Domme, how do they feel what do they need ?

[KoPilot]

Pretty much every woman in the world knows that men are mostly going to be conservative and sexist. If she happens to own one that she can teach otherwise-- shes doing well for herself. Anyone who expects much more than that is deluded. It sucks, but there it is.

Heh, in a way I'm my hub's anti-oppression top. I've got hard and fast rules, I give hard talks, I "discipline" and shut down, I research and guide discussions, I teach. And in that regard, I'm always going to be calling the shots.

 

[DannyBoy570]

Are you approaching this from the standpoint that your partner [current or future] doesn't already KNOW how to assert herself when dealing with other men? Are you worried about this in day to day interactions (professional/ etc), or personal? And when you talk about "asserting herself" - do you mean in a way that feeds your own interests, or in a way that is in line with her own life goals?

Yes.
Day to day interactions.
No, just personnal developement, but I can't say it is not for personnal interest as if the relationship doesn't satisfy her in that way it's over for both of us.

Are you really planning on passively bottoming all the time?

What does that mean, to you? What kind of topping to you expect from her?

A durable topping that she can enjoy. This is what my first question has to do with. I tried to extrapolate if the desired sub behavior at the novice state will be appropriate in the future by collecting the basic traits experienced bdsm practicer want for a sub.

The possible lack of confrontation is just one thing I used as an example. Stella_Omega has written something about a sub comforting his mistress and I haven't thank him for that for I never imagined it was possible.

Maybe I should approach less sensitive and more down to earth subjects. My spontaneous and absurd humor is a trait that could please my partner, I sort of found it inappropriate for a sub. I also fear that I can loose my interest and passion about every thing that doesn't concern my partner even if it is this what she found interesting in the first place.

 

[Stella_Omega]

She might enjoy topping you. But I cannot imagine a heterosexual woman who does not want to lay back and be catered to some of the time, at least. They are trained to expect it-- from infancy at least.

As a sub, think of yourself as a horse that wants training to carry your mistress.

Maybe I should approach less sensitive and more down to earth subjects. My spontaneous and absurd humor is a trait that could please my partner, I sort of found it inappropriate for a sub. I also fear that I can loose my interest and passion about every thing that doesn't concern my partner even if it is this what she found interesting in the first place.

That's something worth worrying about! A thing to be aware of and guard against.

 

[CutieMouse]

Yes.
Day to day interactions.
No, just personal development, but I can't say it is not for personal interest as if the relationship doesn't satisfy her in that way it's over for both of us.

This is probably going to sound very rude, but the concern that a lover is automatically less capable of being in control in day to day life (simply because she's a woman), and needs a particular attitude from her submissive male partner to counter all the messages the big bad world throws at her, is (IMO) ridiculous.

Pick a compatible partner, find out what she wants, do that.

A durable topping that she can enjoy. This is what my first question has to do with. I tried to extrapolate if the desired sub behavior at the novice state will be appropriate in the future by collecting the basic traits experienced bdsm practicer want for a sub.

A durable topping she can enjoy by HER definition, or YOUR definition?

As for desireable submissive traits - again, that depends on the people involved. If I showed a "lack of confrontation" about things that were important to me, or changed myself into being a passive shell of what a submissive is "supposed to be"... I'd either be in an unhappy relationship (constantly on guard to keep up the show), or entering a relationship under false pretenses.

The possible lack of confrontation is just one thing I used as an example. Stella_Omega has written something about a sub comforting his mistress and I haven't thank him for that for I never imagined it was possible.

Maybe I should approach less sensitive and more down to earth subjects. My spontaneous and absurd humor is a trait that could please my partner, I sort of found it inappropriate for a sub. I also fear that I can loose my interest and passion about every thing that doesn't concern my partner even if it is this what she found interesting in the first place.

My theory of submission includes making my lover's life easier, better, etc. Which means that I had to learn to let a partner pamper me, if he wanted to. I had to learn to take control in some ways, to make his life easier. I had to discover the things that I thought were making his life easier (because it's what submissives "did"), that weren't (and stop doing them).

Possibly rhetorical question -

Why would you enter into a relationship with someone who didn't enjoy/ appreciate your sense of humor? Why would you give that up, just because the relationship included the letters BDSM?

 

[Netzach]

Is she actually not that assertive except with you? A lot of quiet people who aren't social strivers have some pretty intense kinky internal lives.

Or are you worried that you're going to make her less assertive with others?

It doesn't make a lot of sense, that. If anything having the opportunity to be assertive in a safe space has made me more constructively assertive in public life. But I'm still far from some sterotype of leadership.

A lot of men assume that only a public-life alpha is a Domme. But usually that woman is a sub in private life if anything.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Judging by OP's page of favorited stories, which he lists as his homepage, he wants to be locked in chastity.

I can promise you, sir, that any woman knows the difference between the man she has got locked down, and all the other men in the world.

How are you going about your search? The ratio of 'locks' to 'keys' is about a thousand to two.

 

[StrayKat]

Pick a compatible partner, find out what she wants, do that.

Simple and true.
Yet people seem to just slide over it and go on complicating.

Because she cant be a competent dominant because she is a woman. Because she cant deal with the society because she is, again, a woman. Because she probably doesnt even know what she wants, being a woman and all, so her sub has to learn "basic submissive traits" to know how to please her. Because she is incapable of deciding what kind of guy she wants and saying so, so sub needs to worry about his sense of humor so she doesnt get hysterical if he tells her a wrong joke, because woman

*sigh*

 

[DannyBoy570]

the concern that a lover is automatically less capable of being in control in day to day life (simply because she's a woman), and needs a particular attitude from her submissive male partner to counter all the messages the big bad world throws at her, is (IMO) ridiculous.

I didn't realize my thought could be written in a way that could lead to such a misunderstanding. Let me clarify some point : it has nothing to do with judgment (whether it be by me, other, society, etc...). I don't know why you insist on that.

Or are you worried that you're going to make her less assertive with others?

It doesn't make a lot of sense, that. If anything having the opportunity to be assertive in a safe space has made me more constructively assertive in public life. But I'm still far from some sterotype of leadership.

This is closer to what came in my mind.

So, to move on with this. I recently discovered that some couple (not all I know, I know, generalizing is baaaaad) need fights from time to time. They need to have argument, misunderstanding, etc...
Why ? Lot of reasons, one of them could be : it's how they learn how to deal with conflict in day to day life, because after all if they are close they can forgive themselve, or at least this is how it has worked for a lot of people who were close to me.

A durable topping she can enjoy by HER definition, or YOUR definition?

If the answer to that question was "my definition" I could simply hire a professional domme you know...

Why would you enter into a relationship with someone who didn't enjoy/ appreciate your sense of humor? Why would you give that up, just because the relationship included the letters BDSM?

so sub needs to worry about his sense of humor so she doesnt get hysterical if he tells her a wrong joke, because woman

First, I didn't say anything about giving anything up but about involontarly loosing an ability. Then, why automatically categorizing spontaneous and absurd humour as a mocking joke ?

Please, take a little time to read this "frivolous moment" a fine lady enjoyed with her sub

Recently, kvetch bought the Farscape [science-fiction serie] complete television series DVD box set on special offer from Amazon.com.

[In this scene] John and Gilina say good bye with some more face suckage, during which Gilina’s lipstick again remains perfect and John’s face again remains mysteriously lipstick-free.

The Point

So I was watching this with kvetch, and I start commentating (as I do):

Me: “Hey, how come his face isn’t covered in lipstick?”
kvetch: “It’s space lipstick.”

Conclusion : Me too, I make comical comeback, it's funny we both like it. If I'm in passive mode, would I still be capable of making her laugh ?

Yet, CutieMouse already answered this without knowing it.

I had to learn to take control in some ways, to make his life easier. I had to discover the things that I thought were making his life easier (because it's what submissives "did"), that weren't (and stop doing them).

So I will be aware of and guard against this kind of things.

Because she cant be a competent dominant because she is a woman. Because she cant deal with the society because she is, again, a woman. Because she probably doesnt even know what she wants, being a woman and all, so her sub has to learn "basic submissive traits" to know how to please her. Because she is incapable of deciding what kind of guy she wants and saying so, so sub needs to worry about his sense of humor so she doesnt get hysterical if he tells her a wrong joke, because woman

*sigh*

So, according to this board. I'm a teen who is a sexist mysogynist wannabe sub and who didn't read anything about BDSM. Also, I only view domination as the act of penetration and a BDSM relationship with me at the center of it regardless of what my partner feel as long as it last.

*sigh*

How are you going about your search? The ratio of 'locks' to 'keys' is about a thousand to two.

I'm more in the questionning phase than in the search phase. I recently discovered that I was the bad kind of sub and masochist and have a lot of work to do on myself before entering any BDSM lifestyle. For the moment I'm not with a potential BDSM partner.

 

[Stella_Omega]

1) "this Board" doesn't think any particular thing-- each of us is an individual, there is no hive mind. Myself, I think you're pretty intelligent and aware, and have a good idea of what you are trying to accomplish-- and have an unusual tolerance for conversation, so props to you.

2) There is no 'bad kind' of sub or masochist, although there might be masochists who really want to harm themselves beyond reasonable levels, and subs who ... really aren't submissive. But that isn't a bad sub. it's someone who has only gotten the mainstream memo.

I do understand your worry about loosing facets of yourself. People do this all the time, even in vanilla relationships. get subsumed into someone else's personality. The best I can say, is remain mindful of yourself. I don't have the credentials for much more then that.

Anyways, bravo for this;

If the answer to that question was "my definition" I could simply hire a professional domme you know...

because damn, so few men think this clearly.

 

[StrayKat]

So, according to this board.

Nope, according to me. I have nothing with this board apart from posting on it and this board has nothing with me apart from showing my posts.
Its me who thinks you are generalizing women in a way I find annoying.
I dont feel the need to hide behind anyone to state my opinion and I will still hold on it even if all other posters have different opinion, unless you prove me wrong. What you didnt. I didnt say nor think half of what you implied.

I still think your ideas that a woman wont be capable of developing her personality because of your submissiveness and that she cant be emotionally satisfied unless you are a typical macho male are borderline offensive generalizations. No calling out on "this board" will change that.

 

[DannyBoy570]

StrayKat, I find your sensitivity annoying.

 

[StrayKat]

Well, my dear, that is your problem.
Feel free to post about it just as I do when I find your borderline misogyny annoying.
Or put me on ignore. Whatever rocks your boat.