damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
Re: Not bad at all
Thanks Ms_Kat for your thoughts. Your comment about starting the story at the moment when the character discovers the boyfriend is a good one. It was never my intention to please the "quick jerk" readers with this story so that's not a problem.
You thoughts were definitely a big help. Thanks again.
Damp,
I think you have a very good story overall. Some of the things that have already been pointed out to you do distract a little. As far as grammar goes, I suggest writing it in Word and use the grammar check. It isn't perfect, but it does help a lot. If you need more help, pick up "The Little Brown Handbook" in just about any college bookstore or Barnes & Noble. Believe it or not, little grammar problems can become big blocks for understanding.
I agree that the beginning is a bit flat. However, it also contains a lot of good background information that you don't want to leave out. With short stories, you have to grab the reader quick (novels have a longer time to build interest). Ray Bradbury, one of my favorite authors of all time, once said that when he got stuck, he'd write the words "What do you mean by that?" Then, he'd try and explain a situation that was the basis for the story.
I think you could bring the reader in at the moment of the "big shock" when the narrator sees Nadine with "the other man". That is a very dramatic place to start. The info you have in your intro now could then be done in short flash-backs as he plans his rape. Obviously, since he hides his bag in the bushes hours before he attacks her, there is a plan. The planning could be built up a bit (though you might anger readers looking for a "quick jerk" story), which also gives you a chance to put some pyschic pain in the character. He loves her, but he is going to hurt her, but he isn't going to really hurt her, but he loves her so much he can't let her be with another, etc. I'd let these thoughts echo again when he starts the snuff scene.
It is hard to write a first-person narrative when the character is mentally unbalanced. Edgar Allen Poe did a wonderful job. Check out "The Tell-tale Heart". The narrator takes on his psychosis head-on and dismisses it because he has acute hearing. Your narrator could dismiss the visciousness of his attack because he loves her.
Those are my thoughts, and they are by no means from any sort of professional. I hope you can glean something that helps.
You have a very strong story to tell here. With a little tinkering and some work you could have a real gem.
Thanks Ms_Kat for your thoughts. Your comment about starting the story at the moment when the character discovers the boyfriend is a good one. It was never my intention to please the "quick jerk" readers with this story so that's not a problem.
You thoughts were definitely a big help. Thanks again.