How to get into BDSM/ sexual relationship

[Cowgirl_Roos]

So getting rid of the ass saved your ass? that‘s a shame hopefully there are some spankings in your future.

Exactly
But I hope so too

 

[babygirl4u1966]

Hi Everyone! I am a 20F (almost 21) and I have been having issues with getting into BDSM. I have all these fantasies and I watch all these videos and it's the life I want, however sometimes when I get into it, I just have this urge to just back out of all of it. I've done online chats, and videos with guys and I guess you could call it the female version of post nut clarity but once the video call or chat is over I am hit with the "do I actually want to keep doing this?" question. I think one of the issues for me is that most people who reach out to are older than 25 which is older than someone who I would like to date, even if it's online play and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I would love to be a sub and to date a guy who fits what I want in a guy who just so happens to like being a dom.

so I guess with all that said, if anyone on here is between 20 and 25 and is interested in potentially dating (obviously with BDSM play on the side) then message me. It would be nice if you are looking for a long term relationship but I would also be down for some online/ phone play for a little bit.

If you're in college, I'm sure there are a lot of sports guys that might be into that

 

[IrisAlthea]

If you're in college, I'm sure there are a lot of sports guys that might be into that

I’d rather put my money on finding someone in the friendly RPG group or something like that.

 

[nutoseen]

it might have already been said; check out FETLIFE site.

 

[IARainman]

Katie.

Find friends.
Find people you feel comfortable chatting with.
Then maybe find someone in your area to meet for coffee and NOT sex
Then maybe you can go to a munch or a club.

But continue to date regular people too. You want to learn about yourself and others. Learn what you want outside of the bedroom. Sex is a small part of the day.

Sorry I'm being a mom telling you to take it slow. But there are lots of creeps preying upon sweet young hotties.

BE SAFE

Auntie Em

Great advice, communication is so key. If you enter play without it you’re going to get hurt. If you find someone you can communicate and safely explore with, you can grow and learn what is fantasy and what you want irl. Whether that’s in a relationship or just a dynamic.

 

[Renee1967]

Hi Everyone! I am a 20F (almost 21) and I have been having issues with getting into BDSM. I have all these fantasies and I watch all these videos and it's the life I want, however sometimes when I get into it, I just have this urge to just back out of all of it. I've done online chats, and videos with guys and I guess you could call it the female version of post nut clarity but once the video call or chat is over I am hit with the "do I actually want to keep doing this?" question. I think one of the issues for me is that most people who reach out to are older than 25 which is older than someone who I would like to date, even if it's online play and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I would love to be a sub and to date a guy who fits what I want in a guy who just so happens to like being a dom.

so I guess with all that said, if anyone on here is between 20 and 25 and is interested in potentially dating (obviously with BDSM play on the side) then message me. It would be nice if you are looking for a long term relationship but I would also be down for some online/ phone play for a little bit.

slow down; you're already talking like you're 60, and regretting all the mistakes you made the last 40 years

 

[Howardstark1910]

I feel like some of my best bdsm encounters have occurred naturally. I’m not sure if I’m just lucky, but paying attention to how friends/coworkers react to you being a little submissive can go a LONG way. I was very close with my dommes and subs before realizing we really had that dynamic. Maki by small jokes and looking for reactions feels more successful for me than munches or websites. I have had some ok encounters from sites too.

 

[Boonerboy]

Yes, please please please be careful, and listen to the advice you have already been given.

That being said, it’s a wonderful time to be alive. You have access to a large community, with vast knowledge. I know all the lovely ladies on Lit won’t steer you wrong.

 

[varv]

It sounds strange. Obsessed with submission? Then what difference does it make how old the master is?

 

[Andreas_Kreuz]

It sounds strange. Obsessed with submission? Then what difference does it make how old the master is?

Because a BDSM relationship is foremost a relationship. And age difference does have an effect on the dynamic. This may be wanted (age-play) or not.

 

[base10]

Because a BDSM relationship is foremost a relationship. And age difference does have an effect on the dynamic. This may be wanted (age-play) or not.

And to me, the better the personal relationship outside of a kinky sense, the better the kinky stuff tends to be

 

[Strixaluco]

And to me, the better the personal relationship outside of a kinky sense, the better the kinky stuff tends to be

Not surprising, it correlates with trust.

I don't think I could have only bdsm sessions with someone, I need my Dom to be my partner as well. For me it goes incredibly deep emotionally.

 

[AprilTwenties]

For my way into this lifestyle, honestly I had no idea what shit I was getting into and it's evolved since then.

Long and short of it, boo, is that I started out as an adopted girl into a fairly religious background. Ended up having sex with this boy that confused me. Felt that everyone knew at church, y'know? That kinda shit. Looked online, found a web community, looked into the religion and sex thing, and then that led to looking at other shit. The online thing had all sorts of different people at fetishes - being a baby, pee and poo etc - as well as other lifestyle choices.

Found the writings of who would end up being my owner - she led a very decadent lifestyle. Drink, drugs, smoking, prostitution etc. Was married, had kids etc. That lit a flame, boo. I found it fascinating. My imagination was just off the scale! Yeah, I even masturbated over it.

Noticed she was, like, next City over so I went to see her. She was out selling herself and the whole thing just aroused me so much. Before I knew it, I blurted out that I wanted to be like her and have her lifestyle.

That was 14 years ago. I stick to her 'Programme'. She trained me, pushed me, forced me...and I enjoyed it...into this lifestyle. I've had beatings and all manner of degrading shit....and so I hook for her and give her all my earnings.

That's what gets me off. That's what keeps me going. I never knew that this was what the lifestyle was until recently. It makes more sense now.

So, I'm classed as very submissive and become this other person. I can't remember, really, who the other April was and acted. Just how I am now.

A x

 

[magic_rat]

Katie.

Find friends.
Find people you feel comfortable chatting with.
Then maybe find someone in your area to meet for coffee and NOT sex
Then maybe you can go to a munch or a club.

But continue to date regular people too. You want to learn about yourself and others. Learn what you want outside of the bedroom. Sex is a small part of the day.

This.

And at all times be safe. The kink world is huge and wondrous but you're young and vulnerable. There are guys out there who will gladly help you develop and blossom into the lifestyle but there are at least as many idiots who will try to exploit and use you.

 

[magic_rat]

I often think that BDSM is best left to the imagination. Think about it, what kind of guy really wants to hit a girl, sexually or otherwise?

I think that's a very narrow view based on a lack of knowledge. BDSM is not about men hitting women. It's way more complex than that and for many couples impact play does not figure at all. At the heart of everything is power exchange and the deep trust needed to achieve that.

Sometimes it's hard to figure yourself out, especially when you're young. I've had plenty of experiences which seemed hot in the moment but after I've had time to reflect I've decided that no, that was not for me. It's about finding your tribe.

The advice, always, is meet people in person. Guys who want to dom you online are 99.9% of the time wannabes who have no real idea about what they're doing.

Join fetlife. Find a munch near you ( usually a meeting in a bar in a vanilla situation where people can meet and greet and just get to know each other).

Also consider that one person may not give you everything you need. You want to date a 20-25 year old? Fine, but the chances of men that age being able to dom you satisfactorily are slim. Doms with the experience and knowledge and ability to give you what you want without exploiting you are likely to be over 40. You either have to accept the duality of your needs, or find a guy your age and be willing to teach him (once you figure yourself out).

Being in this lifestyle isn't always easy, especially as a beginner, and doubly so when a section of the community will see you as fresh meat, but it can be navigated successfully and it can be hugely rewarding.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Hi Katie and welcome! Let me jump on the 'young guys can learn but make sure you play safely' bandwagon. If I could go back in time to my twenties, here's what I would tell younger kinky me. Get to know him first, be friends first, see if he is TRUSTWORTHY first. Then bring up sex and BDSM interests. Start very slowly and learn together. It's fun! You can guide him to be the Dom of your dreams, if he is willing. Read "The New Bottoming Book" and "The New Topping Book" together. They are fantastic and discuss very important topics like safety, negotiation, limits, informed consent, ongoing consent with checkins, and aftercare. Those should be at least understood and enthusiastically embraced before anyone picks up a flogger or ropes. Technique with toys and tools can be learned but it is nothing without trust and care and safety! You can do some mind blowing BDSM play with just hands and voice. "Playing Well With Others" is another good book. Jay Wiseman's work is really good too. I think most of those are recommended in this very forum's library thread. I read them before I found LitE and I agree with the LitE poster who said all other decent books just echo those seminal works. Final bit of free advice, please don't wait decades like me. Yes, you have plenty of time so do go slowly but don't let shame and self doubt and others prejudice hold you back! I wish you well on your journey!