How do you overcome the fear of giving up control?

[ShyVixen]

There has been some very good advice given in this thread, none more so than this:

The stronger your personality is, the more difficult and maybe even scary it will be to give up that control. It will probably take time, but you need to work on allowing it to happen.

If you desire to release control in your sexual life and submit, maybe taking it in steps will work. Define a step by step process that you feel secure with and go for it. This trusting person you find will need to be a very strong personality as well as someone who can go at the pace you can. This person should be able to test your submission, without going too fast. You will be in a fight or flight situation for a while and dealing with that might be your most difficult issue. Actually the situation will be more appropriated named submit or quit. ...

The whole thing is up to you. If you feel you want to submit in your sexual life, you have to deal with your fear of giving up control. There's no simple solution to it. Finding a person you can trust and trust totally with your safety will help. Defining safe words, and trusting your Dom will adhere to them is also a necessary part of trust...

Taking things slowly and trust are two of the most important things in relinquishing control. In my personal opinion, anyway. Three years ago I was in the same situation. My problem stemmed from trying to be a 'perfect submissive', I'd labelled myself a 'submissive' without even discovering what I was. It put a lot of pressure on me and I had the same 'fight or flight' response that DVS mentioned.

With time and trust, and the right understanding Dominant, I discovered I was more of a bottom than a submissive. So try not to put pressure on yourself to fit into any kind of role.

As time has gone on, I've realised I am more of a submissive than a bottom...or maybe my role has evolved into that.

 

[ataxia.girl]

He went really slow.

It didn't feel like it was happening.

Surprise dry bloody fucking in the ass also works so maybe he didn't go slow.

i dunno. Daddy tells me a lot he doesn't want to hurt me... That Daddy's don't want to hurt their little girls. All the extended fucking still hurts though.

 

[Sir Victor]

I believe that the answer is to do it with someone who you know really well, trust and respect. Do you have nonconsent fantasies where you simply have no choice? Works well for fantasy only obviously but perhaps you could work it into some play where you have a safe word if it gets too intense.

How do you overcome the fear of giving up control?

Lately I started to wonder if it is possible at all. I am the kind of person who takes charge and responsibility in daily life - even when not feeling comfortable with it - rather than let a less able person take the reins. When there is someone around who is better at and more comfortable in the leader role, I am all too happy to sit back and let them lead.

I have had submissive fantasies probably as long as I have had fantasies of an erotic nature but the idea of giving up control, of letting myself become so vulnerable to someone else and the danger of them taking advantage of it, literally terrifies me. Looking back at the past years, I believe that this fear even led me to become the sexually dominant partner in a past relationship. But to be honest, even when in charge, I could not really enjoy being selfish and was more focused on pleasing my partner and trying to invent indirect ways of making him happy. I was happy that he was enjoying himself, but I did not find myself truly enjoying the sexually dominant role that felt mostly like a burden.

So now I wonder if that does not simply leave me an unexplored submissive at heart, closeted by fear and if so, how could I overcome that fear and have a chance to explore these fantasies?

Have you ever experienced a similar situation? How could you resolve it?

Not sure how many terribly driven controlling like minded people with sub fantasies there actually are on this board, but I still felt like it might be worth a shot.

Thank you for your time.

 

[catalina_francisco]

How do you overcome the fear of giving up control?

Simplified, by remembering it is the only way you can achieve what you want and have the relationship you desire.

Catalina

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Kudos to you for facing this head on! When it comes to releasing unwanted fear, after all my ponderings and considerations, ultimately the answer for me was simply that you have to choose to let go of it. No one, place, situation, relationship, or thing can do it for you. You face it... question it, and strip it down until you have the truth. At that point you simply discard it.

That said, every choice serves us in some way...even bad ones. We cling to fear because we choose to. Fear thusly must serve a purpose in your life. I know for me I realized it was a convienient excuse to postpone facing uncomfortable truths. The question is commonly well, what are you REALLY scared of?... However, the question I would ask you is what benefit does fear bring you?


"You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, 'I release the need for this in my life'.” Wayne Dyer

Much love and support on your journey, you are on the brink and I think it is beautiful.

 

[Eager2TRYRU]

First of all, thank you for all your thoughts.

To clarify briefly, I am not knew to the idea of BDSM, labels, basic rules, etc. Have spent the last 6 years or so learning about the topic on and off line. But have not really considered the possibility of surrendering to another in real life before as I usually end up being the one in charge in relationships of almost any kind.

I had an experience some time ago when getting together with a switch guy did not work out for other reasons but while we were exploring the possibility, he definitely pushed some buttons that left me for once not on top. It was terrifying, being left so helpless and exposed. I disliked the experience a great deal. It also left me wondering that perhaps I keep looking for kinky people because I long for that surrender but am too scarred to give up control, so mostly kind of end up playing the dominant part, with effort, much like a chore as it does not come naturally to me in the bedroom. Playfulness does, being a take-charge person in bed does not.

I know what I expect from a relationship, how far I would like the kinky part to go and what kinky activities I have interest in to different degrees. I am just not sure how to get comfortable with the idea of giving up control and well, trusting someone enough to be able to do so. Does that make sense?

That's the key component, trust. I have been in control and in charge in almost all facets of my life until the last few years where, in the comfort of a solid relationship, I felt safe enough, comfortable enough, to allow myself to not be in control. First it was small things, moving gradually, but now I find not being in control an amazing... vacation... from the normal stress and strains of being in control my whole life. But trust is the first component.