Dream Sensualist's Catharsis

[the captians wench]

Today is all about me. I am going to-
1. have breakfast with a friend.
2. Keep an appointment with the Dr
3 finish sewing some curtains
4. Paint yet another room (I hate moving)
5. Do a centering yoga practice & some anatomy visualization study.
6. Take a shower (it's been a few days - yuck)
7. Play "rackasa" with my son, finish a craft with my daughter & dance in the kitchen with both.
8. Read a book instead of watching TV.
9. Possibly masturbate
10. Breath, smile, continue to put one foot in front of the other and live a mindful day.

This is a great idea.

I try to take at least one day every other week and make it about me (a bit more easier for me as I live alone). It really is important, especially while we're greiving.

 

[rida]

breathing is so much harder than we give it credit to...

hugs!

 

[thesassysub]

*takes a deep breath*

No, hubby would never be able to understand this. What I meant by he wouldn't be surprised is that throughout our marriage it has been an uphill struggle. I don't mean that it has been work. Every relationship is work & the more it means to you the more work you are willing to put in. From the start he was distant, blamed my "crazy" side for any disagreements, never talked to me, and I was never high on his priority list. But it is a different story now. He is a great father, does many of the household chores, spends time with me & the kids, is open sexually to a certain extent. But I still feel that he is holding me back. *tries to explain*.... I believe that everyones happiness is up to the individual. As a general rule I am a happy person. And he does not make me unhappy, nor does he give me any reason to be happy, and in fact I feel at times that he is a bit of a wet blanket... just enough to dampen down my mood, hold me back. And so I have addressed this with him (much more tactfully though). In fact according to the time log K sent the Goodbye message at the same time as hubby & I were walking along the beach talking about a separation. I have tried for years to let him know what it is I desire. And bless the man, he tries so hard. He hardly ever judges my kinks, and has tried pretty much everything I have asked. We talk about it, he memorizes it & then he follows the steps required. Has no passion, not in the bedroom, not for his family, not at work. No where in his life does he feel deeply.

And that is where I stand now. Hubby is gone for a while, I am assessing if i can live without the passion, and if I can't how do I tell a man who in essence is one of the best men I have ever known. He is just not the man for me.

And as to the one who owns my passion, if I go to him, if he comes to me, or we never meet again, nothing can happen without both of us giving our whole heart to each other.

Until then I will breath. Thanks Licia.

I think many here have felt what you're feeling, and are trying to get you step out of the intoxicating experience that you're in so that you can make good decisions.

For myself, although I don't regret my divorce, I see clearly now that part of my criticisms of my husband were a way for me to deflect examining my own life. In order to sustain passion and excitement and zest for life and all that, your source must be found within. A love affair or falling in love will for a time feed your soul but ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. That's not to say that your relationship with your partner doesn't play a role. I think a good partner will support and inspire you while you chase your dreams, but you have to ultimately be responsible for moving your life forward.

And I gotta say, this:

He is a great father, does many of the household chores, spends time with me & the kids, is open sexually to a certain extent.

and this:

And bless the man, he tries so hard. He hardly ever judges my kinks, and has tried pretty much everything I have asked. We talk about it, he memorizes it & then he follows the steps required.

sound pretty damn good, and do not describe a person who has no passion or who doesn't feel deeply.

My advice is not to live without passion, but to first give yourself time to get over the affair and then spend time figuring out what you want from your life, separate and apart from your relationship. Work on you for a while. Find your own passion and happiness and then see where your relationship is at.

 

[DreamSensualist]

Thanks sassy. There are so many grey areas in life, and I try & actually live every day ... I actually wrote a post on it & long time ago. I'll try & see if I can find it.

 

[DreamSensualist]

You know what K,

I just got back from the shrink appointment & he told me that I may be the most challenging & complex person he has ever met. Sorry that she is challenging & I was just to dependable for you.

And speaking of which, in addition to dumping me via FL message, and not talking to me, I really wish you would think things through a bit. You actually wrote all this good stuff about her, without addressing us & then wonder why the fuck I feel that there has been no closure. I really don't appreciate it that. Not only was I down by being dumped but then you kick me in the teeth when you talk about how special she is but give me no reason to hold onto happy memories of the past. Maybe this is what you meant by tainting D/s, because you have made this breakup all the more difficult for me because of your lack of communication.

I am sure she is great. I have never disputed that. I get why you stay with her even though at times you say she can be selfish or self-centered without thought for others. I also understand that you love her, and that even though at the first she has asked for full access to your accounts, telling you that she needed this to build her trust in you again, you are willing to do this. I'm not sure that all those years ago when I didn't drag things on & respected your privacy that perhaps you didn't take that as thinking i wasn't willing to fight for us, even though I was, and you didn't, I knew that holding tight, starting fresh would have to start with a basis of trust that we could build on and I didn't want to pry.

Do you realize that in your letter you say that I need to know something, and before you go on to tell me what it is you let me know how her fucking tender heart is .... Sure, I know you love her, but that doesn't mean you need to twist the knife in my heart. Is it you or her that feels that's it better to be insensitive to my feeling & need for closure and some understanding? Is it because you don't care for me, maybe because you're trying to make a clean cut & you know we are each others weaknesses, you are pretending for her, or are you pandering to her insecurities & trust issues, which I know in part you brought upon yourself, but she seems to be amplifying them.

You know what also, I read "Swinging is not a Band-Aid. If you and your partner do not have a solid foundation, this lifestyle has the potential to destroy you". It seems to me that this was written, the who article, with great insight. Do you have that solid foundation or is it still shaky? Oh, and then it goes on to say that the most important thing is communication. How's that going for you?

Yes, I know that this is pissing you off. That I hardly ever get my sarcastic fuck you attitude, but seriously, you can't be surprised. I love you, but I will respect that it is over (for now). Why the fuck can't you respect just the simple common courtesy of communication? There are very few times I feel toppy, but right now I would love to shove you right where your heart is, and when you right yourself I'd hit at you again & not stop until I felt that you finally understand that this is hurting me & while any break-up hurts, it is a direct result of your actions (or non-communication) that makes this harder than it means to be.

So you know what, I don't want to talk to you, I really don't give a fuck. If you feel that you can let me know that you love me but that you realized that we can't continue because of our own situations, and you hope that we can have fond memories & maybe in the next life then I would love to hear that. Anything else I''m not interested in, I am well on my way to building anger that will turn to hate before it slowly dies away and you'll be a gossamer memory that is not tender, or wistful, just something that happened in my life with some guy who was insensitive & so I try & forget him.

 

[DreamSensualist]

Ok. I'm over my little aggressive phase . Not going to have a pity party either. Some pranayama & some meditation then silly time with the kids.

Jt, je t'aime toujours. Mo anam cara ~ signed the other half.

 

[HottieMama]

"Swinging is not a Band-Aid. If you and your partner do not have a solid foundation, this lifestyle has the potential to destroy you". It seems to me that this was written, the who article, with great insight. Do you have that solid foundation or is it still shaky? Oh, and then it goes on to say that the most important thing is communication. How's that going for you?

I know from experience that this is absolutely true...

I wish you well Dream...

 

[DreamSensualist]

I didn't think that the need to rant & rave, or sob pathetically would be over so soon. All in the world is not perfect. But lines of communication are open. I have promised myself to be brutally honest with myself. I am more aware of what is require for a harmonious life. Things were not perfect before, and then they got worse. Now they are far from good, but I know tat I need to do something to make it the life I am proud to take responsibility for. The decision making process continues without angst or fear.