Feedback wanted please.

[Maria_McGeorge]

Something that leaps out to me right away is that you need better command of understanding sentence fragments, complete sentences, and the use of commas and semicolons. I found this to be distracting.

This is fascinating to me. As I'm sure is very clear to anyone reading this thread, I am far from expert in punctuation or grammar. I relied on Grammarly Premium for this story, using it instead of the editor I use for my non-erotic works.

I'm very tempted to send some of your comments to them, its been a great real world test.

I'll certainly be using an editor in future, luckily one has already contacted me through PM.

 

[SimonDoom]

This is fascinating to me. As I'm sure is very clear to anyone reading this thread, I am far from expert in punctuation or grammar. I relied on Grammarly Premium for this story, using it instead of the editor I use for my non-erotic works.

I'm very tempted to send some of your comments to them, its been a great real world test.

I'll certainly be using an editor in future, luckily one has already contacted me through PM.

Most of us could be better than we are when it comes to grammar and punctuation. But this rule is not that complicated if one pays attention. You need to ask yourself, as you write, whether the clause can stand alone as a sentence. If it can, it can't be joined with another sentence by a comma alone.

Some examples:

"But it had happened, the once ruined rooms, were no more, replaced with new plush modern spaces made to look historic."

"I'd awoken aroused, it had been a whole month since my on-off boyfriend had last contacted me. "

"My mind began wondering, I imagined it was a hundred and twenty years earlier. "

In all three of these cases you combined independent clauses erroneously with a comma. They should be separate sentences, or they should be joined by a semicolon, not a comma.

A good rule of thumb is to keep things simple. Shorten your sentences. Insert periods. You don't have to follow this rule slavishly but you'll do well if it's your default rule.

 

[ElectricBlue]

As I said, I welcome all comments on my writing, anyone taking the time to read and then comment on a story should be listened too. After all, isn't time our most valuable commodity?

This thread has already been far more useful than any of the feedback I've had so far, I''m glad I was brave enough to post my story up.

That's because you did the unusual thing and posted in the Feedback Forum, where you specifically asked for detailed feedback. The denizens of this forum are fellow writers who can be very generous with their time, and are comfortable enough in their own opinions to eviscerate your writing if they're in a bad mood, or praise it wonderfully if they're feeling kind. Writerly feedback through Story Comments is generally not as detailed, often given by grammar Nazis who are pedantic but more often than not, spectacularly and amusingly wrong themselves.

For every opinion here that gushes, the next will be the opposite, and that's why this forum can be quite brilliant but alarming at the same time.

My reaction, whilst I'm here, was confusion caused by your "now" persona (with A levels and a big country house) narrating as if she herself was in the nineteenth century along with her fantasy entourage (which made both timeframes seem like pastiche to me); and the relentless "telling" me what was going on. As MD noted, trust yourself and trust your readers - you don't need to spoonfeed them (well, some want to be spoonfed every detail from the start, but at least you resisted her bra size - but only just, i think).

My other feeling is that you might be over-relying on grammarly - it's a business writing tool, not a fiction writing tool; and on top of that, erotica is a different type of fiction writing where different rules can apply, because one of the things you're doing, is trying to turn someone on (at least, one assumes you are, publishing here) - so repetition, pace, timing, trigger words etc. all become important.

I came away from your story thinking, she's not found her own style yet, and I also felt (you said it yourself in your OP) that you have edited the life out of this story - I couldn't find its "heart." It would be interesting to compare your raw text with your polished version.

But, keep writing. Your tenth story will be so much better - by that time, you'll have found your own voice, you'll be on top of the technical stuff (you'll probably have thrown grammarly away), and you'll have done your apprenticeship. Then you can start writing .

 

[Maria_McGeorge]

and I also felt (you said it yourself in your OP) that you have edited the life out of this story - I couldn't find its "heart." It would be interesting to compare your raw text with your polished version.

I really did wonder about that. It's very hard to tell if I was making the writing punchy or stealing it's character.