Help Men and Women Better Connect in Adult Chat Rooms

[lucy_sometimes]

Hi fellow chat-goers,

The purpose of this thread is two-fold: to figure out why men and women have such a difficult time connecting in free adult chat rooms, and to work towards a solution so we can enjoy each other better on those platforms. I'm specifying "free" adult chat rooms because I have never used a paid service for this purpose, but I leave the door open for the paid options to yield better results. Having said that, I have used various free options over the past 20+ years, so I feel that I have enough experience to at least get this idea off the ground. I'll start by giving a little background of my online encounters, and then offer some questions that can hopefully stimulate the path towards some improvement. If you post that you disagree that there is a disconnect between men and women based on your personal experience, that is amazing. My only ask is that you share why you feel that your online interactions have gone swimmingly. What did he do, or what did she do, that kept things hot for both parties??

I was introduced to the internet through America Online back in my teenage years. It was a blast! You could enter random chat rooms with a click of your mouse, and talk to far-away people about anything you wanted. There was adrenaline, anticipation, all the wonderful things of connecting with strangers in a way that was mostly anonymous. I believe AIM and Yahoo Messengers became available shortly thereafter, followed by the cam/mic function on these platforms. Around this time, I also found my way to free porn and adult chat sites. Women and men were connecting on all of these chat sites at the time (even over cam), and I built up an ability to communicate effectively enough to enjoy these options with the fairer sex. I fully understand that some factors led to women being more careful on these chat sites over time (horror stories about in-person meet-ups, contemptible people taking advantage of another who gave just enough personal info to do so, etc). I also completely agree that it is important to weed out the poor players, and separate the wheat from the chaff when you have such a large pool of unknowns to choose from (and women definitely do). However, my opinion is that we may have gone a bit overboard with the caution and skepticism. There is still some anonymity to internet-based chats as compared to in-person interactions (ie, bars, clubs, parties, etc), and this should ideally allow for further sexual exploration with a willing participant. I personally find it very appealing to be able to see and/or hear my partner once there is a connection (shared interests, sense of humor, etc) over text, and continuing indefinitely with text-based chat just isn't attractive enough to me at a certain point. It has been said that some men are more visual and some women get more out of the written word, but it is also well-known that many women enjoy hearing a sexy voice (even if over a pair of earbuds).

When I log in to an adult chat site these days, there also seems to be a stark contrast in the aims of men as compared to those of women: the men seem to be looking for overt sexual play in private (mutual masturbation/teasing, giving and/or receiving sexual instruction from their partner, cam/mic play, etc), while the women appear to lean more towards commenting-on/captioning picture posts (non-nude women pics seem to be a big hit with women currently), and sometimes roleplaying over text-based chat. Ladies, feel free to correct me on that if I have misjudged the majority! Allowing for differences between the sexes, I still feel like we're falling away from the potential connections that could be happening in these chats. I feel like roleplaying may be a potential "bridge" between men and women, if the text-based play could transition at some point to at least voice-chatting (even if just to moaning or using a voice-changer, if there is true concern about sharing your real voice). Successful roleplays (those that lead to mutual satisfaction) are very tricky between most men and most women, though, and we can discuss this further if there is interest.

The anonymity of chat rooms would seem to make for a safer, less-inhibited approach for all involved to explore their sexuality, even if people are at times sharing glimpses of their voice and body from the neck-down. While I understand that showing your face or unique tattoos/birthmarks/etc on cam are reason for pause, I have found that the majority of women are just as hesitant to voice-chat over like-minded interests that they are already enjoying (pics, roleplays, etc), even if the man is ready to cam and mic from his end. This is true even in chat rooms with names like "Cam-Play," when there are many other available rooms that do not obviously imply using more of the senses. I understand that some men can be disappointing from the initial opener ("want to see my cock and cyber?"), but this is not the typical approach of the men I am speaking of here. Just as with in-person interactions, there are men who are decent conversationalists online and are there for the give-and-take of exploration and mutual satisfaction. I also understand that my experience is biased as a man, but I feel that I am reporting objectively enough to at least get some of the perceived differences on the table. So, to keep this to a readable length, and leave room for people to take the discussion in whatever direction feels most beneficial to the goals listed at the top of this post, here are some related questions to consider:

- Why are the ratios (of women-to-men) so poor in free adult chat rooms? If women go to other platforms for online sexual play with men, what are these? Maybe pay sites (where they know that men are committing something a little more tangible to the interaction)? Maybe non-sex-themed chat rooms where they can build a connection before escalating?
- Do you believe there is just too big a natural disconnect between what men and women want online for adult chat rooms to be a mutually-enjoyable, sexual playground?
- For women who have enjoyed online sex play with a man: What made the interaction enjoyable for you? Did he do something that helped keep you engrossed, or did you feel like he let you control the direction of the play? Do you enjoy speaking on mic or showing yourself on cam if you are interested during the text-based introduction?
- For men who have enjoyed online sex play with a woman over voice-chat and/or cam: Did things fizzle quickly over mic/cam? If not, what kept it fresh? What do you feel allowed things to transition comfortably enough to those options from text-based chat? Did it take multiple interactions to build comfort and rapport over time, or scheduling something for when she would have more privacy?

I appreciate you all, and hope this has not had the unintended effect of making me sound like an angry man --- far from it, and still quite curious about it all. My sense is that all involved are going to have to accept room for improvement for us to reap benefits. This is NOT an easy ask when it comes to sex differences (on par with political differences, in my opinion), but I trust that participants in the HT Cafe are a more thoughtful breed of online "philosophers." I also believe that there is still the potential for men and women to enjoy breathtaking experiences over the net. I have enjoyed online sexual interactions with women over the years, but less-so in recent times. How can we help men and women connect and explore together online again??

Happy weekend, all. Looking forward to what can hopefully be a respectful, productive venture....

P.S. This post is solely focused on ONLINE interactions between men and women, since it is unlikely that our lives separate significantly from technology any time soon. Men and women seem to connect much more naturally and consistently in-person, which is definitely a good thing, and hopefully keeps us a bit more balanced. If the end result of all this is that the internet is not the place for sexual interactions between us, then so be it. I have my thoughts about that, but will spare you for now. I'm also not yet ready to give up on the potential of it all.

I didn't have time to read the entire novel.

Some basic suggestions to improve the flow of chat in a room.

1. Brevity is your friend, but try to actually say something.

2. Don't say "Hi room". Imagine if all said hi back in a room with 60 users.

3. '.' to see if the chat has frozen is equally irritating. The chat rarely freezes. The problem is usually at your end or you accidentally clicked on the wrong pixel.

4. State your interests briefly and clearly. The room you are in gives some idea of what your interests may be, but adding which role you usually take or more details may help.

5. Everyone knows that many men use female identities in chat. As you are unlikely to marry the person and may never meet, does it really matter? If the person is articulate some online fun can be had.

6. Don't expect others to automatically be interested in your kink. For example, a Dom or bull who cuckolds other men is probably Interested in boning your wife or girlfriend. Rarely he may tolerate the idea of you fluffing and cleaning both up afterwards.

Have fun!

 

[guysachin2]

I've sent you a PM

Please send me as well

 

[ericalauren]

I’m nonbinary, and not a man or a woman, but I’ll respond here, anyway. I don’t use chat rooms often now. Unfortunately, I’ve had bad experiences in chat rooms starting back when home internet first came about in 1998. I remember my friend Caitlin telling me not to go into the Beanie Baby chat rooms. I thought, “why not? I love Beanie Babies”. Within a few minutes of being in AOL’s Beanie Baby chat room, I was contacted by two pedophiles. I wish I were joking. I was 11 years old at the time. Flash forward to now (I’m 37 years old now, fwiw). I visit the Literotica chat rooms maybe 4-5 times a year. A lot of folks (especially allocishet men) assume I’m a woman. When I tell them that I’m nonbinary, they ask me if I have a penis or a vulva. That’s inappropriate. The only people who need to know what type of genitals I have are medical personnel and IRL sexual partners (although, spoiler alert: I’m never having sex so this does not apply to me). There are a lot of allocishet men who are extremely aggressive in chatrooms, too. I’ve had people demand to know my real name, email address, etc in the first few minutes of chatting. A lot of them get pissed and even hostile when I refuse to tell them. Lastly, as a reminder, consent can be revoked at any time. If someone is chatting with you, even having cyber sex, they can stop at any time. Do not harass them for exiting the chat at any point. I cannot tell you how many people (mostly men) become livid at me for revoking consent during chats of a sexual nature.

 

[lucy_sometimes]

You can block people in milliseconds.

 

[subdudeme13]

You can block people in milliseconds.

Maybe being 11 is a factor.

 

[ericalauren]

Maybe being 11 is a factor.

Are you referring to my post about the experiences I had with CSA?

 

[subdudeme13]

Are you referring to my post about the experiences I had with CSA?

I thought your replied to

ericalauren​

 

[SPARTAN047]

I like most fetish conversations, but it's easy to leave whenever you want.

 

[BabyBoomer50s]

In my experience, what is often wanted by women is a setting that encourages/allows for flirting in a non-intense way. I'll try to explain..

In real life, you will usually meet new people in a public setting with others around and while doing some kind of activity. Maybe you're in a bar, grocery shopping or taking a class together. When someone strikes up a conversation with you there, it's usually without an expectation of much. But in some cases it can let you spot a spark, and you might end up exchanging contact information or deciding to meet again. Sometimes it takes multiple small encounters to get to that.

In contrast, when we go to places like Lit, chat rooms or sex game sites there is very little room for those non-intensive encounters. Many guys (and some women) are looking for a fast hook-up. And even the ones who aren't will almost always be considering the possibility of some kind of sexual encounter. It can feel a bit like a meat market at times.

Some of the games I've played offer a setting where you can hang out in public places and chat with many people in a group. Kind of like an open chat room, but with a smaller group of people and with some kind of setting that provides context to conversations. Even if it's just being able to have your avatar dance or watch others, it provides fodder for those non-intensive conversations that can lead to flirting and eventually more.

These group settings tend to be very popular with women, but much less with men. I've asked some guys why that is, and the answer has almost always been that it's kind of intimidating to try and flirt with people while others are around.

I think this difference between 1-to-1 chats and less intense chats could be one of the keys to better interactions

Dog walking. It’s one the best ways for men and women to meet in a no-pressure setting. Passing on the street or trail on a frequent basis allows opportunities to gradually get acquainted. It’s also healthier than playing in chat rooms.

 

[SPARTAN047]

Ah, that explains why some dating events are a taco fest. I've heard these complaints from almost all women where I work, they have dating events set up in groups where men and women meet up and no guys turn up at some of them.

There are the paid ones or group dinners where hopefuls turn up, but of course most people don't find what they want.

 

[The_Id]

Hi people,

I am continuing to find slightly better results (more women and more shared engagement with them) in the "hybrid" sites that combine some sort of roleplaying aspect with a chat aspect, and it has brought me back to enjoying a certain form of roleplay. I still have not tried pay-sites, so I am wondering if the ratio of women-to-men is even better on there (feel free to respond in this thread if you have experience), or if enjoyable connections happen at a higher rate on those sites. I am likely going to decrease my frequency of posts in this thread for now, barring some new epiphany or change that I come across related to online sexual play. I hope others have found some posts in here helpful, and are also experiencing improved results if that was their goal. Please don't consider this thread (or my participation) dead, as I will be catching up on posts every month or so even if I don't post. I appreciate all of you for contributing, and have anticipated that this would be more of a long-term discussion than a quick-fix from the initial post.

I'm noticing that we're starting to veer towards discussing real-life encounters, which I expected at some point. I'll personally be using this thread to discuss online sexual play between men and women, but I don't want to limit the idea flow, especially if the path can be brought back full-circle to the original goals of this thread. I don't have a ton of questions about real-life encounters (although I love to discuss those, too), because most real-world venues have very different ratios of women-to-men than the current online chat environments, and the dynamic is just different between men and women on certain levels when they are in-person (we've already mentioned some of these differences). I "studied" pick-up/social dynamics from my college years on, and feel like I can make sense of human psychology in the real world better than average. Results in that arena were always pretty steady once I got my footing, but my original questions in this thread still remain for the online world. It still seems to me that the ratios in online chat realms changed very quickly, and the results (enjoyable sexual play between men and women) went downhill for the vast majority of people with whom I've conversed. I feel like there are still unmentioned factors that led to this change or are keeping it from rebounding, as the weaker online behaviors of both men and women have not changed dramatically, in my opinion, in the past 2 decades.

I also am speaking more for the people that make an effort to connect sexually online with some semblance of social skills and prioritizing of the enjoyment of their partner, rather than those who rely on the "want to cyber?" line right off the bat. The solutions for the latter are obvious, and likely unnecessary for anyone investing in this thread. I don't pretend to understand modern technology, so the rapid improvements in that area (and new online options) could very well be a big part of the change in results. But, if that's the case, I'd still like to know where all the ladies went online for adult fun. Has virtual reality taken off? (half-joking) I don't feel like women pulled away completely from the internet and are spending their time in real-time venues more than they were in the late 90's/early 2000's...but that would be a great, simple answer to all this if it were true.

So...one of my main goals still remains to improve the online sexual relations between men and women. This would look like men and women engaging in online sexual play/exploration more often, and both parties reporting that they enjoyed their time spent together on these sites. I maintain my premise that this used to happen more in the early years of the internet. I think one of the biggest challenges (mentioned before) is that men do seem to be more visually-oriented (ie, often preferring porn and cam to written stories and words on a screen), but this has not changed in 15-20 years. I also know that I can still enjoy a good voice-chat or text-based roleplay/tease-session if my partner is truly engaged and creative. Additionally, I know women who can handle a few pics/gifs/videos (and yes, even cam) being exchanged throughout a conversation, especially when it adds to the flow of the interaction. These mutually-satisfying experiences are just much harder to find now....maybe an instance of the same-sized fish swimming in a bigger pond in 2024, but I sense that this is not the entirety of the story.

Obviously it is unhealthy to spend the majority of your life at a computer screen, but it can also be fun, exploratory, and in some ways safer to let the creative juices flow in a more anonymous platform once in a while. So please consider this thread a small subset of all the psychology/philosophy/etc of male-female dynamics out there, rather than an attempted solution to all real-world relationships or a replacement for general self-improvement or pursuit of an appropriate romantic partner. Believe me, I had my hesitations about starting this because I was one of those people who fell into the "self-help"/naturalistic/real-world-first approaches back in the day, and I still have strong leanings in some of those directions. But, it's hard to deny that the internet seems to be here to stay, and I'm OK with using it as a supplement to the real world as long as I don't end up as one of those pedestrians who walks into oncoming traffic while buried on my cell phone. Having a little self-discipline helps maintain some sanity while experimenting with the modern world...

I will certainly continue to respond to posts in this thread that catch my eye, and will contribute ideas for online improvement as I come across them. Thanks again for the interest, and keep exploring!

 

[GregThickDix]

I've been to many different online adult places over the years, and in my experience, the men always outnumber the women significantly. This has a number of consequences:
1) Men get too little attention, leading some of them to try too hard and be too extreme in their approaches
2) Women get too much attention (often not in a positive way), leading some to become overly cautious, picky or just rude

I don't think much can be done to change this dynamic - it's outside of our control, and Literotica is already one of the best places I've been in terms of the ratio of women to men.

What could help, is for people to be better at stating their expectations. We are here for many different reasons, and the real challenge is finding the few good connections that share those. For example, I have no easy way of finding people who are interested in chatting about sexual content but who are not looking for sexting. And you have no easy way of finding women who are interested in voice/cam. I guess the solution could be drop-down options in our profiles that would allow us to search for the people who share our reasons for coming here. Just updating the profile text helps, but doesn't really solve the problem of finding the interesting connections in the first place. Alternatively, I guess the Personal Ads section is the way to go

Great observation and excellent advice to those who wish to have meaningful chats. I do have a few sites I specifically chat on. I also do have cam2cam sites that are pretty exciting as well. There is a format for all, just have to know which works best. Cheers.

 

[Noor]

I have tried a couple times to read the original poster’s posts, but it makes the Iliad look inviting.
I’m not saying this to be mean, but good lord man, learn to edit and be succinct.
Women don’t really have a problem connecting in chats except in finding decent men to connect with.
Women aren’t all that interested in cams because they aren’t as visual as men. Most don’t get off on men getting off on seeing them. Women are ogled by men from fairly earlier on and many are completely burnt out with men being into their bodies which are merely accidents of birth anyway.
I usually like cyber and voice, I rarely if ever do cam and only with people I know and trust, and I’m doing it for them not me because it’s distracting to me. In person would be different.
Women don’t often go into chats to look because it’s like a meat market and we have so many other places to meet men for whatever if we want.

 

[Noor]

I’m nonbinary, and not a man or a woman, but I’ll respond here, anyway. I don’t use chat rooms often now. Unfortunately, I’ve had bad experiences in chat rooms starting back when home internet first came about in 1998. I remember my friend Caitlin telling me not to go into the Beanie Baby chat rooms. I thought, “why not? I love Beanie Babies”. Within a few minutes of being in AOL’s Beanie Baby chat room, I was contacted by two pedophiles. I wish I were joking. I was 11 years old at the time. Flash forward to now (I’m 37 years old now, fwiw). I visit the Literotica chat rooms maybe 4-5 times a year. A lot of folks (especially allocishet men) assume I’m a woman. When I tell them that I’m nonbinary, they ask me if I have a penis or a vulva. That’s inappropriate. The only people who need to know what type of genitals I have are medical personnel and IRL sexual partners (although, spoiler alert: I’m never having sex so this does not apply to me). There are a lot of allocishet men who are extremely aggressive in chatrooms, too. I’ve had people demand to know my real name, email address, etc in the first few minutes of chatting. A lot of them get pissed and even hostile when I refuse to tell them. Lastly, as a reminder, consent can be revoked at any time. If someone is chatting with you, even having cyber sex, they can stop at any time. Do not harass them for exiting the chat at any point. I cannot tell you how many people (mostly men) become livid at me for revoking consent during chats of a sexual nature.

True, chat room seem to draw some of the worst. I’ve even had problems playing online backgammon. It’s been if I use a male name.

 

[Noor]

I doubt the ratio between men and women is better on pay sites since women don’t really need to pay for online sex.
The same with adult dating site. Ashley Madison claimed to have a 70/30 split, in analyst of hacked data, they had 11 million men to 12,000 women. There is some suggestion that most of those 12000 were fake and real female users were closer to 1500.

 

[write_or_wrong]

I have tried a couple times to read the original poster’s posts, but it makes the Iliad look inviting.
I’m not saying this to be mean, but good lord man, learn to edit and be succinct.
Women don’t really have a problem connecting in chats except in finding decent men to connect with.
Women aren’t all that interested in cams because they aren’t as visual as men. Most don’t get off on men getting off on seeing them. Women are ogled by men from fairly earlier on and many are completely burnt out with men being into their bodies which are merely accidents of birth anyway.
I usually like cyber and voice, I rarely if ever do cam and only with people I know and trust, and I’m doing it for them not me because it’s distracting to me. In person would be different.
Women don’t often go into chats to look because it’s like a meat market and we have so many other places to meet men for whatever if we want.

I think your point is validated by the number of women who love going to gay and lesbian bars because they don't get hit on every 3 minutes.

 

[Hipshot1554]

In my experience, what is often wanted by women is a setting that encourages/allows for flirting in a non-intense way. I'll try to explain..

In real life, you will usually meet new people in a public setting with others around and while doing some kind of activity. Maybe you're in a bar, grocery shopping or taking a class together. When someone strikes up a conversation with you there, it's usually without an expectation of much. But in some cases it can let you spot a spark, and you might end up exchanging contact information or deciding to meet again. Sometimes it takes multiple small encounters to get to that.

In contrast, when we go to places like Lit, chat rooms or sex game sites there is very little room for those non-intensive encounters. Many guys (and some women) are looking for a fast hook-up. And even the ones who aren't will almost always be considering the possibility of some kind of sexual encounter. It can feel a bit like a meat market at times.

Some of the games I've played offer a setting where you can hang out in public places and chat with many people in a group. Kind of like an open chat room, but with a smaller group of people and with some kind of setting that provides context to conversations. Even if it's just being able to have your avatar dance or watch others, it provides fodder for those non-intensive conversations that can lead to flirting and eventually more.

These group settings tend to be very popular with women, but much less with men. I've asked some guys why that is, and the answer has almost always been that it's kind of intimidating to try and flirt with people while others are around.

I think this difference between 1-to-1 chats and less intense chats could be one of the keys to better interactions

Very interesting,,,

 

[TheEternalBeachBum]

In my experience, what is often wanted by women is a setting that encourages/allows for flirting in a non-intense way. I'll try to explain..

In real life, you will usually meet new people in a public setting with others around and while doing some kind of activity. Maybe you're in a bar, grocery shopping or taking a class together. When someone strikes up a conversation with you there, it's usually without an expectation of much. But in some cases it can let you spot a spark, and you might end up exchanging contact information or deciding to meet again. Sometimes it takes multiple small encounters to get to that.

In contrast, when we go to places like Lit, chat rooms or sex game sites there is very little room for those non-intensive encounters. Many guys (and some women) are looking for a fast hook-up. And even the ones who aren't will almost always be considering the possibility of some kind of sexual encounter. It can feel a bit like a meat market at times.

Some of the games I've played offer a setting where you can hang out in public places and chat with many people in a group. Kind of like an open chat room, but with a smaller group of people and with some kind of setting that provides context to conversations. Even if it's just being able to have your avatar dance or watch others, it provides fodder for those non-intensive conversations that can lead to flirting and eventually more.

These group settings tend to be very popular with women, but much less with men. I've asked some guys why that is, and the answer has almost always been that it's kind of intimidating to try and flirt with people while others are around.

I think this difference between 1-to-1 chats and less intense chats could be one of the keys to better interactions

Perhaps the best commentary in this thread. Well said!

1- because it’s from a woman’s perspective and I pretty much already have a handle on mens’ views (er… issues)
2-it’s actionable. Something we all can take to heart and use as a guide.

Although now I think I have a crush on Lonemilf.

 

[LoneMilf]

Perhaps the best commentary in this thread. Well said!

Although now I think I have a crush on Lonemilf.

Haha - I'm flattered