first experiences

[James Blandings]

I've always been one to think of those little "warning bells" as being potential life-savers. If you do not feel comfortable, it doens't matter how many Doms are telling you that you need now need "hands on" experience. Obviously, either the time is not right, or it is not the right person.

I was fortunate. I more or less stumbled into my first experience/relationship. Both of us had known each other for quite some time, and we simply began to explore. We already knew each other's limitations and how far to push before going too far. But, now I see how lucky I was.

I've met a number of men in the past few months - some claim to be Dom, others claim they want to know more about the lifestyle. I think it's important, at least for the first couple of meetings, to sort of absent your emotions from the situation. Really look at the other person, ask lots of questions, and take into account how they treat you and what they say to you.

For example. I met a man who admitted he had never been involved in the lifestyle. He asked if I would help him learn. Yeah. A sub teach a Dom? He didn't get the irony of that, first of all. Then we discussed things that were off limits. He was agreeing with all that I said - until I mentioned beastiality. It's an absolute "no" for me. Period. End of story. He quickly grabbed my hands and started telling me that maybe it was something I shouldn't write off so soon, and if I could put that in the "maybe" pile. Right then, I knew this guy wasn't going to work for me. He has no idea of how to respect limits that I've already set in stone.

A lot of men who are not "true" Doms feel they need to be controlling and domineering to fit the picture. That isn't so. I've found most Doms to be good listeners, and men who pick up on little things, even things that aren't specifically stated.

If a man pushes you to try something you don't feel you are ready for, especially in an area that involves absolute trust, run! Some one else will come along who you are better suited to be with, IMO.

I agree with almost every word of your post, except for one thing. I have known of a number of situations where an experienced submissive mentored a novice dominant. Other than that, your advice is very admirable.

 

[fallon2]

Communication

Lots and lots of communicatiion is one of the keys to ANY relationship. If a warning bell goes off . . . answer it! Don't rush into ANY relationship. Think before you leap . . . and write to your Master of three months. He will be honest with you. Good Luck!

 

[SierraMoon]

Thanks to everyone for their responses, and for caring.. unfortunately, i haven't been able to speak with the Master about this yet, as one of my good friends died Monday night of a massive heart attack at the age of 35. So, i've been very busy helping his gf with the arrangements, and have been staying with her, for moral support (for both of us). I just wanted to let everyone know that i appreciate you all so much. Take care, and i will be checking back here when i can.. as soon as the madness is over. Thanks again.. sierra

 

[James Blandings]

Sierra, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. If I can be of assistance in any way, please let me know.

 

[SierraMoon]

Sierra, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. If I can be of assistance in any way, please let me know.

Thank You, James, for your offer of assistance... unfortunately, i don't believe there is anything anyone can do. It's going to take time to get over this, and realize he is not coming back to us. The generosity and sympathy of this board continues to overwhelm me. Never have i met such understanding and compassionate people. Thanks again.... sierra

 

[BBD]

Re: please totally ignore EVERYTHING i've posted to you so far about this

Please listen:

If you've just met a Dominant - and online to boot
~and~
he knows you're completely new to this
~and~
he's pushing you to come play NOW
~then~
in my book, he's a pretender.

No self-respecting Dominant worth the spit it takes to say the word aloud would think of pushing someone like you into playing now.

He's probably just in it it for the kinky sex. There are many such "Masters" out there who look for women exactly like you, sierra, to grab and use and then discard.

That is NOT the way it's done in real BDSM relationships.
That's the opposite of what we want from our partners.

That's it.

Bottom line.

Over and done.

Go tell your three-month Master about this and see what he says.






I'm fucking outraged right now.

I wanted to repeat this because it makes perfect sense to me.

My condolences on your loss, Sierra.

 

[SierraMoon]

Re: Re: please totally ignore EVERYTHING i've posted to you so far about this

My condolences on your loss, Sierra.

Thank you BBD, for caring.. i am doing much better now, and my friend is coping the best she can. Such a shock when something like that happens to someone so young and vibrant.

About the Dom that i mentioned earlier in my posts, i have continued talking to him, and he still offers to teach me about "playing", but has backed off with the commands.. thank goodness. I think he's realized he pushed too far, too fast, and is trying to back track and make it up to me. Again, thanks all who have responded to my posts on this subject. I'm so lucky to have all of you watching out for my best interests!! hugs to all... sierra

 

[Bamarose]

Myself? I would like to experiment. The times a man has been dominant in bed were very exciting for me and I wished for more. They just weren't into that particular aspect.

My problem with experimentation (to be sure it's the thing for me) is that I can't just jump into bed with someone. If I were to have a "session", it would have to be with someone I cared about. But I have yet to find that someone. When you really think about it, I don't know about others, but I get a bit concerned that my limits wouldn't be respected. You also have the looks from the people that you talk to about it, as few as they may be. Taking into consideration the fact that I can be a bit shy at times on top of those things, yes it is a bit scary.

 

[cymbidia]

It seems to me, Bamarose, that you're already doing a good job of identifying what your issues are. Once you do that, figure out how to deal with them, and define for yourself what your limits and needs are then you're ready to move into the active phase of BDSM experimentation.

Originally posted by Bamarose
If I were to have a "session", it would have to be with someone I cared about. But I have yet to find that someone.

One doesn't often have a "session" with someone before they know (1) what they as a sub or Dom/me need, want, and fear from that session and (2) have a reason to trust (honestly and fully) that the other person will meet thier needs.

You cannot just hop into bed with any ole someone and have great BDSM sex, darlin', as doubtless you know. You can hop into bed with any ole someone and have good kinky sex, that's true, but actual BDSM sexuality is as much a thing of brains and hearts and emotions and shared goals as it is of bodies, and maybe even moreso.

Use this time when you don't have the right partner to begin and refine your ideas of what *you* need and want in a relationship of power imbalances. Read. Search out stuff that intrigues and excites you and learn what it's called and how it's done. Talk to us. Look at "dirty" pics to see what arouses you and what frightens you. Fill out one of the many online assessment forms (this one has *everything*: http://www.ds-haven.com/choosechecklist.html) as a way you can begin to quantify your desires. Ask us if there's something in them (and there will be) that you don't have a clue about.

If you don't have the right partner, then you don't have the right partner. It doesn't mean you should be standing still waiting for him to appear, though. Use this time to begin to realign your thinking so that when the perfect-for-you partner magically appears in your life, you'll understand what *you* need in a BDSM relationship and, so, you'll be ready to begin it.

It all comes from you.

When you really think about it, I don't know about others, but I get a bit concerned that my limits wouldn't be respected.

Blanket statement time: If you took any ten long-term BDSM couples from anywhere in the known universe and sat them down on a couch with any ten nilla couples from the same places in the universe, i would bet you anything i have to bet that there would be more genuine respect and honesty flowing between the BDSM partners than through those nilla folks.

Respect and honesty are what we are made of, we who do this with others like ourselves. Almost all of us are eminently honorable people, too. Who in thier right mind would let a dishonorable person tie her up, blindfold her, and whip her with leather straps if she wasn't absolutely sure that her partner would not only respect her limits (limits he would know in GREAT detail long before they began to play) but quite probably be more concerned for her well-being than she was herself?

I give you this as an absolute: a real BDSM dominant, when you finally find one who suits your needs, will not disregard your limits.

You also have the looks from the people that you talk to about it, as few as they may be.

So what! Who cares! Are they gonna be in the room with you and your partner when you're doing anything really hot and kinky? Who cares what other people think. As long as they don't come after us with pitchforks and lawbooks, who cares about some funny looks.

If it really bothers you, don't tell anyone.

I can be a bit shy at times

Most of us have shy moments here and there, and some of us have longer intervals than mere moments, i know.

Think of it this way, if you can: by being shy and not saying what you feel, need, desire, hate, ache for, etc, you're not being fair to your partner. Is that Dominant a mind reader? Can s/he tell by looking at you if you need a spanking or some cuddling or want some really rough sex? No. No one can read minds, Bamarose, not really. Some of the things we do with our partners have the potential to be kinda risky. You owe your Dominant partner your truth, in words, all the time, so s/he can keep you safe. If you deny them those words, then you're risking hurt to both of you, both physical and emotional (cuz it really hurts Dom/mes to fuck up and hurt us in a bad-pain way).

You owe your Dominant your truth, out loud and clear.
That's the bottom line.
D - not a bad BDSM pun!)

 

[DRxBlue]

Ooo...that's so good it HURTS

gods! it's nice to have you back, cym. You're the gold standard.

Blue

 

[Richard49]

cyn

cyn

as always great responds !!!!

I hope to always find and read your posts.

and no they are not the same bays

Richard

 

[Bamarose]

Thanks Cym. I think I'll go check out that link now

 

[Wizard]

Dusting this thread off to see if anyone wishes to add to it............

 

[JupitersGirl]

Excellent read, Wizard! Thanks for the bump.
While I can't add to it, I can certainly benefit from it!

 

[MissTaken]

Lately, every experience feels like a first experience.

 

[Wizard]

Lately, every experience feels like a first experience.

LOL Well do tell.............We are all ears.........

 

[MissTaken]

LOL Well do tell.............We are all ears.........

So much to tell , so little time.

 

[raining_girl]

People here have given me good advice, and I feel I should return the favour. (1) to say that it is good advice, not just internet ramblings, and (2) because as a bdsm newbie I know exactly how scary & weird this shit is.

It's pretty scary. And weird.


I can only offer my own experience. Which is to say that....

After much thought, and much reading, and much lurking on bdsm boards, I decided I had met the man that I was going to allow to whip me. Well. He's done an awful lot more than that. Details later everybody <laughing>. But I weeded him out from a much wider range of choices. Many of them, after one email, wanted to handcuff me, and come on me, and beat me, and humiliate me.

No.

I say, before I let you make me cry with shame, prove to me I can trust you. And everyone else must, MUST, say the same. If they want it all - right now - then they don't have the restraint to be a good Dom/me. At the end of the day, you are going to allow this person to do anything they want to you. Be sure you believe in them before you let them take over.

Then let them take over. You will, I promise, surprise yourself.


If you aren't, then trust your instincts. If it walks like a nutter and talks like a nutter, then if probably is a nutter.

Just my two pence worth.

R.

 

[MissTaken]

I can only offer my own experience. Which is to say that....

I say, before I let you make me cry with shame, prove to me I can trust you. And everyone else must, MUST, say the same. If they want it all - right now - then they don't have the restraint to be a good Dom/me. At the end of the day, you are going to allow this person to do anything they want to you. Be sure you believe in them before you let them take over.

Then let them take over. You will, I promise, surprise yourself.


If you aren't, then trust your instincts. If it walks like a nutter and talks like a nutter, then if probably is a nutter.

Just my two pence worth.

R.

Wow!

Wonderful post.

 

[ReadyOne]

Back to the original question, like how to get some more experience without going "whole hog".

Yes, I know they will be far away, but if you can find a munch then you can find a get together, which often offer prearrainged "demos". It also not unknown for people to put on scenes for others to watch at such affairs, before leaving in smaller groups or couples for more private play. Anyway, I did it that way when I was first investigating.

You also can get the opinions of others about playing with particular people, and knowing someone who knows hows someone else plays can be worth a lot.

 

[Netzach]

I disagree vehemently with cymbidia's assertion that "we" are better communicators, more honest and honorable, and more bound as couple than "nillas" whoever those people are. I happen to knowa lot of balanced and introspective people who are not into kinky sex and a lot of self-deluded headcases who are. Walk carefully.

We are people. We come in shithead flavor too. Don't ignore your little red flags, bottom line. Don't take everything everyone says as gospel and read between the lines.

I think that statements like "REAL Doms don't do XYZ asshole behavior" are actually dangerous to people's safety. Someone can be a competent Top and an asshole. Someone can even be very dominant and STILL an asshole. Don't ignore the basic interpersonal red flags just because someone hits all the right buzzwords and says all the right "REAL Dom" things.

I think you have to evaluate the person as a person, period.

 

[Netzach]

How to get experience without going "whole hog."

Bottom. Play. If you are a woman not into casual sex (I know a lot of people like this) then don't make sex part of play. Make it a hard limit, babee.

If your top can't cope with that limit, then obviously SM bottoming is not as important to them as a fuck, do you really need that in your life? Personally I can get laid any day of the week, a really curious bottom who just wants a beating would be a treat by comparison.

 

[Krinaia]

I was really lucky. I weeded out several "online masters" - never meeting any of them because of warning bells. And I got to talking to my best friend's best guy friend and we found a lot of common interests and a common thirst for experiementation. I talked it over with her, then set a date with him. He was my first everything and I don't regret any of it, in fact, I'm really happy it happened.

My only problem is now ... he and I don't want to date though we've remained good friends and the search continues... It's really hard when you're a college student and moving to and fro every six months. I thought I had found someone worth meeting but .... it looks now as though maybe not. It's disheartening.

 

[BlueSugar]

i think it was a mix of my parents canceling playboy on TV..******* roleplaying and internet porno...somewhere around 8-10 and then from 14- yrs old for me.

i went from discovering myself, masturbation, and getting a computer and roleplaying in "rhydin" and then I got older and more interested in more serious adult situations... I found Mock Gor and all of that and started playing with the "dominants," online. I committed myself, relized it soaked my panties after each game... went searching for more and found it readily at my fingertips.
I became more serious and had a storyline, a friend and a continuing D/s relationship over the computer and phone ... since its always something I look for in a relationship... (a year older then me he was)maybe...hopefully... one day I'll make another transition, for now I am comfortable where I am.