does anyone have any advice?

[morninggirl5]

thanks for all the other advice..i truly do appreciate..

as far as being dominate...my husband seems to be in every ascept (meaning work etc...) just not with me...

he will say things like "i do not want to tell you what to do or not to do, that doesnt seem right ..we are equal..i dont want to be 'over' you"

the few times we have carried it out in sexual roleplay...to be perfectly honest..he is all into it until he cums and then he feels terrrible..completely apologizing saying he shouldnt have treated me that way...that it was completely disrespectful...

he feels what i want is not how he should be treating me...and he cant get passed it...we have tried many things and i have explained i dont feel bad when he does things...but still it isnt working..

What you're describing here sounds to me like your husband has a set of beliefs that you are asking him to violate. It's not that he doesn't WANT to please you. Obviously, he does.

For him, though, what you're asking is in direct opposition to his core personal values. We can violate our core personal values for only so long and then we begin to feel very badly about ourselves and want out of the situation.

In a sense, you are asking your husband to choose between pleasing you and his own personal esteem. It's a difficult choice for anyone to make, and forcing someone to make that choice is never, in my experience, a good thing for the relationship.

 

[zipperdiva]

Good advice

I've been following this post and I think all of the above could be true. Perhaps he's not cut out to play. Perhaps he holds some beliefs that are interfering with his acceptance and enjoyment of this type of play.

Maybe you need to a have a brass tacks conversation with him along the lines of, I know you don't want this. I hear you. I really do, what are we able to do that will allow both of our needs to be met.

I feel very blessed that I have only been in this position once. It was someone very important to me- in fact, we were married. I became rather creative in how I dealt with it. I also know I had never been in that position previously. Even my first experiments with sex were all kinky and so was everyone after that. It was this one relationship only. I also know, that I'd never have another one like it. It served it's purpose and I was happy for years. I simply know at this stage in my life, I couldn't imagine not topping. It's in my blood, it's part of who I was meant to be. I won't ever deny who I am and I will meet my needs to the best of my ability.

 

[petrel]

3: No-one is 'right' or 'wrong' just becasue they don't want to play in the way that you want to play, and none fo us have a right to force our partners into something they are uncomfortable with just becasue we want it. This is equally true whether you want him to hold your wrists above your head when he comes right through to wanting him to strap you to a wooden Gym horse and cane you until you have welts that don't fade for a month.

just like to reiterate the point I made earlier in light of Cym's and other posts - please don't try and force the issue vylette

 

["angel" eve]

it only works if deep down they're interested

i never meant really that you can go against the nature of your partner. you can't.
what i mean is that if that interest is there to some degree you can explore it as they are willing. which with some elements they never will be.

if they have never had fantasies that have involved any elements of BDSM you're beeting yourself against a brick wall. problem is the brick is hard but the mortar is old... you'll have the wall come crashing down on you. you'll both be hurt if you push too much against another's nature. and of course, there's alot more likelyhood someone is going to get physically hurt as well. the emotional hurt is inevitable - if one party is coerced into something against their willl.

good luck - may he have a streak of dominant in him.

 

[zipperdiva]

Not Knowing until you try...

I think all the posts regarding not pushing someone are absolutely prudent and on the money.

However, I think there is a middle ground. It's good to be open and discuss ones desires with someone else and help them get over the humps as it were. Just because someone doesn't think SM is for them at the first conversation doesn't necessarily mean they won't come around later simply because they weren't sure, what they thought was SM was an old stereotype they had learned via socialization and that got in the way.

I know I've been very fortunate and there have been a couple of people in my life who never played before me, they never thought they had any interest whatsoever in this sort of thing and now-- well, I can say with absolute confidence they are little piggies at the trough. One of them got into very heavy, heavy play and hasn't looked back in over 8 years. Another one turned into one of the best slaves I've ever had the pleasure to be served by. Still another is a big ole nasty top at this point and another one started as a nasty top and is a collared slave. You never know, open discussion can weild intense results.

Though I know I'm preaching to the choir here. : )

 

[bondage_philosopher]

I know the feeling. I had a girlfriend who just couldn't assume the role I wanted. I felt bad because I didn't want her to be someone she isn't or change who she is. We made a compromise, though. Once in a while she would tie me up during sex and the rest of the time we would do it her way. Have you tried a compromise? It may not be a life style, but it's a start.

 

[MsWorthy]

he will say things like "i do not want to tell you what to do or not to do, that doesnt seem right ..we are equal..i dont want to be 'over' you"

the few times we have carried it out in sexual roleplay...to be perfectly honest..he is all into it until he cums and then he feels terrrible..completely apologizing saying he shouldnt have treated me that way...that it was completely disrespectful...

It sounds as though his honest attempt to make you happy is creating a moral dilemma for him. If you love him (and even if you don't) do not do that to him.

Don't try to change who he is. That is a horrible way to live, trying to be something you aren't just to make someone else happy.

~my 2 cents, for what it's worth~

 

[artful]

Communication-Knowledge-Patience-Honesty-Care,...

...these are the 5 things that I use in resolving issues.(There may be more)

1)~Communication is a skill, some people have a natural talent with it, others can hone those skills, *IF* they feel it is important to improve upon them.

2)~Knowledge is something you acquire-not a talent

3)~Patience is a trait(characteristic)

4)~Honesty is a trait(charateristic)

5)~Care is a concern for the well being of another

The above is defined not using Standard Dictionary

The art of communication may be very well done in some things, and very poorly performed elsewhere.
Knowledge is information gained and retained.
Patience and honesty, I have no idea where they come from, but over a period of time,...I can recognise their use. Caring for someone is an emotion considered by MOST, as a feeling they have
absolutely no control over.(love-fear-etc.)

**************************************************
i have an issue...just an issue, not really a problem...i have been married for 12
years (together longer)...and my husband and i have one son...ok the issue..i am
so drawn to the "bdsm lifestyle"..however he isnt...i cant say as if it is a "serious
problem"..although sometimes i do wish it was different...i realize it isnt necessary
in his nature to be "dominate" over me...he says he doesnt feel comfortable with
me in a submissive role in or out of the bedroom...but it is what i want ..and it is
a want/need coming from inside..so i am at a loss...above all else i know i love
him...it is just leaving me feeling empty inside..so if anyone has any suggestions
or advice...i would be very happy to hear it..

MY REPLY TO YOUR ORIGINAL TOPIC IS AS FOLLOWS:

You have all the tools required to resolve the issue. It APPEARS to me, you are confused, and frustrated at not having your desires met. You have a WANT that is not met. It may or may not be a NEED,(there *IS* a difference you know). *IF* it is a NEED, then, "Ya gotta go to work!" If it is simply a want,...then it is DECISION making time. Either way,...use the tools I listed above in helping YOURSELF define the issue, and make a decision. There is no right or wrong answer,... YOU are the sole judge and jury,...just remember, ..."A burnt bridge,...is a burnt bridge".

I truly hope this helps you,...Good Luck!