Helping Family Understand

[ReadyOne]

{snip}

Recently, though, I told her about my new D, and she had some concerns. She was worried that he wouldn't let me pick up the phone, so I wouldn't be able to keep in touch, or that he would restrict my time and that I'd start doing less well in school.

{snip}

Your mother is watching for signs of a kind of domestic violence, the name of which escapes me.

The end result has the person totally under control of the abuser and totally cut off from any help or support, family, friends, social institutions (e.g. church) and fully at the mercy of the abuser, who then acts very much against the best interests of the abused.

I understand you're not hooking up with an abuser. BDSM doesn't mean abuse (though abuse can look like BDSM). A good dom takes responsibility for the welfare of the submissive, which is love, not abuse.

An abuser cutting off communication with an abused is just a warning sign (red flag). Domestic Violence and Abuse is good education.

While you don't expect to get into any situation like this, knowing that you can call for help (or she can check that you're OK) is probably goodness. Make mom feel good by showing her the red flags aren't waving.

 

[00Syd]

my parents have known i was kinky ever since they made the mistake of asking if i was tying up an ex instead of the other way around and i felt the need to correct that piece of information. i know for a fact that my parents are bedroom kinky, so i had a bit of a leg up on this openness thing. even so, introducing Master to them was tough.

see, nobody likes the man that is beating their daughter. not at first anyway. even us kinky folk dont like the idea of somebody beating their daughter without knowing that they wont end up harming them. its a tough wall to climb over.

for me, ive helped out in my situation by knowing when to be open, and when to keep things to myself. with the exception of the coming-out-of-anesthesia moment in which i was calling out to Master by title in front of the whole hospital (oops) i call him by name when i refer to him to my parents or relatives. i still havnt ben able to bring myself to call him anything other then Master to his face.

ive had to realize what details might make them feel better and use those to neutralize concerns. (yes he ties me up BUT hes an experienced and well respected tie-er) (yes he spanks me BUT have i told you about SSC, the motto we try to control our actions by?).

ive also learned which details should not be shared no mater how open we are. knifeplay for xample, was a big concern of my parents. they are under the impression hat it is a lead-in to cutting and should not be ventured into. so of course, i let them think i dont do it by just not mentioning it. the light brand on my upper thigh that was done by cell popping, also something that they dont know about.

while i understand the need to feel open with the ones you care about, there are times when you may need to censor what you say.

as far as meeting P goes, try to alleviate her fears. the SSC thing really worked well with my parents. even though there are some controversies with SSC vs RACK in our world, SSC is easier for a non-kink person to get.

Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out the line between being open with her and knowing where and when to censor myself. I know that she'll feel better if she knows what I'm doing so that I can tell her all the ways we are being safe about it, and I have very few qualms about telling her, but where to draw the line? VelvetDarkness' post really made me think a lot more about P in this, and maybe there are things that he wouldn't want me to divulge. I'll really have to talk to him a lot more about it. I was thinking about this completely in terms of me and my mother, but it really is all three of us, and I have two different sets of feelings and fears and worries that I need to think about it.

I completely forgot about SSC! I'll be sure to tell her about that, too. I'm sure that will help. It won't totally put her fears to rest, of course, but I think she'll feel good knowing that safety is taken very carefully.

I also think that she was actually more worried when I was playing with a few different guys. I think she is worried now because she doesn't know P, but once she meets him and realizes that he's a pretty cool normal guy, she'll be happy to know that I am working through this with one very caring guy.

 

[00Syd]

Your mother is watching for signs of a kind of domestic violence, the name of which escapes me.

The end result has the person totally under control of the abuser and totally cut off from any help or support, family, friends, social institutions (e.g. church) and fully at the mercy of the abuser, who then acts very much against the best interests of the abused.

I understand you're not hooking up with an abuser. BDSM doesn't mean abuse (though abuse can look like BDSM). A good dom takes responsibility for the welfare of the submissive, which is love, not abuse.

An abuser cutting off communication with an abused is just a warning sign (red flag). Domestic Violence and Abuse is good education.

While you don't expect to get into any situation like this, knowing that you can call for help (or she can check that you're OK) is probably goodness. Make mom feel good by showing her the red flags aren't waving.

I think she only brought this up because I had been pretty crappy about keeping in touch with her for a while not long ago But I assured her that I would never stick around with a guy who put restrictions on me like that, and that my phone is always on.

I talked with her on skype for about three hours the other day, haha, so I think she's feeling better on that front.

But I will tell her that if for any reason she suspects that I may not be "allowed" to call her or to pick up my phone, that she should check up on me right away. Maybe I'll even give her my room mates or one of my friends number just in case, so that she'll have someone she can call if she ever feels like she can't get in touch with me for any reason.

 

[Homburg]

My Master joked that he hated meeting girlfriend's parents because he always felt like he had 'I'm fucking your daughter!' tattooed on his forehead. I know you have concerns about your mom and want to be open with her but be aware also of the stress it's going to cause P. The poor guy probably now feels that he has 'I'm fucking your daughter, treating her like a slave, spanking her ass raw and taking a flogger to the rest of her!' emblazoned across his T shirt.

Remind your mom that P is still just a guy and just as nervous about getting along with your family as a decent guy should be. Some people who know little about kink assume that all Ds are swaggering alpha types with the emotional sensitivity of a housebrick but as you know, this is (generally) not the case. Of course your opinion of P is biased but you've set him quite a challenge with your openness and he may find things very awkward at first.

See my post for a perfect example. I drive for a fucking living, and I can't tell you the last time I ran out of gas. I'm usually nigh-obssessive about that, and can generally tell you how many miles I have left to empty. I was so nervous that I didn't put gas in before a 100+ mile trip, didn't pay attention to the lights on the dash, and didn't notice the beeping of the low fuel warning. And I didn't have my wallet on me. Yeah, I'm always in control, emotional sensitivity of brick, yup.

No, I was sitting there imagining a wall of pictures of a little girl with long dark brown hair and glasses, and her daddy behind her in the photo smiling like the proudest man in the world. I was imagining me in that photo standing behind a little girl with light brown hair and grey eyes, and thinking how I would feel if my baby girl told me that some guy was tying her up and beating her.

Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.


ETA: Hopefully P doesn't have kids, so he won't be in quite the same position I was in.

 

[00Syd]

ETA: Hopefully P doesn't have kids, so he won't be in quite the same position I was in.

Haha nope, no kids. Thank goodness!

 

[subwannabe]

I didn't read any of the other responses. I don't believe you realize how easy of a situation this is and I too have concerns that it's not your mother's understanding that is the issue, it is your understanding. First off, I want to say kudo's for coming out to your mother but since your dad has come out as being gay, I really don't understand what your problem is in telling him, if that is what you want to do. Back to my first points. Providing websites and other info to your mother is a complete waste of time because you are not understanding her concerns. From reading your post I don't believe your mother is that concerned about the particular lifesyle, but is concerned, as any mother would be, about your possible choice of partners. I couldn't tell from your post if you have found a particular person to share your desires with long term. In any event, your mother wants to know that the person you choose won't be abusive and order you to sever all ties with family and friends. This does happen an you are being naive if you don't think it does. The bottom line is your mother needs to be reassured that the person you choose is just a dom and not an abuser. I think she would be fine with everything if she liked the guy and realized he really was just a dom and nothing else.

 

[FurryFury]

This is a coming out thing as I see it.

Not coming out is a fear and privacy based thing. As such I believe it holds us back and makes us more fearful and stressed out in general.

Everyone must decide if they want to come out and if so, how and when for themselves. I know I haven't and don't intend to.

As I watch my daughter though I think it's not healthy to be closeted and it affects you in many more ways than one might think.

I want her to come out when she is ready. Yet I'm unwilling to do so myself.
So, I have no right to ask this of her. Therefore I won't.

I want her to not live her life in fear, even though this is very much a fear based society. I think it's a toss up as to which "sells" more, fear or sex.

I want her to be able to be who she is and the rest of the world can go to hell if they don't like it. At this point I don't really care what relatives or friends think. If they aren't wise enough to continue to love her, that is sad and their loss but I know it might also be hers.

Hopefully she will structure her life so that she doesn't have to worry for her career if she is out. I know this is my biggest concern.

I'm not out as kinky.

I'm not out as a non conservative.

I'm not out as bi curious.

I'm not out as a non orthodox person.

However, my closest, most trustworthy friends and family certainly know. I don't actually think my sex life is any of their business necessarily, but when your inclinations bleed over into the rest of your life, you should be able to be accepted IMO.

I want freedom and rights for my darling girl though. I hope she is able to attain those things in her life.

 

[subsarah1989]

So, I came out to my mother as being kinky not long after I figured out that this was going to end up being a big part of my life. We are very good friends, and so I didn't feel any nervousness in telling her. I tried to explain the dynamic to her, and did so reasonably well, I thought. She (being an awesome person) was totally fine with it, but was (understandably) worried about my safety. I reassured her, told her about all the safeguards, and she trusts me to be careful and to be safe, so, no problemo.

Recently, though, I told her about my new D, and she had some concerns. She was worried that he wouldn't let me pick up the phone, so I wouldn't be able to keep in touch, or that he would restrict my time and that I'd start doing less well in school. I tried to explain to her that neither of those things would happen and why, but she is still worried. I don't think that I can, by myself, explain BDSM and the D/s dynamic to her. I told her that I would send her some links to website that explain it.

Back when I was first discovering BDSM, all I did was read. I had a huge book marks bar of websites explaining BDSM and the various dynamics involved and the history and everything, but now I can't find it. So, I was wondering if all of you good folks could help me re-compile a list of websites that I could give to my mother to help her understand.

I really, really appreciate the help!


P.S. A discussion about coming out to family members would also be groovy. I haven't told my dad, only because I'm not as close with him as I am with my mother, and so would feel uncomfortable telling him. I feel incredibly guilty that I haven't though, since he had the courage to come out to me as being gay a few years ago. I'm still working up that courage.

P.P.S Also if anyone has any other different ways that hey helped a family member understand besides just giving them reading, I would love to know about that too! I just don't want my mother to have to worry about me any more than she already does, and to feel comfortable around P when she meets him.

I admire you for doing so and also for having such a great friendship with your mom. i am glad i live 1500 miles away so my parents don't know my lifestyle....it would be liberating to tell them someday.

 

[00Syd]

I admire you for doing so and also for having such a great friendship with your mom. i am glad i live 1500 miles away so my parents don't know my lifestyle....it would be liberating to tell them someday.

I highly recommend it Things have only gotten better.

 

[Marquis]

I guess I have a much different relationship with my family but sometimes it is hard for me to understand the need to "come out" to one's family about being kinky.

My policy has always been to answer any questions honestly and generally create an atmosphere of openness without pushing any unnecessary details. I don't need my family to sign off on my sexual preferences.

 

[MisterSir]

I don't need my family to sign off on my sexual preferences.

Ditto. More importantly, I don't want them to know what I enjoy doing sexually either, purely because it has nothing to do with them. I don't pry into their private lives so long as they don't intersect with mine, and I appreciate the same courtesy.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I find myself wishing that I could, because sometimes I do feel rather set apart from them emotionally. That's always been the case. I've always held something of myself back.

It might have been my kink-factor, before I even knew what it was. Either way, I do feel the urge to care and share at times, in a hope to bridge that gap, but the chances of it succeeding are actually fairly slim.

 

[Netzach]

I would have had a very hard time convincing my mother that my suitcase contained "props" after a certain point. I guess I could have fedexed everything around all the time, but it just didn't seem that big a deal and wasn't.

But again, generalities. If you're giving them mental pictures, it's TMI, usually.

 

[eastern sun]

My father reads the "marks of a slave" thread. We rarely openly discuss it, but I can hear its influence creeping into our conversations. I actually appreciate it, a lot; because when he expresses concern about something, it gives me a chance to take a look at it from an outside perspective.

Interestingly enough, it's also coincided with a greater involvement in his grandkids' lives. And that's a great thing for them, whatever the cause.

 

[ownedsubgal]

well i suppose in my case it wasn't all that difficult as i was never closely bonded with my family to begin with, and then once i became a slave there was about a year where my Master cut me off from all contact with those from my previous life. when people were gradually allowed back into my life (in a limited fashion of course), i was honest without being explicit. the few relatives i keep in touch with are aware that i am in a relationship in which i am strictly controlled and very submissive...they are also aware that it is not sexually monogamous. that last bit i had no desire to reveal, but it sort of crept out on its own and i had to provide an explanation. as for their reactions, they ranged from "meh," to concern to disgust. i have always been considered very odd, was never understood, etc. so i think it fit with their general idea of me.

it doesn't much matter what they feel about it anyway, as my family just does not mean that much to me, and after my first year being owned i learned that i do not need such connections in my life.

 

[intothewoods]

My father reads the "marks of a slave" thread. We rarely openly discuss it, but I can hear its influence creeping into our conversations. I actually appreciate it, a lot; because when he expresses concern about something, it gives me a chance to take a look at it from an outside perspective.

Interestingly enough, it's also coincided with a greater involvement in his grandkids' lives. And that's a great thing for them, whatever the cause.

Really??? Wow. Have you two always been open with each other about sex?

I don't discuss my sexuality with my family, and don't feel a pressing need to. I think they are a little surprised by my choice in a partner -- the dynamic may strike them as somewhat traditional. But it is what it is, and everyone gets along.

 

[eastern sun]

Really??? Wow. Have you two always been open with each other about sex?

Not really. But he is outside the box enough himself to be taken aback without being overwhelmed. Also one of my sisters has had relationships that warranted parental concern in the past - I've always been considered pretty stable and responsible, though a little distant. Sharing this has actually brought us closer.

I also think it sheds light on behavior that he's seen over the years and wasn't sure how to interpret.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I guess I have a much different relationship with my family but sometimes it is hard for me to understand the need to "come out" to one's family about being kinky.

My policy has always been to answer any questions honestly and generally create an atmosphere of openness without pushing any unnecessary details. I don't need my family to sign off on my sexual preferences.

I'm sort of on the same wave length. My daughter and I can openly discuss kink, and though she can and has at times asked advice, our conversations have usually been more on a level of generalities more so than our personal intimacies in detail. As to my parents and siblings, it is just not something which is their concern just as their personal sex life and relationship dynamic is of no interest to me. Doesn't mean we are distant, just it is not something we include in family dynamics.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

I'm with Cat and Marquis on this 'un.