Helping a Vanilla wife get over her inhibitions

[FurryFury]

What is it with guys who have part of making a baby then cry about the down swing of the sex life. This is predictable and to be expected. It will get better eventually provided you are patient and understanding of the whole situation as well as helpful.

Fury

 

[CutieMouse]

Babies don't mean the end of one's sex life, but it does seriously impact one's sexuality for quite a while. (Very very very rare moment of sharing- it was during my pregnancy with my 5th, that my ex and I chose to open our marriage- I took on both my best friends as Lovers, he didn't find a suitable partner... try juggling a husband, 2 lovers, a sexual exploration of oneself, a pregnancy, and 4 kids, while making sure everyone communicates clearly, and the children aren't impacted negatively... I'm quite happily divorced and single now. LOL)

It takes months for a woman's hormones to get back to normal, plus there is a person needing you 24/7, and at the end of the day it takes quite a bit of energy (and imagination) to remember sex fosters intimacy and releases oxytocin which helps deal with the stress of being a mom... plus add any emotional issues surrounding the birth, physical discomfort which may be a side effect of the birth, etc etc etc... sigh.

My advice would be to go slowly, try not to suffer the "grass is greener" syndrom (the ex couldn't have been THAT great, or she'd not be the ex), improve your communication skills, owning your own desires, and study what you want/how you define "kink"... and please please please do try to continue to spend 1-2 evenings a week to reconnect (not having sex- reconnecting). When y'all are doing well communicatively, and you understand what your needs are, have a no pressure discussion about what you *both* want and need in terms of intimacy.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I know the kid needs attention.. I'm just feeling frustrated and hopeless right now..

well maybe the babies needs should be put before your sexual needs..how old is the baby?? if she just had the baby as you said in the post above.well that would explain alot of her 'inhibitions' and such..she's tired, wore out, etc...*shrugs* just my two cents for what it's worth

 

[FurryFury]

As usual GREAT advice Cutie Mouse!

Fury

 

[Byakuya]

the baby will be 5 months on wednesday.. my wife is tired a lot.. I find it difficult to connect with her and have conversations because our conversations mostly consist of me trying to make her feel better while she complains about something that happened to her.. I'm all for being supportive, but it seems like all she ever does is complain.. maybe she's still going through some depression from the baby.. how long do you think that could last?

I'm all in favor of putting the baby's needs first.. it's just that it gets difficult after we've done everything we can think of to make him happy but he still won't allow us to put him down in his crib.. please don't get the impression that I'm a neglectful parent.. almost every night after my wife is done breastfeeding him I go through the whole routine of changing him, feeding him a bottle if he's still hungry, rocking him, and reading to him before putting him in his crib..

but after all that's done I'd like to have some of my needs taken care of, but while I'm doing all that with the baby my wife is usually going to bed herself.. she needs like 10 hours of sleep a night to feel good.. she's also got a full-time job so that leaves very little time for us to be together.. maybe that's why I've been so horney lately..

she just had a doctor's appointment the other day but she forgot to ask about why she needs so much sleep..

 

[Kajira Callista]

There are a lot of things I can say, but i have decided on two words.

Grow up.

 

[April_Jones]

Not so sure it is a matter of inhibitions. Some people are just not into it.

yep, I've been with one of those!! and if the person isn't into it it won't be a lot of fun anyway

 

[Byakuya]

There are a lot of things I can say, but i have decided on two words.

Grow up.

please elaborate a bit.. I'd be interested in the things you left unsaid..

 

[lil_slave_rose]

the baby will be 5 months on wednesday.. my wife is tired a lot.. I find it difficult to connect with her and have conversations because our conversations mostly consist of me trying to make her feel better while she complains about something that happened to her.. I'm all for being supportive, but it seems like all she ever does is complain.. maybe she's still going through some depression from the baby.. how long do you think that could last?

I'm all in favor of putting the baby's needs first.. it's just that it gets difficult after we've done everything we can think of to make him happy but he still won't allow us to put him down in his crib.. please don't get the impression that I'm a neglectful parent.. almost every night after my wife is done breastfeeding him I go through the whole routine of changing him, feeding him a bottle if he's still hungry, rocking him, and reading to him before putting him in his crib..

but after all that's done I'd like to have some of my needs taken care of, but while I'm doing all that with the baby my wife is usually going to bed herself.. she needs like 10 hours of sleep a night to feel good.. she's also got a full-time job so that leaves very little time for us to be together.. maybe that's why I've been so horney lately..

she just had a doctor's appointment the other day but she forgot to ask about why she needs so much sleep..

she needs so much sleep because she has a 5 month old baby AND she works full time. that is understandable and defiantly to be expected. i understand the feelings of never having time to be 'together' but i'm sorry, after i had my kids i didn't much feel like 'having sex' after a day of long hours at work PLUS taking care of a baby. she complains because she's tired and needs someone to just unload on....i'm not saying you are a neglectful parent in the least, i just think you need to have more understanding of what your wife went through with labor, pregnancy and now is going through with being a full time mom plus a full time employee....unfortunately sometimes, sex has to go on hold to take care of the other things in life. try talking to her about this and about how you feel. in those times she is 'complaining' tell her of your feelings also. but i don't think you need to dive into a BDSM D/s relationship right now, maybe that needs to be saved until the baby is old enough that it isn't taking up ALL of both of your time, as it's not something to just jump into head first.

 

[Byakuya]

but i don't think you need to dive into a BDSM D/s relationship right now

you are so right! there are too many other stresses in our lives to start introducing another potentially stressful thing into our relationship.. it took me all these posts to realize it, but now it's clear to me that now is not the time.. hopefully things will settle down eventually and maybe someday we can start to explore our kinky sides.. thanks for all the feedback everyone!

 

[FurryFury]

I would recommend that when things settle down a bit and she is ready, you start having "date nights." Those would be nights that you have a sitter that you hire or family as the case may be, take that time and just be adults together.

Try not to talk about the baby or sex or anything but just to relax and breathe with each other. Remember what attracted you two to be a couple in the first place.

It helped us a great deal in those baby years.

Your wife also needs some time for herself now and then which is very hard for many women to take as they feel selfish and overwhelmed.

She also needs some time out with her girl friends.

Meanwhile you could get one of those cages and lock your goodies up. You could tell yourself you are doing it for HER. It might make you happy without pushing or scaring her too much either for sex or for kink. She doesn't even have to know necessarily about it at all right now. Just an idea.

Fury

 

[beachgurl3]

wow, a 5 month old? I think I'd like to retract my previous comments. I completely understand how tired she is. Now, may just not be the time.

If you are both working full-time, set some money aside in the budget to do the date-night away thing. Maybe even an entire night away at times. Not so sure about the valentines gift suggestion now. There are times when sleep just feels better than any sex ever could.

Use those date-nights to connect and really communicate about things other than the baby. flirt unrelentingly at those times. She still wants to be thought of as sexy and desirable, and in time she'll respond to that.

hang in there.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I know the kid needs attention.. I'm just feeling frustrated and hopeless right now..

Do you remember that little thing 'for better and worse'? You are not a child, you are an adult and if you were working a fulltime job and then going from that to another fulltime job (in your wife's case, home duties which unfortunately are not 8-5/Monday to Friday), do you think you would be craving a night of wild sexual abandon, probably followed by seeing to the baby again while your partner rolls over and goes to sleep? Add to that the thgouth of sex might remind her how she got in this impossible position where she has no time for herself, is on duty 24/7, and has had no time to recover from pregnancy and birth, and who could blame her for not feeling like a sex kitten? Despite your resentment, you did have half the responsibility for creating this child, without all the messy parts of engorged body, spiralling hormones, body organs pushed around, giving birth, getting your body back to some sort of resemblance of what it once was...give her a break, put some of that excessive sexual energy into doing something to help your wife such as cook dinner, wash nappies, laundry, massage, do the grocery shopping...and try and imagine yourself in her shoes.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

Another thought I had, was if you really are interested in being the submissive one in the relationship, show it through acts of caring and service- it isn't all about sex, ya know.

If she's really seriously dragging, her diet is good, and she's getting enough sleep, it might be worth having her OB run bloodwork for iron levels, and go over indicators for PPD. It usually takes 9-18 months for a woman to physically recover from birth, and there are some pertty wacky things that can happen to one's hormones during that time.

 

[Byakuya]

yeah, I've come to realize it's not the time to be introducing anything new into our sex lives.. believe it or not I actually do a pretty good job of being a supportive husband/father.. my wife is always commenting on how helpful I am and thanking me for doing stuff for her.. I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything.. I just hope I didn't give the wrong impression..

on a side note, I'm pretty impressed with how much wisdom I see in these forums.. most of society would probably label people who are into D/S as a bunch of weirdos.. they really have no clue..

 

[MasterPhoenix]

good luck with it...

 

[enpassant18]

How my ex got me into bondage

I didn't realize my dominant nature and neither did my ex. She knew herself very well, though. At first she would place my hand in her hair when we fucked hoping I would pull it. Sometimes she would cover her mouth with my hand when I was on top. I never got it. I'm certain she was very frustrated.

One day a package was sitting on the welcome mat outside our flat. It was addressed to me. There was no card. It was a book called "The Loving Dominant." I didn't manage to take it with me when we split but I remember lots of passages.

At first I just browsed from prurient interest. Eventually, I jerked off to it repeatedly. I hid it with my stash of porn in my old attache case. About a week after the book arrived, I was hooked. On a Friday night very late, I was masturbating in the bed next to her trying not to wake her, certainly not to get caught. As I started to come, she called me Master. The rest is history.

I've never told anyone about this. Thank God there's an anonymous place to share.