Help Men and Women Better Connect in Adult Chat Rooms

[lucy_sometimes]

Hi fellow chat-goers,

The purpose of this thread is two-fold: to figure out why men and women have such a difficult time connecting in free adult chat rooms, and to work towards a solution so we can enjoy each other better on those platforms. I'm specifying "free" adult chat rooms because I have never used a paid service for this purpose, but I leave the door open for the paid options to yield better results. Having said that, I have used various free options over the past 20+ years, so I feel that I have enough experience to at least get this idea off the ground. I'll start by giving a little background of my online encounters, and then offer some questions that can hopefully stimulate the path towards some improvement. If you post that you disagree that there is a disconnect between men and women based on your personal experience, that is amazing. My only ask is that you share why you feel that your online interactions have gone swimmingly. What did he do, or what did she do, that kept things hot for both parties??

I was introduced to the internet through America Online back in my teenage years. It was a blast! You could enter random chat rooms with a click of your mouse, and talk to far-away people about anything you wanted. There was adrenaline, anticipation, all the wonderful things of connecting with strangers in a way that was mostly anonymous. I believe AIM and Yahoo Messengers became available shortly thereafter, followed by the cam/mic function on these platforms. Around this time, I also found my way to free porn and adult chat sites. Women and men were connecting on all of these chat sites at the time (even over cam), and I built up an ability to communicate effectively enough to enjoy these options with the fairer sex. I fully understand that some factors led to women being more careful on these chat sites over time (horror stories about in-person meet-ups, contemptible people taking advantage of another who gave just enough personal info to do so, etc). I also completely agree that it is important to weed out the poor players, and separate the wheat from the chaff when you have such a large pool of unknowns to choose from (and women definitely do). However, my opinion is that we may have gone a bit overboard with the caution and skepticism. There is still some anonymity to internet-based chats as compared to in-person interactions (ie, bars, clubs, parties, etc), and this should ideally allow for further sexual exploration with a willing participant. I personally find it very appealing to be able to see and/or hear my partner once there is a connection (shared interests, sense of humor, etc) over text, and continuing indefinitely with text-based chat just isn't attractive enough to me at a certain point. It has been said that some men are more visual and some women get more out of the written word, but it is also well-known that many women enjoy hearing a sexy voice (even if over a pair of earbuds).

When I log in to an adult chat site these days, there also seems to be a stark contrast in the aims of men as compared to those of women: the men seem to be looking for overt sexual play in private (mutual masturbation/teasing, giving and/or receiving sexual instruction from their partner, cam/mic play, etc), while the women appear to lean more towards commenting-on/captioning picture posts (non-nude women pics seem to be a big hit with women currently), and sometimes roleplaying over text-based chat. Ladies, feel free to correct me on that if I have misjudged the majority! Allowing for differences between the sexes, I still feel like we're falling away from the potential connections that could be happening in these chats. I feel like roleplaying may be a potential "bridge" between men and women, if the text-based play could transition at some point to at least voice-chatting (even if just to moaning or using a voice-changer, if there is true concern about sharing your real voice). Successful roleplays (those that lead to mutual satisfaction) are very tricky between most men and most women, though, and we can discuss this further if there is interest.

The anonymity of chat rooms would seem to make for a safer, less-inhibited approach for all involved to explore their sexuality, even if people are at times sharing glimpses of their voice and body from the neck-down. While I understand that showing your face or unique tattoos/birthmarks/etc on cam are reason for pause, I have found that the majority of women are just as hesitant to voice-chat over like-minded interests that they are already enjoying (pics, roleplays, etc), even if the man is ready to cam and mic from his end. This is true even in chat rooms with names like "Cam-Play," when there are many other available rooms that do not obviously imply using more of the senses. I understand that some men can be disappointing from the initial opener ("want to see my cock and cyber?"), but this is not the typical approach of the men I am speaking of here. Just as with in-person interactions, there are men who are decent conversationalists online and are there for the give-and-take of exploration and mutual satisfaction. I also understand that my experience is biased as a man, but I feel that I am reporting objectively enough to at least get some of the perceived differences on the table. So, to keep this to a readable length, and leave room for people to take the discussion in whatever direction feels most beneficial to the goals listed at the top of this post, here are some related questions to consider:

- Why are the ratios (of women-to-men) so poor in free adult chat rooms? If women go to other platforms for online sexual play with men, what are these? Maybe pay sites (where they know that men are committing something a little more tangible to the interaction)? Maybe non-sex-themed chat rooms where they can build a connection before escalating?
- Do you believe there is just too big a natural disconnect between what men and women want online for adult chat rooms to be a mutually-enjoyable, sexual playground?
- For women who have enjoyed online sex play with a man: What made the interaction enjoyable for you? Did he do something that helped keep you engrossed, or did you feel like he let you control the direction of the play? Do you enjoy speaking on mic or showing yourself on cam if you are interested during the text-based introduction?
- For men who have enjoyed online sex play with a woman over voice-chat and/or cam: Did things fizzle quickly over mic/cam? If not, what kept it fresh? What do you feel allowed things to transition comfortably enough to those options from text-based chat? Did it take multiple interactions to build comfort and rapport over time, or scheduling something for when she would have more privacy?

I appreciate you all, and hope this has not had the unintended effect of making me sound like an angry man --- far from it, and still quite curious about it all. My sense is that all involved are going to have to accept room for improvement for us to reap benefits. This is NOT an easy ask when it comes to sex differences (on par with political differences, in my opinion), but I trust that participants in the HT Cafe are a more thoughtful breed of online "philosophers." I also believe that there is still the potential for men and women to enjoy breathtaking experiences over the net. I have enjoyed online sexual interactions with women over the years, but less-so in recent times. How can we help men and women connect and explore together online again??

Happy weekend, all. Looking forward to what can hopefully be a respectful, productive venture....

P.S. This post is solely focused on ONLINE interactions between men and women, since it is unlikely that our lives separate significantly from technology any time soon. Men and women seem to connect much more naturally and consistently in-person, which is definitely a good thing, and hopefully keeps us a bit more balanced. If the end result of all this is that the internet is not the place for sexual interactions between us, then so be it. I have my thoughts about that, but will spare you for now. I'm also not yet ready to give up on the potential of it all.

I didn't have time to read the entire novel.

Some basic suggestions to improve the flow of chat in a room.

1. Brevity is your friend, but try to actually say something.

2. Don't say "Hi room". Imagine if all said hi back in a room with 60 users.

3. '.' to see if the chat has frozen is equally irritating. The chat rarely freezes. The problem is usually at your end or you accidentally clicked on the wrong pixel.

4. State your interests briefly and clearly. The room you are in gives some idea of what your interests may be, but adding which role you usually take or more details may help.

5. Everyone knows that many men use female identities in chat. As you are unlikely to marry the person and may never meet, does it really matter? If the person is articulate some online fun can be had.

6. Don't expect others to automatically be interested in your kink. For example, a Dom or bull who cuckolds other men is probably Interested in boning your wife or girlfriend. Rarely he may tolerate the idea of you fluffing and cleaning both up afterwards.

Have fun!

 

[guysachin2]

I've sent you a PM

Please send me as well

 

[ericalauren]

I’m nonbinary, and not a man or a woman, but I’ll respond here, anyway. I don’t use chat rooms often now. Unfortunately, I’ve had bad experiences in chat rooms starting back when home internet first came about in 1998. I remember my friend Caitlin telling me not to go into the Beanie Baby chat rooms. I thought, “why not? I love Beanie Babies”. Within a few minutes of being in AOL’s Beanie Baby chat room, I was contacted by two pedophiles. I wish I were joking. I was 11 years old at the time. Flash forward to now (I’m 37 years old now, fwiw). I visit the Literotica chat rooms maybe 4-5 times a year. A lot of folks (especially allocishet men) assume I’m a woman. When I tell them that I’m nonbinary, they ask me if I have a penis or a vulva. That’s inappropriate. The only people who need to know what type of genitals I have are medical personnel and IRL sexual partners (although, spoiler alert: I’m never having sex so this does not apply to me). There are a lot of allocishet men who are extremely aggressive in chatrooms, too. I’ve had people demand to know my real name, email address, etc in the first few minutes of chatting. A lot of them get pissed and even hostile when I refuse to tell them. Lastly, as a reminder, consent can be revoked at any time. If someone is chatting with you, even having cyber sex, they can stop at any time. Do not harass them for exiting the chat at any point. I cannot tell you how many people (mostly men) become livid at me for revoking consent during chats of a sexual nature.

 

[lucy_sometimes]

You can block people in milliseconds.

 

[subdudeme13]

You can block people in milliseconds.

Maybe being 11 is a factor.

 

[ericalauren]

Maybe being 11 is a factor.

Are you referring to my post about the experiences I had with CSA?

 

[subdudeme13]

Are you referring to my post about the experiences I had with CSA?

I thought your replied to

ericalauren​

 

[SPARTAN047]

I like most fetish conversations, but it's easy to leave whenever you want.