How do I give a fuck?

[PuckIt]

Not a real big fan of mirrors for a while now.

Don't know why, but I was in the bathroom and happened to look up and catch a glimpse of myself. Not my face. My chest. And my built-in fur coat happened to be split just right for me to see something that I'd all but forgotten about.

I have a scar about the size of the tip of my index finger in the middle of my sternum for about thirty-four years or so now.

Rainy days, rainy days won't you go away.
I dunno why, dunno why I been feeling this way.
Look in the mirror, I don't like what I see.

Yeah. I don't know.

All told, I think I'd rather be skydiving.

 

[PuckIt]

Valentine's Day

She's been gone four months and 9 days.


I did get a dinky little cheesy plastic rose with an LED in it and rinky-dink one dollar box of chocolate to put on her bedtable/shrine. I've got the light in the rose turned on and pointed at the picture from our wedding announcement while I play the song I sang for her at our wedding.

I probably shouldn't have, but I noticed a thread on a forum I don't usually pay much attention to that asked, "How did you meet your wife?" So, I put in our story.

But, I've already been threatened I'll be kidnapped as soon as that friend of ours gets out of work and dragged, probably kicking and screaming, out of here. At least to go to "a real grocery store to get some real food."

 

[Bramblethorn]

I may have said this before, but you have a good friend there, Puck.

 

[PuckIt]

Still banging along

It's been five months and seven days. The Fifth was rough, but that wasn't really a surprise after the last three Fifths rolled over my heart and head.

I'm mostly alright when I've got a story idea I'm working on and fully invested in. It's only when I hit submit on one and start trying to come up with the next idea I feel is worth seeing through to escape into that I struggle. And since I recently submitted Prank War to the April Fools Day contest (which, yes, was intended to be a prank on readers as well [and ha! I can too write short!]), I found myself at loose ends as the next Contest isn't until Nude Day in July.

So, I went fishing for a diversion... and somehow got pranked (or punked) by our illustrious webmistress into leading a gang of adventurers into the Dragon's Lair on Geek Pride Day. Which might be just a bit more of a distraction than I was hoping for.

Not to mention being the party leader makes me feel like I'd damn sure better be able to throw the 20 sided die for my own usually semi-literate effort. :caning: Well played, Mistress Laurel. Well played.

But, yes. Between writing (you really don't want to see my recycle bin with all the stuff that wasn't good enough to share), the four-footed ones being pretty constant nags, and all the friendship and compassion offered here in open forum, through PMs, and in my email, I'm still holding on most days despite continuing to miss her just a little less than I would imagine I would miss a lung or limb.

Oh, and of course you are correct Bramblethorn. Christie has been a very good friend.

I admit I was brought up a little short when she brought a small heart-shaped box of candy for me on Valentine's.

But, she went on a vacation the next week to Florida and I laughed my ass off at one particular picture she showed me when she returned. A selfie on the beach with the ocean and clear skies in the background... and THREE hunks close enough together they looked like they were springing from her head. I tried to get her to let me use it for a book cover with the working title "Florida Dreaming," which made her laugh and blush since she has read some of my semi-literate efforts.

Any road, once again I thank all of you for taking the time and effort to read and offer your hands out to me as I struggle on.

May the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a brighter tomorrow.

 

[SherylSunshine]

There are times when you have to try to embrace the good memories and smile. At other times you have to cry and mourn the loss. But you always have to embrace life itself and keep moving forward one day at a time. (((Hugs)))

 

[PuckIt]

Well, we almost made it.

Throughout, I'd mentioned my father was almost eighty. He'll turn eighty tomorrow.

And, he's been in the hospital for two days now. The first in the cardiac ER.

They say we are never given more than we can handle. Some days I want to see my evaluation since we seem to have very different ideas of just what that is.

But, management is, as usual, too busy to have a word with the grunt in the trench, so I'm soldiering on as best I know how.

And, truth be told, I've been almost expecting Dad to be number three in the old adage about "coming in threes." So, there is that, I suppose. His health was already poor before we each lost our wives within a month. And "broken heart syndrome" or "Takotsubo cardiomyopathy" is a thing.

Of course, when I went up to see him yesterday, the grumpy old cuss started trying to get rid of me within ten minutes of my arrival. He sort of missed out on the fact that I had lots of practice outstubborning my redheaded delicate flower, so I not only hung out for six hours yesterday but another eight hours today.

Although today I took my little sister. And I notice he didn't try to get rid of her until he noticed I was about half asleep in the corner. And then it was for her to take me home.

Cantankerous old coot. We're almost evenly matched.

While I was there alone, before my sister rolled into town, he admitted that when he was arguing that he didn't want to go to the hospital, the nurse practitioner that sent him had pointed out that if she let him go home, he might have a heart attack and die. And he'd mumbled under his breath, "well, that might be alright."

Truthfully, I couldn't think what to say, because I couldn't really argue with him about it. I admit that quite a few times, especially right at first, I felt that way.

But, first I had the animals to look after.

And then I've made some friends through you guys, kooky as that may sound.

So, I don't experience it so much for me anymore. But, I do know what he's feeling that I can't in good conscience argue with him about it.

I do notice however that he didn't mention it in front of my sister. Then again, I made the mistake of getting a little too close to it back in November(ish) in front of her and she tore long bloody strips out of my hide for it. So, hard to blame him for that really.

I gotta admit, though, there are days I think we need to set this shit to some musical accompaniment.

Any road, thank you for those who have stopped by either in open forum, through PMs, or emails. If there is anything sane rattling around behind my eyes, it's only your support that has kept it from withering away completely through this shit storm.

 

[yukonnights]

Puck,
Sorry to hear you've got another dose of heartbreak. Nothing worse than to be in the midst of something that one has no power over...it must be okay though, right? I mean, it's the way of life and we have no choice except in how we face it and work through it. I know you know all this, but words of wisdom fail me at the moment...I know from what you wrote that you're gonna do all you can to show him that you're love will endure beyond the grave...in the end, it amazes me that love is the only thing that remains.

I really hear what you're saying about being okay when the time comes. I faced that once, and it's not scary. I worried about the ones I would leave behind...but I was just tired of fighting. Obviously, I made it through...but death is a natural part of life, and I just believe it will be more okay than we fear.

Anyway, that's not a very cheerful pick-me-up...just letting you know someone hears you. May Peace be your portion in these difficult days ~ YN

 

[PuckIt]

Fuck around, but I'm getting really tired of this shitstorm.

But, we've got Dad in his assisted living placement as of yesterday (Sunday) afternoon.

Any road, thanks once more to those of you who have continued to care enough to reach out to me through here, in PMs, or via email.

 

[LanguageOfLove]

Fuck around, but I'm getting really tired of this shitstorm.

But, we've got Dad in his assisted living placement as of yesterday (Sunday) afternoon.

Any road, thanks once more to those of you who have continued to care enough to reach out to me through here, in PMs, or via email.

Hey Puckit, just wanted to write in and see how you're doing. I've been away for a while. I hope you are doing well. I've had a few ups and downs myself, mostly with my husband's health and family.

My dad is also in an assisted living facility, and he's not doing too well himself. I have been worrying about him a lot myself.

One day at a time....

 

[Bramblethorn]

Glad you've at least got a placement for him. My partner's father is developing dementia but refuses to admit there's a problem, and they're still waiting for his retirement home to build the facility he needs. It's hard for everybody and I hope it's not going to take a serious accident :-(

 

[PuckIt]

A Shitty Fourth

Deleted.

 

[Saucyminx]

Deleted.

Sorry it was not so good a day my friend.

 

[PuckIt]

Thanks, Saucy.

The short version is Dad died just minutes after we left him the night before Father's Day.

And, well... Today is my birthday, but we've always done things on the Fourth since everyone was off then.

And, of course, I got to thinking about the last year...

My 23 year old cat died sometime in July or August. Yeah, I know. He was "just a cat." But, he was also my familiar and constant shadow any time I was home for twenty-three years.

In October, I lost my wife and twenty-two days later Dad lost his.

Now, Dad.

So, yeah. Four missing for this birthday that were here for the last.

Any road, like I say, I shouldn't have resurrected this thread again with yet another loss. Everybody has their pile of crap to deal with. And most piled higher than mine. And with fewer good friends that bring their own shovel.

I just need to quit feeling sorry for myself and pull up this Grammarly p.o.s. and hammer out a steamy sex scene. If I even remember what one looks like.

 

[Bramblethorn]

So, yeah. Four missing for this birthday that were here for the last.

Any road, like I say, I shouldn't have resurrected this thread again with yet another loss. Everybody has their pile of crap to deal with. And most piled higher than mine. And with fewer good friends that bring their own shovel.

Talk if it helps. I've had a bit of a bleak year too. Three friends died in their forties and my partner's father had a major stroke. Seems like there's a lot of it going round.

 

[Saucyminx]

Never apologize for feeling bad about your own problems. They are yours and you are allowed to feel what you feel, without comparing them to other people who have it worse. Someone will always have it worse—doesn’t make your life any easier.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. You have had it pretty damn rough the past year. And a cat is never just a cat.

Big minxy hugs Puck it.

 

[PuckIt]

 

[PuckIt]

So, someone up in the AH made what might have been a mistake in asking why we write.

So, I told him.


Any road, yeah. So, the one thing I didn't mention (other than maybe the fucking kitchen sink?!) was that writing is, I think, in some ways a chance for me to exert some control. Because all too often in life it seems, at least lately, that old bumper sticker from the '70s was right. "Shit happens."


But... Well, I don't know. I'm reminded of something that I used to tell my students when I was still teaching.


"At the end of the day, you can't always control what happens around you. You can't control what other people might choose to do. But, you can decide what you are going to do about it. That much control, that much power is always in your hands so long as you don't cede it to someone else. So, make yours a good day, eh?"

 

[cookiecat]

Hi Puck.

Thanks for the link and bringing me here.

Our losses are just a few weeks apart. I read through this thread and it's striking how similar the feelings of loss and grief are. I used to count the days - as in, it's been 5 months, 3 days since he died. I don't do that now.

Good for you for writing here. During my husband's illness, I wrote a blog and it was crazy helpful to spit out the anger, frustration, sadness consuming my heart. I don't write much anymore. What more can I say? I'm fucking sad. It is what it is.

Take the very best care.

 

[JaneRamsey]

*hugs*

 

[Angedesoleil]

No words, just *hugs*

... and keep the quilt. It can go to the kids later. Keep the quilt

 

[JaneRamsey]

As I stated in my original post, I lost my wife on 10/5.


And can somebody please fucking explain to me how these morons can claim on the one hand that God has a plan, but on the other every time they pray they sound like Beavis and Butthead "This sucks! Change it!" What happened to his plans being for the best? I may not be the brightest Crayola in the box, but something just doesn't quite gibe.

From the bottom of what remains of my heart, thank you.

I don't think God has a plan, if anything were all just lucky we get as old as we do without getting eaten by bears or the stray ice storm. I do take a little solace in thinking we are tiny parts in a much bigger crazy shitstorm of existence, and whatever party of that I can experience or be a part of, that makes me excited.

Sorry if that doesn't help *hugs*

 

[PuckIt]

Let Your Love Light

So, it's been a bit of a rough row to hoe for the last week. Not anything dramatic really. Just had a summer cold land on my face one day and then spread to my lungs the next and turn into fucking pneumonia or something. Not really important other than just as an explanation as to why I was out of commission for a couple of days since I couldn't sit up without passing out.

Any road, I seem to be on the mend, although I'm still a tad worried one of these coughs is going to eject a lung or something. But, better that than the weak crackling wheezes I was able to manage a few days ago before passing out. And I'm able to sit up and stick my nose around a bit.

Which is how I just happened to see this thread when it came floating to the top of the PG (which I rarely peek into).


Just the title alone spoke to me, so I stuck my face in to see what was going on. And I'm pretty glad I did.


I posted a quick, almost pithy response there since I didn't want to hijack a decent thread for my own sob shit. But, the more I reflect on it, the more I felt that I should, maybe, come a little cleaner here in this thread than I have.

I mean, I wasn't exactly hiding anything. Not in the sense that player might or whatever. Although maybe I was since it was largely out of deference to her wishes that I haven't bruited around just everywhere and anytime about her and what she's done for me.


So, backing up the narrative for a bit... Yeah, around Valentines wasn't really a good time for me as anyone who read my postings around then could tell.


Well, it was right around then that she PMd me for the first time.


Honestly compels me to admit that I'd had a few from nice and well-meaning people. I generally tried to respond in kind but didn't really go out of my way to encourage anything more. I'm not knocking anyone for anything, but I've really never been here to "play" and for sure wasn't ready then.


Now, I'm not about to discuss anything that was said to me in private, not even to confirm who may or may not have spoken to me there. Perhaps I'm just really strange, and maybe it's a holdover from my training to be a professional counselor, but I'm just a big believer that "in private" means "in confidence."


Any road, the time has worn on, as it has a tendency to do. And I looked up one day and realized I love her.


Well, that just confused the shit out everything as far as I was concerned. I mean, even just the word alone is confusing as hell. As near as I've been able to figure out that simple four letter word has at least seven disparate definitions where it can be used while still using it truthfully.


But, I tend to be a simple man and prefer simple solutions to the Gordian knot. A long, long time ago, I heard that bit about "no greater love has a man." And it left an impression. Honestly, I've probably stepped between people I didn't even really know and harm more than most here would probably be willing to credit or even want to know.


The thing is... I don't know. Maybe there is something wrong with my logic here. But, if you are willing to die for a stranger, then I don't really know that it is all that efficient a benchmark for love really.


But,...


But, what if you were hurting so much that... Well, maybe you weren't actively trying to die, but you weren't really fighting it that much either. I think... and this is just me thinking out loud... But, I think maybe in that scenario, when life wasn't really a palatable choice that finding someone that made it seem a little more palatable maybe is a benchmark of love? Forget dying for me. Do you love me enough to live?


Actually, now I think about it, that seems like it may be a half-remembered line from a movie or a book or something.

And yes, I'm a closet romantic. Bite me.

Now, here's the thing. What I think is maybe a bit ironic really. It doesn't matter so much that she actively stated that she did not want me to love her and denies returning the feeling even now. That doesn't matter so much. Would I be happy if she did? Well, sure. But, I'm fine if she doesn't because just the feeling of me caring at all, much less so much, has added an extra shine to the sunbeams, an extra kiss to the wind, and an extra wetness to heaven's tears.

I don't know. I'm probably not making much sense as I try to express what is in my mind and my heart.


And it's, I think, pretty different from what most people think. But, I think... Well, let's try it this way.


Since I began posting to this thread and ripping open my breast to allow my pain and struggle to bleed out onto the screen, several of you have posted responses in the open forum. Several more have posted me Private Messages. And one, in particular, has been a steady correspondent through email. (between thirty and a hundred messages per day depending on what else is going on is "steady," right?)


But, what I don't know if you can understand, those of you who might still be reading this, is that it's not really so much that you cared enough to reach out a helping hand. I mean, that helped. Yes. But, it was really more that you showed enough of your true self to allow me to care about you that I think gave me back a bit of a fuck to give.


(Yes, even you JaF0. Now shut the fuck up and don't embarrass either of us more than we already are, ass.)


Any road, I don't know. That's probably all about clear as mud. And if you are still coming around to read this, you've got to be some kind of masochist. But, if you are, I just wanted to say...

Don't worry so much about whether you care about me. I'm not. Just don't be shy to let me give a care about you.

Be who you are. 'Cause from what I've seen, that's a pretty cool thing.

**cue the music**

 

[Angedesoleil]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zoim_wTR1fU

One of my all time favorite lines. I love how he considers walking away. I read a fantastic thesis on this scene one time.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Ewobbit/Puck,

You know how I feel about your writing of stories, I love them. But, that doesn't come close to what I'm feeling now as I read this thread.

I'm not ashamed to say I've stalked you tonight as I stalked you two years ago after reading your posts. I've looked at your stories to read at a later date.

The depth of your words that I've read tonight almost overwhelms me... until I read that you've discovered you can care again. That pleased me so very much.

It means you've started to live again. Not that it will ever be the same, but it means you aren't giving up. I hope you never do, the world would be a much sadder place without you in it.

 

[PuckIt]

*sigh*

You know... I know how very much I owe you.


And when you wake me up because you need to pee or poop, I really appreciate it. Mere words can't describe just how much I appreciate it considering the size of your turds!


When you wake me up because you are hungry, I understand it. And I don't really mind, despite how I grumble and make you laugh.



But, when you wake me up just so you can claim my spot on the bed with your head on my pillows...

If I didn't love you so much, not least because you are absolutely adorable, I could really loathe you right this moment.