Haiku - my first post

[bigjim_100]

All the leaves ae brown and the sky is grey.....

Thanks! For all the great feedback! I like to hear if my haiku has been successful in conveying the image I intended. When I started this thread I had no idea the direction it would take. It is been fun, interesting and informative.

So I took a stab at reworking it.


Cold north wind
One leaf ...
....one snowflake


But that didn’t work for me. It wasn’t the same image I wanted to convey. It was all messed up.




So I looked at the original again......


wind blows from the north
one last leaf still attached
...one snowflake drifts down

..... what if I was to take the “one” out and substitute “the” and “a” ?

wind blows from the north
the last leaf still attached
...a snowflake drifts down



But no, that didn’t work, still to wordy.
I’m still stuck on the 5-7-5 cadence. I have to do my homework and go back and see how I can effectively use punctuation for the cadence. The break, the transition .....

So let’s trim it down more, get rid of the fat.

North wind blows
leaf still attached ....
snowflake drifts


Now this is tightened up a bit and seems to be an improvement. I think it would stand well on it’s own but it still wasn’t exactly the image I had in mind. So I went back to my original slightly trimmed.




wind blows from the north
last leaf still attached
.....snowflake drifts down


So, I went with this for my final re-write. And I think it does simplify and strengthen the image and keep with the original thought. I like the juxtaposition of the attached leaf (not fallen) and the snowflake falling down. As if winter would never come as long as that last leaf could stay up. The “wind” line conjures up all kinds of images but it’s only the wind blowing, no human characteristics, from an observer direction.