Happiness in BDSMless relationship?

[Netzach]

The children aren't stupid.

If you think a child has NO IDEA whether its mother or father is happy or not, you're in denial.

If you think that it doesn't matter to them, you're in denial.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Depends on the maturity and wisdom of the parents - when our marriage started falling apart we never aired our differences in front of our son. We eventually did get divorced, but both of us have never felt the need to destroy our son's love for both of us, and this precious element is still very much intact. As a result, our son is a healthy, happy young man who loves both his mother and I.

Like Netz said, children aren't stupid, they're actually alot smarter than people give them credit for.

You may have done well in masking it from your son and him to have turned out well adjusted (congrats on that btw) but with others it may not work.

 

[castagnus]

The children aren't stupid.

If you think a child has NO IDEA whether its mother or father is happy or not, you're in denial.

If you think that it doesn't matter to them, you're in denial.

Oh, he was very much aware - One night when it dawned on him we were getting divorced, he came to my room, cuddled up and said "Daddy, I don't want a new daddy or new mommy- I am quite happy with my old mommy and old daddy" , and this is one of the main reasons I have only recently thought of dating again.

He was acutely aware of our disagreements, but is a mentally resilient young man - the experience taught him at an early age that there are set-backs in life beyond one's control that one simply has to deal with. The kind of situation summed up so succintly in the expression "Shit happens".

So far so good, and there are no signs of psychological damage in his generally cheerful demeanour.

 

[Netzach]

Oh, he was very much aware - One night when it dawned on him we were getting divorced, he came to my room, cuddled up and said "Daddy, I don't want a new daddy or new mommoy- I am quite happy with my old mommy and old daddy" , and this is one of the main reasons I have only recently thought of dating again.

He was acutely aware of our disagreements, but is a mentally resilient young man - the experience taught him at an early age that there are set-backs in life beyond one's control that one simply has to deal with. The kind of situation summed up so succintly in the expression "Shit happens".

So far so good, and there are no signs of psychological damage in his generally cheerful demeanour.

This sounds very realistic and very well handled.

A lot of people prolong things "for the children" when they're really just trying to find a reason to prolong them and the children are in fact miserable. I'm sure you've *seen* this.

 

[Fauna]

I was in a vanilla marriage for nine years. At the beginning I was young (20) and knew something was missing, but I didn't know what. When I discovered what I needed and told my ex, he told me I was a married woman and shouldn't talk about things like that. I tried so many times to talk about my needs, and was met with a wall of that's disgusting, not what a woman like you should think of, etc. I turned into myself. I took to reading books and searching BDSM on the internet.

I finally found a sub and had a non-sexual D/s relationship with him. I didn't tell my husband. In my mind, I didn't think I was cheating because I wasn't having sex. I was, on an emotional level. I know that now.

The relationship with my ex went sour for many reasons, with BDSM being just one. But I think his unwillingness to try new things was at the core of many of the problems.

I vowed to myself that in the future I would find a life partner that mirrored me in sexual preferences, religion and lifestyle. It took a few years, but I found an amazing man. We have problems like any couple, but we are inline with the major things.

best of luck!

ps - you can see my join date was back in 2001 and I have less than 100 posts. My ex found out about my account here and my desires and used that against me in fights. So, I've been a lurker for a long time. I forgot about Lit for a few years too in all the turmoil, but I'm back!

 

[ovrec]

On Children

No children are involved. Basically right now that would be my worst nightmare, to have children. For a while I was getting a lot of pressure to have them and that was the one thing I would not give in on. Now that the marriage counselor said it would be a very bad idea, I am getting less pressure for now. I mean I would not want to have children unless I am 110% sure the marriage works. But then again no birth control method is 100% except abstinence.

My parents count as two people who probably should have divorced a long time ago. They constantly argue with each other and yell at each other. They have now been married almost 40 years. My sister and I, and eventually 9.5 years later my brother always knew what was going on. Their fighting made it incredibly uncomfortable for us. And sometimes their anger at each other would spill over to us. I think if my parents got divorced (especially if I didn't have to live with my father) we would have been happier. And in fact a large part of the problem is that I moved out at 27 to live with my girlfriend and 3 months later we got married. But since I have moved out I have been changing. It's like being around them suppressed a whole lot of stuff and now that I am free of them it is all starting to surface. Now I am doing things that on some level I always knew I wanted to do but I never ever thought I would do (like riding a motorcycle).

Anyway based on that, my worst nightmare is to end up in a marriage like my parents. I would not be able to take that. Even if I had 10 kids, if the marriage degenerated to my parents I would divorce. If the kids are at all me and my siblings then they would be happier.

 

[FurryFury]

The children aren't stupid.

If you think a child has NO IDEA whether its mother or father is happy or not, you're in denial.

If you think that it doesn't matter to them, you're in denial.

Oh sure kids know but most kids would rather their parents stay unhappily together than divorce. I was an exception to that but studies have shown it is so and that makes sense. People fear and hate change, why shouldn't children?

 

[FurryFury]

This sounds very realistic and very well handled.

A lot of people prolong things "for the children" when they're really just trying to find a reason to prolong them and the children are in fact miserable. I'm sure you've *seen* this.

I agree and good for you!

 

[FurryFury]

Welcome back!

I was in a vanilla marriage for nine years. At the beginning I was young (20) and knew something was missing, but I didn't know what. When I discovered what I needed and told my ex, he told me I was a married woman and shouldn't talk about things like that. I tried so many times to talk about my needs, and was met with a wall of that's disgusting, not what a woman like you should think of, etc. I turned into myself. I took to reading books and searching BDSM on the internet.

I finally found a sub and had a non-sexual D/s relationship with him. I didn't tell my husband. In my mind, I didn't think I was cheating because I wasn't having sex. I was, on an emotional level. I know that now.

The relationship with my ex went sour for many reasons, with BDSM being just one. But I think his unwillingness to try new things was at the core of many of the problems.

I vowed to myself that in the future I would find a life partner that mirrored me in sexual preferences, religion and lifestyle. It took a few years, but I found an amazing man. We have problems like any couple, but we are inline with the major things.

best of luck!

ps - you can see my join date was back in 2001 and I have less than 100 posts. My ex found out about my account here and my desires and used that against me in fights. So, I've been a lurker for a long time. I forgot about Lit for a few years too in all the turmoil, but I'm back!

 

[FurryFury]

I think that if you truly treasure your life with your wife you can find a way to be happy, knowing your sex life is never going to be what you might wish.

If not, get out now before there are kids.

I don't know if I need BDSM in my sex life to be happy. I haven't actually really had a chance to full on play so this is all speculation that I need it to be happy. But basically I have been married for 2 years. Prior to that I think our time together in person adds up to 5 months with 3 of them right before the marriage. After about 4 or 5 months of marriage I started to mostly feel frustrated with sex and to not want to have it anymore. I'm not sure if it is because I need BDSM or not. But is it possible to be happy with a vanilla partner without feeling empty and frustrated with sex?

What I do know:
1. fixated on movie scenes of bondage/torture since before 10
2. used to self pleasure to bdsm related porn from 16-26
3. we tried to have me tie up my wife once but she is dominant by day and she barked out a ton of orders which totally made the scene not fun for me. She has indicated over and over again that she is completely not turned on bondage/spanking/etc. and she is not into pain at all
4. I am very shy/unconfident/reserved
5. I don't want to hurt anyone that doesn't want to be hurt, but the idea of whipping, clamping, spanking, tickling, someone and having them get off on it does turn me on. But without trying it out I'm not sure where I stand here....

I only had one sexual partner. So I don't know if in general I am just bad at sex or doing it wrong, or if she is bad at sex and doing it wrong, or if I can be happy with vanilla sex, or if I need bdsmlike sex. Since I don't know exactly what I'm missing, it may be easier to live without bdsm. But even now I feel kind of frustrated, empty, and like something is missing.

So back to the question is there a way to find happiness in a relationship without BDSM? Or at least a way I can find out if it is truely bdsm that I am missing without cheating on my wife.

 

[intothewoods]

According to what she says she is the happiest she has ever been in any relationship. We go to marriage counseling because of me. Mostly marriage counseling finds that I don't like the dynamic of her telling me everything to do. So we find small examples of that and change. Or tells her to watch her tone of voice. I guess a lot of men have issues with that...But basically marriage counseling focuses on all the other issues first and then sex next. And I am open minded enough to try it. I mean hopefully in a year or two we will know what happens. I don't want to be in marriage counseling for 10 years or something only to divorce.

The only thing that seems to upset her is when I try to talk about unhappy I am. It is more than just a lack of BDSM at issue with the marriage. But most of the other issues I can maybe compromise on (or more likely think I can compromise on). She has issues that do make her angry like me being a bit messy and her being super clean. But overall she says she is happy. I think that she is not lying and is somewhat happy.

Even with our sex life she is happy. She claims never to have had an orgasm before I got her the Hitachi wand and we started to use that. So anyway I don't know. Getting her to try something new is a real chore but the Hitachi at least was a success. Trying to tie her up wasn't a success, much to my dismay.

And I have orgasms but after I have them I feel frustrated and empty and like something is missing. I want to try BDSM like in a club or something but I don't want to cheat on my marriage (so I don't suggest this). She has indicated that maybe I should do that (on her own), she would let me (in an upset tone once in a while). But though I want to try a BDSM club, it seems too much like cheating to do that stuff with someone I'm not married to. Also if I found a normal play partner and we had fun, then I would probably want to end the marriage anyway.

The most honorable choices seem to be live without BDSM and keep my wife happy. Or end the marriage and pursue it and maybe like it or maybe end up alone and unhappy. The most honorable one is probably to just live without it and keep my wife happy. But the reality is that I can't live in this state of unhappiness without not being fixated on bdsm. I either need to try it with someone who is excited by it or to get rid of my fixation on it.

There are two aspects of this issue, sexual compatibility and ensuring both persons in the relationship feel heard. I can't answer the first part for you. Maybe with work you could get somewhere. Maybe not. As to the second, it seems that therapy isn't working if you don't feel like you're happy, or being heard. You might want to speak up about your needs in therapy, or find a new therapist.