How do you ensure your emotional safety?

[cellis]

Before i type anything i want to say this is only my opinion, and by no means fits into every case.
If a person does not grow and learn from their experiences it is a problem. Humans come with built in features such as; that utoh feeling. We are supposed to listen to our guts...if you aren't then 1) you like how you are being made to feel even though you know its not a good feeling. 2) You are ignoring what you are being told by your body and mind and that is a dangerous thing to do.
BOT... do i think you shouldn't be honest from the start? nope, i think you are only setting the relationship up for failure if you aren't.
A dominant with true interest with you should be patient, and you should be able to express not wanting to reveal parts of yourself, if you cant then there is a problem you need to look at. In any relationship do you jump in the deep end without thinking about the consequences? I would hope not. Things start slow...mostly. You date, spend time together, and get to know each other first. It should be the same in a D/s relationship. All i really want to say is that is it very important to care for your submissive self and learn to do that before you jump in and hand her over emotionally or physically to another, and anyone who expects that from you from day one is only going to damage who you are. There are ways to protect yourself emotionally that do not involve deception, number one on the list is honesty. You gain more respect by saying "I'm not comfortable with that subject yet and prefer not to continue the conversation or task" then you do by saying yes Sir and then not performing the task or lying about it.

You are right on the button here, KC. I have had several Dom/mes ask for pictures of me when we were chatting. Now bear in mind that I know nothing about them, just exchanged a couple of emails at alt with one and chatted on yahoo a couple of times with the other. I have pictures and I don't mind sending them if I think I am interested in pursuing the relationship and if there is "something" there or if I think the relationship should move to another level. However, if someone asks for pictures but doesn't what to talk to me on the phone or meet in person, or if everytime we chat I have to remind the person about who I am, then I know the relationship is not going to move forward. Oh I am NOT sending them any pictures.

I don't need to test anyone buy acting out or not behaving properly. It is not a relationship until both parties agree it is. It takes time. In fact the person I am getting to know now said one of the things he liked about me was that I took the time at alt to fill out the checklists, and one of the things I said was that I had no problem letting someone know what I liked or wanted or needed.

We have spent hours talking to one another, getting to know each other. We have talked about things for the most part that have nothing to do with kink, although we have talked about that, too. It is like a long series of interviews.

It is hard. I think it is harder now than it was four or five years ago to find someone. There are a lot more people out there looking now. It does seem that any man can call himself Dom... but just because he does doesn't make it so.

 

[diebdiebdieb]

Mod edit

 

[catalina_francisco]

SPAM attack!!....edited in response. ...now back to the more interesting topic of this thread.

 

[jdmct]

doms

Seems to me that most Doms are looking either for a toy,or a sexual punching bag.
They are not the slightest bit concerned with their subs soul,let alone their pleasure.
It is all about them.


Reference upon request

James

 

[jasonlf]

Seems to me that most Doms are looking either for a toy,or a sexual punching bag.
They are not the slightest bit concerned with their subs soul,let alone their pleasure.
It is all about them.

That is by *far* the exception, in my small experience.

I'm certainly not that way. I'm looking for love with a woman who will be willing to submit with me. It's MUCH more of a spiritual thing for me than just all about sex.

 

[shy slave]

Seems to me that most Doms are looking either for a toy,or a sexual punching bag.
They are not the slightest bit concerned with their subs soul,let alone their pleasure.
It is all about them.


Reference upon request

James

You don't really want me to comment on that do you

As for the spam I have never had a spam attack in one of my threads and i missed it

Damn life is cruel.

I am doing family things over next few days, visiting parents (any want to swop) but thanks for all your responses.

Will re-read and ponder and think and post on my return.

Be good til then ..oh and James...ahhh hell, whatever i put would be cruel and mean, the mods would delete it and you would have figured out nothing....

 

[Netzach]

Have you guys been out looking for a Dom that you should have such a clear picture of the pitfalls thereof? Just curious.

There are plenty of assholes and players and there are plenty of nice guys and guys who are nice about their not-niceness as it were. The appearance of one thing, however, and the insistance on it, doesn't necessarily make it so, eh?

 

[jdmct]

netzach

Very glad to hear there are other nice guys(besides me) and that it has been your experience.
There are different types of Domination and I am not into hurting people.
As you can tell,when the a**holes take advantage of someone in that way,it infuriates me.
That is what I was trying to get at and did it badly.

Apologies,

James

 

[shy slave]

Very glad to hear there are other nice guys(besides me) and that it has been your experience.
There are different types of Domination and I am not into hurting people.
As you can tell,when the a**holes take advantage of someone in that way,it infuriates me.
That is what I was trying to get at and did it badly.

Apologies,

James

I misunderstood you James, sorry.

Netzach your right about the appearnace and the insistance of things.
This thread was inspired by speaking to pyls who time and again fall head first into either a one-off play situation that they wanted to have developed further or from pyls looking for long term relationships and finding players.

How do you ensure your emotional safety without being dishonest or getting hurt.

 

[babiesmiles]

Babiesmiles, I think you have the right idea....if more people in this world looked at things the way you do, it would be a peaceful place to be. It takes two minutes to send some positive vibes to someone, and hours to get over a grievience. Thankyou so much for bringing a smile to my face today

Thank you

 

[jdmct]

shyslave

No harm.No foul.
We know each other a little better without a drop spilled.
Hope you find what you are looking for.

James

 

[YinandYang]

Very glad to hear there are other nice guys(besides me) and that it has been your experience.
There are different types of Domination and I am not into hurting people.
As you can tell,when the a**holes take advantage of someone in that way,it infuriates me.
That is what I was trying to get at and did it badly.

Apologies,

James

I think this can happen in any relationship we encounter, whether it be nilla or not. There will always be a certain amount of holding back the trust until such time that things develop and the person learns to trust over time. To trust someone 100% on first meeting, no matter how submissive it may be is wrong.

To be able to say prior to a poly relationship 'I will not fall for this person' is kind of like setting unrealistic goals, we never know how we are going to feel. Whilst the idea (as a fantasy) of a poly relationship seems appealing to me, I know that because of my sensitive and fragile interior I wouldn't last two minutes, so...I don't and couldn't go there.

Years ago i was 'seeing' a friend of mine, for sex in between relationships, after a while I had to end it as I could feel myself getting in too deep and falling for this guy, but he didn't feel the same.

So...my ultimate question is, and maybe this will help Shyslave with some answers, do guys in particular find it easy to have casual non commital relationships?

James, there are some bad guys out there, who perhaps would use the D/s relationship as an excuse for manipulation on their part, but this I think goes across the spectrum in all kinds of relationships, and there are some nasty women out there too. Its impossible to tell maybe until its too late. I guess the answer is to learn from mistakes and move forward with that experience under our belts, and hope we don't get bitten again, or at least listen to the warning signs

 

[serijules]

My first relationship was a classic "I am Dom, hear me roar!" type sub-collector. If you were to take every single red flag warning of a wannabe dom and lump them together...you'd have my first dom. lol He's hurt dozens of women over the years...yet he still thinks he is all that, he just can't even comprehend the hurt that he's done. Because of that, I'm not very wary of male dominants in general because I just can't figure out how I let this man hurt me like that. I ended the relationship on good terms, but he later turned on me and told me what a horrible sub I was, blah blah blah. Emotional Safety Lesson in that relationship? Listen to your instincts...they are smarter than your heart at times.

My second relationship was one of those "You are not really my Dom but I'll let you control me at your whim anyhow" type things. He convinced me to fly to Chicago and meet him when he was there on business from South Africa. He intended to cane me...and convinced me that his skills were very good. I had a hard set rule that I never get caned in punishment, and that I never let anyone cane me that I haven't seen cane someone else first. I broke both of these rules, and was physically and mentally scarred for years from that visit...especially since afterwards he dropped off the face of the earth, changed his messanger nicks, didn't reply to emails, etc. His skills with the cane and with handling the emotional intensity of punishment were horrible. It was by far the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. Emotional Safety Lesson in that relationship? Listen to your instincts...they are smarter than your heart at times.


My last relationship was a lot better, and mostly ended because we just had different needs and couldn't meet each others' expectations, however...I knew going into that relationship that she would not be able to give me the things I needed, and I foolishly let myself think that was ok, that it was worth giving up a little for what I thought I would gain. Albeit unintentionally, that relationship scarred me as well. Emotional Safety Lesson in that relationship? Listen to your instincts...they are smarter than your heart at times.

Sense a theme here? From my very first BDSM relationships, I have had this little voice in my head that sees the warning signs, that senses the reasons I should not trust or let myself get too carried away in that relationship or with that person. I think most of us see these things and sense these things...we just try to convince ourselves otherwise, or try to force the good to outbalance the bad so we have an excuse to ignore the bad.

Not to say that a good relationship will be a perfect relationship...my current relationship is worlds apart from my previous ones, but we still certainly have our differences and our moments of miscommunication and even hurt. That's normal. That's expected. The difference is, instead of a little voice in our heads and hearts telling us these things, our real voices do the talking; by communicating and discussing these problems and issues with each other and leaving the conversation feeling like we accomplished something and learned something from it. The mistakes are not warning signs...they are learning opportunities.

Soooo...my trick to emotional security is learning to listen to my head and not my heart, and to take those things that are in my head and discuss them with my partner. It's hard as hell sometimes, especially when the thing that is upsetting me or confusing me seems petty or selfish, but that is the only way to insure that those things won't lead you down a the road to real hurt. TALK about them first with your partner, and then with others. If you have a problem or an issue and you have to bring it to a message board to get help resolving it or understanding it, you are already on a destructive path. Your partner should be your first and foremost stop...if he or she is not there for you, than they do not have your emotional wellbeing in mind, and if you allow that to continue, than YOU do not have your own emotional wellbeing in mind, and that is, IMO, when being submissive or being a slave degrades to being something akin to a "doormat".

 

[jdmct]

yinandyang and poly

Hello Yinandyang,

The only problem you would have with poly........or being part of a "triple" is finding two people good enough for you.
Take that .
You are quite right that there are good and bad everyehere.
As far as non-commital relationships,they pretty much go both ways too.I think it has more to do with personality type than gender as to who can be there without leaving too much.It's when one person starts wanting something more or different that problems can arise.
You are very sensitive and giving.I feel that you pour yourself into any relationship to the fullest,even friendship. All the better for the world.

James

 

[pasha79]

I'm new to BDSM and this thread really gives me something to think about and what's outside the fantasy I have of it. Getting my heart broken somehow never figured in. Or how it affects people, submissives especially. Thanks for such open opinions and answers everybody.

Please don't eat me alive for a newbie jumping in

Pasha

 

[YinandYang]

I'm new to BDSM and this thread really gives me something to think about and what's outside the fantasy I have of it. Getting my heart broken somehow never figured in. Or how it affects people, submissives especially. Thanks for such open opinions and answers everybody.

Please don't eat me alive for a newbie jumping in

Pasha

Hi Pasha...welcome to Lit

I am not sure if this is a usual feeling, or whether its just me...but in D/s relationships I have fallen harder than nilla ones, does anyone else find this?

 

[madetobeme]

Very glad to hear there are other nice guys(besides me) and that it has been your experience.
There are different types of Domination and I am not into hurting people.
As you can tell,when the a**holes take advantage of someone in that way,it infuriates me.
That is what I was trying to get at and did it badly.

Apologies,

James

So jdmct, you're trying to tell us that you've never hurt anyone?

 

[jdmct]

hurting people

Never deliberately.
Would not/could not inflict physical harm on a woman.
If I have ever hurt anyone's feelings(who did not try to hurt me first) it was unintended.
You find this so hard to believe??
There are other ways to give people BDSM "thrills".Takes more effort and skill,that's all.

I call it mental restraint,

James

 

[pasha79]

Yin and Yang

Thanks! I am relieved that no one bit my head off and better yet, to get a warm welcome

 

[Netzach]

My first relationship was a classic "I am Dom, hear me roar!" type sub-collector. If you were to take every single red flag warning of a wannabe dom and lump them together...you'd have my first dom. lol He's hurt dozens of women over the years...yet he still thinks he is all that, he just can't even comprehend the hurt that he's done. Because of that, I'm not very wary of male dominants in general because I just can't figure out how I let this man hurt me like that. I ended the relationship on good terms, but he later turned on me and told me what a horrible sub I was, blah blah blah. Emotional Safety Lesson in that relationship? Listen to your instincts...they are smarter than your heart at times.

My second relationship was one of those "You are not really my Dom but I'll let you control me at your whim anyhow" type things. He convinced me to fly to Chicago and meet him when he was there on business from South Africa. He intended to cane me...and convinced me that his skills were very good. I had a hard set rule that I never get caned in punishment, and that I never let anyone cane me that I haven't seen cane someone else first. I broke both of these rules, and was physically and mentally scarred for years from that visit...especially since afterwards he dropped off the face of the earth, changed his messanger nicks, didn't reply to emails, etc. His skills with the cane and with handling the emotional intensity of punishment were horrible. It was by far the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. Emotional Safety Lesson in that relationship? Listen to your instincts...they are smarter than your heart at times.


My last relationship was a lot better, and mostly ended because we just had different needs and couldn't meet each others' expectations, however...I knew going into that relationship that she would not be able to give me the things I needed, and I foolishly let myself think that was ok, that it was worth giving up a little for what I thought I would gain. Albeit unintentionally, that relationship scarred me as well. Emotional Safety Lesson in that relationship? Listen to your instincts...they are smarter than your heart at times.

Sense a theme here? From my very first BDSM relationships, I have had this little voice in my head that sees the warning signs, that senses the reasons I should not trust or let myself get too carried away in that relationship or with that person. I think most of us see these things and sense these things...we just try to convince ourselves otherwise, or try to force the good to outbalance the bad so we have an excuse to ignore the bad.

Not to say that a good relationship will be a perfect relationship...my current relationship is worlds apart from my previous ones, but we still certainly have our differences and our moments of miscommunication and even hurt. That's normal. That's expected. The difference is, instead of a little voice in our heads and hearts telling us these things, our real voices do the talking; by communicating and discussing these problems and issues with each other and leaving the conversation feeling like we accomplished something and learned something from it. The mistakes are not warning signs...they are learning opportunities.

Soooo...my trick to emotional security is learning to listen to my head and not my heart, and to take those things that are in my head and discuss them with my partner. It's hard as hell sometimes, especially when the thing that is upsetting me or confusing me seems petty or selfish, but that is the only way to insure that those things won't lead you down a the road to real hurt. TALK about them first with your partner, and then with others. If you have a problem or an issue and you have to bring it to a message board to get help resolving it or understanding it, you are already on a destructive path. Your partner should be your first and foremost stop...if he or she is not there for you, than they do not have your emotional wellbeing in mind, and if you allow that to continue, than YOU do not have your own emotional wellbeing in mind, and that is, IMO, when being submissive or being a slave degrades to being something akin to a "doormat".

Can we just bronze this post?

 

[Netzach]

Never deliberately.
Would not/could not inflict physical harm on a woman.
If I have ever hurt anyone's feelings(who did not try to hurt me first) it was unintended.
You find this so hard to believe??
There are other ways to give people BDSM "thrills".Takes more effort and skill,that's all.

I call it mental restraint,

James

A lot of us DO like to play with physical sensation, or in my case I like to play with both physical and mental components. I've done "mental restraint" on a compliant submissive, and I've wrestled a wriggling sruggler into a net. (I'm not kidding.)

For ease of effort, I'll take the mentally bindable compliant one any day. For effort and skills demonstrated, I'll take my struggler.

 

[jdmct]

sensations

I have found the most intense sensations are produced through the mind rather than the body.
To each their own.

 

[serijules]

Because of that, I'm not very wary of male dominants in general because I just can't figure out how I let this man hurt me like that.

Errr that should say I AM very wary of....

I hate typos like that.

 

[jdmct]

serijules

There are some of us who take our responsiblility to safe guard our SO very seriously knowing how fragile they are.My SO is completely safe and knows it.
Having someone surrender to you is no excuse to abuse them or let other people do so.
Very sorry that you have been hurt and hope it never happens again.

 

[kayte]

I think is a most important subject for submissives. I know the mistakes I have made in the past and I want to make certain that I don't repeat history. As I have stated elsewhere, I am starting over looking for a new Master. I find that I am much more cautious now than I was in the past. I also find myself putting distance between those that I have been considering.

I have made a list for myself of what I need and want in a Dominant.

I think the way for me to protect myself is to sure of myself. I need to be clear about the person I choose. It takes a lot of work to keep me safe. I am ultimately responsible for the choices I make and the lessons I learn from my mistakes.

I need to listen to that little voice inside me that says something is not right. I need to look at the reality of the situation and not try to make it something it is not. I need to look at the person and if there is one little thing that bothers me, I need to talk about it with that person or someone I can trust.

Today, I find myself putting a little distance between the people I am considering and not rushing to drop to my knees.

I have been following this thread. And Cellis you brought up what may be the most important point.

We need to listen to our "little voice". And if it says run, don't wait to make sure you latched the door on the way out. We must be responsible for protecting ourselves.