Comentarista82
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2014
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I read it and found much of the same as comment board posters did, although I read those after I read the story.
Sometimes I comment generally and sometimes I give author's examples with my comments. I've mixed the above two approaches to follow. But first, the general assessment.
On the whole, you have a LOT more positives weighing in your favor than negatives: it appears your character development is good; timing and progression seem to fit the story--and the story isn't too short nor too long; you show the maturing process for all the characters primarily involved--Jared, Michelle & Chris--to the point when Chris and Jared meet toward the end, they're changing their minds and acting on that. Humor seemed appropriate and your funniest part was Chris antagonizing the telemarketer sexually. When we end the story, we aren't thinking Chris was a wham-bam guy and Michelle was a child that couldn't decide what she wanted.
Biggest things to improve upon: eliminate redundancies and move some expository paragraphs to where they fit. I felt the flow improved dramatically from pages 6-8 while certainly 1-3 dragged and I explain that because repeating certain words and having the "backstory" split forced my brain to assemble the distant and disparate pieces. It may be that feeling that sticks with readers (as it stuck with me) because several commented on the same repetition/redundancy issue that hindered the natural flow. Even how the story began felt puerile and certainly unpolished. So now, I'll list the specifics for whatever way they can assist you in polishing this.
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“Comforting My Little Sister”
I knew Michelle was upset by the way she had addressed me. Normally, she used my full first name Christopher and said it in a way that mocked the pretentiousness of using such a long first name. It was a little joke between us. When I had been old enough to understand what pretentiousness was, I had switched to using Chris. Only family called me Christopher.
--Immediately replace “pretentiousness” with a pronoun, thus “When I had been old enough to understand what *it* was…
From the way Michelle had asked, she had sounded in pain. Taking her to work would be a hassle, but I felt I couldn't tell her no.
--You established she’s in pain, so eliminate or restate if you think it’s absolutely needed.
After a while, Michelle said, "The back strokes feel so good. Can I borrow a pillow?"
--She already said, “that feels nice,” so eliminate. These may be indicative samples of what another poster called “redundancy.”
"He slapped me."
"Holy shit, Michelle. He slapped you? What an asshole! Do you want me to teach him a lesson?"
"Calm down. All I want you to do is listen."
"You could press charges..."
This confused me; it’s a leap for a character to want to “teach him a lesson” for one slap, then she tells him to listen and he continues to now want to turn him in to the police? My mind asked “why did he slap you?” or “what precipitated the slap?” You do explain this later, however and so I would move up the explanation about Jared’s abuse under that, then that prefaces her brother’s reaction to want to “hunt Jared down” or “press charges.”
When Michelle says, “Support me in dealing with him in the way I think is best” by wanting to talk to Jared--established as a harasser and abusive/controlling, that’s going to alarm many readers.
Consolidate Jared’s description when we first learn of him being a bouncer, as seeing it later makes us wonder why we weren’t already told.
When we got to the library, Michelle said, "Don't do anything stupid. Don't get in a fight with him. Don't even call him a name."
--Michelle’s annoying now.
He yelled back from the family room, "I'm doing nothing wrong."
Jared entering without permission would likely still be considered B&E many places. Have him dial immediately after the first warning, because it makes him appear very weak.
--Now Chris convincing Michelle she’s pretty and getting instant validation the next day is a nice and plausible touch; the fact she recognizes the abuse and leaves raises the estimation of her character, too.
"Okay. I decided to check Facebook for the first time in a while. I was curious to see how Jared's friends were reacting to our breaking up. They were all supportive of Jared, telling him it was great that he had finally dumped the stupid bitch.
--Very typical and realistic: good idea to use what is very real-life example--especially to show Jared’s friends as abusers too. This also builds sympathy.
"Tits aren't everything." I shook my head. "If I had a magic wand and could give Gina your body, I would."
--Must be one of your bits of humor. It did make me laugh, because I immediately pictured Gina murdering him if she discovered he did it!
"Well, I did talk to my manager on Wednesday like you suggested and we did come up with a plan.”
--Reasonably done and it concluded with some humor. Nice touch.
“Then Gina dumped me.”
--Gina’s reason appears thin; just because she has a better time talking to a guy she dumps him? I would have said include something about the way he kissed and him being much better in bed and include some description but it wouldn’t have to go overboard.
--You provide a reasonable time period for Chris and Michelle to grow closer and several of the events you include add to this.
“I didn't go to Gina's work after closing up.”
--He already broke up with her, so mentioning this can become a head-scratcher.
“Why did Michelle want me to feel her up?”
--She already explained why but what confuses me is Chris said he did/said those things to help her feel better. It’s a plus he’s examining his attraction to her and why, expressing the reluctance of moving ahead...so move on and develop the relationship more without overanalyzing.
"How much does Michelle miss me?"
"Miss you?" Time for some revenge on the asshole. "She doesn't miss you at all. I can't think of the last time she mentioned you."
That pissed him off.
--You used short sentences well here to increase the emotive impact. Great!
--Now, if Chris really wanted to exact revenge on Jared, he could have taken the 74 pics to the police as harassment. Why? You state Chris wanted revenge and did so by poking Jared verbally. Why not really lower the boom on him with this proof? He didn’t solicit the pics and had a history of harassing Michelle, so why not nail him? This contradicts the character’s position.
In the morning when we woke up, I checked in with Michelle. "You still feeling okay about what I did last night? I didn't push things too far?"
--Good “recrimination” check. Feels natural in this progression.
"I'd like...I'd like to do another frigid check."
--I like she gives him permission, as Chris seems quite clueless with her. At the same time, some may think he should know what pleases her and not ask permission for everything he’s certain about because it’s established she likes all the things he’s done so far.
"That Jared would send them to some website to publish. That guys all around the world would then jack off to pictures of me.”
--Very reasonable and we understand why she exploded with Chris.
--Michelle grows as a character because she’s comfortable enough with Chris to explain each picture. That’s normally VERY private and generally only a very self-assured person would do this.
--I did find Chris speaking sexually to the telemarketer funny!
“We need to get back to making you cum."
--Michelle thinking of his release proves touching. When explained about Jared and the “love trials,” how you placed that explanation fit well in the story and with her and Chris’s relationship.
--Chris bargaining with Jared on the videos portray Chris as suddenly savvy. The haggling appears plausible and you provide Michelle closure. Good execution and nice touch with Chris helping Jared afterwards.
--She communicates well with Chris about what she likes during sex. Good idea.
