Feedback request

[lovecraft68]

I'm torn on the dialogue issue. I made my point to highlight the issue rather than to insist that it should have been done differently. I think writers should be free to make artistic choices that take risks. I'd say this is a risky approach but it does give the story a distinctive flavor that would be absent if dialogue was handled in the normal way.

As someone who relies heavily on dialogue over internal thoughts or long stretches of narration in my work, normally stories that lack it don't appeal to me.

I think this one worked because of the set up and how short it was. At some point its going to be necessary because the MC will need to, and the reader will want to, know a bit about this guy, but for an intro to him, I feel the air of mystery worked along with he's so charismatic he didn't need to talk.

 

[ElectricBlue]

This is the sign of good writing to me - when a bunch of pretty fair writers (in their own minds and occasionally in the minds of others ) get stuck into a friendly discussion about a whole bunch things, from style to character and the splices in between, also what BDSM is or isn't.

As I said, Katia, no pressure. Don't fuck up, now .

 

[lovecraft68]

This is the sign of good writing to me - when a bunch of pretty fair writers (in their own minds and occasionally in the minds of others ) get stuck into a friendly discussion about a whole bunch things, from style to character and the splices in between, also what BDSM is or isn't.

As I said, Katia, no pressure. Don't fuck up, now .

Yeah, save the fucking up to us pros, we've been doing it for years and we're damn good at it.

 

[yukonnights]

Thank you all for your comments and feedback on my little story, I hadn't expected such a considered and thoughtful response.

It was actually written for an old friend which is why I popped in the 'dear reader' parts. I can see how that would be annoying, so I will stop that forthwith! I will ensure I write for a wider audience.

I am gratified to know that it has caught people's attention and is a little bit different from the norm. Don't get me wrong I like a procedural story as much as the next woman, with lots of close up descriptions of lovely kinky sex. This ended up being quite different to that. The female MC just took the bloody story and ran with it, she's a feisty one and she didn't let me get a word in edgewise lol.

I think it would be interesting to write the story from his point of view at some point, we get to know a lot about her but he remains Mr Mysterioso so far.

The whole knocking her head against the car was probably a mistake, but at the time I wanted to show his frustration with her. She's challenged him in ways he hadn't been challenged for years, but she and the reader don't know that. Holding her firmly in place may have been better, but I wanted a tiny crack in his laconic exterior. She affects him as much as he affects her - I wanted a way of showing that without actually coming out and saying it.

The story was rejected for long paragraphs, I do go on a bit, don't I? Lol.

I did contact a couple of volunteer editors but didn't hear anything back, then grew impatient and just submitted it. I know I'm far from technically perfect and my punctuation is crap. I need help with that. I'd be glad to send the next part out for proofing (once I've finished writing it!).

At the beginning it was intended for an audience of one who doesn't actually know the BDSM side of me. It's sort of a gentle introduction for him. He loved it. It was only after it was finished that I thought of submitting it on Lit.

It was intended to be subtle, I didn't want to frighten him off - we've known each other 30 years and this is the first overt inkling he's had of my true nature. Poor bloke wasn't expecting that!

The Stranger probably does carry a full kit in his car, complete with all the paraphernalia that any Dom/me could want, but to me the use of a fragile cotton thread is sometimes more erotic than handcuffs.

Thank you for reading and for taking the time to respond to me, it really does mean a lot.

Sometimes so much feedback can get a bit overwhelming. I think the first thing to keep in mind is the number of folks who were so impressed with the way you wrote it.

In regard to making any major changes in regard to the style you've used; I will just say that for me, the thing that impressed and captured me was the style as much as the story. It was like we were all that friend you wrote it to — you were quietly telling it to us; the 'dear reader'.

In my opinion, to take that and try to incorporate a lot of dialogue would lessen the impact. It read like an old time TV show; This is the city … a million stories, and me an my partner are gonna solve every one. So all you smucks out there, stick with us and we'll show you how it's done.

Personally, I'd be very skeptical about changing the style in the next parts from that presented in part 1. To change her voice midstream would be disruptive to the whole.

In regard to getting to know more about The Stranger; I have seen other authors write the same basic story in the other main character's POV. Also, one could write alternating chapters if that would be of interest.

The scene at the car did not come off as too much. I think it did just what you said you wanted it to do — show another side of him.

Anyway, congratulation on a good story. Remember, most of these comments are praising the story. Try not to get too focused on how you now need to change what you're doing.

 

[lovecraft68]

This is the city … a million stories, and me an my partner are gonna solve every one. So all you smucks out there, stick with us and we'll show you how it's done.

Hmm....BDSM Noir....I need to try it.

 

[Emirus]

I think the first thing to keep in mind is the number of folks who were so impressed with the way you wrote it.

It read like an old time TV show; This is the city … a million stories, and me an my partner are gonna solve every one. So all you smucks out there, stick with us and we'll show you how it's done.
.

I agree entirely with yukonknights regarding the first thing you should bear in mind are the number of people who liked the way you wrote your story. That doesn’t happen often.

As for the old time tv show (following on from the Naked City film) I always liked the idea of Humphrey Bogart saying the immortal line “there are eight million stories in the naked city, this has been one of them,” although he never did. Eight million is still true.