Doms and Subs alike . . opinions seeked

[Bumpkin]

Well . .since it seems to be a "bash on the guy for his behavior" by all means ladies let it out. I seriously mean this because it seems to me that everyone here telling me its ME that is fucked up is a woman. That isn't far from the truth and I know I have things I need to handle once I return. Only two individuals, of coarse I wont say who and its being handled privately, has offered me any solid advice and have kinda answered my question in the first place.

How I handle this problem about my actions, my wife, and my dealings with my Sub is up to me. None of you can decide or tell me that. I asked a question and tried to explain everything so that you would know the dynamics of it all and have a better understanding. Complete fail in all regards for attempting that.

Maybe my first post should have been stated as follows:

I have a LDR relationship with a new Sub. She has known issues with depression and gets very upset if I am even slightly mad or disappointed with her. She views this as a failure of epic proportions on her part and can take things way out of proportion at times. How do I bring her emotional back to being OK with things besides positive verbal reinforcement?

Doing this would have completely negated any one of you from knowing the "rest of the story"

One final fucking note and this one chaps my ass bigger then anything else because NONE of you know the threats or base where I am located. I am perfectly safe here in Afghanistan because my job has me on base doing support work. I rarely leave the FOB and the biggest danger is me falling from a truck or worse case something that goes BOOM falling from the sky. I can not control the later and its something that if it happens it does. I can not change that. I stated that the mission and my troops come first and foremost. What I do in my personal time off is my choice. I can only lift so many weights, run so many miles on a treadmill, and read books for so long.

Have a nice day . . . enjoy the freedoms that you have, never give up on your goals, and lastly live every day as if it were the last because you never know when the when your time is up. Life is a journey . .what you do and what paths you take are your decisions and I hope that you are on the right path to find your own happiness.

 

[Licia]

Well . .since it seems to be a "bash on the guy for his behavior" by all means ladies let it out.

Dishonest behavior gotcha into this mess. Truthbite not hurt so good? Often what should I do is speak for tell me what I want to hear.

Example:

How I handle this problem about my actions, my wife, and my dealings with my Sub is up to me. None of you can decide or tell me that. I asked a question and tried to explain everything so that you would know the dynamics of it all and have a better understanding. Complete fail in all regards for attempting that.

Ya asked. We answered.

Don't Ask Me No Questions?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well damn any way. My words are failing to portray the entire situation and all the complexities of it. I thank all for the advice and well wishes from those that sent them.

To hit a few key points though from what others have talked about. My mission always comes first and I do not allow my dealings during my off time interfere with that. In three deployments across 7 years this will always be a rule I follow, always has and always will.

My intentions are to allow time for my wife and I to explore things before making any decisions. We are both on the same page in this regard. However, if it doesn't work out then it doesn't. We mutually want both of us to be happy.

Again, thanks.

You haven't failed to portray the entire situation, just failed to get the response you wanted to ease your guilty conscience (hopefully you have one). Your intention is not to allow time for your wife and you to explore things before making any decisions....you already made the decision to cheat on her, and invest a lot of energy and time on the person you are cheating on her with.

Distance is a killer, and while you keep referring to your deployment (as do others), you do so mostly from the POV of what you feel you need, what you are missing, and I am guessing perhaps as a point gaining exercise. I am betting your wife is also suffering the tyranny of distance in a variety of ways, especially after you dropping the bomb on her of wanting an open relationship. More than likely she is constantly imagining you are eith getting with or wanting to get with someone who is right there with you and that can be hell when you can do nothing about it, not even talk face to face. Best advice I can give is stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your act together before trying to be a Daddy Dom and manage someone else's life. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but sometimes that is the only way to get people to drop the blinkers and address reality.

Catalina

 

[IrisAlthea]

I don't care if he's Christ with a Canon, there's no fucking way I'd allow a partner of mine to pose for bondage, suspension, or any other type of erotic shot.

And this is not a decision about which I'd be second-guessing myself or worrying.

So that's my opinion. If it bothers you, tell her no, end of story. If you're afraid she'll fall apart because she can't take honest feedback long distance, no matter how gently put, well maybe long distance D/s isn't such a great plan for this person.

Question. Where did you "meet" this alleged s-type female, and how do you know she is who she claims to be?

This!

I have a LDR relationship with a new Sub. She has known issues with depression and gets very upset if I am even slightly mad or disappointed with her. She views this as a failure of epic proportions on her part and can take things way out of proportion at times. How do I bring her emotional back to being OK with things besides positive verbal reinforcement?

I don't think you can. She's an adult and that means she has to learn how to handle her emotions.
What you can do is handle your own thoughts and emotions. Be clear with her about what you want and about what you don't want, behavior wise.
Don't tell her something is ok if you are going to be uncomfortable with it, because she is going to feel your discomfort and that will feed her insecurities.

 

[subwannabe]

I think women should really be commended for enduring a relationship with a service man, any service man. That is not easy and I don't think I could do it if I were in their shoes. It has got to be extremely difficult and requires a whole lot of loyalty, trust, understanding, and commitment. It seems totally unfair when a woman gives so much and then her spouse turns around and doesn't return that same level of commitment to her and he isn't even man enough to lay it out on the line to her so she can move on and find someone who will.

 

[FurryFury]

So let me get this straight. You are in a LDR. You have told her she can have FWB and now you are worried she will fuck someone else? Yeah. That's a problem.

It's also a problem if she can't say no. Period.

You can't do shit about IMO. If you weren't comfy with her having FWB or being with a woman who can't say no and therefore can't make the "right choice" then you put yourself in a shit storm.

And speaking of shit storms, white knight syndrome is like putting your mental dick in a blender. Don't do it. Seriously. It's never worth it.

 

[JMohegan]

Maybe my first post should have been stated as follows:

I have a LDR relationship with a new Sub. She has known issues with depression and gets very upset if I am even slightly mad or disappointed with her. She views this as a failure of epic proportions on her part and can take things way out of proportion at times. How do I bring her emotional back to being OK with things besides positive verbal reinforcement?

How long have you been involved in D/s, online or off?

I ask because it's fairly common for new male D-types to get sucked into relationships with manipulative, poor-fragile-me types. Females who get off on the damsel in distress rescued by big strong guy thing, and actually contrive situations with that distress/rescue dynamic.

Of course, she may actually be emotionally fragile. But are you really qualified to deal with mental illness such as depression, or self esteem issues "of epic proportions"? Long distance, no less? This isn't a magic D thing, these are serious mental health issues.

Either way, whether her issues are contrived or real, my original opinion stands. If you're afraid she'll fall apart because she can't take honest feedback long distance, no matter how gently put, then maybe long distance D/s isn't such a great plan for this person.

 

[JMohegan]

So let me get this straight. You are in a LDR. You have told her she can have FWB and now you are worried she will fuck someone else? Yeah. That's a problem.

It's also a problem if she can't say no. Period.

You can't do shit about IMO. If you weren't comfy with her having FWB or being with a woman who can't say no and therefore can't make the "right choice" then you put yourself in a shit storm.

And speaking of shit storms, white knight syndrome is like putting your mental dick in a blender. Don't do it. Seriously. It's never worth it.

Completely agree, but for god's sake, woman! Ease up on the similes, or at least post fair warning!

 

[KoPilot]

Well . .since it seems to be a "bash on the guy for his behavior" by all means ladies let it out. I seriously mean this because it seems to me that everyone here telling me its ME that is fucked up is a woman. That isn't far from the truth and I know I have things I need to handle once I return. Only two individuals, of coarse I wont say who and its being handled privately, has offered me any solid advice and have kinda answered my question in the first place.

I love seeing all the different ways people get indignant when they don't get what they want. Man, grow up dude. You don't get to dom the rest of us, you know-- that's not how this stuff works. This is an open forum for discussion; if you don't like it, you can leave. Or at the very least just have dodged questions from the start, but that would have made you look even worse.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Well . .since it seems to be a "bash on the guy for his behavior" by all means ladies let it out. I seriously mean this because it seems to me that everyone here telling me its ME that is fucked up is a woman. That isn't far from the truth and I know I have things I need to handle once I return. Only two individuals, of coarse I wont say who and its being handled privately, has offered me any solid advice and have kinda answered my question in the first place.

It has been *primarily* women who have responded to your thread, but a large part of the reason *I* haven't responded is that they (and DVS and JMohegan) have beat me to what I would have said, and I'm not usually one to pile on, so I didn't add my $0.02 worth until now.

Just FYI, to put a little bit of perhaps-necessary information out to you: I'm 62, male, in the BDSM culture for over 40 years, and a veteran of the Vietnam era. My father served AUS almost 25 years (WWII and Korea enlisted/non-com, then Mustanged as a NucWeps warrant officer for a decade in the 60s), and his father a veteran in WWI. I've had LDR issues, both in my military years and afterward.

I'm not saying you're "fucked up." I *will* say that the situation in which you find yourself is fucked up.

• You have a wife at home, presumably (from what you've mentioned about her) keeping "the home fires banked" while she waits for you. (If you're not familiar with the phrase in quotes, it means - in blunt language - that she's dealing with *her* sexual deprivation with her hand or toys, not some other guy's cock.
• You have an online girlfriend you've never met. She has (had?) a FWB lubing up and filling her little cunny, as well as going out for BDSM photo-shoots, which likely stirred up her hormones, etc. You don't entirely trust her. This is evidenced by the fact that you're concerned that Photog #2 might try to get into her lil panties, and you're afraid she might let him. You also have worries that she isn't strong enough to fend off the attentions of Photog #3, a notorious horndog (according to what other people have told you), even though you've told her not to get involved with him in any way.
• You're in a war zone. According to your last post, you're relatively safe on base in a "rearward" area. Might I remind you that Osama bin Laden also considered himself safe in a guarded compound with a crapton of his most loyal lieutenants... right up until the moment the SEAL team walked in? Dude, there's a reason you're getting combat zone pay. You're in an area where you could fall prey to a sniper's bullet, a *stray* bullet (there are lots of them whizzing around the 'Stan), a mortar round dropped in by someone with nothing better to do that day, an IED placed six inches deep in the road by a cute little pre-teen girl the night before, or a thousand other ways there are to die in a warzone, including a simple infection caused by bumping your shin on the corner of your army-issue desk, breaking the skin and getting a virus in the scratch! Yes, it's true that you can't focus simply on your military life 1,440 minutes a day, but to put yourself in the position of having all these different external (to military duty) issues on your mind is unfair - to you, to your wife, to the military, *and* to your submissive. It only takes a moment - a zig when you should have zagged, a second's delay in ducking when sniper rounds start coming down - to lose your head... *literally.*

How I handle this problem about my actions, my wife, and my dealings with my Sub is up to me. None of you can decide or tell me that. I asked a question and tried to explain everything so that you would know the dynamics of it all and have a better understanding. Complete fail in all regards for attempting that.

Nah... you're just pissed that you're not getting the advice you wanted to get. We get that a lot here. Most of the long-time posters in this forum have been here for years, been in the BDSM culture for years, and offered advice that wasn't exactly what was wanted by questioners many, many times.

Maybe my first post should have been stated as follows:

I have a LDR relationship with a new Sub. She has known issues with depression and gets very upset if I am even slightly mad or disappointed with her. She views this as a failure of epic proportions on her part and can take things way out of proportion at times. How do I bring her emotional back to being OK with things besides positive verbal reinforcement?

Yeah, it would have been helpful if this had been clearly stated from the outset. The answer, however, isn't going to be very helpful. That answer simply is: You pretty much can't, from where you are right now. An enhancement to that answer is: Can you persuade her to seek professional help where she is to help her deal with her depression? If she's in a metropolitan area, she should be able to locate a kink-friendly professional who's familiar with not only her specific issues but also (frequently) with the kinky folks in that area that are more trust-worthy, and perhaps point her in "safer" directions (i.e., photographers more like #1, less like #2, and completely unlike #3 {according to the descriptions/information you've received and passed on about them}). If there are three (or more) professional/semi-professional BDSM photographers in her area, it's likely that it *is* a metropolitan setting, and therefore she should be able to locate a k-f professional available to give her the help/treatment she needs in order to maintain in this difficult and tenuous situation.

Doing this would have completely negated any one of you from knowing the "rest of the story"

I'm not sure what this sentence actually means.

One final fucking note and this one chaps my ass bigger then anything else because NONE of you know the threats or base where I am located. I am perfectly safe here in Afghanistan because my job has me on base doing support work. I rarely leave the FOB and the biggest danger is me falling from a truck or worse case something that goes BOOM falling from the sky. I can not control the later and its something that if it happens it does. I can not change that. I stated that the mission and my troops come first and foremost. What I do in my personal time off is my choice. I can only lift so many weights, run so many miles on a treadmill, and read books for so long.

You are NOT "perfectly safe [t]here in Afghanistan," as stated in bullet point number three above. From *my* military experience, I can tell you that people in a war zone who think they're "perfectly safe" are often the ones who come home in a coffin... and you *know* that's true.

Have a nice day . . . enjoy the freedoms that you have, never give up on your goals, and lastly live every day as if it were the last because you never know when the when your time is up. Life is a journey . .what you do and what paths you take are your decisions and I hope that you are on the right path to find your own happiness.

Thank you for the well wishes. We each return them to you in full and many times over. Many of us here are veterans - of VN, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, the Balkans and other arenas. Almost all the rest are fully cognizant of what you and your comrades have done and are doing to ensure that our freedoms are protected, and we honor you for the sacrifices all of you make.

Please take a little time to consider the fact that, not being emotionally invested in your situation, the folks who have responded to your inquiry have done so honestly and to the best of their ability, to try to help you see clearly into your situation and to make of it the best that may possibly occur, for *all three* of you. None of us are in your shoes. We cannot know all the facts, all the issues, or even all the possible answers. What we have done is to respond to the facts and issues presented, to offer the benefits of our experience and knowledge. I'm pretty sure those responses aren't what you wanted to hear, but perhaps you should look at this entire thread again, and ask yourself: "If someone else had presented these facts to me, what would *I* have said in response?"

It's not easy, even when one is not in a war zone, to have a LDR. Good luck to you, sir, and I can safely say that each of us here hopes that the balance of your deployment is safe, and that you come back to us soon so you can deal with the issues that are troubling you *in person.* Bless you and your comrades in arms.

http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x95/Sir_Winston54/salute.jpg

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks and perhaps I should have done this *smiles* instead of this ?

Completely agree, but for god's sake, woman! Ease up on the similes, or at least post fair warning!

 

[Netzach]

Maybe my first post should have been stated as follows:

I have a LDR relationship with a new Sub. She has known issues with depression and gets very upset if I am even slightly mad or disappointed with her. She views this as a failure of epic proportions on her part and can take things way out of proportion at times. How do I bring her emotional back to being OK with things besides positive verbal reinforcement?

1. That's insane. Yeah she's sick and it's not her fault, and blah etc. but YOU are not her shrink or her God and you can't fix her. Accept where she's at at any given point in time expect her to be aware of it and work on it and remind yourself IT'S NOT ME.
Once miss crazy realizes that her behavior hasn't got the power to make you jump exactly how high she wants she'll either learn something valuable and overcome some of her angst or move on to someone else who's into suffering more than you are. There is literally nothing you can do.

Now, having said that there are things you can TRY and one of them is gentle point-blank communication. I think you probably know how to do this. If you keep it non-threatening and she still freaks out - is this something you really want?


2. You can't. It's her crazy brain and you're being co dependent.

Lest anyone accuse me of being insensitive I'm married to depression, I've talked it off the ledge, I've had my share of feeling like my partner's shit-ass moods are my fault in some way, and slowly but surely I'm able to remind myself there's nobody's mood on earth I can control but me.


3.For your further demographics research, I have brown eyes and an autoimmune disease as well as a pussy. Because that has as much to do with my advice to you as anything else.

 

[BiBunny]

There are SO many things I could say here. So, so, SO many....

 

[sdnt]

Wow, that was kinda hard to read through. A lot has been said. A lot of thought has been put in from various people. The advice they give is given because you asked for it. Given the story that they've heard/read from you, is the only basis that they can go off of. I don't believe it's right that you're cheating on your wife. And I don't think it's fair that your submissive is a little bitch who can't keep herself on a leash. If you guys wanted to try a LDR, maybe you guys should've gotten your affairs in order first. It's not fun not knowing what the person you care about is doing. Your wife is waiting for you. Your submissive seems too weak to rely on someone half way across the world. So thank you, for serving your country. But please, don't keep your thoughts on this girl. She's young and obviously isn't serious about this relationship if she had to ask you if she could fuck someone else. You're married, dude. I know this is gonna seem so rude but what you're doing and saying is kinda coming off like this: Oh no, the woman I decided to spend the rest of my life with can't fulfill my sexual needs and even though I'm halfway across the world, I need them to be filled so let it be with someone I barely even know. - Regardless of whatever you're holding back from us or whatever, whomever is still in the dark about this, I think what you're doing to your wife is wrong. I think your little submissive is wrong in her devotion to you, as you are to your wife.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

*sighs* Sometimes I decide that discretion is the better part of valor.

Even when someone needs to be beaten soundly about the head and shoulders with a clue-by-four.

I had a world class rant ready to throw down, but I'm biting my tongue.

You aren't the only kinky soldier out there. You aren't the only one who's gotten an internet drama llama to generate loads of New Relationship Energy to distract you from the insanity that surrounds you while you are on deployment.

But understand this. Just because it's distracting doesn't make it real. It doesn't mean jack-shit. Your cute little rope bunny in Indianapolis might have nothing better to do than yank your chain. Take off the RCMP uniform, Dudley DooRight, you aren't riding in to save her distracting ass. Keep your head and your heart focused on the mission.

You know, maybe you and your wife could play internet kinky porn stars until you get home. You might find that in the mean time, she's loosened up and gotten ready to try for real. But if you feel you MUST have a distraction who isn't your wife, for fuck's sake find a partner who has her shit together and isn't a drama llama.

And come home safe.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

*sighs* Sometimes I decide that discretion is the better part of valor.

Even when someone needs to be beaten soundly about the head and shoulders with a clue-by-four.

I had a world class rant ready to throw down, but I'm biting my tongue.

You aren't the only kinky soldier out there. You aren't the only one who's gotten an internet drama llama to generate loads of New Relationship Energy to distract you from the insanity that surrounds you while you are on deployment.

But understand this. Just because it's distracting doesn't make it real. It doesn't mean jack-shit. Your cute little rope bunny in Indianapolis might have nothing better to do than yank your chain. Take off the RCMP uniform, Dudley DooRight, you aren't riding in to save her distracting ass. Keep your head and your heart focused on the mission.

You know, maybe you and your wife could play internet kinky porn stars until you get home. You might find that in the mean time, she's loosened up and gotten ready to try for real. But if you feel you MUST have a distraction who isn't your wife, for fuck's sake find a partner who has her shit together and isn't a drama llama.

And come home safe.

And yet another reason I wish you'd drop in to see us more often. If you weren't a guy, I'd totally have an internet crush on you.

 

[submissive_fire]

A) Thank you for your service.

B) If your little sub is so concerned about upsetting or disappointing you, then she would do every damn thing in her power not to do it. Period. End of story. The fact that she is even contemplating it shows her total disregard for you.

 

[babygrl11]

I think he should have respected,your limits because,1- you're not exactly,there,in person to,deal with the photog. 2-"for all intents and purposes, you're her protector,and you'd basically like to know that she,won't get hurt. Im a sub but I'd be Leary of doing something like a photo shoot without my protector there to make sure everything goes the way it should

 

[waaitg]

The relationship comments stand on their own and you don't need mine.

As far as the LDR you have with this girl, it seems to me you came on here looking for advice about "how do I get her to follow my instructions".

Short answer is: you can't

You understand orders, chain of command and duty. But you also know that at the end of the day, everyone chooses what they will or will not do. And given that this is a LDR where you haven't met yet, I'm not holding out much for your chances of persuading her otherwise.

How much energy you decide to spend on this "issue" is up to you, but like so many have pointed out, you might want to reconsider your priorities while deployed, even if you are not in theater/combat.

W~

 

[Stella_Omega]

She hasn't asked you for money, has she?