Grassroots Disc Rumple 10-31-04 SDC queue

[TheEarl]

Evening Rumple. Been a little while since I did this. As usual, I'll start off by saying that everything I say is just a matter of opinion and as such can and maybe should be ignored.

Good story over all. I liked the tempo at which it flowed and there were no major errors. However a few things caught my attention.

He'd always been there, close and caring, whenever she needed a friend, needed a shoulder to cry on, just like tonight. Because, because he loves me, not the homecoming queen or fraternity sweetheart or any of that crap, just me. A new emotion swept over her, a sensation that had nothing to do with friendship. She no longer just needed Mark--she wanted him.

She slipped both hands behind his neck, pulled his face to hers, and began kissing her best friend.

First quibble is their previous kiss. At the moment I'm not sure whether she's doing it because she's drunk, she's lonely and on the rebound or what. It seems a little too easy for her to do. It's very difficult to break the barrier between friendship and kissing and, although I loved the bit about her soaking his shirt with mascara, I would have said the first kiss would have been a nihilistic lunge, rather than a calculated decision. More of an 'Ah-fuck-the-consequences" whereas I'm getting a 'I've-just-realised-I-fancy-you' from your character. Just an opinion.

It feels like they move way too fast. The first few kisses can be performed through nihilistic rush of breaking boundaries, but I get the feeling she would have protested when Mark's hand went underneath her sweatshirt. I know, makes for a boring Lit story, but that bit jars slightly to me.

Very good description though. Very clear, very flowing descriptive paragraphs. I like the way her remembrance turns into a full-blown dream.

Mark nodded, lit a cigarette, and handed it over. "They're in love, remember? If one of 'em had fallen in, the other would be raising all kinds of hell."

Made me laugh. Good bit of dialogue.

"Your saying that is so far out because...

Maybe it's because I'm English, but I don't buy that dialogue at all. Seems a little weird.

"Right as usual, superstar Amy. Not that a guy like me would ever have a chance with a drop-dead gorgeous female like you."

Again, a little stilted and off-kilter. 'Superstar Amy' jars because there's no point of reference as to why she's a superstar. Referring to her as a 'female' instead of girl, lady, etc also seems a little odd, but that could be an Americanism that I'm not familiar with.

The second kiss seems a lot more natural, although more description of her fear and panic wouldn't be terrible. The marriage proposal seems odd for someone who's only just realised he's in love, but it's surrounded by such superb description, that it doesn't really matter. I always loveyour active scenes because you're always so clear about what's happening without losing the flow or the emotion of the writing.

Mark had her heart. Now he began to touch, to kiss, to take possession of her body. When his lips encircled a nipple and he began to suck, she felt her body rising to meet his mouth.

Very very pedantic, but you've used 'her body' twice in close succession. Jumped me out of the scene, which is a pity, cause it was just getting very interesting <dives back in>.

<Emerges again> Phew, that was... that was quite a well written scene. Loved this bit at the end:

Mark turned his head and yelled, "Tell us what y'all were doing, first."

Amy could almost see Bob grinning as he said, "Oh, you know, this and that."

"Well, this and that is what we've been doing," said Mark.

Very good story. The only few quibes I had with it was that I very occasionally didn't believe in what Amy was doing or why she was doing it (cf first kiss) and that's easily solved by a little bit of descriptive thought.

Hope that helped in some small way.

The Earl

 

[CharleyH]

Sorry it took me so long to get here. Now I see 25 posts, and will not be reading them until I am through with you! In other words, sorry about redundancies if there are any:

First off:

The kisses became more intense and the touches more intimate.
They worked together in a harmony of love and passion.

I find that sentences like these, preceeding action sequences both slows, and dulls down the action. Personally, I feel you should just get into it without comment. What you have after these sentances are fine on their own.

She slipped both hands behind his neck, pulled his face to hers, and began kissing her best friend.

Later, much later, their lips parted and they looked at one another. There was an uncertain, questioning expression on Mark's face. Amy found herself praying he wouldn't be sensible or cautious or, even worse, make a joke. Damn it, Mark, just kiss me. Please. Then he leaned forward and began kissing his best friend.

At some point, it occurred to her that Mark was a very good kisser. She felt a strange sense of pride that her best friend was so gifted.

I feel that you have said best friend once too many times. Perhaps this is something you could emphasize earlier in the story when you first describe him. You tell me in an earlier paragraph that he is her oldest friend, but if you are to bring so much emphasis to the friendship, perhaps stating that they are best friends and perhaps giving a comment of what they have gone through, will set up this rather semi-awkward moment on the river? Also, she must have been thinking something as she was kissing her best friend. I know when I have kissed a friend passionately or vice versa, it does cross your mind during the kiss. Indecisiveness. I want, I shouldn’t. Just a note to take or leave.

Who was shaking her shoulder? Confused, she opened her eyes and looked around. Instead of moonlight, the afternoon sun was shining off the river. And instead of Mark caressing her body, he was kneeling beside her, grinning. "You've got to tell me what you were dreaming about, lady."

"None of your business, mister," she said, yawning and stretching.

I feel confused. The transition is fine, but I am at led to believe they are stangers by words LADY and MISTER. In which case, I lose time frame. A flashback? A real world experience? My first reaction is disorientation, not about the transition, but rather about their relationship to one another. I had to read it a couple of times just to get a foothold. I think also that something in his character changes from the daydream to the RL. He seems more mature earlier, and if I am to understand the end correctly, I suspect that he is much younger than he is currently.

Thoughts on the two "love" scenes:
The first scene is soft, warm, slow. However, from the hesitancy with which you set it up (they are best friends) I would have expected more hesitancy in their actions as they were kissing and thinking about making love. Otherwise, I feel it is described with a slow movement that suits her tears, and night on the river.

The second scene:
I do feel there needs to be more tension leading up to his confession of love. It didn’t seem feasible after everything he said, that he would turn and go into a dialogue about surrendering to her. It seemed to me, almost a sarcastic reaction, since much of his dialogue is 'jokey, poking fun' type non-serious stuff.

Then he asks her to marry him??? Why? The way his character is written, his reactions to her on both occaissions, I don't even get the sense that he feels anything toward her more than she is a 'buddy'.

The sex scene is romantic, not explicit, and not erotic . . .sounds strange? I just mean it keeps within that over-dramatic romance genre so written by those of Harlequin.

The dialogue:

Amy looked at her best friend and gave him a big, I-know-a-secret-and-you-don't, smile. "You're right, I really was feeling rotten. But I had this dream that was all romantic and mushy with lots of steamy stuff, and now I feel a lot better."

Dialogue could flow a bit more naturally at times, in my opinion. Particularly in the above quoted. IE. “You’re right. I was feeling rotten. But had this dream that was . . . (perhaps she sort of laughs embarrassed or bashful since its about him. I guess I want to know what she is feeling? I also think she would not just say it outright. Many women, in telling of something erotic, particulary to the person they were day dreaming about, would I think, say it with hesitancy or sluffing it off. Afterall, she is in love with him . . . so) romantic – mushy – lots of steamy stuff. I feel a lot better now.”

Other than this, I felt the dialogue ran smoothly and was written naturally. I got a terrific sense of character from the dialogue, especially his playful tone and clichéd phrases, references. I had an impression that she was more mature than him. I also, while surprised at the end, wasn't too surprised since much of what was spoken, references to ol man river etc., had led me to believe these characters did not suit the present. Although, I felt they were older than having been of college years in 1968.

The internal dialogue:

He'd always been there, close and caring, whenever she needed a friend, needed a shoulder to cry on, just like tonight. Because, because he loves me, not the homecoming queen or fraternity sweetheart or any of that crap, just me. A new emotion swept over her, a sensation that had nothing to do with friendship. She no longer just needed Mark—she wanted him.

This may be a format problem as Pure mentioned prior, but I have always felt that internal dialogue needs single quotes to differentiate between narrative and other dialogue. Did not have much trouble with it otherwise.

The ending:

LOL – I loved the ending. You brought the story back to the beginning, and clarified the daydream as a long ago memory. A very sweet story all in all.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

CharleyH, you can redundant me anytime you want.

TheEarl, glad to have you back in the fold.

Both of you have given me some good stuff to chew on. Quality wise, they fit right in with the other critiques which, IMHO, have been some of the best to show up here at the old SDC. You should check them out. They make me wish I posted a "heavier" story and glad I don't have to post a crit for comparison.

I've been saving all the critiques. Once the smoke clears, I want to spend some time going over them as a group.

Thanks again to both of you.

Rumple Foreskin