Exercise: haiku pruning

[daughter]

Yes, Drake

That's the poem.

((d smacking forehead))

I forgot to come back and post the poem. LOL

Man, I'm going to have to get back to study and reading to keep up with you. Feel free to slow down anytime. I'm an old woman, I tell you! Have mercy on me.


Peace,

daughter

 

[TheDR4KE]

lol

careful with that forehead smacking ... every braincell counts when you struggle with that final rhyme ;-)

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

perkerotiku

erotiku...<grin>
erotic, 5 7 5, season, zen observation, twist

stiff winter merengue
lucious creamy white-tipped peaks
mother earth goddess

Mmmm that invites many wonderful visuals to the front of my mind: memories of the real and the imagined, both.

Are we getting a candy cane haiku next??? ;-)

winter merengue
stiff tipped peaks
creamy earth goddess

Great reduction -- I love the way you moved words around between the lines to refine the work. I would probably move the winter merengue line to the end, or at least break after the first line if you leave it as is, so:

stiff tipped peaks
creamy earth goddess -
winter merengue

or

winter merengue -
stiff tipped peaks
creamy earth goddess

That way the stiff tipped peaks are seperated from the merengue a little more and the goddess/peaks link becomes just that bit stronger.

Re-reading those, yours is somehow softer, more feminine though. Great work Perky, love it

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

my christmas haiku (fun

I jokingly suggested it, but then got inspired. Beat 'ya to it perky ;-)

thinking of presents
distracted by memories -
of course: candy cane

Pruned:

What present?
lost in memories...
Candy Cane!

Although normally haiku looks better when all in lower case and without punctuation (other than the "-" line divide), I tried to use the punctuation marks and capitalisation in this one to convey the different modes of thought. Capitalised first line and question mark sets the tone for serious questioning. Lower case and ellipses then portray a more ruminating, wandering off image as he gets distracted thinking of her, rather than what to get her. Capitalising both words and adding the exclamation mark for the third line makes it so strong that you can't help but snap out of the reverie. And then you think ... Why would he give her a candy cane? What would make him think of candy canes while dreaming about her? <grin>

I hope that it didn't really need explanation though LOL

Hmmmm I don't really indicate that it is a guy thinking about his love though. Could be an uncle thinking of a nephew or anything...

choosing her present
distracted by memories -
of course: candy cane

Pruned:

Lovers present?
lost in memories...
Candy Cane!

Yeah, that's better

Drake

 

[garyblue]

yeah, but a real poet...

I love the imagery, but I think this shows how trying to keep to a syllable count can introduce way too many words, confusing rather than enhancing the poetry of the observation.

That's the challenge isn't it, finding that perfect set of words?

g

 

[TheDR4KE]

That's the challenge isn't it, finding that perfect set of words?

LOL -- yes, of course it is

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

yet more on haiku

The following link is to a very in-depth discussion of 5-7-5 form and the differences between japanese and english language structure.

http://home1.pacific.net.sg/~loudon/keiko.htm

As I've mentioned before, I fully appreciate a poet following the 5-7-5 form in their haiku as a rule by which they enforce the discipline in their work.

The exercise in this thread is to write something in the 'traditional' form, then cull it down to fewer syllables. The point for this exercise is to push yourself to be able to express the key elements of the spirit of haiku, which go beyond the word length of the pieces.

The closing paragraph from the article linked above is:

In short, writing within the rigid structure of Japanese haiku is made possible by the remarkable malleability and redundancy of the Japanese language which allows for a multitude of options in expressing a single thought. In languages such as English and its relatives whose grammars are heavily dependent on word order, haiku must and will take a much different form from that in Japanese. By concerning ourselves too much with the outward form of haiku, we can lose sight of its essence.

and it is that essence that I'm trying to get at with the game we're playing here

Drake

 

[perks]

Re: perkerotiku

the duck wants a candycane eroticku?....lol....okay sugah


let's see....what are my guidelines again.....

erotic, 5-7-5, season, zen observation, twist

winter angel lips
sucking curved peppermint
chilling sticky skin

pruned

angel lips
sticky peppermint
sucking curve

perky

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: Re: perkerotiku

winter angel lips
sucking curved peppermint
chilling sticky skin

pruned

angel lips
sticky peppermint
sucking curve

hmm ... that last word doesn't work well for me. Not quite enough of a twist in it, unless you know what it's about. How to give it a better turn-around?

I know you can do better

Drake
(yeah okay, so maybe I just want to read more of your erotiku ;-)

 

[perks]

Re: Re: Re: perkerotiku

hmm ... that last word doesn't work well for me. Not quite enough of a twist in it, unless you know what it's about. How to give it a better turn-around?

what do you mean? <weg> it's about sucking a candycane...lol

okay ......no, I know what you mean...it was 4 am in the morning and I must have rewritten the pruned version 20 plus times....I'm not happy with it either...grrrrr.....
let me try again

thinking<hmmmm hmmm hmmmmmm>

chilled breath kissing skin
tracing peppermint stripes
up your candycane

<sigh> I'm missing the damn season....but I'm hoping the candycane reference will suffice...let me know...I'm sure I can write another.

I think I'm losing the twist too......fuck my brain.....grrr

let's try a different approach...what are my guidelines again?

erotic, 5 7 5, zen observation, season, twist, candycane

warm tongue tip tracing
white sticky peppermint stripes
hard winter candy

god that has no depth.....I think I'm fading, let me take a break and come back to it......
I've never been at such a loss with a freakin' candycane before.....please someone else......HELP!!!!......lol
perky

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Great exercise from the dr4ke

U.P.

 

[Guest]

My contribution....

Original 5-7-5:

Soft, tender new skin
The wriggling of little toes
Life's simple pleasures

Pruned:

tender skin
little toes
simple pleasures

pruned even more: (lol)

tender
little
pleasures

 

[TheDR4KE]

enchanted

Hi Enchanted, and thanks for playing

My contribution....

Original 5-7-5:

Soft, tender new skin
The wriggling of little toes
Life's simple pleasures

A lovely poem, although it doesn't have a real twist to it. It carries the joy of watching a baby wriggle it's toes wonderfully however.

Pruned:

tender skin
little toes
simple pleasures

I think losing the wriggling of the toes is a shame. This is where you need to look at what defines the moment most. Probably the tender skin isn't needed as much as the movement of the toes. We also lose the idea of the object being a baby as portrayed by the 'new' skin. Dropping the "life's" is fine though, as we're all so aware of the "simple pleasures" phrase.

pruned even more: (lol)

tender
little
pleasures

I love the play of this final pruning in context LOL

To look at the whole poem, it's about a baby wriggling it's toes and that that is one of life's little pleasures. It's not clear whether the pleasure is in watching, or in the doing ;-) That might be a good thing to use as the twist, but how ... hmm ... that's a challenge for poets.

The thing to do here is to play with the line order as well as the words you use. Break a line over two. Drop a line and see if it still works.

One example:


simple pleasures -
little toes
wriggling


Thanks again for playing,

Drake

 

[Guest]

Re: enchanted

Hi Enchanted, and thanks for playing

I love the play of this final pruning in context LOL

To look at the whole poem, it's about a baby wriggling it's toes and that that is one of life's little pleasures. It's not clear whether the pleasure is in watching, or in the doing ;-) That might be a good thing to use as the twist, but how ... hmm ... that's a challenge for poets.

The thing to do here is to play with the line order as well as the words you use. Break a line over two. Drop a line and see if it still works.

One example:


simple pleasures -
little toes
wriggling


Thanks again for playing,

Drake

Drake,

Thank you for your valued input. I wasn't really clear on what to do, but now that I see how you approached the subject matter, I understand what the exercise was all about. It wasn't so much about writing the haiku as much as it was about feeling the passion and hearing the inspiration of the writer comining across in shortened strokes - trying to capture the senses in as little time as possible. I like how you made the changes - it's much clearer and much more meaningful.

Thank you, this was lots of fun. Makes you think twice about this shortened art form, doesn't it?

Enchanted

 

[Kat-44]

haiki pruning

well it all seems kind of silly to me....but then again I am just another uneducated dummy.....lol



sitting here reading
tapping away at keyboard
life passing me by

yes i know i didn't follow any rule exceot the 5 7 5 one, but it is my silly attempt of humor.......

 

[Kat-44]

And i did a typo to boot, sorry...............

 

[Jazzy2]

katt-44

sitting here reading
tapping away at keyboard
life passing me by

only silly thing is defending your post. Why? cool read. Why pruning, to demonstrate the power of calculated word choice. concept ain't that complicated.

jazzy2

 

[justgem]

.

 

[*ladylove*]

ok I did this in the wrong order, since i posted on the other thread first lol. but then i bet your not surprised at my slight airheadedness (is that even word *shrug*) anyhow, here we go!

lightening dazzles skies
cutting spring's thunderous cries
radiance prevails

now to shorten:

lightening dazzles
cutting spring's cries
radiance prevails

perhaps once more:

lightening
cuts spring
prevailing

(is that last one right?)

this is fun!!
*lady*

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: Re: enchanted

Drake,

Thank you for your valued input. I wasn't really clear on what to do, but now that I see how you approached the subject matter, I understand what the exercise was all about. It wasn't so much about writing the haiku as much as it was about feeling the passion and hearing the inspiration of the writer comining across in shortened strokes - trying to capture the senses in as little time as possible. I like how you made the changes - it's much clearer and much more meaningful.

Thank you, this was lots of fun. Makes you think twice about this shortened art form, doesn't it?

Enchanted

Glad you enjoyed it And yes, that's exactly what it's about. Catching the inspiration in a little drop of amber.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: haiki pruning

well it all seems kind of silly to me....but then again I am just another uneducated dummy.....lol



sitting here reading
tapping away at keyboard
life passing me by


yes i know i didn't follow any rule exceot the 5 7 5 one, but it is my silly attempt of humor.......

Hi Kat

That's actually a great way to approach poetry. Play, humour, sillyness... I think that through that approach we can allow more of the creativity to flow from our soul, and some real gems come through when we don't analyse too much.

I really liked your haiku. It has a poignancy and sadness to it that's very touching. I almost don't want to prune it. Almost ;-)

Hmm ... this is actually a hard one. Sitting, Reading, Tapping, Keyboard are all such strong words building the picture up. The 'here' glues the first line together. A comma would diminish the flow. My usual first approach to play with the words won't work.

The next approach I take is to look for imagery. The season word, particularly, can come in useful here. Seasons are a great analogy for the circular nature of all life. The cycle of birth to death affects everything, and many moments can be viewed as a moment within that. Find the relevant season word, and you may be able to get others to see that point also.

Note that I'm having a go at writing here to show another approach, analogy, rather than just working with the words as I did earlier. That haiku is great in 5/7/5 and my haiku will be a new, inspired haiku, not really a pruned version.

glued to the screen
away from the seasons -
my own autumn

Now ... if you were to see your interaction online as something lifebringing, it could become something like:

friendship
through typing -
woodpeckers

Great work Kat. I really hope you'll write some more.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: This was kinda fun dr4key

petals flowering
a swelling under your tongue
dew covers the bloom

Nice erotiku, but having the flower analogy in the first and third lines takes away from the potential twist. If you could make lines one and two flowers, and the third mention the tongue, it would have more impact I think.


petals flowering
dew covers the swelling bloom -
underneath your tongue


I'm not keen on the 'underneath' word here, but it's just to illustrate the line order.

petals flower
swelling under tongue
dew now blooms

Trimming 'flowering' down that way is a nice touch. I'm not sure about the conversion of the third line though. I just can't follow the image anymore.

petals flower
swell
dew blooms

Losing the tongue means you lose the twist. This could just be about a flower or fruit or something... The pruning has snipped off a little too much ;-)

That's a good thing though! Every word that you can't go without indicates at least a concept that's necessary. Something physical that indicates oral sex has to be in there, else it won't work...

Glad you enjoyed the exercise

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

lightening dazzles skies
cutting spring's thunderous cries
radiance prevails

Ummm how many skies do you see? I also don't quite get the second line. The lightning cuts through the thunder? And is the radiance that prevails the afterimage of the lightning?

From the powerful words you used I suspect you have a really strong image in your mind that you're trying to get across, and I'm dying to get it fully!

lightening dazzles
cutting spring's cries
radiance prevails

I don't think you can take "thunderous" out here. "cries" loses its' meaning (or at least the meaning I've ascribed to it so far ;-)

lightening
cuts spring
prevailing

Taking "dazzles" out actually works quite well, but I don't get much from the remaining words...

Could you describe the scene to us? Or revise the haiku? I think this will be a great example of how hard it is to capture nature's most impressive displays in words.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

justgem's haiku collection

Just wanted to point everyone to justgem's profile, where her efforts at haiku writing and then haiku pruning are up -- in two whole collections of haiku.

Great work Gem!

Are we going to see another submission of them having grown again?

Drake

PS I'm glad you didn't post them all here -- I wouldn't get any work done at all reviewing them all. And you know how bad that is

PPS This is a copy of the post from the Haiku Growing thread

 

[justgem]

.