Guidance on writing style - perspective

[PennLady]

I like to fracture the expressions when I don't care if the flow of the read is interrupted there. It's fresh and makes people stop and think about the expression.

And I suppose there is something to be said for a metaphorical chicken.

 

[cocput]

This is from the beginning of perspective shifts. approx 350 words.

[highlight]WARNING: First draft. Unedited version. This is as I wrote it. Even I haven't re-read it. [/highlight]

========snip===============
...

“What is this about?” Emma was curious.

“About me and you.”

She thought that finally he will reveal the true nature of their relationship. She was praying that he would confessed his love for her too.

He took a couple of deep breaths before he said, “Mom, you have to be patient. Just let me complete, and we can talk about it for all night, if you want.”

She waited patiently for him to start.

#####​

I will start from the very beginning. There are a lot of things that you are not aware of. I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore. Just please try not to interrupt me.

I was 14, when I first observed that you are unlike other mothers. Ron’s mother was in her late 40s. Jimmy’s mother was already 50. Most of my classmate’s mothers were around that age. Except for Sara and Andrew whose mothers were in the middle 30s, none of them were exactly young. But you were not even 30 then.

Entering high school, I realized that my school form always showed you are single mom. That was the first time I asked you about my father. And you evaded the question.

#####​

Emma interrupted, “So you were pampering me to know about who your father was?”
She was hurt. There was only one topic that she would never talk to her son, and that was about his birth.

“Mom, I don’t want you to tell me anything. I told you that there maybe some things that may hurt you. Just listen to what I have to say, please. I promise to you, I will never ask you to talk today about anything at all.”

She was still upset. But what Jacob said was correct. He didn’t ask her to answer that question. She reluctantly said, “Okay, you proceed.”

#####​

Well, as I was saying, I was in high school. Not knowing my father’s name hurt a lot in my younger days, but I always made up stories to counter questions. In high school, however things were much tougher. If Ron was not there with me, I would have been having fights with every other child.

Don’t interrupt now.

...
========snip===============

Edit: [personal note.] Not knowing my father. replaced your with my. line3,

 

[sr71plt]

And I suppose there is something to be said for a metaphorical chicken.

And, apparently (reading this forum), a bunch of Chicken Littles.

 

[PennLady]

And, apparently (reading this forum), a bunch of Chicken Littles.

If a metphorical chicken crosses the road, can it change a light bulb if the sky is falling?

 

[sr71plt]

If a metphorical chicken crosses the road, can it change a light bulb if the sky is falling?

It can change it quicker than have it light up over its head.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

First off, what you're proposing -- starting in 3d person, switching to first, then back to 3d, certainly can be done. You have to remember there is no real "right" way to do things in a story, except the right way for that story. I think this idea sounds like the best way, since a section in first person would be different than a monologue.

Another way, of course, would be to do it all in third person, and this section about the past would just be a flashback

PINHEAD LADY is wrong, of course. You can compose schizophrenic word salad and stream of consciousness blabber and fill a bag with tangential points with loose associations; PINHEAD might love it but few will.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

If the story itself has multiple chapters (advised for stories over 5000 words) then these three headings are called Part 1, etc. with chapter headings within parts.

... I haven't devised this as a multi-part series. Only after completing, I would know whether this can be split into multiple parts.

I wasn't necessarily talking of a series of separate postings - that decision is a whole other problem. I was suggesting that it is necessary to separate the three phases of your story very clearly in the reader's mind.

 

[cocput]

What do I do to show action of Jacob while talking to Emma in the the first person part?

The scene requires me to make Jacob hold her hand when he is talking about his grandfather. Emma is not interrupting the conversation, so I don't think I can let change to third person again with #####.

 

[PennLady]

What do I do to show action of Jacob while talking to Emma in the the first person part?

The scene requires me to make Jacob hold her hand when he is talking about his grandfather. Emma is not interrupting the conversation, so I don't think I can let change to third person again with #####.

Just write something like: "I took her hand in mine." Then Jason can continue telling the story.

 

[cocput]

Just write something like: "I took her hand in mine." Then Jason can continue telling the story.

An excerpt:

“Money can only buy things. The look of a happy client’s face is the real reward for what we do.”

Terry taught me to observe small things in life. That is how, I learned about grandfather.

Now, don’t stare at me. You told me that grandfather was alive.

grandfather being a sensitive topic for Emma, Jacob should show some support.

Option 1 : First attempt was using parenthesis:

“Money can only buy things. The look of a happy client’s face is the real reward for what we do.”

Terry taught me to observe small things in life. That is how, I learned about grandfather.

Now, don’t stare at me. You told me that grandfather was alive.(Jacob took Emma's hand in his own)

Option 2 : I thought of using the text to convey unsuccessfully.

“Money can only buy things. The look of a happy client’s face is the real reward for what we do.”

Terry taught me to observe small things in life. That is how, I learned about grandfather.

Now, don’t stare at me. You told me that grandfather was alive. Don't be upset. Let me hold your hand while I continue.

I think there must be a better way to do this. But I have no clue of how to do it.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

If a metphorical chicken crosses the road, can it change a light bulb if the sky is falling?

Only if it has helicopter vision or blue-sky thinking.

Just back from a tedious day 'thinking outside the envelope' sorry.

 

[PennLady]

I think you may be taking on too big of a project for someone who isn't a native English speaker. This is not to say you should not try, or practice, because you should. However, as you're finding, writing stories can be tough and poses questions, and those questions are tougher when you're working in another language.

From the short excerpts you provided, I can't help. The excerpts themselves are choppy and provide no sense of anything. I can't tell who is saying what, and who is supposed to be responding. I realize you don't want to and can't post the entire story, but I think may need more help than you can get here. It sounds like you need to work one-on-one with someone.

You've also been pretty insistent on presenting and writing things as you've dreamed or thought about them, which makes it difficult as well, because although you read the suggestions, you seem to dismiss them. What you're doing may simply not work, and you may need to do something else.

First off, I advise reading some stories so you can see how other people do things. I know I gave you links to mine, but there are tons of them here, in first and third person, with and without flash backs.

Second, consider something like this:

I looked at Emily and said, "You know what Terry told me? He said, 'Money can only buy things. The look of a happy client’s face is the real reward for what we do.'"

She nodded, so I went on. "That's how I learned about grandfather."

"Jacob--" Emily paled.

I walked over to her and took her hand in mine. "No, don't stare like that. I know he's alive."

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

Now, don’t stare at me. You told me that grandfather was alive. Don't be upset. Let me hold your hand while I continue.

Now, don’t stare at me. You told me that grandfather was alive. Taking her hand he continued, don't be upset.

 

[cocput]

Thank you PL for the advice. I will have to do like that only.

Thank you all for your advice. I am going back to the drawing board again. This has been a learning experience for me.

I am going to come back for advice after I finish the work. I think I need to work a lot more on the dynamics before I can continue with the piece. I think I started writing without a fully worked out plan on paper, a very basic mistake in my profession. I am committed to finish this as a "good work".

I will update in this thread when I finally am through with my initial review.

-scorpio