Feedback on something entertaining (I hope)

[elfin_odalisque]

sr, as so often, you feel qualified to spew diatribe without reading a story. That is beneath your deity image.

Perfideous was right. The use of language is inappropriate for the story the author was trying to tell. Fine for conversation but not for advancing the plot. Even the phrase 'to victual me' fails.

I think there is a good story here confused by a slow preamble and a lot of language that puts off readers.

Read the story, you are a good editor, give some sensible comments.

 

[lovecraft68]

Well no shit sweetheart, but it takes two to fight, and you couldn't keep your pie hole shut either. You can act like you weren't fighting all you want, but its right there in black and white.

As for LC, I can't quite figure out why he gives a shit about who my friends are, or why he's so concerned about my dick size

Your av tells me your smaller than average dick size.

The next step up is a big ole ford pick up.

As for your friends? I just find it sad you follow Pilot like a puppy and leap to his defense all the time.

But like the poster they had on the wall in health class back when I was a kid said, "Dirty little pigs stick together!"

Course that poster featured three pigs playing in the mud and was about hygiene, but I find it is very fitting in other ways as well.

 

[lovecraft68]

Prolly all alcoholics.

Nah, they would make lotsa typos if they were.

I grew up around alcoholics, when my real father finally got his shit together I went for visits on the weekend(I refused to leave my foster family and a judge upheld my wishes)

He used top take me to AA meetings because he had no choice but to go. That was when they were all in the basements of churches and I used to sit and read in the little kitchen while they traded tales of woe.

All I remember is the smell of coffee, cigarettes and a lot of very very nervous people. That and those big old fashioned huge metal coffee urns.

The alchies here are just jerks.

 

[Derroreaper]

Your av tells me your smaller than average dick size.

The next step up is a big ole ford pick up.

As for your friends? I just find it sad you follow Pilot like a puppy and leap to his defense all the time.

But like the poster they had on the wall in health class back when I was a kid said, "Dirty little pigs stick together!"

Course that poster featured three pigs playing in the mud and was about hygiene, but I find it is very fitting in other ways as well.

You still haven't answered my question though, why do you care about my dick so much?

As for my friends, well Pilot isn't one of them, but not because I wouldn't be his friend, but I just don't know him. The length to which you exaggerate is pretty amazing though. You have what, about a thousand posts in the last year that are nothing but you ragging on him, and I have how many posts in total?

You know what I find sad? Remember the night you got drunk and went on and on about how Literotica wouldn't let you write a descriptive rape scene about a nine year old girl. You're one sick and twisted fucking individual.

I think I'm done with this place, you make it smell bad . . .

 

[elfin_odalisque]

God Perfideous, I'm sorry but you're an insulting byitch, you know it? You slam the shit out of people, insult them, and then you fucking whine when it gets thrown back at you.

Either suck it up, or shut the fuck up and move on already.

This is more GB than Stories Feedback. Just behave in the forum or go away. Personal attacks are total unacceptable. Either behave or go away. You add nothing.

 

[sr71plt]

Wonderful. Perfidious posts a single example sentence claiming it's purple prose and I respond that that single sentence doesn't look like purple prose to me and then this thread goes over the edge. Some folks here have got a whole lot of hate inside them.

 

[slyc_willie]

Ignoring all the acid being tossed back and forth like turn of the century snake oil salesmen lauding their own personal Brand X . . . .

I read the first chapter. Here's my singular reaction.

The disclaimer at the beginning goes a long way to setting the tone for the story. I get that this is a satirical story. What I'm a little confused on is just what is being satirized. Is it that you are going for a reversal of the typical black sheep theme, in that the son is "normal" while the rest of the family are raging perverts? Or are you spoofing the unmotivated, jump-in-the-sack-just-because mentality of a lot of badly written erotica?

That I've already been put in the mindset that this story is making fun of something helps with some of the dialogue. I like the parts about Damien doubting his own paternity, and his mother chiming in with her casual question about it. Similarly, the question about Damien's sexual orientation because he hasn't followed in his family's footsteps and begun banging any and every woman in sight.

There's a lot of good basic material in the narrative, but it's all sort of disjointed. What are you getting at? Where is the story? Yeah, I get that Damien is a romantic, that he would rather meet the girl of his dreams and fall in love as opposed to getting his wick wet, and that he disapproves of his family's sex parties. But there's a lack of direction to the story, in my opinion. It's like a jumble of rambling thoughts that pushes toward a general purpose . . . I'm just not sure what that purpose is.

All in all, the first chapter reads like a dry 80s British sitcom, like Keeping Up Appearances, just from a younger point of view. There are some hidden gems here and there, but also a lot of unpolished junk that doesn't do much for the story. I'm not saying it's bad, it just doesn't seem to have much direction. By the end of page 2, I'm still looking for a hook.

 

[Perfideous]

I read the thing again, yes both Chapters ( the second is a lot shorter) and once you get past all the how hard it was to wake up nonsense the story actually moves along at a good clip.

The parents and aunt are possessed of huge sexual appetites while our hero and his sister are positively monk like in their approach to 'it'.

For all that the key requirement; that the reader actually gives a rat's arse about the main character doesn't happen so it's all arm's length stuff for me.

I think you make a huge mistake writing the intro as you have and overall the hero simply comes across as precocious and more than a little self centered.

You have to decide whether you are writing a story to indulge yourself or one ordinary readers will enjoy. Its your story so it's your call.

 

[LaRascasse]

Ignoring all the acid being tossed back and forth like turn of the century snake oil salesmen lauding their own personal Brand X . . . .

I read the first chapter. Here's my singular reaction.

The disclaimer at the beginning goes a long way to setting the tone for the story. I get that this is a satirical story. What I'm a little confused on is just what is being satirized. Is it that you are going for a reversal of the typical black sheep theme, in that the son is "normal" while the rest of the family are raging perverts? Or are you spoofing the unmotivated, jump-in-the-sack-just-because mentality of a lot of badly written erotica?

That I've already been put in the mindset that this story is making fun of something helps with some of the dialogue. I like the parts about Damien doubting his own paternity, and his mother chiming in with her casual question about it. Similarly, the question about Damien's sexual orientation because he hasn't followed in his family's footsteps and begun banging any and every woman in sight.

There's a lot of good basic material in the narrative, but it's all sort of disjointed. What are you getting at? Where is the story? Yeah, I get that Damien is a romantic, that he would rather meet the girl of his dreams and fall in love as opposed to getting his wick wet, and that he disapproves of his family's sex parties. But there's a lack of direction to the story, in my opinion. It's like a jumble of rambling thoughts that pushes toward a general purpose . . . I'm just not sure what that purpose is.

All in all, the first chapter reads like a dry 80s British sitcom, like Keeping Up Appearances, just from a younger point of view. There are some hidden gems here and there, but also a lot of unpolished junk that doesn't do much for the story. I'm not saying it's bad, it just doesn't seem to have much direction. By the end of page 2, I'm still looking for a hook.

It is a satire based on a reversal of the usual "black sheep" scenario (hence the title), but another aim is writing an allegory for a normal guy growing up in the sexually explicit 21st century.

The story is eventually about Damien and his search for "love". I wanted to write it episodically, like a sitcom rather than one long narrative.

 

[LadyVer]

It is a satire based on a reversal of the usual "black sheep" scenario (hence the title), but another aim is writing an allegory for a normal guy growing up in the sexually explicit 21st century.

The story is eventually about Damien and his search for "love". I wanted to write it episodically, like a sitcom rather than one long narrative.

I thought the chapters were brilliant. Glad I caught your thread!

 

[slyc_willie]

It is a satire based on a reversal of the usual "black sheep" scenario (hence the title), but another aim is writing an allegory for a normal guy growing up in the sexually explicit 21st century.

The story is eventually about Damien and his search for "love". I wanted to write it episodically, like a sitcom rather than one long narrative.

With that in mind, I'd say you're accomplishing what you want. Like I posted above, you have some gems in your prose, and Damien's character is pretty well defined. Not so much for the rest of the family, although Lucy at the end of the first chapter is a little more fleshed out than the parents. I'm assuming that was done on purpose.

All in all, I liked the writing. If I have time, I'll get around to Chapter 2.

 

[LaRascasse]

Submitted ch3, hope it comes up soon.