Feedback/Critique/Advice (AKA Help Me! ;) )
- Thread starter tolyk
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tungtied2u
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)
I hate that I know this....they're called finger cots....and are used by people who count money.
I have a very embarrassing tail about them but it will cost you a lot to get it out of me...
)Liar said:
I hate that I know this....they're called finger cots....and are used by people who count money.
I have a very embarrassing tail about them but it will cost you a lot to get it out of me...
Liar
now with 17% more class
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Feedback/Critique/Advice (AKA Help Me! )
Now, do I have something on you?
Nope. Dang.
#L
)Well, there's always the possibility of blackmail.tungtied2u said:I have a very embarrassing tail about them but it will cost you a lot to get it out of me...
Now, do I have something on you?
Nope. Dang.
#L
tolyk
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It has been a whiles, but I was reading through all this again tonight and felt I still need more opinions on it.
Here is my explanation of my poem. (Still haven't worked on it at all, so still the exact same one as in the first post)
Love's lost face
is found again. (A woman whom I've not seen for a whiles)
Crying eyes shining brightly
Come closer to mine. (She is happy and sad from our long time apart.. our faces approach one anothers)
Tender lips part
yearning
for that sweet, soft kiss,
Eternal bliss (We kiss.. eternal bliss is an overstatement that I did on purpose to express the depth of emotion felt from this kiss)
Into those eyes
again I stare, (Hadn't seen her in a long time, again I stare as I once did long ago)
vast promises
bury me deep. (The promises being about love.. her eyes telling me of her love, and they blow me over)
Love surrounds me
but I do not struggle
to escape these
loving bonds. (This one is kind of obvious.. I surrender to her love)
That is pretty much what I mean by it all, I think at least.. Now, knowing what I mean, can someone help me phrase it to more clearly express that? I feel it expresses it alright, but thats just because I know what I was feeling when I wrote it and all that.. This is why I brought it to the forum, I didn't think it would be understood the way I meant it.
Liar, your post is very informative, now that I've had time to think it all over (It only took a couple months to seep in.. )
Thanks again everyone.
Here is my explanation of my poem. (Still haven't worked on it at all, so still the exact same one as in the first post)
Love's lost face
is found again. (A woman whom I've not seen for a whiles)
Crying eyes shining brightly
Come closer to mine. (She is happy and sad from our long time apart.. our faces approach one anothers)
Tender lips part
yearning
for that sweet, soft kiss,
Eternal bliss (We kiss.. eternal bliss is an overstatement that I did on purpose to express the depth of emotion felt from this kiss)
Into those eyes
again I stare, (Hadn't seen her in a long time, again I stare as I once did long ago)
vast promises
bury me deep. (The promises being about love.. her eyes telling me of her love, and they blow me over)
Love surrounds me
but I do not struggle
to escape these
loving bonds. (This one is kind of obvious.. I surrender to her love)
That is pretty much what I mean by it all, I think at least..
Now, knowing what I mean, can someone help me phrase it to more clearly express that? I feel it expresses it alright, but thats just because I know what I was feeling when I wrote it and all that.. This is why I brought it to the forum, I didn't think it would be understood the way I meant it.Liar, your post is very informative, now that I've had time to think it all over (It only took a couple months to seep in..
)Thanks again everyone.
Last edited:
twelveoone
ground zero
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tolyk,
In between the thread highjacking, you recieved some excellent advice, some examples. I have little to add to this, except a question. These words that you use, how often have you seen them? What do you intend to add to them to make them unique, yours?
"Eternal bliss" why is it? is it really? what are other words?
"Love surrounds me" how so? does it really? what are other words?
Suggest writing out what you are talking about, picking though it, then composing.
What you have here, now, is an extended cliche.
In between the thread highjacking, you recieved some excellent advice, some examples. I have little to add to this, except a question. These words that you use, how often have you seen them? What do you intend to add to them to make them unique, yours?
"Eternal bliss" why is it? is it really? what are other words?
"Love surrounds me" how so? does it really? what are other words?
Suggest writing out what you are talking about, picking though it, then composing.
What you have here, now, is an extended cliche.
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