how D/s changes us

[FuckMeEyes]

It has been a realistic outlet for the thoughts I've had. The kind of self-therapy that doesn't leave me feeling guilty for violating sexual expectations. It has been a method of coaxing my hidden violent nature. Allowing me to vent from deep within my soul, but wielding that energy without being destructive.

It's been a wonderful ray of sunshine that ignights loving emotions for those that have tried to please me and has been an undenieable compliment to me even in my most coldest of moods. It has not changed me, but has changed my own self-restraint. I have not felt assurance so great, in being open with someone about the reality of me, as I feel with a woman I lovingly dominate. It is a comforting measure in which I can gauge the value of my trust in her, which has been more difficult in my life than seeing the value of her trust in me.

I consider those relationships that extend beyond play to be sacred, among the few things in my life that truly are.

 

[faeriefire]

Thanks SG. I think you're making an important point. For me, finding the lit board was a godsend. I feel so lucky to be able to learn from everyone here and to meet some great openminded people, especially when I hear about folks who were not so lucky in their exploration. At the same time, I'm not going out and proclaiming my kinks to the world at large. Many of my friends will probably never be told, especially those I know who are rigid in their beliefs and would reject that aspect of my character. I'll probably never tell my parents, although I probably will tell my brothers at some point. For me I think it is enough to be able to discuss here, to be completely honest with K and to know for myself. This is one aspect of who I am. Outside of bdsm I'm kinda quirky and cool and very vanilla. I don't see it as compartmentalizing which some might, but I do think different aspects of my personality are stronger at different times with different groups of people. What is affirming for me is being able to acknowledge every part of myself and to know that I can embrace every aspect of 'me' without feeling guilty or dirty for being outside the bell curve of 'socially acceptable'. While part of me says it would be nice for all my friends and family to know and love all of me, there's also something nice about having a secret I can smile about and sharing it with a select group of those I trust.

 

[faeriefire]

What is QFT? from Homburg's post?

 

[twysted73]

It has been a realistic outlet for the thoughts I've had. The kind of self-therapy that doesn't leave me feeling guilty for violating sexual expectations. It has been a method of coaxing my hidden violent nature. Allowing me to vent from deep within my soul, but wielding that energy without being destructive.

It's been a wonderful ray of sunshine that ignights loving emotions for those that have tried to please me and has been an undenieable compliment to me even in my most coldest of moods. It has not changed me, but has changed my own self-restraint. I have not felt assurance so great, in being open with someone about the reality of me, as I feel with a woman I lovingly dominate. It is a comforting measure in which I can gauge the value of my trust in her, which has been more difficult in my life than seeing the value of her trust in me.

I consider those relationships that extend beyond play to be sacred, among the few things in my life that truly are.

Beautifully said.
You spoke my heart here. Bravo. Truly.

 

[Homburg]

Truer words was never spoke.

J

Thank you.

---

Exchange Mother for Father here and this pretty much sums up my POV.

There's definitely a post-discovery bliss sorta thing that happens, and it sounds like that's what you're experiencing.

Eh, not really. Been like that a long time.

 

[intothewoods]

Thank you.

---



Eh, not really. Been like that a long time.

Um, no, I meant the OP. Ha ha.

 

[intothewoods]

What is QFT? from Homburg's post?

I was confused too, but I am guessing quite fucking true.

Actually, that sounds lame. That can't be it. What DOES QFT mean??

 

[Homburg]

What is QFT? from Homburg's post?

I was confused too, but I am guessing quite fucking true.

Actually, that sounds lame. That can't be it. What DOES QFT mean??

QFT = "Quoted For Truth"

---

Um, no, I meant the OP. Ha ha.

Gotcha. You had me wondering there, ITW.

 

[intothewoods]

QFT = "Quoted For Truth"

Ohhh, that sounds a lot better than Quite Fucking True. Snicker.

Gotcha. You had me wondering there, ITW.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Sry I don't have time at the moment to thank you each and pull out quotes. Just popping in on my lunch break and thought I'd ask something: why the change if the bdsm character/nature was there all along? Why does putting a name on the players of D/s and self-identifying as a member of the ranks help? I mean some of the threads have talked about 'real' PYL/pyls and (while I don't even want to prod that sleeping tiger) from the posts it seems there is something inherent about D/s that stays with us whether we act on it or recognize it...or not. For me, I had no clue even tho all the signs were there until recently. Just curious and rambling as usual

Ok, the best way I can explain this is...

I always wanted to be a nurse. I knew I would enjoy being a nurse and that I could handle being a nurse. Was I a nurse? No.

So, in time I went to university and learned all about how to be a competent and effective nurse, how not to kill people or get sued. Each day I knew more and more about being a nurse and itched to get out of my student's uniform and actually be a nurse. Was I a nurse? No.

One day, I graduated. I was given a registration number, a whole new set of uniforms and a post in casualty. Finally, I was a nurse. However, I had zero experience of actually being a qualified nurse, treating people according to my own judgement and being personally, legally responsible for whatever I did. So did I feel like a nurse those first few months? No. I was terrified.

In time I trained in a speciality, gained experience and became confident that I really was a competent nurse. I could justify my clinical decisions with reasonable certainty. I truly know that I am a nurse.

My BDSM journey was kinda the same. You can't say you're submissive until you've submitted to someone (whether online or RL).

 

[intothewoods]

Ok, the best way I can explain this is...

I always wanted to be a nurse. I knew I would enjoy being a nurse and that I could handle being a nurse. Was I a nurse? No.

So, in time I went to university and learned all about how to be a competent and effective nurse, how not to kill people or get sued. Each day I knew more and more about being a nurse and itched to get out of my student's uniform and actually be a nurse. Was I a nurse? No.

One day, I graduated. I was given a registration number, a whole new set of uniforms and a post in casualty. Finally, I was a nurse. However, I had zero experience of actually being a qualified nurse, treating people according to my own judgement and being personally, legally responsible for whatever I did. So did I feel like a nurse those first few months? No. I was terrified.

In time I trained in a speciality, gained experience and became confident that I really was a competent nurse. I could justify my clinical decisions with reasonable certainty. I truly know that I am a nurse.

My BDSM journey was kinda the same. You can't say you're submissive until you've submitted to someone (whether online or RL).

Omg. Being a submissive is like becoming a lawyer!!!

In all seriousness though, I totally agree. Great post.

 

[Homburg]

Omg. Being a submissive is like becoming a lawyer!!!

In all seriousness though, I totally agree. Great post.

Me: "Oh, I'm a Dominant? I just thought I was a pushy asshole."

 

[FurryFury]

It's made me more accepting and aware of my desires. It's also made me more willing to communicate with others, particularly my husband about them. These are such good things!

 

[rida]

As many have said ... it is not that I woke up one day and decided to be kinky. It is always been there. What I didn't know is that there was a name for the way I felt, the type of dynamic I enjoy. I knew about S&M but my image was of the most gruesome scenarios from the Marquise's book and I just could not go past the gore (although being somewhat fascinated by it)

I have always known that I am a bit off the bell curve, but I also struggled with it for a long time. Interestingly enough it has been easier to get to grip with my not been monogamous than with my being submissive.

I think in this post feminist world it harder to shed the totally in control woman role than to shed the good-girl vs easy-girl conditioning: after all being easy is seen as been liberated and in charge of your own sexuality while being submissive is seen as a step back toward repressive days (speaking for a female submissive here).

Finding the Lit boards, reading other people's thoughts and experiences helped immensely in accepting and feeling comfortable with this part of myself. And getting comfortable made it easier to completely open up with Hubby. That in turn is bringing our already close relationship to another level of closeness (luckily he is the one that first realized my nature - and his own Dominant one - and nudged me toward exploring BDSM and getting back in the dating pool).

So how did it change me/us? on the outside I now take a bit more care of details such as polished nails, and so on. On the inside, I've stopped feeling guilty for not been able to conform to society's expectations of what a married woman mother of two should be like.

As an aside, I think that living in a society where sex and kinks are not as demonized as in the western world is a huge plus. Still, I am not going out and telling everybody: discretion is still a quality.

 

[faeriefire]

Ok, the best way I can explain this is...

I always wanted to be a nurse. I knew I would enjoy being a nurse and that I could handle being a nurse. Was I a nurse? No.

So, in time I went to university and learned all about how to be a competent and effective nurse, how not to kill people or get sued. Each day I knew more and more about being a nurse and itched to get out of my student's uniform and actually be a nurse. Was I a nurse? No.

One day, I graduated. I was given a registration number, a whole new set of uniforms and a post in casualty. Finally, I was a nurse. However, I had zero experience of actually being a qualified nurse, treating people according to my own judgement and being personally, legally responsible for whatever I did. So did I feel like a nurse those first few months? No. I was terrified.

In time I trained in a speciality, gained experience and became confident that I really was a competent nurse. I could justify my clinical decisions with reasonable certainty. I truly know that I am a nurse.

My BDSM journey was kinda the same. You can't say you're submissive until you've submitted to someone (whether online or RL).

As a nurse-in-training myself this makes sooo much sense. Thank you Velvet for putting it in this context. I guess I'm at the 'applying for school' stage of bdsm...then again it helps that K has the experience to help me avoid the pitfalls and supports my quest to learn more about myself...

As many have said ... it is not that I woke up one day and decided to be kinky. It is always been there. What I didn't know is that there was a name for the way I felt, the type of dynamic I enjoy. I knew about S&M but my image was of the most gruesome scenarios from the Marquise's book and I just could not go past the gore (although being somewhat fascinated by it)

I have always known that I am a bit off the bell curve, but I also struggled with it for a long time. Interestingly enough it has been easier to get to grip with my not been monogamous than with my being submissive.

I think in this post feminist world it harder to shed the totally in control woman role than to shed the good-girl vs easy-girl conditioning: after all being easy is seen as been liberated and in charge of your own sexuality while being submissive is seen as a step back toward repressive days (speaking for a female submissive here).

Finding the Lit boards, reading other people's thoughts and experiences helped immensely in accepting and feeling comfortable with this part of myself. And getting comfortable made it easier to completely open up with Hubby. That in turn is bringing our already close relationship to another level of closeness (luckily he is the one that first realized my nature - and his own Dominant one - and nudged me toward exploring BDSM and getting back in the dating pool).

So how did it change me/us? on the outside I now take a bit more care of details such as polished nails, and so on. On the inside, I've stopped feeling guilty for not been able to conform to society's expectations of what a married woman mother of two should be like.

As an aside, I think that living in a society where sex and kinks are not as demonized as in the western world is a huge plus. Still, I am not going out and telling everybody: discretion is still a quality.

Thank you for sharing. The post-feminist debate is definately tangential, but I do agree that societal pressure and shedding established roles or stereotypes can play into feelings of freedom. I wonder if it's more powerful to accept ourselves as different than it would be if we didn't have these desires? If we fit under the bellcurve would it feel so great to acknowledge our nature as fitting into the norm? Another tangent perhaps but interesting nonetheless.

 

[BiBunny]

Without feminism, we, as women, would not be here posting on this board. Actually, I sincerely doubt this board would even exist. Without feminism, women (and men, too, for that matter) would not be able to make the decision to be in a power exchange relationship. Without feminism, it'd still be considered ok to beat your wife WITHOUT her consent, rather than within the bounds of a consensual relationship.

Just sayin'.

 

[EmpressFi]

Without feminism, we, as women, would not be here posting on this board. Actually, I sincerely doubt this board would even exist. Without feminism, women (and men, too, for that matter) would not be able to make the decision to be in a power exchange relationship. Without feminism, it'd still be considered ok to beat your wife WITHOUT her consent, rather than within the bounds of a consensual relationship.

Just sayin'.

I agree... but that being said.. I've always thought it was sad that it seemed like Feminism was about a woman being able to do and be anything she could dream of being...

unless that dream was a housewife and mother.

 

[madetotakeit]

I don't know that I would say D/s has necessarily changed me so much as been a way to lift off the veils and really see myself as I am.

 

[twysted73]

Really this is an issue for discussion in another thread, (which I plan on starting) but I just wanted to reference it for this topic. The only 'change' I've felt in anyway is the lack of understanding and acceptance of those who love me and are already in my life.

Its like saying you have HIV at a family/HighSchool reuinion.

Watch the space around you clear.

 

[BiBunny]

I agree... but that being said.. I've always thought it was sad that it seemed like Feminism was about a woman being able to do and be anything she could dream of being...

unless that dream was a housewife and mother.

It depends on what kind of feminism we're talking about. I consider myself a fairly radical feminist, but I'm all about equity, too. I think if somebody wants to be a housewife and a mother, then it's her choice and should be respected. I also think that the majority of feminists feel this way, too. It's the loud-mouthed asshole minority that gets most of the attention, though, like the loud-mouthed asshole minority always does. This applies to people of any race, religion, gender, etc.

I just hate to see people "blame" feminism for *whatever* when they wouldn't be where they are today without the movement.

 

[graceanne]

I'm more accepting of myself. Since acknowledging to myself that the way I am is OK . . . it's like I don't have to pretend. I don't have to pretend to be a bad ass. It's OK that confrontations upset me, so I don't add to that upset by beating myself up. It's OK that that I'm not like my mom, that I feel no need to conquer the world or become a millionaire or whatever.

As for me and K's relationship, it's helped, I think. Once again, it's OK to let him take control. It doesn't make me weak, I'm strong in other ways. And it's reduced some power struggles we were having. And it's been great for our sex life - added some spice.

 

[Netzach]

I agree... but that being said.. I've always thought it was sad that it seemed like Feminism was about a woman being able to do and be anything she could dream of being...

unless that dream was a housewife and mother.

When the wife and mom raises an 18 year old daughter who can go out and get a job without having to blow her boss, and doesn't get asked if she's planning on having any children at the interview, then she can continue to tell feminists how badly oppressed she is by their agenda.

If people bother to get their idea of feminism from some actual people and not whatever they're putting on FOX news lately, you'll find that breastfeeding, child abuse prevention, access to child care, and health care for single women with their children are hotter button issues than making suzie feel bad she wants babies.

 

[notalwaysweak]

Your terrible sentence rings true! I concur

that sentence was absolutely perfect.

Awww, thank you!

 

[rida]

....

I just hate to see people "blame" feminism for *whatever* when they wouldn't be where they are today without the movement.

....

If people bother to get their idea of feminism from some actual people and not whatever they're putting on FOX news lately, you'll find that breastfeeding, child abuse prevention, access to child care, and health care for single women with their children are hotter button issues than making suzie feel bad she wants babies.

I would like to apologize for using the word "feminism" in a way that sounded derogatory. I guess I should have used a different word to express what I meant.

There is not denying that in reality there still is a lot to do before equal right and opportunities are reached. But at the same time I guess it is easy to forget how much we own to the movement for all the opportunities we have.

 

[faeriefire]

I don't know that I would say D/s has necessarily changed me so much as been a way to lift off the veils and really see myself as I am.

I like that...being honest with yourself. So often I think people trick themselves into hiding anything they aren't comfortable with, locking it in and throwing away the key. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Lifting the veil...what a beautiful image.