Help out a debate, if you would...

[Persephone36]

Hey Wanderer

I just read through this whole thread, and I'm sorry I missed what you were going through the last few days (I wasn't around a computer since Thurs. night)

I just have to tell you in reading everything -- I'm *thrilled* that you listened to what Chele was saying. I think she was absolutely spot on. cymbidia really summed things up beautifully above. And I can tell you from personal experience dealing with self-esteem -- that it's not something you want to introduce someone to as a D/s relationship -- unless this woman truly finds her strength.

I think it was incredibly honest what you wrote about wanting to find passion again -- and wanting to live out a bit of your own movie hero/savior fantasies. You did the smart thing putting off the idea of trying to enter into a relationship with this woman once again. She may be a good kind person -- but she's not stable. That became so clear from everything you wrote, even when you were defending her -- perhaps that was the most clear then actually -- what bad shape she is in.

You get a big hug from me realizing that you need to take a step back from exploring the Dom side of your nature for a bit -- and just working on *you*. That's a brave step -- to focus on what you need for you in the most positive and healthy way. You need now to truly find your strength and your core -- and your independence.

And kiddo -- I think you should be very serious with yourself about entering into *any* relationship until you disengage yourself from living with Little Girl. I know you've had a relationship and that you're best friends -- but you're holding onto something from the past by still living together. It's the essence of co-dependency. There's no shame in that -- but you need to be honest with yourself and recognize it for what it is -- because I don't think from what you've told me that it is a place inside you that you want to ignore. I know this may be hard to hear -- but I'm your friend, right? And I think you're ready to hear it. Until you know you can go it on your own again -- I think you need to just work on you, gain the strength that you need to not be living with LG and not complicate the matter with another relationship.

You're on the right road -- you *really* are. Keep hanging in there kiddo -- you're going to get to where you truly want to be. I know that.

P.

 

[TheWanderer]

I'm continually awed at the sophisticated level of insighful understanding - and self-analysis - exhibited by the members of this small community with regard to disparate and complex human interactions, potential and actual, especially as they pertain to that which is cradled under the BDSM umbrella.

No kiddin'! Usually any internet source will have it's share of... well, morons, heh. But I was really surprised how everyone here just speaks their mind and has really positive things to say!

I *will* be back when I feel more ready to explore D/s in depth, but for now, the focus needs to be on me for a while...

Take care, everyone.. and thanks again for all the input!

 

[Shadowsdream]

The Wanderer

You bring valuable experiences and honesty to this forum...I will be watching for your return when you feel ready to come back.

 

[TheWanderer]

I think it was incredibly honest what you wrote about wanting to find passion again -- and wanting to live out a bit of your own movie hero/savior fantasies. You did the smart thing putting off the idea of trying to enter into a relationship with this woman once again. She may be a good kind person -- but she's not stable. That became so clear from everything you wrote, even when you were defending her -- perhaps that was the most clear then actually -- what bad shape she is in.

You get a big hug from me realizing that you need to take a step back from exploring the Dom side of your nature for a bit -- and just working on *you*. That's a brave step -- to focus on what you need for you in the most positive and healthy way. You need now to truly find your strength and your core -- and your independence.

Thank you. Really.. thanks. The hard part is going to be learning not to think in terms of 'me & (???)', but just 'me.' And in time, maybe someone else, but that's not where my focus needs to be. I left her a voice mail while out at a softball tournament last night calling off the date, only to get home and have a message (predating the one I left her) that SHE had cancelled anyway... so I guess it's all good there. And I'll still be her friend and voice of reason (as I am with many other friends), but it's ultimately her choices, yeah.

And kiddo -- I think you should be very serious with yourself about entering into *any* relationship until you disengage yourself from living with Little Girl. I know you've had a relationship and that you're best friends -- but you're holding onto something from the past by still living together. It's the essence of co-dependency. There's no shame in that -- but you need to be honest with yourself and recognize it for what it is -- because I don't think from what you've told me that it is a place inside you that you want to ignore. I know this may be hard to hear -- but I'm your friend, right? And I think you're ready to hear it. Until you know you can go it on your own again -- I think you need to just work on you, gain the strength that you need to not be living with LG and not complicate the matter with another relationship.

:sighs: That *may* be the case.. it's true that I still care greatly for her and would relish another shot at the relationship, although I know nothing could happen any time soon (I need time to cement these changes I'm making as much as she would need time to see they weren't just temporary), it's still a hard mindset to get out of. However, we *are* still really good friends, and while I'd like to believe part of the reason she likes having me around is because she would miss what I contribute to her life (she's said as much, though in a friendship perspective), it's a fact that she values my opinion, as well as my company.

Really, I'm not too worried about another relationship.. and truth be told, if I moved out tomorrow, the lasting effects Sue has had on my life would affect any relationship I'm in for the rest of my life... she's taught me what it means to settle for someone less than you deserve, or something less than true love.. and I never will again.

You're on the right road -- you *really* are. Keep hanging in there kiddo -- you're going to get to where you truly want to be. I know that.

Ya know.. I really do believe that. Thanks again, Miss P! And I hope you had an awesome weekend..

 

[TheWanderer]

You bring valuable experiences and honesty to this forum...I will be watching for your return when you feel ready to come back.

Awww, you're gonna make me blush!

Thanks for your input as well, I'm definitely going to do a lot of research at your website when I pick this up again... you've got a wonderful wealth of information put together, it's very enlightening. I know I'm not alone when I express appreciation for your hard work!

Take care!

 

[Persephone36]

I hope you know, I'm not trying to judge you -- just support you.

:sighs: That *may* be the case.. it's true that I still care greatly for her and would relish another shot at the relationship, although I know nothing could happen any time soon (I need time to cement these changes I'm making as much as she would need time to see they weren't just temporary), it's still a hard mindset to get out of. However, we *are* still really good friends, and while I'd like to believe part of the reason she likes having me around is because she would miss what I contribute to her life (she's said as much, though in a friendship perspective), it's a fact that she values my opinion, as well as my company.

It's just the relishing another shot at the relationship part that makes me question, and I think your mind is there too, whether living together isn't keeping you in that place.

But there's truly nothing wrong with being in that place either -- as long as it doesn't make you unhappy with *yourself*

I do think, and I'm saying this from my own experience, that it's best to be surrounded by people who let you know that *whenever* you're ready to move on from wanting another chance at a relationship with Sue is fine. Or even if it's always a part of you and it's something that you accept -- even while starting new relationships.

I just want you to also know that there's nothing wrong with letting go and moving on. Of course, you'll never lose the importance of how she's changed your life. And I know that the depth of your care and friendship for one another means you'll always be a part of each other's lives. I don't want to suggest at all that it's a relationship you shouldn't always value and cherish. Of course Sue wants you to be a part of her life, I think there's no reason for you not to remain close to each other.

But it is also okay to just face that scary idea of having *no one* you want. Of being alone and independent, emotionally. Of challenging yourself to discover that you will *always* be okay as long as you have *you* in your life. You know that from studying Buddhism -- what an important place that is to work on getting at. That as long as you love yourself without conditions -- you will always have someone there in your life who loves you. And that will be your longest relationship in your life -- so it's the most important relationship to work on.

But moving on also means being ready to spend some time mourning what isn't going to be -- and knowing that it's okay. Of accepting what you have and not asking for it to be more. Important Buddhist teaching too, right? Acceptance. The place that gives you freedom and space for you just to *be* Not be attached to the suffering of wanting what you can't have. So different from resignation. One's a celebration and an opening up to the depth of possibilty within you. The other is about giving up living in the now.

But, whenever you reach the place of letting go of wanting the relationship to be more than friendship -- is fine. Like I said, even if it's always a part of you. As long as you keep working at loving and accepting yourself in the meanwhile. There's no pressure to do *anything* at any time. I just want you to know I believe that. I think I came off a little pushy and judgmental above and I don't think that's the way you support others, or be a true friend. Probably I was just projecting some of my judgment of myself from past relationships -- so forgive me for that.

No matter where you're at -- you have my support.

P.

 

[Lancecastor]

[BMy initial read is that I would be wasting my time in trying to start something with her, [/B]

Hey Wanderer;

Without having read any of the responses in this thread, I'd just like to say that you've answered your own question above, IMHO.

A gal an hour away who's already "seeing" 2 other guys?

My guess is you can do better than that, Wanderer.

Hell, there's probably a woman at the Starbux on the corner with only 1 boyfriend!





Lance "Dominate Globally, Sub Locally!" Castor