Hi Sunnie,
I'm new to the SDC, so bare with me....
I wish I hadn't read the thread before I started making my comments. If I had commented with a "untainted" outlook as it were, my initial feelings would have very much echoed what Dr. M and Pure had to say. I thought there were some interesting and even exciting aspects to the story, especially once we got past that somewhat misleading exposition (as others have discussed).
The sex was well described, and as a reader, I was given the chance to experience some of the vibe of what was happening, which is certainly a great first step, and in my experience, somewhat rare. I did have a big problem really relating to Jared, however--not that I wanted to like him, just that I wanted to understand where he was coming from. As others have said, if he was a virgin, this whole encounter would have most likely inspired much more introspective thoughts and emotions. It would have been nice if he'd helped us to see what MEANING he'd assigned to the actions he was participating in. No matter how much porn you've watched, your first time is a significant experience. Jared's first time just didn't seem like his first time at all.
As you say, how did he get to be the "slut" he is now? I'm interested in this question myself, but I'd be much MORE interested if his first time had actually had more of an impact on him than just a simple fuck. If Natalie is going to slight him somewhere along the way, wouldn't it be more interesting if he had more stake in the matter to begin with before she does? This story doesn't give us that.
And speaking of developing the story further, in response to your comments about how we must wait to see Jared develop in further volumes, I still maintain that there is validity to some of the arguments about the first chapter. Jared may well be an interesting guy, and his journey as it unfolds might well be pretty darn interesting as well, but the seeds for that journey weren't planted nearly as well as they could have been. There's very little intrigue, very little sense of what the journey will be, of who Jared is so that we can appreciate the significance of what he becomes. At least that's how I see it. I think you're wrong in saying that promiscuity can only be so interesting. I think it CAN be--easily. Ultimately, if the characters are well written, and it's interesting and significant to them, it will be significant in some way to the reader, no matter how trivial it might seem in some other context. Jared is so apathetic about his whole journey, that it's no wonder the reader is as well.
Anyway, I liked some of the dialogue quite a bit, although some of your phrases had me cringing a bit as well. I think that's more a personal taste thing than anything else, though. Lord knows, I'm one to talk when it comes to questionable erotic language.
Enough of my blathering. I'm intrigued to see your follow up chapters to the story. Please feel free to ignore my comments, though. I have my own biases and personal tastes, afterall.
I'm new to the SDC, so bare with me....
I wish I hadn't read the thread before I started making my comments. If I had commented with a "untainted" outlook as it were, my initial feelings would have very much echoed what Dr. M and Pure had to say. I thought there were some interesting and even exciting aspects to the story, especially once we got past that somewhat misleading exposition (as others have discussed).
The sex was well described, and as a reader, I was given the chance to experience some of the vibe of what was happening, which is certainly a great first step, and in my experience, somewhat rare. I did have a big problem really relating to Jared, however--not that I wanted to like him, just that I wanted to understand where he was coming from. As others have said, if he was a virgin, this whole encounter would have most likely inspired much more introspective thoughts and emotions. It would have been nice if he'd helped us to see what MEANING he'd assigned to the actions he was participating in. No matter how much porn you've watched, your first time is a significant experience. Jared's first time just didn't seem like his first time at all.
As you say, how did he get to be the "slut" he is now? I'm interested in this question myself, but I'd be much MORE interested if his first time had actually had more of an impact on him than just a simple fuck. If Natalie is going to slight him somewhere along the way, wouldn't it be more interesting if he had more stake in the matter to begin with before she does? This story doesn't give us that.
And speaking of developing the story further, in response to your comments about how we must wait to see Jared develop in further volumes, I still maintain that there is validity to some of the arguments about the first chapter. Jared may well be an interesting guy, and his journey as it unfolds might well be pretty darn interesting as well, but the seeds for that journey weren't planted nearly as well as they could have been. There's very little intrigue, very little sense of what the journey will be, of who Jared is so that we can appreciate the significance of what he becomes. At least that's how I see it. I think you're wrong in saying that promiscuity can only be so interesting. I think it CAN be--easily. Ultimately, if the characters are well written, and it's interesting and significant to them, it will be significant in some way to the reader, no matter how trivial it might seem in some other context. Jared is so apathetic about his whole journey, that it's no wonder the reader is as well.
Anyway, I liked some of the dialogue quite a bit, although some of your phrases had me cringing a bit as well. I think that's more a personal taste thing than anything else, though. Lord knows, I'm one to talk when it comes to questionable erotic language.
Enough of my blathering. I'm intrigued to see your follow up chapters to the story. Please feel free to ignore my comments, though. I have my own biases and personal tastes, afterall.
Beleive me I take every comment to heart, and perhaps that's why I'll seem to come off as defensive or snappy at times (though no one has yet accused me of this...yet...). But I totally understand every comment left, and the whys and wherefores of each ... 
