First story posted - feedback welcome

[Jenny_Jackson]

Sorry it's taken me a while to get through your story. I'm with Elfin. The is a genre I don't often wander into. But I was surprised to find your story quite well done.

Yeah, until you gain some experience stay away from first person POV. It's quite restrictive. I've used it. Many of the other writers older writers use it regularly but, my preference is third person.

You had a few errors but nothing that detracted from your story. The idea was really good, your prose clean and delightful. I could argue with your ending, leaving her wondering if she would ever feel Rob again. I thought it was a bit light. It might have been better to have her tortured with the thought of not feeling him again. But it's your story.

I liked the tension you built up in the first part but it seemed to peter out during part two.

But you did pretty damn good. I liked it. Keep going. I'm expecting good things from you.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Tried To PM, Can't

If you need editing and/or mentoring, I'm pretty good at both. PM me, I check pretty regularly and have a quick turn-around.

 

[EveAnna]

Hi Jenny and AsylumSeeker,

Thanks for your comments - I've got the second chapter of this story done in the first person POV , I'm waiting to get it passed but I'm not sure if I will try writing in the first person again - it is restricting although it was fun to do.

I left it open ended so the second Chapter would marry in with it.

 

[EveAnna]

The second chapter to 'Sexual Healing' is up- I really want to carry this story on now but not if people aren't enjoying them, although I've thought of some great story twists - so again any feedback on this part is very welcome - without feedback I won't grow as an author.

 

[writelove]

I enjoyed your story.

I won't repeat what others have said. I noticed a few things that might help.

You used present and past tense interchangeably at times. Ex. First statement "I've been ..." -- present tense. Fourth para "I felt ..." - past.

There were several run-on sentences that distracted me. Fifth para, first sentence never seemed to end -- one example.

You did pull me into the story and that is probably the most important aspect of any tale.

Anyway, thanks for sharing.

 

[EveAnna]

Hi writelove,

Yes I noticed that when the story was up I'd used past and present tense - No matter how many times I proof-read things still get through.

I know my sentences can run forever LOL - you should see them before the final edit - again something I'll work on.

Thanks for your feedback writelove.