Has Your past influenced your relationship needs?

[zuzub]

It is not TMI as it directly answers the OPs question. Thank you for sharing you experience. It is very much like mine. Your mother was right BTW. To feel arousal during abuse can be very shaming to you later on and affect your self esteem. I think we can turn this around and make it work for ourselves. Like you I am at the point where denying the fantasies is no longer an option. I'm finally accepting that while my experience has shaped how I relate to sex and relationships that doesn't mean its automatically bad or shameful. I like what I like and want what I want and I've finally gotten to the point where analyzing it is just another way of avoiding becoming who I am.

Ivy

Ivy, thank you for not letting me 'hang in the wind' AND for reinforcing what I have come to believe myself - that it's ok to get off. YAY!!!!

 

[neonflux]

I was in the same boat as you, but instead of brain damage, I think the depression daddy had was keeping him from fully realizing just how badly I needed him.

Since he was put on antidepressants 2 years ago, our relationship is wonderful, and I love spending time with him. Soon after beginning the mend, I left my abusive boyfriend and found a new love with Sir. I don't doubt there is a strong correlation between the two events. Healthy relationship with daddy=self-love and self-worth=healthy relationship with men.

It's kind of sad that I depend so strongly on the love of my parents for my own self esteem, but I guess that's one of my quirks.

Many prayers for you Neon.

Satindesire, Thank you for your good wishes. I very much identify with your idea that self-healing is important to achieving healthy relationships. Since my father died when I was 21, I never had the opportunity to establish a different relationship with my father.

For me the healing came in slow stages, part of it having to do with finally being able to acknowledge as I got older that my father did the best he could with the hand he was dealt. Later, I began to look at how my fear of abandonment was impacting my capacity for intimacy - acknowledging that I can only find wholeness in myself helped greatly with this. ~D's temporarily going back to his ex, when I was certain that he loved me so greatly (which he does), really brought home the lesson that love will never protect one against loss.

Ultimately, we can never fully own another's body or soul, not even within the context of a formalized D/s relationship. Until ~D left, I had reconciled myself to the idea that I would never be free of a certain level of anxiety in my relationships, it seemed such an ingrained part of me. In my early 50s, I finally decided that I would not continue to live like that. That I deserved the joy and equanimity that I had allowed "living in that mindset, in that place where my father left" to steal from me.

It is wonderful that you were able to reach reconciliation with your father while he was still alive. And that you have found your Sir.

Neon

 

[graceanne]

I was systematically raped from the age of 4 to the age of 12 by a family friend. To this day, I try to stress to my friends and family that it's NOT strangers jumping out of a bush you have to worry about - sadly, it's the people you KNOW that represent the biggest threat to your children.

Anyway, the point would be that my introduction to sex was shameful and completely out of my control. However, it shaped my fantasies. I remember my mother saying "One thing that is NEVER acknowledged in abuse cases is that parts of it can feel good to the victim. That doesn't mean it isn't abuse, but 40 year man can find a little girl's clit."

So, I associate sex with domination and shame. For a very long time, I refused to admit it. And don't get me wrong, personally, I'm not big on shame. You have to be very strong to tolerate shame and I'm not. But domination, yes. Denying the fantasies never worked, so maybe embracing them in a healthy way will. Maybe I can still turn this around and make it work for ME.

If this is TMI, I apologize.

This is not TMI. I want to give a quick *hug* before responding.

I was not molested as far as I know. (I have almost no memories before the age of 10, and have a tendency of forgetting trauma.) I have had many friends who were, and several of them told me it felt good. They were ashamed, but it seemed to me at the time that that would make sense. Not all abuse is violent. I like the way your mother put it, it sounds like you have a very smart mom.

I was physically abused. I did not realize that it was abuse until my mother told me so, because she told me that good mothers spank their children. (We always called the beating 'spankings'.) I thought that's what mothers who love their children do. Since . . . well a long time - I've found the thought of physical beatings to be soothing and arousing. I know in my head that that's not how it should be, but it helps me understand why women quite often go from abusive parents to abusive significant others. I don't know - I'm not one to spend a whole bunch of time wondering 'why', as far as I'm concerned what is, is and questioning it doesn't make it any less. But I wouldn't be surprised if that's why I like bdsm - it gives me a way to get what makes me feel loved in a safe, fun, consentual way. It's also probably why it makes me mad if he pretends I've been bad when I haven't - that instantly hits all my guilt triggers which in turn pisses me off.

Oh, and another *hug*.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

Ivy, thank you for not letting me 'hang in the wind' AND for reinforcing what I have come to believe myself - that it's ok to get off. YAY!!!!

LOL...No problem. I don't mean to belittle the subject but you made me think "We're getting off and we're proud damnit!"

 

[zuzub]

LOL...No problem. I don't mean to belittle the subject but you made me think "We're getting off and we're proud damnit!"

Well, I haven't gotten off yet, but I'm workin' it baby!

 

[zuzub]

Oh, and another *hug*.

Thank you Grace. As crazy as it sounds, I feel your hugs! You smell good.

 

[graceanne]

Thank you Grace. As crazy as it sounds, I feel your hugs! You smell good.

LOL I'm not gonna burst your bubble about how I smell today, but thank you.

 

[littleone77]

Oh goodness yes.

The exact details to why aren't that important and not suitable for Lit. However I am a product of my upbringing. Its a question of nature versus nurter. For a while I couldn't figure out why I am predisposed to an alternate lifestyle but slowly the pieces clicked together. Anyone who knows of this side of me and my childhood can easily see the connection. I am of the belief that you cannot be where you are now, unless you know where you are from.

 

[zuzub]

Oh goodness yes.

The exact details to why aren't that important and not suitable for Lit. However I am a product of my upbringing. Its a question of nature versus nurter. For a while I couldn't figure out why I am predisposed to an alternate lifestyle but slowly the pieces clicked together. Anyone who knows of this side of me and my childhood can easily see the connection. I am of the belief that you cannot be where you are now, unless you know where you are from.

<Smile> That reminds me of an old backup software program called Retrospect. It's motto was "To move forward, you must back up"

 

[littleone77]

<Smile> That reminds me of an old backup software program called Retrospect. It's motto was "To move forward, you must back up"

Perhaps. I am not suggesting that you live in the past, merely be aware of who you are and how you got there. No one has ever remained unscathed from their childhood experiences. One of the reasons my self esteem, needs and world views are so twisted.

But the other day, He did say I made sense.

 

[zuzub]

Perhaps. I am not suggesting that you live in the past, merely be aware of who you are and how you got there. No one has ever remained unscathed from their childhood experiences. One of the reasons my self esteem, needs and world views are so twisted.

But the other day, He did say I made sense.

No offense taken whatsoever. I understood your meaning. I envy you for having someone that loves you & tells you that you make sense. Not that you don't. Groan. Sigh. You know what I mean, right? It's the LOVE/ENVY part that's important.

 

[littleone77]

No offense taken whatsoever. I understood your meaning. I envy you for having someone that loves you & tells you that you make sense. Not that you don't. Groan. Sigh. You know what I mean, right? It's the LOVE/ENVY part that's important.

For some reason I feel as if you need a hug. So {{{{zuzub}}}}

It took me a while to get *here*. Sometimes he does tell me I don't make sense. Even I tell him that. My favorite comeback is "I never said it made any sense". Its cute when he tries to think like me *smiles*. Love is more important than envy and a lot harder to come by. When you find it though, do your best not to let it go.

 

[satindesire]

It is wonderful that you were able to reach reconciliation with your father while he was still alive. And that you have found your Sir.

I feel incredibly grateful that I have been blessed with these fortunes. I try really, really hard to not ever forget how lucky I am and just how kind the karmic process has been to me.

Thank you, Miss Neon. You are a very nice conversation partner.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

I was systematically raped from the age of 4 to the age of 12 by a family friend. To this day, I try to stress to my friends and family that it's NOT strangers jumping out of a bush you have to worry about - sadly, it's the people you KNOW that represent the biggest threat to your children.

Anyway, the point would be that my introduction to sex was shameful and completely out of my control. However, it shaped my fantasies. I remember my mother saying "One thing that is NEVER acknowledged in abuse cases is that parts of it can feel good to the victim. That doesn't mean it isn't abuse, but 40 year man can find a little girl's clit."

So, I associate sex with domination and shame. For a very long time, I refused to admit it. And don't get me wrong, personally, I'm not big on shame. You have to be very strong to tolerate shame and I'm not. But domination, yes. Denying the fantasies never worked, so maybe embracing them in a healthy way will. Maybe I can still turn this around and make it work for ME.

If this is TMI, I apologize.

{{{hugs}}} for zubzub.

No, not TMI. Sounds like you had a wonderfully wise Mom which has probably helped you come to terms more easily.

I have had quite a few friends who were abused by older relatives/step parents & they all seemed to deal with it differently in their adult relationships.

Some who continued to stay meek & mild & always compliant, others who have always taken control & are loathe to ever be controlled again by anyone.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

I feel I should also add that my father (eventually) made a full recovery & we now have a great relationship again, where he loves to take me out to functions he attends, along with my Mum.

Even tho' the places we go aren't really 'my thing' it's still great to see the look of pride on his face when he introduces me to his friends and they tell him what a wonderful daughter he has, lol.

In fact, I still have both my brothers within close distance also, & this is why I'm so fussy about my men. It's sooo very important to me that any man can not only match up, but stand up, to the most important men currently in my life.

I would love to have someone else strong enough to take that responsibility (as would they, I think).