Help! I'm dominating everybody.

[onyxvixen]

People do what a manager tells them to do because they have to in order to keep their jobs.

People do what a leader wants them to do because they want to. A leader is someone they can follow.

Which of the above do you fall under?

I'd like to think that I'm an effective leader but it's really not for me to say. The Japanese are so polite (even if they can't stand someone) at work that it's really hard to know how you are perceived by other people.

This caught my eye.
1.) Your people are responding well.
2.) Your bosses are impressed.

Seems to me you're on the right path to becoming a good leader.

It takes a certain amount of self confidence, pride and also a no-nonsense attitude to be a good leader. I've met plenty of good managers who were not good leaders.

Yeah, I am beginning to wonder if I'm fine and just over analysing everything because of the control I now have over my girl. Naturally I understand that the two aren't connected but she has really brought out the domme in me like nobody else before her.

These are just more aspects of leadership.
1.) You respect people.
2.) You're not treating people like crap.
3.) You're being fair and forgiving.
4.) You're not TAKING any crap
5.) You're delegating and calling the shot.

I say go with what works.

MJL

I think I'm effective I'm just not that good at reading these people. My Japanese is still far from fluent and there are many nuances of expression that pass me by. If someone were openly sarcastic to me, I'm not sure that I could pick up on it. It makes me feel very insecure about my position and how successful I truly am in my new role.

 

[onyxvixen]

People who achieve sustained success in a business environment do so by maintaining a primary focus on their role as servant, rather than their role as boss.
Even the CEO answers to the Board of Directors. He either does well *on their terms*, or he will be out on his ass.

For this reason, I consider the Domme/business manager comparison to be a poor one. A business man/woman is fundamentally a servant, and the one who loses sight of that will ultimately fail.

I do understand that and of course, I have bosses who have bosses etc. It's not like I feel I have a little patch or niche where I can act unilaterally. My concern though, is not with how I am seen by my bosses, but by my subordinates and everyone loves to have subordinates, regardless of how many bosses are further up the tree. I do think that many people have a different persona when dealing with superiors as opposed to subordinates. It's not always a bad thing, it's about what is effective while still being supportive of those further down the totem pole.

Another way to look at this might be to say that you have learned how to control or manage yourself. When to hold your ground vs. when to back down. That type of thing.

In learning to control or manage yourself, you learn how to get the results that you need to please those who are 'superior' to you.

There is a certain humility in looking at your workplace role this way. It may help you keep things in perspective (as with Netzach's yoga). But this type of focus is also absolutely necessary for sustained success in the pyramid of big business.

Yeah I do agree with that. This is my first management job in a country where the culture and language is still alien to me. That makes what should be a moderately challenging learning curve a vertical rock climb. I don't regret taking the post and I'm flattered that I was considered for it. It's really hard though to assess your own performance in an environment where you don't really understand the people you work with. It's very isolating.

Yoga is a very good idea though, I shall google for something local. I wonder if something like Tai Chi or whatever the Japanese equivalent of it is, might be good as a way to learn more about the culture here.

 

[onyxvixen]

Thanks to everyone for their responses. This thread is really giving me food for thought and I'm grateful for everyone's input so far.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Japanese workers are wage slaves. They take direct instructions well and are wary of showing initiative. These people are naturally deferential and polite and something in me responds to that.

If that's the case I would say that you're not so much 'dominating everybody' as adapting to the new environment and work ethic in which you now find yourself. When you were a PA, none of this was necessary because you only really deferred to whoever you were directly working for. If Japanese people require clear, explicit instructions and for their line manager to call all the shots, then all you are really doing is running with that and being an effective manager and employee.

I'd like to think that I'm an effective leader but it's really not for me to say. The Japanese are so polite (even if they can't stand someone) at work that it's really hard to know how you are perceived by other people.

If what I said above is correct, what you are actually doing is tailoring your management style to accommodate the needs of your predominantly Japanese subordinates. It's unfortunate that because this is your first management job you don't actually have a management style yet.

If you had taken the same job in the UK, would your management style be the same as the one you're developing now? No, I don't think it would because the British subordinate is an entirely different animal to the Japanese one.

What you're doing is trying to fit into a new role in a new culture and it's going to cause your character to evolve in a slightly different direction to if you had stayed working in the UK.

Yeah, I am beginning to wonder if I'm fine and just over analysing everything because of the control I now have over my girl. Naturally I understand that the two aren't connected but she has really brought out the domme in me like nobody else before her.

See, this to me is another example of the same thing. Your girl has a different character and approach to submission that's a product of who she is and where she was raised. She clearly is very service oriented and gains fulfilment from a high level of control and service expectations from you. You are responding to that need in her, not becoming a bitch queen, exacting domme for no other reason than that you were born deviant.

Both these issues appear to be cause and effect to me, rather than a manifestation of some negative facet of your character that you're imposing on people because you're a bad or mean person.

I think I'm effective I'm just not that good at reading these people. My Japanese is still far from fluent and there are many nuances of expression that pass me by. If someone were openly sarcastic to me, I'm not sure that I could pick up on it. It makes me feel very insecure about my position and how successful I truly am in my new role.

There must be a way for you to work around this. If your bosses are impressed and your subordinates are productive but hard to assess, find someone who's at an equal level to you on the corporate tree. There must be someone in that huge office of yours who you can befriend and glean info from about how you're really seen by your team and who can clarify any cultural issues that you may be unsure of.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Sounds to me like you are dealing with what is known as the impostor syndrome, which is mostly prevalent among women and people of color.

Through socialization, women and people of color develop a consciousness of submission and subservience: we are expected and come to expect ourselves to be soft spoken, caring, gentle, emotional, etc. Women who are assertive, authoritative, dominant, outspoken, etc. are called castrating bitches. Add your blackness to it and you have the stereotype of the angry black woman.

The chip on your shoulder is very real, and not you being paranoid. You are simply reacting to years of socialization and expectations as a black woman.

Maybe one way to deal with your self-doubts would be to think about it from the position of a white man: would you consider your attitude toward your employees and other people around you problematic if it was coming from a white man? Would you see him as an asshole, or simply as a competent manager and an assertive person?

 

[onyxvixen]

Both these issues appear to be cause and effect to me, rather than a manifestation of some negative facet of your character that you're imposing on people because you're a bad or mean person.

That was very insightful, thankyou. I can see how I'm adapting to my surroundings, it's clear that my current situation requires new things from me. I guess it was the ease with which I took up the challenge and started being alpha all over the place that made me question myself.

There must be a way for you to work around this. If your bosses are impressed and your subordinates are productive but hard to assess, find someone who's at an equal level to you on the corporate tree. There must be someone in that huge office of yours who you can befriend and glean info from about how you're really seen by your team and who can clarify any cultural issues that you may be unsure of.

I am working on this and there is a really nice woman from Lichtenstein (of all places) who works in another department. We talk frequently and I'm hoping to get friendlier with her. She has been here for about 5 years so she'll be far more able to pick up on things than I am. Her language skills are amazing and I'm sure she can put me in the picture as to how things really work here.

 

[onyxvixen]

Sounds to me like you are dealing with what is known as the impostor syndrome, which is mostly prevalent among women and people of color.

Through socialization, women and people of color develop a consciousness of submission and subservience: we are expected and come to expect ourselves to be soft spoken, caring, gentle, emotional, etc. Women who are assertive, authoritative, dominant, outspoken, etc. are called castrating bitches. Add your blackness to it and you have the stereotype of the angry black woman.

The chip on your shoulder is very real, and not you being paranoid. You are simply reacting to years of socialization and expectations as a black woman.

Maybe one way to deal with your self-doubts would be to think about it from the position of a white man: would you consider your attitude toward your employees and other people around you problematic if it was coming from a white man? Would you see him as an asshole, or simply as a competent manager and an assertive person?

This is a very interesting perspective and honestly not one I had considered before. I have no doubt that I feel a bit like a fraud right now but I've never been so out of my depth before. I know that I'm coping and getting positive feedback at work but I do feel like I've just belly flopped off the high dive and winded myself.

This is something that I'll have to take away and munch on before I decide to what degree it describes me. Thank you so much for posting such an intuitive and challenging idea.