"Have Keyboard-- Will Type"

[WickedEve]

how a woman can be submissive and even slavish to a man while being fucked by him, yet still maintain her own dignity as a person. Conversely, how a man can brutishly pound a woman's fuck-meat, yet also feel genuine love and affection (and even reverence) for her!

This is something I strive to convey in my stories. I like to write stories where the man and woman are intellectually equal, and affectionate with each other. A couple like this is much more interesting to put into a relationship.

Thanks for reading my story, REDWAVE! And thanks for the comments.

 

[Driver]

New writer

I recently submitted my second effort and would be happy to get some constructive criticism to assist with any future stories. I've got broad shoulders so go for it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31177

Thanks in anticipation. (whatever the outcome)

 

[REDWAVE]

1st Time

Darn, karmadog, for your first foray into erotica, you did pretty well. I'm embarrassed-- as a "criiitic," I'm supposed to tell you what's wrong with your story, but I'm hard pressed to do so. The mechanics look good. You use the active voice consistently and effectively-- even KillerMuffin couldn't criticize you about that, I don't think. The situation you come up with is unusual and imaginative, and a guy and two gals is always a popular fantasy for erotic stories. I liked the honeybee metaphor, and the twist at the end is cute, too.

I guess the only things I can find fault with are that it's not all that believable or well motivated that two lovers would each want to lose their virginity to someone else. Maybe a little more development of the two main characters is in line here.

But as a whole, good barking, karmadog!

 

[karmadog]

thanks for the review

Wow. That was a very kind review. Thank you, thank you.
I appreciate you taking the time. I agree the situation is artificial. I had the idea for the situation first, and had a hard time wrapping my mind around the characters that would get into that situation. For a lot of reasons, I was a little pressed for time. Time is the scourge of all writing.

 

[TheDR4KE]

request for comment

Having just commented on your Death Train poem on the other thread, I was interested in checking up on this, longer thread. And from the reviews I've read, I'm interested in hearing what you'd have to say about one of my stories:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=24892

Actually, I'd appreciate your critique of all three stories, but that one I particularly like.

Thanks for your time,

Drake

 

[REDWAVE]

Slut Wife Frolics

OK, Driver, I read your "Wife Becomes a Slut." First point-- there's several mechanical errors-- grammar, speeling, etc. One example is where youy say "here attire" when you obviously mean "her attire."

The sex was pretty hot, and those Germans are a kinky lot, so it was a good touch having the German couple initiate them into public sex escapades. If you're just trying to write a one-handed story and nothing else, this is quite passable. If you're striving for anything more, the characters are a bit flat, I'd say. We really learn very little about them other than their sexual proclivities. Also, a lot of guys would be seriously conflicted seeing their wife having sex with other men, but it doesn't seem to bother Nigel at all. You should develop the non-sexual aspects of the two main characters more.

 

[REDWAVE]

Heartbeat

I really like this one, The DR4KE. Unlike most stories here, it has a long buildup and just a little sex at the end. And it's a good buildup, which creates a sense of fear and foreboding, and then releases the tension with sex, instead of violence or even murder, at the end. Well-written, held my attention-- the opening line is good and got my interest right away. The style is sparse and realistic, somewhat Hemingwayesque. (Contrast it with Mickie's style in "Goddess of Winter," which is much more lush and even "flowery." Neither style is necessarily better than the other-- they're just different.) I didn't even notice any mechanical errors. It also has a good twist at the end. You handled a woman's point of view pretty well, especially considering you're a man. Overall, this is a very well-written, well-constructed story.

About the only bad thing I can think of to say about it is there's not much thematic development. I don't get the sense that you're trying to do anything more than just write an entertaining story. But if that's all you wanted to do, you succeeded very well.

 

[TheDR4KE]

thematic development

Hi Red, and thanks

About the only bad thing I can think of to say about it is there's not much thematic development. I don't get the sense that you're trying to do anything more than just write an entertaining story. But if that's all you wanted to do, you succeeded very well.

That's a good comment. I'm thinking of expanding this into a psychic vampire book, so will need some thematic development soon ;-) but I suspect that it can wait for chapter 2 or so.

Just to make sure I understand what you mean, my take on your comment is that there is no underlying depth to the story. He's a predator, she's become prey, they have sex -- to completely oversimplify the story ;-) There are things like his feeding of energy from her at the end, his submission to his animal self, her inability to overcome the feeling of fear, but I guess these aren't developed far enough in the story to become very obvious (not that obvious is good usually, but at least a reader should pick up and think about them a little

Anyway, thanks again for your review.

Drake

 

[KillerMuffin]

This is it? No one else has pestered you? For shame.

Here, run amok with this one... please?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31984

 

[darkmaiden]

wicked eve...

i read your story Pink Cadillac Café... i really liked the title and it has an interesting premise. i love road stories, on-the-run, bonnie&clyde.

the opening sets a good pace for the story. you grab the veiwer's attention immediately. the problem is, can you keep it there?

i would like to see more visual description of the road the smells, the sound of the wheels on the highway... more description of how his cock feels in her mouth, how it feels to him... describe this scene in detail as it is your opening, and one you want readers to remember.

not that you don't write the details. but some of them are as stimulating as a tutorial on brushing your teeth...

i'm not trying to be rude. i hope my comments help. i think this has potential, and that you should work on your writing style/voice as well as pay attention to what details are important and what details are not.

one more thing. emotion. who is this story about. her or him or both. where is your protagonist's voice? who is telling this story. it seems like it is her, but it switches. you have to decide whether you want him/her to tell it, or to be just the "storyteller" voice that knows all. the problem with knowing all, however in erotic fiction espeically, it is hard to get into the mind of the protagonist, thus lacking deep emotion...

good luck with your writng...

duana

 

[REDWAVE]

Fury Twisted

Damn, KM, I didn't know you had something like this in you. This is a hell of a poem, far beyond the great majority of what appears on Literotica.
It's worth looking at in some detail.

The title, "Fury Twisted," apparently refers to "love"-- or as least what passes for love among most people. The poem starts out with the very strong line "Full in the scream, my madness is born." Ah yes-- what intelligent person with any sensitivity at all could help but scream with madness, living in these troubled times? The specific nature of the speaker's "madness" is delineated a little more by the line "I eat the breath that I held so dear" and the reference to "my twisted prey." The prey is apparently the speaker's lover, whom the speaker blames for certain unspecified ills.

And what are we to make of these lines?

"My knives are dull, my claws are sharp
My teeth crave your throat . . .
Feel my pain, my twisted prey"

My interpretation: the speaker is so overwhelmed with emotion that her means of artifice (her "knives") aren't working, but her natural resources (her "claws") are. Her teeth crave his throat because of wrongs he's done her, and she wants to make him feel the pain he's given her. There is also a delicious little touch of political satire: "I feel your pain" was one of Clinton's catch phrases.

The close is very strong:

"The circle of madness
The depths of your hell
I love you, my twisted prey"

I guess pop psych types would call this "co-dependency." His "hell" has created a "circle of madness" which she has now joined. She both loves him and loathes him. Note how KillerMuffin takes a phrase which is usually quite trite and sentimental ("I love you"), and turns it into something fresh and new, by adding the jarring phrase "my twisted prey." The duality and ambivalence of many love/romantic relationships is laid bare by this poem.

Bravo, KM! I don't give many poems a 5-- I give a lot more 4's-- but this rates a 5 on the LE scale, I think.

UP, where are ya, dude? Help me out on this one. What is your take on this remarkable poem?

BTW, KM, have you read "Ne Plus Ultra" and "Limbo" by Coleridge? If you haven't, you should.

 

[WickedEve]

darkmaiden

Thank you for your comments.

who is telling this story. it seems like it is her, but it switches. you have to decide whether you want him/her to tell it, or to be just the "storyteller" voice that knows all.

It's told from a first person perspective all the way through -- or at least, I thought it was. lol I'm pretty sure it is.

And which parts are as stimulating as a tutorial of teeth brushing? Just a few examples, please, so can I can avoid those mistakes in the future. I actually, have an idea of one of them. Where "I" am in the bathroom, and I describe what I'm doing? I wasn't sure whether to leave that in or not. I was trying to make a joke about why women take so long in the bathroom. It was such a short story that I can't think of any other details that were that boring. Point them out to me, or I'm going to have to strongly disagree with you. I may be too close to the story, of course, to see them.

Again, Thanks!

 

[Wanderer D]

I think I'll throw myself into the pit here and ask you to take a look at my story, RW.
It's my first piece of erotica but is based on a non-erotic fantasy novel I've been writing.
I tend to twitch a little when I think of being critiqued, but I know it's what I need. I look at my writing and something bugs me, but I can't say exactly what.

The link to my story is in my sig.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Why?

Red you have this all under control. I enjoyed the poem also. beside's rumbling around KM's psche is far too dangerous. There are always knives. Knives in her stories, knives in her poem.

Great job Red I love your voice


U.P.

 

[duana]

Re: darkmaiden

Hi WickedEve,

Sorry my crit was a little vague. I will point out certain areas of the story to clarify my opinion for you.

POV... yes, your voice is written in 1st person, but, there are parts of the story where you describe things you couldn't know, only an omniscient would know... ex, first paragraph...

<The green VW Bug swerves into the lane in front of him. >

(You can't really see the VW if you are sucking on his cock, you are below the windshield... So, you would have to decribe this a differnt way... perhaps how the motion of the car you are in swerves to avoid it, or you look up for a moment at that point... does this make sense?)

<Jack pushes harder on the accelerator, propelling us forward on the desert
highway. The tumble weed route we travel is long and straight, and there's
hardly any traffic. >

(Again, here you describe the road, but if you are as you say in the next paragraph: <So now my naked ass is an x-rated car ornament swaying
back and forth against the passenger side window. ...> you can't actually see this. You shouls be describing want you (your protagonist can really see: a cock, the accellorater, the seat, etc....)

<Jack finally catches up with the Beetle and breezes past him, honking his horn in
the process. The guy looks over, turns his head, and then does a double-take.
He looks just in time to see my sexy rear end going by. >

(Again here you can't see this happening unless you have eyes in your asshole!)

If you are writing in 1st person, you can only relate the things that your character can actually experience themselves. So, you can't see these other things, nor can you feel, or know the thoughts of anyone else but the one character. 1st person is limited to what the main character can actually know. If you want to show everything, then you have to choose another POV: Objective, 1st person, 3rd person or Omniscient and Limited Omniscient... see the following linke which has brief explanations on POV...)

http://www.learner.org/exhibits/literature/read/pov1.html

Okay, as for the boring parts... the reason they may be boring, is because you are describe mundane things....

in the first 4 paragraphs, you describe in great detail what the cars are doing... this is important to the storyline obviously, but you don't spend any time describing the sexual act of her sucking him off until the 5th paragraph where you say:

<A few minutes after I gulp down a load of his cum, and as his aggression
subsides, he asks me if I've saved any room for breakfast. I gaze at him with
sultry eyes, bite my bottom lip, and moan lustfully. >

Now, this is a good ending to a sexual climax, but where is all the heated sexy stuff before this? Which is more interesting for an erotic story? A car scene or the sexual act? I beleive the sexual act is the more important visuals here, and that the car chase would add to the tension & excitement of this scene. But, you have the car chase more important than the sex act. A way to polish this up would be to add more of what she is seeing, doing, feeling as she sucks him off in between the car chase scenes...

From the time they enter the restaurant, you linger on uninteresting visuals here... it reads more like a list of their actions, but shows little emotion from your main cahracter. I guess this is what I meant by the other comment. I don't feel like I am getting into your character's head, I guess, but rather reading a scientific description of these events... and its not that the whole thing is boring, it is just that your are describing more about inantimate things, that flesh and blood things and emotions, simular to the car/sex scene scenario.

It is hard for me to pick out exact examples, because they are littered throughout, and not in huge clumps... but the best example is again the car chase scene... and, yes the bathroom scene is definately un-erotic... i don't think it is necessary to show or tell the details here....

Another thing is when she comes out of the bathroom, she doesn't really seem that upset that her studmuffin left, even though she had been thouroughly enjoying giving him a BJ only a half hour earilier. This is one of the instances where you could "get inside her mind" more and reveal her thoughts/emotions... if she sad, upset, puzzled, angry, devastated...? perhaps she is thrilled by the prospect of a new adventure? how long has she known this guy, and does he really matter to her? is she just a hitch-hiker he picked up, or have they been lovers for years... i guess these are details that are important at this point to get to know your characters motivations, and so us, the readers can relate to her better...

the middle of the story is much more exciting when you are actually showing her getting off while revealing her story to the "stranger"... i was a little confused though... is this stranger Jack?

i guess this was unclear to me... anyway... i hope this helps and wish you luck with it...

duana

 

[WickedEve]

duana

You're such sweetie to take time to do this! Thank you. Your comments are valuable to me. When it's quieter around here (2 and 4 year-old running wild. lol) I'll take more time to study what you had to say.
I really should have known better. A lot of the mistakes I made in this story are things I shouldn't have messed up on. I wrote this story a while back, and I was impulsive about submitting it. I could just smack myself! lol

Eve

 

[duana]

no problem

WickedEve,

It was my pleasure. But, don't feel bad. The only way to get feedback on a piece is to post it or share it with others. I send many stories (in progress) to my writer's groups for feedback. I usually get alot of great insights, things that I was blind to at first, because I was so close to the story. When other people point them out them become obvious. This is how we grow as writers I believe, so it is important to share our work for feedback, especially if it is no perfect to begin with.

look forward to reading more of your work!

duana

 

[REDWAVE]

Damned

OK, Wanderer D, I've read your story twice now. I don't really have a lot to criticize about it. It's pretty well written, and I get a good sense of the two characters, especially the male one. (Your female character, however, could stand a little more development. What's motivating her? Is she really evil, or acting on some imperative of her own she can't control?) There's not much background to them: I don't get any sense of what the broader context is, how they met and came together in the first place, etc. But that may have been intentional on your part, wanting to create an air of mystery about your characters.

My main critique of this story is a thematic one. It plays into the idea of the woman as the "evil one," who seduces and destroys the male. Of course, it's just a story, and you're free to tell whatever story you want, but I think this theme is a projection and displacement of male aggression toward women onto them, making them out to be the villains. Let's face it: sure, sometimes, women victimize men, but the great majority of the time, it's men who victimize women. Take domestic violence, for instance: there have been some cases of women battering their male partners, true-- but the overwhelming majority of the time, it's the man battering the woman.

 

[Wanderer D]

Re: Damned

OK, Wanderer D, I've read your story twice now. I don't really have a lot to criticize about it. It's pretty well written, and I get a good sense of the two characters, especially the male one. (Your female character, however, could stand a little more development. What's motivating her? Is she really evil, or acting on some imperative of her own she can't control?) There's not much background to them: I don't get any sense of what the broader context is, how they met and came together in the first place, etc. But that may have been intentional on your part, wanting to create an air of mystery about your characters.

My main critique of this story is a thematic one. It plays into the idea of the woman as the "evil one," who seduces and destroys the male. Of course, it's just a story, and you're free to tell whatever story you want, but I think this theme is a projection and displacement of male aggression toward women onto them, making them out to be the villains. Let's face it: sure, sometimes, women victimize men, but the great majority of the time, it's men who victimize women. Take domestic violence, for instance: there have been some cases of women battering their male partners, true-- but the overwhelming majority of the time, it's the man battering the woman.

Interesting. Actually it's the male who has no real background, though his character was somewhat inspired (don't ask). L'ree is a character of mine who has been in existance for almost 12 years. The story was, for me, an exercise in erotica using a character I was very familiar with. This may explain why she is such a mystery in the story. It's one of my failings when I write. I have a good picture of something or someone thus I fail to describe it/them effectively for a reader who lacks that familiarity.

This particular aspect of her character is evil, more for her desperation and her desire to gain power than evil for the sake of being evil. Her whole life has been pain and the desire for revenge against those who caused that pain.
I wanted to reveal the more erotic, sexual side of her character which is not revealed in the larger story.

Damned is more a possible event in her life than an actual. I'm not fond of true, non-consent type stories, thus the two characters displayed more desire than what may have actually happened if she stayed true to character. My first draft showed more of that true character and I didn't like it, thus she displays a softer side of herself (no pun intended).

Your idea that the 'theme is a projection and displacement of male aggression toward women onto them' is something I didn't expect, but without knowledge of the characters' backgrounds it doesn't surprise me. In all truth (and Mistress has heard this before), I actually identify more closely with the female character. The longer story deals with a different aspect of L'ree and a very separate part of her life, so whatever you do, don't take this small snapshot of her character and try to figure out why I identify with her. There is so much more that I am not willing to delve into here.

To finish up my ramblings - Thank you for taking the time to read and provide your input and opinion. It is well appreciated.