve issues and also some refreshing thoughts on the over diagnosis of depression and over use of medication.

http://www.amazon.com/Listening-Pro...3270860?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189142299&sr=8-2

I still use them a couple of times a year for a few weeks to a month as a sort of "reset button" to get me out of the really really bad lows.

You're right. The whole point of meds is to get you to a point that you can benefit from therapy, soul-searching, and whatnot. People forget this oftentimes and see meds as a be-all and end-all. *Nods*

 

[Kailey_86]

I get depressed quite frequently and I find that when I do, I am more likely to crave some sort of pain whether it be caused by myself (cutting) or someone else (flogging or spanking). This is how I found myself back in this forum today actually. I've been very depressed this past month or two. I just got passed the wanting to commit suicide phase of my neverending cycle and now I just want to be hurt. Where is my Dom when I need him?

 

[bholderman]

A few comments on various replies.

But, first, again, many thanks. One of the great things about this is that knowing there are others out there is helpful unto itself.

Alexanna and Bibunny mentioned that the meds should be considered simply a stabalizer, that which will facilitate the therapy, sould searching, etc. I firmly agree with that as well, and try to encourage my wife to work on things as much as I can. I'm not perfect and when she is enduring her bad times, I have a house and 3 kids to tend to.

Homburg mentioned being straight and sober during any engagements. That's a good point. Even outside of sex, the struggle that I personally have to deal with in regards to my wife's situation is hard enough. Any of that crap could send me over the edge as well. While this entire endeavor proceeds, I know I have to keep my mind sharp and myself in control. This includes the good times as well.

Just some appreciattion on your comments, again, many thanks.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

BHOLDERMAN

Let me check the literature.

There is anecdotal evidence pain and trauma seems to work with depressives.

 

[bholderman]

Up and down, up and down and up an down...!

My personal blurt, I hate this.

 

[FurryFury]

Up and down, up and down and up an down...!

My personal blurt, I hate this.

*HUGS*

Everyone does. I know I do.

 

[bholderman]

Thanks. If anything, I finally got though to her on the affects on missing one stupid little pill.

We've managed a lot of talking lately. I told her this morning after she missed her night pill how the day would go and sure enough step by step, emotion by emotion, she crashed.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks. If anything, I finally got though to her on the affects on missing one stupid little pill.

We've managed a lot of talking lately. I told her this morning after she missed her night pill how the day would go and sure enough step by step, emotion by emotion, she crashed.

That's good. I hope she is paying attention.

I did a thread on depression once.

It may or may not be useful.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=353188