Feedback required on my first story

[SimonDoom]

Okay, so first off I agree about trying to be positive and supportive for someone new.

But...what if a story-not saying it of this one, I didn't read it-literally has no merit, its just awful, like WTF? I have found those here. At that point does going out of your way to find something to build on border on false hope?

Just curious what you think.

I've read plenty of stories I feel that way about. Here's what I would say.

First, scale back how much you're going to say. Pick one thing to criticize, or two. People can handle only so much negativism.

Avoid saying "This isn't my cup of tea" or "I don't find this subject matter erotic." If that's how you feel, you shouldn't be commenting at all. Comment on a story that you don't feel that way about.

Then, try to put it as constructively as you can. Frame it in terms of what the author seems to be trying to do, and then explain how it could be done differently for better effect. As a critic you should be opening a door and showing them a path forward rather than shutting the door in their face.

To be honest I think I violate this rule plenty of times with my criticism, but that's what I try to do.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

Congratulations on your first published story!

This was a nice, quick read, and although the removal of Sally’s jeans during her sleep (on the backseat of a commuter bus no less) seemed disjoint and contrived, the rest of the story was a fairly believable rendezvous. I thought the setup was universally understood—waiting for an air conditioned option during the summer; trying to eek out the last few minutes of sleep during a workday commute; the slight and unexpected sexual thrill resulting from the randomness of a hot stranger choosing to sit beside you—and could occur in the metropolis of any major city.

I saw that you have Anonymous feedback advising you to take your time with editing and re-reading before submitting; I strongly second that advice. You have quite a few, easily correctable grammatical errors that stand out. You have a few run-on sentences and some of them are actually incomplete sentences: for example, and from the very first paragraph, “Moreover, my hectic office hours were taking a toll on me, coupled with the fact that I was a newbie, I had to go the extra mile to prove myself.“

And you have a number of dangling modifiers, incorrect prepositions and prepositional phrases; as Belle alluded to, the repetitive nature of those kind of errors suggest that English may not be your first language. If that’s the case, I’m extremely impressed with your skill (it’s very difficult to write fiction in one’s non-native language!) but it’s still important that you carefully proofread your writing and correct grammar mistakes. If you visit the Editor’s Forum, you may find an editor who’s able to help you with this.

Finally, and while I highly concur with AwkwardMD, GroverLang and SimonDoom about her approach, nonetheless, as Jada59 pointed out, a physique is a “build” rather than a “built” and descriptive shorthand like “ac” should be capitalized so the reader understands it’s an acronym. While these observations may seem like minor nitpicking when isolated for a feedback comment, in the context of your story, they’re somewhat jarring—particularly because the story is so short and it’s erotic content so very subtle. However, these issues are not showstoppers, and in future stories, you can likely eradicate all errors with careful proofreading.

Hope this is helpful!

 

[lovecraft68]

It wasn’t about her making a typo in her comment. It was you calling me a tool because you couldn’t understand something because presumably you hadn’t read it properly.

I’m supposed to be sucking up to MD because I agreed with her? In that case I’ve sucked up to many people on here. Including yourself. I may compliment someone on what they’ve written but never would I suck up to anyone. What’s the point on a site like this?

I thought when KeithD was having a go at you the other day he was wrong but perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps you’re not such a good person as I thought you were.

KeithD had been having a go at me for 10 years. I'm the itch he can't scratch, and since I outed him for fluffing his own stories by commenting on them with his alts, and others added more they took the time to find, he's pretty much toothless in my mind, and I have him on ignore which serves to piss him off more.

As for you...

First my comments in other threads about picking on grammar were on two threads started by people-both non authors-who started a thread to gripe about shoddy grammar all over the site. The site they pay nothing to read and enjoy but get indignant the free contents isn't NYT best sellers worthy.

In this case, the OP is an author who put up a story asking for feedback. He's now fair game for anything good bad or indifferent and if someone wants to call out typos/grammar or anything else, it was invited. So if Jada feels compelled to point that out, that's her feedback.

Now that I have needlessly explained the difference here...

You have created a alt here to critique and pick apart other people's works while hiding yours under another pen name. You do that because you want to dish it out, but not let anyone take a peek at your work and see what you're about.

Why? Because oh no, you might get a one bomb or a snotty comment(that you can remove) or because you don't want anyone reading your work and coming back here with a list of nitpicks on your work saying who are you to talk?

Every person looking for feedback here is opening themselves up to the good and bad. Every author here that provides feedback or gets into the discussions either has a link in their signature or you can just go and find their stories because they(including me) post under our name.

Meaning we all run the risk of being bombed or trolled or having someone say "Jeez, you're telling me I need work? Take a look in the mirror."

Everyone except you.

You'll have to excuse me if I don't take you too seriously at this point.

 

[GroverLang]

1. In this case, the OP is an author who put up a story asking for feedback. He's now fair game for anything good bad or indifferent and if someone wants to call out typos/grammar or anything else, it was invited. So if Jada feels compelled to point that out, that's her feedback.
2. You have created a alt here to critique and pick apart other people's works while hiding yours under another pen name.
3. You do that because you want to dish it out, but not let anyone take a peek at your work and see what you're about.

4. Why? Because oh no, you might get a one bomb or a snotty comment(that you can remove) or because you don't want anyone reading your work and coming back here with a list of nitpicks on your work saying who are you to talk?

5. Every person looking for feedback here is opening themselves up to the good and bad. Every author here that provides feedback or gets into the discussions either has a link in their signature or you can just go and find their stories because they(including me) post under our name.

6. Meaning we all run the risk of being bombed or trolled or having someone say "Jeez, you're telling me I need work? Take a look in the mirror."

7. Everyone except you.

8. You'll have to excuse me if I don't take you too seriously at this point.

Quite a lot to deal with there but I’ll try to do so in order to make it easier to follow.

1. I have asked for feedback on several stories under the name I use for writing.
2. I comment using both names and over 95% of my comments, using whichever name, are complimentary. Including some about you.
3. Wrong and you have no idea why you are so wrong.
4. Wrong.
5. As I’ve already stated I’ve asked for feedback on several of my stories because although, in the main, I’m happy with the response to my stories I still want to improve.
6. I’ve encountered my fair share of trolls but they are what they are and as you will never discover who they are, although they are a pain and annoying, there’s no point in being concerned about them.
7. No
8. That’s up to you. I seem to have got under your skin but just remember you began this silly fight of insults for no reason, except a desire to hang on to BadEgg’s coat tails, and calling me a tool. Which was uncalled for.

 

[Bad_Egg]

Shut up, Bebop3

Quite a lot to deal with there but I’ll try to do so in order to make it easier to follow.

1. I have asked for feedback on several stories under the name I use for writing.
2. I comment using both names and over 95% of my comments, using whichever name, are complimentary. Including some about you.
3. Wrong and you have no idea why you are so wrong.
4. Wrong.
5. As I’ve already stated I’ve asked for feedback on several of my stories because although, in the main, I’m happy with the response to my stories I still want to improve.
6. I’ve encountered my fair share of trolls but they are what they are and as you will never discover who they are, although they are a pain and annoying, there’s no point in being concerned about them.
7. No
8. That’s up to you. I seem to have got under your skin but just remember you began this silly fight of insults for no reason, except a desire to hang on to BadEgg’s coat tails, and calling me a tool. Which was uncalled for.

 

[darwin123]

Congratulations on your first published story!

This was a nice, quick read, and although the removal of Sally’s jeans during her sleep (on the backseat of a commuter bus no less) seemed disjoint and contrived, the rest of the story was a fairly believable rendezvous. I thought the setup was universally understood—waiting for an air conditioned option during the summer; trying to eek out the last few minutes of sleep during a workday commute; the slight and unexpected sexual thrill resulting from the randomness of a hot stranger choosing to sit beside you—and could occur in the metropolis of any major city.

I saw that you have Anonymous feedback advising you to take your time with editing and re-reading before submitting; I strongly second that advice. You have quite a few, easily correctable grammatical errors that stand out. You have a few run-on sentences and some of them are actually incomplete sentences: for example, and from the very first paragraph, “Moreover, my hectic office hours were taking a toll on me, coupled with the fact that I was a newbie, I had to go the extra mile to prove myself.“

And you have a number of dangling modifiers, incorrect prepositions and prepositional phrases; as Belle alluded to, the repetitive nature of those kind of errors suggest that English may not be your first language. If that’s the case, I’m extremely impressed with your skill (it’s very difficult to write fiction in one’s non-native language!) but it’s still important that you carefully proofread your writing and correct grammar mistakes. If you visit the Editor’s Forum, you may find an editor who’s able to help you with this.

Finally, and while I highly concur with AwkwardMD, GroverLang and SimonDoom about her approach, nonetheless, as Jada59 pointed out, a physique is a “build” rather than a “built” and descriptive shorthand like “ac” should be capitalized so the reader understands it’s an acronym. While these observations may seem like minor nitpicking when isolated for a feedback comment, in the context of your story, they’re somewhat jarring—particularly because the story is so short and it’s erotic content so very subtle. However, these issues are not showstoppers, and in future stories, you can likely eradicate all errors with careful proofreading.

Hope this is helpful!

Thanks VixGiovanni. I will work on all the parameters that you have mentioned so constructively in your review. This is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for. I know that I have a long way to go, but at least I have a better sense of direction now