"Earn the right", can this mess with the subs mindset? Debate!

[madetotakeit]

I don't think there is anything in being told you have to earn something that gives any additional control to the submissive. Even when ordered to do something I have to control myself to do it. There is no power conflict in this. I am responsible for my own actions.

I like the idea of earning something. Maybe I earned too many gold stars as a kid, but I like the satisfaction that a challenge was put forth and I met it. And I have to admit, needing to be challenged is a big part of my makeup.

That being said, I couldn't imagine it as something that was constant. It is one thing as a test, an exercise, a whim. It is another to live day in and day out with the constant pressure of having to win approval, contact, orgasm, whatever that carrot might be. It seems to me it would have the dangers of instilling a mindset that is similar to what mental abusers use to control. It also seems like the pressure of micromanaging the checks and balances would be mentally exhausting to the Dom and take a lot of pleasure out of seeing the pass or fail.

 

[callinectes]

Why deny someone something that I enjoy? I would think their service to me is enough to earn it.

That is exactly what Daddy would say.

 

[Fauna]

I'm bad news for all but special weird people.

I like to make it clear that it's all about my very arbitrary whim. I may call H every hour on the hour and make him whack it. I may prohibit it for a month. His behavior has nothing to do with it - it's all me and what I feel like.

Thanks for the fun idea! I do like to push my male subs to a limit that will great heighten their orgasms. I love watching men cum.

 

[Netzach]

Thanks for the fun idea! I do like to push my male subs to a limit that will great heighten their orgasms. I love watching men cum.

YW. "too much of a good thing" sadism is highly under-utilized with males, I find.

 

[Davetmat]

I'm bad news for all but special weird people.

I like to make it clear that it's all about my very arbitrary whim. I may call H every hour on the hour and make him whack it. I may prohibit it for a month. His behavior has nothing to do with it - it's all me and what I feel like. But you have nailed one thing that's never appealed to me about punishment/reward carrot/stick thinking. I prefer something a little less easy for my sub to get their head around.

That sounds like a blast

 

[VelvetDarkness]

See, I dislike the whole concept of setting up some sort of "earning" thing. Doing it for a one-off game or somesuch would be fine, but setting up that idea as a constant sets up weird expectations. "If you do X, I will reward you with Y". No thanks. I don't like expectations of that sort. I like "Serve me to your utmost, and I will treat you as I see fit".

Master is exactly like this. As OSG said, rewards for what amount to standard levels of service feel inappropriate. Master is fond of reminding me that, as his slave, I have no automatic right to anything. I don't feel unappreciated or resentful if he's a selfish ass at times, I accept that it's a natural part of a dynamic where there is no concept of fairness or quid pro quo.

If I'm serving in a way that I find difficult or that requires a great deal of effort/endurance on my part, Master might wave a potential reward as a motivational tool but it's still about him getting his needs met with as much effort and enthusiasm as possible.

Personally, I love the fact that when he does decide to spoil me, it's always a complete surprise and more to do with his mood and feelings towards me at the time than anything I've done for him lately. If he's in a soppy mood, I get spoiled. If I 'earned' a reward and he was in no mood to snuggle on the couch and tell me what a great pet I am, both of us would be dissatisfied. So I really like his arbitrary capriciousness, it's one of the things that drew me to TPE with him.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Personally, I love the fact that when he does decide to spoil me, it's always a complete surprise and more to do with his mood and feelings towards me at the time than anything I've done for him lately. If he's in a soppy mood, I get spoiled. If I 'earned' a reward and he was in no mood to snuggle on the couch and tell me what a great pet I am, both of us would be dissatisfied. So I really like his arbitrary capriciousness, it's one of the things that drew me to TPE with him.

thinking about it, Daddy is very much like this. when he does decide to treat or "reward" me, it's always a complete surprise. there is never any carrot waved in front of me...do this, and you may get this. that is the sort of arrangement i think of when i hear the word "earn" and that is not something that would feel natural or appropriate to me in a D/s union.

but yes, sometimes he will get up and decide to do most of my chores for me, or treat me to a wonderful meal at a restaurant i love, or watch a favorite movie with me, etc. at these times he acknowledges the service i provide for him and his appreciation of it, but it's never something i can expect. there are times when he may subject me to something especially torturous and difficult, and afterwards leave me to weep in a little ball alone, or may order me to tend to my regular duties no matter how shaken or wounded i may be. then there are other times when afterwards he will take me into his arms and hold me seemingly for hours, kissing me gently and making life feel sweet again. as a slave one just never knows how the cards may fall, and i actually prefer that, as again it reinforces the reality that i am not in control here.

 

[Netzach]

I'm also in this crowd as an owner. But I think a lot of it is where you come from in life. I was always having gifts dangled in my face by my grandparents and various forms of guilting going on, the performance never adequate, the "thanks" never enough. I'd rather die than inflict this on other people, so I go with the "sometimes I'm an asshole, sometimes I'll treat you like gold, it's all just my bag of shit, you're along for the ride if you want, don't take it all so personally."

 

[Desdemona]

bingo

my orgasm is not something I "earn". I must ask permission to have one, but it's not my merits as a submissive that tell him to say "okay", it's when he decides he wants it to happen

He enjoys my orgasms as much as I do. I don't have to earn them and actually, I don't have to ask. YMMV

Hell, sometimes he makes me cum so much it hurts. Then he makes it happen some more and I'm begging him to stop. The sadist in him enjoys that part. He keeps going until he decides it's over or until my body quits responding to the stimulus in a way he enjoys.

 

[EmpressFi]

He enjoys my orgasms as much as I do. I don't have to earn them and actually, I don't have to ask. YMMV

Hell, sometimes he makes me cum so much it hurts. Then he makes it happen some more and I'm begging him to stop. The sadist in him enjoys that part. He keeps going until he decides it's over or until my body quits responding to the stimulus in a way he enjoys.

we've done that too.. I get too sensitive at times and want to move away..

 

[The_Good_Sub]

well, first post. so hi everyone.

With that out of the way I'd like to say I enjoy being the sub and being denied my orgasms. The most I have gone is a week or so, but most the time I get them with no rhyme or reason. My master and I don't always play the Dom/Sub roles but when we do I have to work very hard. It's never to earn anything, it's just what I have to do as a slave. I get what I get and that's it, no mind games no hoops to jump through. It's always a pleasure for me to serve regardless of what i get in return because my reward is my masters pleasure.