Etiquette for responding to PM's

[BiBunny]

Has anybody considered that this person may not have wanted to "play" at all? I don't know how much talking between the two of them had been done beforehand--although "responded to a PM" sure makes it sound like there wasn't much--but lots of women get lots of PMs on Lit, especially if they haven't adjusted their profile settings to hide when they're online.

Women respond to this differently. I get some dude messaging me out of nowhere about how he wants to "play" or something, and I don't bother answering. If he keeps sending messages, I just block him without ever responding (because any reply, polite, rude, or whatever, is reinforcing that if he messages me often enough, he can eventually get me to answer him). Some people feel like it's nicer to say something like "Maybe we can 'play' sometime" when they have no intention of ever doing so. They give a vague, non-committal, somewhat appeasing reply (to avoid triggering the usual insane rage you get from turning down dudes with hard dicks) and then stop talking to these dudes and hope they forget about them and move on to somebody else.

Yes, yes, I know this is where the butt-hurt dudes are gonna come in talking about how horrible women are for doing this, blah, blah, whatever. But many of us have a pretty good radar for detecting the clingers, the nutters, the rage monsters, and other assorted people that are just going to be a pain in the ass to deal with. And different women deal with them in different ways.

Anyway, if that happened to be her thought process (i.e., this one is weird/pushy/clingy/off in some way that makes me not want to deal with him), then that ultimatum PM essentially confirmed that belief and told her she made the right decision.

I guess being an older man (I'm 53 but look 30 so that's my age in LIT ) I expect when someone says "I'll answer you tonight" then I expect at last an apology when they forget, or can't. If that's needy... well... then I'm on the wrong planet.

If this is an established relationship--not necessarily a romantic or sexual one, but a friendship or even just friendly acquaintance-ship--then that's one thing.

If it's some rando demanding something from you that you never actually committed to in the first place, then, yes, it's needy and pushy and obnoxious. But lots of men have this curious belief that everyone owes them something just because they showed up, and that kind of behavior makes women angry and puts them off, especially when it's justified in the men's minds by trying pin the blame on the woman. It has nothing to do with age or anything else but that attitude of entitlement.

Again, I don't know exactly how this played out because the OP is rather vague and doesn't tell us how long they'd been talking or if they'd established even the flimsiest sort of relationship, but certain bits of the wording and especially the "playing games" and "this has happened to me several times before" parts made me wonder. But I could be wrong, I dunno.

 

[jonnysimple]

Here's what I got from a woman on FetLife a few days ago. It was in response to leaving me hanging for three days while she got busy with work, and she simply said "I'll chat with you another time" and not "later tonight" ...

I'm sorry that I disappeared. I just have not had the time to spend chatting with you. I hope you can forgive my sporadic exchanges for now.

(I don't much care if you believe me or not, but I take pride in being honest)

Now THAT is the response I expect and greatly appreciate. This is the stuff of relationship and trust building. I hate to say it, but this woman is 46 versus the 27 year old that triggered this thread.

Not sure how to kill a thread, but I'd like to kill this one, as I have had enough feedback to know that I won't change a thing other than to simply ignore people who are rude and disrespectful rather than send a message to that affect.

Thank you everyone for your feedback, it is greatly appreciated, and lifted my spirits.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Payun]

Also I don't think you should be killing a thread just because you (the OP) are no longer interested in it. The whole point of a forum is for someone else who stumbles upon your thread later on to learn from your (and/or other's) mistakes.

 

[jonnysimple]

Your age thing is not so honest it could be argued.

Also, I don't see anyone that has been rude or disrespectful, merely some, most forcefully me, who has taken an opposing stance. I think its fair to say most would not call me rude, but it is not rude or disrespectful to hold a strong contrary opinion, and lines such as this really very strongly reinforce mine.

I am sorry you have found the way opinions were expressed to be offensive, but you did ask for opinions, not consolation, and understanding why your responses would be threatening or unnerving to some might help you in the future.

I was referring to the person I PM'ed with being rude and disrespectful, NOT the people who responded to this post. I have nothing but the utmost respect for each and every opinion given here, since as you can see, each was well written, well thought out, and well delivered, without malice. Not sure where the misinterpretation came from in my words, but perhaps that's also what happened with the person I was PM'ing with.

 

[jonnysimple]

Also I don't think you should be killing a thread just because you (the OP) are no longer interested in it. The whole point of a forum is for someone else who stumbles upon your thread later on to learn from your (and/or other's) mistakes.

What I meant by this is to simply not allow more input, as I believe all possible responses have been given. I too agree that others can and will learn from this experience, and perhaps do what I apparently didn't; be clear in your wording.

 

[FelicityJohns]

Women respond to this differently. I get some dude messaging me out of nowhere about how he wants to "play" or something, and I don't bother answering. If he keeps sending messages, I just block him without ever responding (because any reply, polite, rude, or whatever, is reinforcing that if he messages me often enough, he can eventually get me to answer him). Some people feel like it's nicer to say something like "Maybe we can 'play' sometime" when they have no intention of ever doing so. They give a vague, non-committal, somewhat appeasing reply (to avoid triggering the usual insane rage you get from turning down dudes with hard dicks) and then stop talking to these dudes and hope they forget about them and move on to somebody else.

Yes, yes, I know this is where the butt-hurt dudes are gonna come in talking about how horrible women are for doing this, blah, blah, whatever. But many of us have a pretty good radar for detecting the clingers, the nutters, the rage monsters, and other assorted people that are just going to be a pain in the ass to deal with. And different women deal with them in different ways.

This is sort of off the main topic, but still related... I'm reading this and suppose I've been really fortunate so far. I've gotten a lot of PM's, and not once have I gotten this kind of rudeness from a guy. Yes, have gotten a few that were obviously 'fishing', but I responded to them with a hello, not interested, and a couple blatant enough (and empty profiles which is a no no for me) that I simply ignored.

I just kind of feel compelled to send a shout out to all those guys who are polite and considerate and respectful. I never mind hearing from someone like that. And I find it really sad that the respectful guys are getting lumped in with these bibunny describes...

Also know that this is the same for women. I tend to look at it as 'people' because there are some nasty ladies out there too (not good nasty either! lol)

There are good guys out there. And Johnny, there are good women too, Don't give up

Back to your reg. sched. programming

 

[SpunThings]

Here's what I got from a woman on FetLife a few days ago. It was in response to leaving me hanging for three days while she got busy with work, and she simply said "I'll chat with you another time" and not "later tonight" ...

I'm sorry that I disappeared. I just have not had the time to spend chatting with you. I hope you can forgive my sporadic exchanges for now.

(I don't much care if you believe me or not, but I take pride in being honest)

Now THAT is the response I expect and greatly appreciate. This is the stuff of relationship and trust building. I hate to say it, but this woman is 46 versus the 27 year old that triggered this thread.

Not sure how to kill a thread, but I'd like to kill this one, as I have had enough feedback to know that I won't change a thing other than to simply ignore people who are rude and disrespectful rather than send a message to that affect.

Thank you everyone for your feedback, it is greatly appreciated, and lifted my spirits.

I'm not easily offended, but I find your ageism offensive. There are plenty of idiots and jerks of all ages. There are also plenty of respectful, and polite 20 somethings.

 

[SpunThings]

Has anybody considered that this person may not have wanted to "play" at all? I don't know how much talking between the two of them had been done beforehand--although "responded to a PM" sure makes it sound like there wasn't much--but lots of women get lots of PMs on Lit, especially if they haven't adjusted their profile settings to hide when they're online.

Women respond to this differently. I get some dude messaging me out of nowhere about how he wants to "play" or something, and I don't bother answering. If he keeps sending messages, I just block him without ever responding (because any reply, polite, rude, or whatever, is reinforcing that if he messages me often enough, he can eventually get me to answer him). Some people feel like it's nicer to say something like "Maybe we can 'play' sometime" when they have no intention of ever doing so. They give a vague, non-committal, somewhat appeasing reply (to avoid triggering the usual insane rage you get from turning down dudes with hard dicks) and then stop talking to these dudes and hope they forget about them and move on to somebody else.

Yes, yes, I know this is where the butt-hurt dudes are gonna come in talking about how horrible women are for doing this, blah, blah, whatever. But many of us have a pretty good radar for detecting the clingers, the nutters, the rage monsters, and other assorted people that are just going to be a pain in the ass to deal with. And different women deal with them in different ways.

Anyway, if that happened to be her thought process (i.e., this one is weird/pushy/clingy/off in some way that makes me not want to deal with him), then that ultimatum PM essentially confirmed that belief and told her she made the right decision.



If this is an established relationship--not necessarily a romantic or sexual one, but a friendship or even just friendly acquaintance-ship--then that's one thing.

If it's some rando demanding something from you that you never actually committed to in the first place, then, yes, it's needy and pushy and obnoxious. But lots of men have this curious belief that everyone owes them something just because they showed up, and that kind of behavior makes women angry and puts them off, especially when it's justified in the men's minds by trying pin the blame on the woman. It has nothing to do with age or anything else but that attitude of entitlement.

Again, I don't know exactly how this played out because the OP is rather vague and doesn't tell us how long they'd been talking or if they'd established even the flimsiest sort of relationship, but certain bits of the wording and especially the "playing games" and "this has happened to me several times before" parts made me wonder. But I could be wrong, I dunno.

I understand what you're saying, but not being clear about lack of interest up front isn't a very wise way of dealing with internet PMs. The OP said she wrote "I'll answer you tonight." If she's so bad at boundaries that she says the complete opposite of what she means, that's not his fault.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[BiBunny]

<snip> And I find it really sad that the respectful guys are getting lumped in with these bibunny describes... <snip>

Well, for me, it's a matter of my sanity being more important than anybody else's ego. Other people may feel differently, and tat's fine.

I understand what you're saying, but not being clear about lack of interest up front isn't a very wise way of dealing with internet PMs. The OP said she wrote "I'll answer you tonight." If she's so bad at boundaries that she says the complete opposite of what she means, that's not his fault.

I'm not saying it's necessarily the best coping mechanism. I'm just saying that it's what some women do.

 

[FelicityJohns]

Well, for me, it's a matter of my sanity being more important than anybody else's ego. Other people may feel differently, and tat's fine.



I'm not saying it's necessarily the best coping mechanism. I'm just saying that it's what some women do.

Just so we're clear, I'm with you on this. If I were getting those types of messages, I'd react the same way, gotta take care of you... actually, I'd probably just leave! lol So my hat's off to you.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Kinky_babygirl]

Some clarifications; it wasn't a full week, but 4 days. My "accusation" was simply to say that I don't like games, so respond by this date or I'll assume the original PM was not of a serious nature.

Ok, tbh if it was me and I DID have plans on getting back to you, but just got caught up, busy, etc. I would definitely not after this ultimatum. I mean it's just very entitled, like she owes you or is indebted to you.
That's just my two cents.

Maybe she changed her mind. It happens. Maybe she got busy. Happens.
I know you feel like she owes you because she initially said she wanted to play but we are free to change our minds...and life is free to keep us busy and get in the way sometimes.

 

[BiBunny]

Just so we're clear, I'm with you on this. If I were getting those types of messages, I'd react the same way, gotta take care of you... actually, I'd probably just leave! lol So my hat's off to you.

Honestly, I rarely get them anymore because I've got my profile set to where I'm invisible when I'm online, so I don't show up in the "who's online" list. And I do get quite a few lovely PMs from both men and women from the forums, so there's that.

People who are active on the forums are rarely the ones who act this way, BTW. It's usually people--and I say "people" because women can be disgusting, too--who have either zero posts, very few posts, or post mostly in AmPics or the roleplay forums. The ones who, if you click on their posting history, only have a whole bunch of "That's hot," "Show us more," and "Here is my sexual fantasy" posts, if they have any at all. Regular contributors--i.e., the ones who are here for something other than masturbation material--hardly ever behave that way, for which we're all very grateful.

You see, I think straight forward unpleasant messages are simpler to deal with. Just delete and move on. Its the 'nice' messages that raise hackles for no particular reason are more difficult to react to well.

.

Yeeeeesssss, so much this. ^^^^

I can see where some people (who are probably a lot less brittle and a lot more pleasant than I am) would feel almost obligated to reply to those kinds of messages, even when there's something about the whole thing that seems off.

Ok, tbh if it was me and I DID have plans on getting back to you, but just got caught up, busy, etc. I would definitely not after this ultimatum. I mean it's just very entitled, like she owes you or is indebted to you.
That's just my two cents.

Maybe she changed her mind. It happens. Maybe she got busy. Happens.
I know you feel like she owes you because she initially said she wanted to play but we are free to change our minds...and life is free to keep us busy and get in the way sometimes.

See, you said exactly what I meant, just more clearly and with fewer words, LOL.

 

[LikesToGive]

Ok, tbh if it was me and I DID have plans on getting back to you, but just got caught up, busy, etc. I would definitely not after this ultimatum. I mean it's just very entitled, like she owes you or is indebted to you.
That's just my two cents.

Maybe she changed her mind. It happens. Maybe she got busy. Happens.
I know you feel like she owes you because she initially said she wanted to play but we are free to change our minds...and life is free to keep us busy and get in the way sometimes.

I guess that there are two different ways to look at it. I am not getting the idea that he is an individual who just goes around expecting things. Sure she may have become busy. Or she might have changed her mind. May have not even planned on getting back at all. It just would have perhaps been kind and respectful to not have made an initial promise in the first place. Since this sort of can be interpreted as leading someone on. It also would have maybe been a nice gesture to contact him back. Even if something changed. I think this is the issue the OP may have had.

Then there is the issue of her end. She is under no obligation to talk with anyone at all. Nor does she even necessarily have to explain herself. What she wants is just as important on that end. Even if not understood by him or anyone else for that matter. He still needs to be respectful.

It sucks that the world is not lived within a neat little box. Not everyone is going to think the way we do about every single thing. The same event or experience can be interpreted differently by any two individual people.

The key still perhaps is why would one want to interact with someone who does not have a desire to make the same kind of effort?

Thinking about what was and is not meant to be truly seems like a waste of time.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Eilan]

I got a series of unsolicited asshat PMs from the OP. Just sayin'.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I think a follow up 'are you still interested?' Message is fair certainly, but I would not have reacted well to an accusatory pm as a very early days communication, if nothing had been discussed about nature of this , it would have made me rather concerned.

This. Receiving a message like that from someone with whom I was chatting via PM, not in a relationship with, I am not sure I would even respond to it. I probably would, but it would be brief and dismissive and then on to the ignore list.

I got a series of unsolicited asshat PMs from the OP. Just sayin'.

Somehow, I'm not at all surprised by this.

 

[amofiga]

I've encountered both courteous and rude treatment on this and another similar website. People are people and some know how to deal with others and some don't. It's always hard to tell with PM's and responses. Sometimes people really are busy or can't respond right away for a whole variety of reasons including work pressures, home pressures, illness, etc. Other times it could just be some troll playing games of an out and out phony who delights in leading people on. I've encountered the men posing as women and such. Some people are just weird and fucked up.

If I try several times to initiate a good exchange and open conversation and all I get are responses consisting or one or two words, I can get the message and move on. One of the nice things about anonymous internet connection. But I've also found some great friends who enjoy discussing a wide variety of topics from travel and writing to kinky sex. It just depends on the person. Best not to give up but also good not to expect too much. Some people come here to play the "hit em and quit em" game just like in real life.

 

[gypsyTX]

I've just had a very negative experience and would like to know your opinion. Someone responded to a PM saying they were into BDSM and possibly wanted to play, but that they were at work and would get back to me "later tonight." I waited close to one week for a response. I then gave her a time when I would no longer be interested to hear from her, since this felt like a game she was playing (which I've experienced several times before). She responded by blaming me for being pushy and "too needy" and ended the conversation.

My question is of etiquette; Did I not handle this correctly? How would YOU have handled it?

I would agree if this were a regular conversation, but saying "we should play" initiates an expectation on my part that affects my personal planing. For example; the intent to play for me is something serious, and entails making plans and arrangements, let alone the initial "getting to know you" phase which is already quite a lengthy process. So if I'm to expect a four days wait per conversation iteration, then this puts me on hold for that time, as I don't play with multiple partners at the same time. My first response to the play suggestion was to say "hey sure, then let's talk" which I believe was clear enough.

Here's what I got from a woman on FetLife a few days ago. It was in response to leaving me hanging for three days while she got busy with work, and she simply said "I'll chat with you another time" and not "later tonight" ...

I'm sorry that I disappeared. I just have not had the time to spend chatting with you. I hope you can forgive my sporadic exchanges for now.

(I don't much care if you believe me or not, but I take pride in being honest)

Now THAT is the response I expect and greatly appreciate. This is the stuff of relationship and trust building. I hate to say it, but this woman is 46 versus the 27 year old that triggered this thread.

Not sure how to kill a thread, but I'd like to kill this one, as I have had enough feedback to know that I won't change a thing other than to simply ignore people who are rude and disrespectful rather than send a message to that affect.

Thank you everyone for your feedback, it is greatly appreciated, and lifted my spirits.

You say both of those just happened but you also say you don't play with multiple partners at the same time.

 

[jonnysimple]

The second woman I quoted is simply a chat and not a play-partner.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[jonnysimple]

How do you feel having heard different opinions Jonnysimple?

Thanks for asking!

There have been many responses and opinions, as is usually the case with these threads. For me, knowing my side of the story, and knowing who I am, and the respect I have for people in general, I did see that there was a certain level of fault from my side of things, eg., I should have simply let it slide and not expect anything. However, in an attempt to ever-so-slightly affect the societal selfishness that I feel is somewhat prevalent these days, I made it known that saying "I'll get back to you tonight" with no response for four days, ESPECIALLY after saying "Hey, I'd like to play with you" was NOT well taken.

So... I felt that posting this here was a good thing, and did ultimately make me feel better about the event.