Guilty because of married bi guys

[smj4740]

delete

 

[krsmaddriver1420]

.....

 

[timetotry]

Here's the thing. I just started talking to this one married guy from Kansas (essentially a neighbor) who I sent (and vice versa) some nudes of myself. I admit, there was a indeed a click between us.

However, I am debating if i should stop talking to him. Bit of a shame, he is a hot lookg guy (army dude). Wish he was more honest to his wife.

Lookit, been over three months and you are still getting pissed that the men you are cybering with won't tell their wives. If it still bothers you (and it must or you would've stopped dwelling on it) just stop playing with married men. Are you the morality police? If so I would ask why are you on an erotic chat forum in the first place. If your cyber playmate agreed to be exclusive to you I could maybe see why you would feel insulted but still, it's cyber and the fact that you are acknowledging they are married men means you know going in that they have someone that ranks higher on their list of priorities than you. Let it go or stop playing with married men. We aren't going to tell our wives. Got it? Get over it.

 

[none2_none2]

Lookit, been over three months and you are still getting pissed that the men you are cybering with won't tell their wives. If it still bothers you (and it must or you would've stopped dwelling on it) just stop playing with married men. Are you the morality police? If so I would ask why are you on an erotic chat forum in the first place. If your cyber playmate agreed to be exclusive to you I could maybe see why you would feel insulted but still, it's cyber and the fact that you are acknowledging they are married men means you know going in that they have someone that ranks higher on their list of priorities than you. Let it go or stop playing with married men. We aren't going to tell our wives. Got it? Get over it.

While I wouldn't have stated it quite to roughly, you are in essence correct. I'm off the market because I'm hooked up (another man in my case). If for some reason I was single again and on the prowl looking for other men, it is MY responsibility to be involved with the kinds of men I so choose. If that includes no sex/cyber with a man already involved, then that is MY responsibility to enforce that on myself. If the onother guy IS in a relationship (man or woman), it isn't my responsibility to "make" him tell his significant other. That is HIS relationship -- not mine.

MissouriBi,
Personally, I don't know why it would be so much better if she knew. She may know, but how do you know she APPROVES? Maybe she hates it but just tolerates it because she cannot afford to leave him or is emotionally attached. Would that make you feel any better? What if you forced the issue and his wife left him, would that make you feel better? It is best to leave him alone if you have issues with married bi's/gays.

 

[Missouribiguy]

While I wouldn't have stated it quite to roughly, you are in essence correct. I'm off the market because I'm hooked up (another man in my case). If for some reason I was single again and on the prowl looking for other men, it is MY responsibility to be involved with the kinds of men I so choose. If that includes no sex/cyber with a man already involved, then that is MY responsibility to enforce that on myself. If the onother guy IS in a relationship (man or woman), it isn't my responsibility to "make" him tell his significant other. That is HIS relationship -- not mine.

MissouriBi,
Personally, I don't know why it would be so much better if she knew. She may know, but how do you know she APPROVES? Maybe she hates it but just tolerates it because she cannot afford to leave him or is emotionally attached. Would that make you feel any better? What if you forced the issue and his wife left him, would that make you feel better? It is best to leave him alone if you have issues with married bi's/gays.

You two are pretty much right, I assume. Maybe I am being a bit morally superior. Or at least, sound like I am morally superior.

Which I am not, believe me. I guess I am just having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Plus, some personal problems involving my parents has lead me to the "honesty is the best policy" solution.

To be fair, most of the married men who I talked to have had sex behind their wives back. Can I support that? Not really, but I can understand why they do it. We do have our own needs.

As for me and my future relationships, I will be honest to my spouse (male or female) that I am bisexual. If they leave me, then yes, I would be bummed.

As for me probably breaking up the marriage, well, they shouldn't be sneaking behind her back having sex with anybody. Admitting to your spouse as being bisexual isn't a big deal, but the whole fucking behind her back is what bugs me.

 

[girlsmiley]

bump

 

[Stella_Omega]

While I wouldn't have stated it quite to roughly, you are in essence correct. I'm off the market because I'm hooked up (another man in my case). If for some reason I was single again and on the prowl looking for other men, it is MY responsibility to be involved with the kinds of men I so choose. If that includes no sex/cyber with a man already involved, then that is MY responsibility to enforce that on myself. If the onother guy IS in a relationship (man or woman), it isn't my responsibility to "make" him tell his significant other. That is HIS relationship -- not mine.

MissouriBi,
Personally, I don't know why it would be so much better if she knew. She may know, but how do you know she APPROVES? Maybe she hates it but just tolerates it because she cannot afford to leave him or is emotionally attached. Would that make you feel any better? What if you forced the issue and his wife left him, would that make you feel better? It is best to leave him alone if you have issues with married bi's/gays.

This.

 

[cuck2011]

Really interesting thread. Two main points that keep coming up, the inablilty (for whatever reason) of men telling their partners they are bi, and what exactly is cheating (cybering or real life meet).

Someone made the point that if you are in a monogamous relationship then it doesn't matter if you are gay, stright or bi, your committment is to the one you promised to be faithful to. I am bi, and proud of it, but I am in a committed relationship and would never go behind her back to gratify my lust, desires or fantasies. Now if she wants to come with me thats a whole other ball game.

Some fo teh men are right, and I think some of the women can't fully get this, there are women out there who just cannot accept bisexuality in their partners. For them it may be either wrong, selfish, greed or it might mean that secretly the man is 100% gay and its only a matter of time before he goes off. Its complicated,and no one post is going to capture all the intricacies and complexities of each situation. My wife freaked when she found I was bi. Why didn't i tell her? Well for me it was my secret shame. I struggled for a long time with my sexuality and I guess was too young or silly to seek help. But having said that, it was the secrecy that hurt her more. Now that she knows everything things are better. But the bisexual part of my psyche is left to me, she isn't interested and doesn't want to engage with it. I know that she doesnt' quite get it and thats fine, but it can add to a feeling of isolation, which I think is exactly why so many men go online and look for cam partners (that and the fact that us men still dont' think the same way as women, we can convince ourselves that camming is not an act of infidelity). In an ideal world we should al lbe honest and not care about the consequences, unfortunately we don't live in uptopia, so the best we can do is make informed choices, but STILL accept the consequnces if those choices come back to bite us on the ass.

 

[KevinHHPope]

Personally I dig them.

Personally i think chatting with married guys is sort of perversely hot. Most are probably just turned on by the idea and that's all there is to it for them. The guys I feel sorry for are the ones that are probably gay and are married to women and this seems like one of those weird trade offs (pretending to be str8) when its not who you really are, other than that I don't have any problem chatting with them.

k

 

[timetotry]

Looking back at my comment to Missouribiguy I was a bit crass yes but there is a history that brought that out. (not with him) Lots of married men are like me I am guessing. We live one life for the world to see and another that we WISH we could show but for obvious - or not so obvious reasons we refrain. I myself like to play to the sub side in my fantasies. I have chatted and talked to lots of guys that enjoy just the fantasy part and we realize that may be all it ever gets too. It isn't as simple as disolving one's family and / or marriage just to attempt to discover the inner you. If someone does and it works out for them I am truly happy but lots of us have to live that part of us thru cyber and fantasy. Guys like MBG that have a real problem with married men are entitled to that issue but really should stay away from us if we make it clear we are married because in reality we probably always will be in the closet. Cheers to you guys and girls that have the ability to be who you are. I admire ya but can't join ya.

 

[Missouribiguy]

I wanna resurrect this thread a bit...

Well, I have decided not to be so fucking judgemental with the guys. I mean, while it would be seen as morally wrong, I do admit that some of my best jerk-off buddies.

Hell, one guy was this sexy hairy chub I jerked with. We even played a game with us stopping from cumming and counting to five. Damn, I do miss him, he was so hot. I would've fucked him if he lived near me (and vice versa). Married or not!

So, yeah, I'm a bit over it.

 

[PressNightly]

For God's sake cheat...sneak around..keep it on the down low...it's your DUTY! Do you think it's right to put her on the spot? Take the responsibility and the moral decision on yourselves and dont be a coward by putting it on her. If nothing else think of this...in the words of the song: it feels better when I sneak.

The Idiots Dictionary:

Cowardice = Letting your fears dictate your actions.

Bravery = Doing what is right in the face of fear.

Marriage = A commitment to share your life with someone regardless of gender. Where life means more than just personal space, financial security, or reproductive aspirations, it is also all those things that make up what religious people would call a soul, your desires, fears, ambitions and aspirations. See Trust.

You sir are a coward if you think that cheating on the DL is ok because you're affraid that telling your wife/husband/partner might cause them undo sadness or hardship. Or because you're affraid of how your firends or familly might react if they found out how you feel about other men. How about when you bring home Herpes, or Syphylus, or AIDS, how sad do you think she'll be then? How much of a burden do you think you'll be putting on her shoulders?

Yeah I've lived on your side of the equation and I know how hard it is to live a lie. Thankfully I've never actively physically cheated on my wife but let me tell you from experience that telling her is always better than not, regardless of the outcome. She is a person and has the right to put her trust and love where she chooses, not where you've deceived her into putting it.

As to the OP, my wife and I have come to the agreement that as long as there is no physcial contact or emotional attachment involved, then cybersex is not cheating. I know there are people out there who would disagree, but the way we see it, we can get the same thing through fantasy, erotic stories, pornography, etc.... Interactivity does not infidelity make. I can spend hours searching the net for a video of a guy putting a banana up his butt if that's what tickles my fancy at the moment, or I can hop on a webcam and ask a guy to put a piece of fruit in his ass and get the same effect. Even better, now that we know what each other is after I can now ask her to insert a banana into her nethers, or even have her stick one into mine, and the best part is that we can share that experience together and have mutal fun in the process!

I'd say don't feel so guilty, you're not putting his wife at risk for STDs by actually doing something with him, and in the end he is the one chosing not to own up to his desires to the person who he claims to share his life with.

 

[PressNightly]

Ahem...nobody ever caught an STD by cyber activity..

At no point did you limit your comment to cyber only, and then you went on to site cultural attitudes for several decades and pointed out your age and now 30 years of marriage.

If you were speaking of only 'virtual sex' then my comment is retracted, though I don't know how 'virtual sex' worked before the internet tbph.

If that's the case then I heartilly wish I'd known back in the 80s what BBSs and newsgroups you were visiting!

 

[Missouribiguy]

I think alot of people view having cyber sex as being a form of cheating, but others do not. It really depends if you think the Internet is a good place for socializing or just a place to get information. Though one of the reasons I decided not to be guilty about this stuff is because, well, it's not my problem really. I just a guy who jerks off with someone on cam with some faceless butthole. Who cares if he tells his wife or not. Only he should care, but he is obvilously too much of a coward to do anything of that sort.

 

[Missouribiguy]

You obviously get a lot of pain from some aspects of this...it's a shame because I seriously doubt that your partners online want you to feel that way. They want some fun without any pain attatched...whether for themselves or their wives...or you for that matter. Good luck in the future..I hope it gets better.

It's not so much pain anymore, just a bit of pity and apathy.

 

[Mr. Briggs]

My story is pretty straight forward. I'm married, I play online in my free time and sometimes fantasize about bi scenarios. I don't plan on meeting up or hooking up or anything else. I'm just going to fantasize online. No harm, no foul!

100% same here. I can tell from your posts we seem to be here for the exact same reasons

 

[TallOne]

We won't meet or intentionally play online with married guys where the wife doesn't know. If they're willing to hide that from their spouse, who knows what they're willing to hide from you as a random hookup.

 

[ConradBird]

Being bi

I think most of us in this thread are in the same boat in many ways. The truth of the matter is that life would be much simpler if we were simply straight. When we got married, our intentions were pure. Sexuality, however, is something that is not easily controlled. Even if we want to be completely true to our spouse, fantasy, dreams, and raw sexual hunger sometimes come seeping through. I know personally, sometimes I don't think about it at all. Other times, though, I can't get much work done because that is ALL I think about. I'm not going to judge the men out there who have found their own ways of dealing with their sexuality. Since I don't ever discuss it with anyone, my only means of comparison are my own experiences. One thing I do know: desire is a complicated issue. Even if our wives know we're bisexual, one reason we don't talk about it more openly with them is because it might hurt them or make them feel inadequate. Each man is the best gauge of his own relationships. I'm the last person who would tell another man how he should handle his sexuality within his own marriage. Essentially, we all struggle with our own demons--especially when it comes to what arouses us.

 

[DennyBTX]

well....

well, I appreciate the moral judgements being offered, but times and situations like these call for double standards. I love my wife, I really enjoy cock, but the two are separate issues in my mind. Just because I like sucking a guy off and having him suck me off, or getting together for a JO doesn't mean cheating. The DL is there for a reason and I'm glad it is. These are just two separate aspects of my sexual life. You may think they're one and the same but I don't, and it's my body and my morality.

 

[Hitchiker69]

. Admitting to your spouse as being bisexual isn't a big deal,

????? It would be a pretty damn big deal to me! You're not married, are you?

I didn't get married this second time until I was 40. The sex that I had before I met her is not discussed. She knows I had plenty of sex, and I know she had her share, too. She even knows 2 of my past girlfriends, and my first wife. We don't discuss specifics, and we don't have an 'open' relationship. We don't cheat on each other. But I have my memories and fantasies. And that's where it rests. She can't meet all my needs, that's what fantasies are for.

I was open with my first wife, telling her I was bisexual. She blabbed this private information to everyone. I won't do that again. It's nobody's business but my own. Nothing was gained, nothing positive came from that.

If my wife and I separate, divorce, or if she dies before me, I will probably go for some more gay sex. It's been a long time, and those desires haven't died. But I made the decision to leave that behind when I asked her to marry me.

Suggestion for you: Get out of the cyber world. Meet real people in the real world. Talk to them face to face. If you want real sex with another human you'll have to meet them in the flesh.

I was bisexual years before the internet came along. If I wanted a man I had to 'man up', stick my neck out a bit, and go find a real person in real life. If that meant going to a gay bar, then that's what I did. Sometimes I cruised gay parks, sometimes I met them through hitchiking. But it was always reality. Meet him face to face, and decide if we wanted to have sex that night. That took some real honesty and guts. I had to admit to a real person, another man, that I wanted cock. It wasn't like meeting someone online, and anonymously, for cyber sex. Get real.

Do you really expect a lot of honesty and integrity when dealing with strangers who hide behind user names? That's simply not realistic. The cyber world is a fantasy world. Reality is a hard cock in your mouth. Fantasy is sitting in front of a screen, one hand on the keyboard, one had on your own dick.

 

[SexyLitForAll]

My story is pretty straight forward. I'm married, I play online in my free time and sometimes fantasize about bi scenarios. I don't plan on meeting up or hooking up or anything else. I'm just going to fantasize online. No harm, no foul!

well said I am in the same situation as you. But I do love chatting with hot, sexy guys!

 

[Missouribiguy]

????? It would be a pretty damn big deal to me! You're not married, are you?

I didn't get married this second time until I was 40. The sex that I had before I met her is not discussed. She knows I had plenty of sex, and I know she had her share, too. She even knows 2 of my past girlfriends, and my first wife. We don't discuss specifics, and we don't have an 'open' relationship. We don't cheat on each other. But I have my memories and fantasies. And that's where it rests. She can't meet all my needs, that's what fantasies are for.

I was open with my first wife, telling her I was bisexual. She blabbed this private information to everyone. I won't do that again. It's nobody's business but my own. Nothing was gained, nothing positive came from that.

If my wife and I separate, divorce, or if she dies before me, I will probably go for some more gay sex. It's been a long time, and those desires haven't died. But I made the decision to leave that behind when I asked her to marry me.

Suggestion for you: Get out of the cyber world. Meet real people in the real world. Talk to them face to face. If you want real sex with another human you'll have to meet them in the flesh.

I was bisexual years before the internet came along. If I wanted a man I had to 'man up', stick my neck out a bit, and go find a real person in real life. If that meant going to a gay bar, then that's what I did. Sometimes I cruised gay parks, sometimes I met them through hitchiking. But it was always reality. Meet him face to face, and decide if we wanted to have sex that night. That took some real honesty and guts. I had to admit to a real person, another man, that I wanted cock. It wasn't like meeting someone online, and anonymously, for cyber sex. Get real.

Do you really expect a lot of honesty and integrity when dealing with strangers who hide behind user names? That's simply not realistic. The cyber world is a fantasy world. Reality is a hard cock in your mouth. Fantasy is sitting in front of a screen, one hand on the keyboard, one had on your own dick.

Figured I restate some stuff, I don't have a car and haven't learned to drive. This is a bit of weak point to your argument on my part, because I don't really have a way to make a social life for myself. This can change, true, but currently, I have to say that it's a no go

You do know what you were doing is consider dangerous, right?

 

[none2_none2]

well, I appreciate the moral judgements being offered, but times and situations like these call for double standards. I love my wife, I really enjoy cock, but the two are separate issues in my mind. Just because I like sucking a guy off and having him suck me off, or getting together for a JO doesn't mean cheating. The DL is there for a reason and I'm glad it is. These are just two separate aspects of my sexual life. You may think they're one and the same but I don't, and it's my body and my morality.

There comes a time in most peoples lives where the important things are less about doing whatever you please and instead involve doing what is right for those who you love.

The feelings of what people say on here shouldn't matter at all to you, but your wife's feelings should matter if you really love her. So believe and act however you want, but I would suggest you think how she would react if she read your post and knew it was you who wrote it.

 

[none2_none2]

I think most of us in this thread are in the same boat in many ways. The truth of the matter is that life would be much simpler if we were simply straight. When we got married, our intentions were pure. Sexuality, however, is something that is not easily controlled. Even if we want to be completely true to our spouse, fantasy, dreams, and raw sexual hunger sometimes come seeping through. I know personally, sometimes I don't think about it at all. Other times, though, I can't get much work done because that is ALL I think about. I'm not going to judge the men out there who have found their own ways of dealing with their sexuality. Since I don't ever discuss it with anyone, my only means of comparison are my own experiences. One thing I do know: desire is a complicated issue. Even if our wives know we're bisexual, one reason we don't talk about it more openly with them is because it might hurt them or make them feel inadequate. Each man is the best gauge of his own relationships. I'm the last person who would tell another man how he should handle his sexuality within his own marriage. Essentially, we all struggle with our own demons--especially when it comes to what arouses us.

While life is always simpler if you can be part of the majority (in this case straight vs non-straight). However, how many 100% straight men and/or 100% gay men in relationships never have temptations?

I am monagamous, not because my partner is everything one could ever imagine in any male human being, but simply because I love him. Likewise, I would think the same of a 100% heterosexual man. No lover, spouse, etc can ever represent the embodiment of every single member of their gender.

I have my doubts that very many bi men that do engage in m2m sex would be that satisfied if they were only allowed only one man on the side for a life time - unless of course there was some emotional connection beyond just some kind of male lust. A body part may be "hot" for a while, but over time if you don't develop a fondness for the person it is attached to, the body parts get less desirable.

As to sharing sexual desires, a person can be hurt regardless of the gender of your fantasy. Would your wife not be hurt if your fantasy involved a woman she could never be? (Young if she is old; tall if she is short; slender if she is pump; etc.) While some men may not be as easily hurt on the surface, most don't relish being compared to another male they could never be. If you did have a regular bi-buddy, would you want him to emphasize he would rather be with someone hung if you are not, or thinner if you are fat, full head of hair if you are balding, etc? Everybody wants to be desirable.

The married bi-men that I always felt the most sympathy for were those who had emotional needs for men -- beyond a just a craving for a body part. This isn't true for all bi-men, and for the ones that have this extra need, it usually happens as they age. One thing that makes male sexuality a little more complicated is that as you get older, you cannot just get it up for just the sake of getting it up. That may work for a hormone enraged 20 year old, but in your 40's, 50's, 60's... the interest has to be there. So they have problems just getting it up for their wives. They have to fantasize about their m2m encounters.

Over the years, i have known some bi men that seem like it is just a thrill they need now and then, but then sometime around middle life or latter, they are struggling with erections. Not because they have erectile disfunction necessarily, but because the homo part of their bi-ness has gotten a bit stronger. I noticed it expecially with bi-men once the nest is empty. (Note: If you are wondering where my knowlege comes from. Years ago I would hang out at the parks. You'd be surprised how many men open up when they are where they feel safe that no one they know will find out. Its kind of like a bartender, but with your buddies being sober.)

For such men, it is no longer enough just to find a male body part to play with for a an hour's appointment. They want to actually do it all -- including sleeping/napping next to a man. They want to hear, feel, smell a man, and know that they are good at giving a lot of pleasure to this other man. They may want their eyes and listen carefuly, because it means a lot to them to think they gave you that orgasmic facial expression and the sounds.

I'm NOT talking about a bi man's conversion to being 100% gay or some kind of gay weding in the back of their mind. Rather, it is just a need for that half of their sexuality to be more than a fleeting encounter here or there. Some of them found peace by finding another man -- preferrably in the same boat with family to loose if they aren't careful. Someone who they can spend a whole afternoon or such with each other.

I wouldn't want to be in their shoes, as I know not hurting their wives and family do mean a lot to them, but erections do not lie. I don't know if they can pop enough blue pills to avoid being in this situation.

 

[CrowdedStranger]

My wife knows and is cool with it. But cyber isn't my thing. I couldn't imagine trying to hide such a big part of myself from her.