How to get over sexual trauma?

[Bighammerfucker]

I think I was pushed into sexuality I didn’t really want way, way too much in my life. It’s made me super bitter and rejecting of sex in general and for many years now often much to do with sex just makes me feel so angry, including most of the posts on this site … i don’t see how anyone would enjoy these threads about sex, I just find them offensive and angering. But it seems like others don’t feel that way, so I presume this is from like I said, most years of my life enduring unwanted sexual advances or never feeling listened to as a woman, society pressure on me to perform sexually, etc

I’m just wondering, do you think there’s a way to get back to how I once was - where I wasn’t ever very into having sex with guys (probably lesbian but I’ve never met a woman who liked me back), but at least I didn’t feel angry about sex like this, it makes me angry and judge other people who ARE sexual as lesser. I’d like to maybe try a relationship with a woman someday if I could ever get over this feeling. But I don’t know how, I genuinely don’t, it’s been years and I’ve tried therapy etc. I feel like women don’t want me, and my subconscious now feels hardwired to associate men with constant, annoying, unwanted sexualization and unsolicited offers and it’s not like I was ever all that attracted to them but now I can’t even stomach the idea … anyone got any advice on how to ease that feeling? Because potentially someday I might want to be sexual with a woman, if I ever found one who shared mutual feelings …

 

[Bighammerfucker]

Hello?

 

[LoneMilf]

Sounds like you are asking more than we can answer - especially since we don't really know your situation or what you have been through. Just from your post, I would recommend talking to a therapist though - that's probably your best chance of finding a good way to change those thoughts and views on sex.

Good luck

 

[ericalauren]

I've found the book Healing Sex by Staci Haines to be helpful to me. Also, talking with fellow survivors online.

 

[Areala-chan]

First, hon, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You've suffered a traumatic indignity, repeatedly, over the course of your life. It wasn't deserved, and it definitely wasn't your fault.

The only healer for trauma is time, and sometimes distance. You said that you've tried therapy, and it seems like you're saying that it hasn't worked. Therapy is, unfortunately, a long process, one that requires a good, positive relationship with a therapist or counselor you feel like you can trust. I've got traumas from my own past that I'm still working through now, forty years later, that require an occasional face-to-face visit with a grief counselor to help me keep moving forward. There is no magic bullet, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution to the issues you are confronting. Years of trauma take years to unwind.

What you're looking for here is beyond the purview of those of us who post here. You've said yourself that reading the sexual posts on this site often stir feelings of anger in you, and while this particular thread hopefully doesn't generate that reaction, the fact that much of this site is keyed to stories about, and discussions of, sex and sexual topics means this is probably not the best place to seek answers.

There are dozens, if not hundreds, of sites online, from other discussion forums to groups on social media, where the members are better-equipped to help you and the overall environment is better suited to recovery. I don't have experience with your specific issue, so I cannot recommend any in particular, but a trip to your local library or (if you're more comfortable with the anonymous experience) browsing online booksellers can put you in contact with books to help work through and process your own traumas.

At the start, it may seem overwhelming. I don't have the answers. But what I do know is that if you are at the point where you're asking for help confronting what was done to you, then you are ready to begin the healing process. All I can say is there will be emotions that may come out of nowhere, you will feel things you may not be ready to feel or control. Give yourself permission to feel them, and give yourself the understanding that whatever you are feeling is necessary to continue. Forgive yourself in advance for any emotions you feel aren't "correct": misplaced or misdirected anger, sorrow, even laughter are all common, no matter how inappropriate they may feel at the time or upon later reflection.

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to feel complete. You deserve to experience the world and your part in it the way you want to. It isn't wrong to want these things, and you are worthy of them. In time, with work and help from others who can support and guide you, you will find them. Not immediately, not all at once, but it will happen.

And when it does, we'll all be cheering for you, because you are a goddamn badass who is only just beginning to realize the truth of who you are. <3

 

[Vivian251]

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and that anger is totally understandable.

Take your time healing and focus on setting your own boundaries without pressure. When you're ready, you might find someone who respects you for who you are. No rush!

 

[Bramblethorn]

The only healer for trauma is time, and sometimes distance. You said that you've tried therapy, and it seems like you're saying that it hasn't worked. Therapy is, unfortunately, a long process, one that requires a good, positive relationship with a therapist or counselor you feel like you can trust.

This. I had to go through several counsellors who didn't work for me before finding some who did.

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to feel complete. You deserve to experience the world and your part in it the way you want to. It isn't wrong to want these things, and you are worthy of them. In time, with work and help from others who can support and guide you, you will find them. Not immediately, not all at once, but it will happen.

And when it does, we'll all be cheering for you, because you are a goddamn badass who is only just beginning to realize the truth of who you are. <3

All of this. Good luck, OP.

 

[Bi4Older84]

I think you definitely need to see a therapist/counselor. I hate that someone robbed you of the agency to enjoy/explore/express your sexuality on your own terms. It seems not only have they done the damage, they've managed to twist your psyche on the issue and leave a lasting mark. Please speak to a licensed person who is more well-versed in helping to treat and explore trauma. Lit is a great place to meet people who can be kind and non-judgemental, but you need a true professional to help. Good luck to you-I hope you can take your power back and lay claim to enjoy sex and sexuality the way that you want.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'd add: it's not all you! I think of myself as a sex-positive person, but there are plenty of threads here that I find tacky to outright creepy, from people who focus so hard on their sexual fantasies that they forget that other people aren't just props for their gratification.

 

[Lucien_Al]

My late wife suffered from unwanted advances and it followed her until the day she died. I knew that it had happened as a result of certain practices being completely off the table but I only found out the full details 4 days before she died and a lot of issues we had experienced over our 35 years together made perfect sense. I do always wonder if the perpetrators really comprehend that lifelong damage they do to people and their families.

She did go for therapy and while I was sceptical, she did feel it helped her.

As she got older it seems that a lot of the trauma was pushed further back into her memory and she was able to enjoy a pretty normal sex life. I will never know if they improved or she just got better at dealing with it.

I fully agree that there are many posts on here that would have been unpleasant and triggering for her but I find I tend to be selective of the posts I read and follow.

I hope your healing journey is swift and successful.

 

[Bighammerfucker]

I think you definitely need to see a therapist/counselor. I hate that someone robbed you of the agency to enjoy/explore/express your sexuality on your own terms. It seems not only have they done the damage, they've managed to twist your psyche on the issue and leave a lasting mark. Please speak to a licensed person who is more well-versed in helping to treat and explore trauma. Lit is a great place to meet people who can be kind and non-judgemental, but you need a true professional to help. Good luck to you-I hope you can take your power back and lay claim to enjoy sex and sexuality the way that you want.

Yeah, I didn’t have a bad relationship that’s why all of this is so weird. But after Covid it was like something inside me just snapped and I still don’t really understand what happened. I’ve seen therapist but no one really has changed much. Helped a little though

 

[markchamberlain]

I don’t know your situation, but thought you might appreciate an outside perspective (which is all I can give).

When I was in college, I quasi-dated a girl who told me she had been raped. I didn’t ask details. But it affected our relationship in two ways.

1. She was quite attractive, but I was super hands-off, eyes-off, everything-else-off. It was a very rigid self-imposed “friendzone.” I tried very hard not to make her uncomfortable.

2. But I can’t pretend my motivations were 100% altruistic. I could also tell she was wound up tighter than a garage door spring, and getting involved in that would be a lot of work. I’m not opposed to helping people. In fact if I followed my instincts I would very quickly be drowning in obligations. So I have to choose commitments. I detected that a romantic relationship with her would be a very large commitment, working through that deep trauma together. This was another reason I made no active effort to bridge the distance between us.

We coincidentally ended up in the same city after university, and I saw her socially in various settings for a few years. But we never went beyond platonic acquaintances.

I don’t know if she realized that she projected “caution” so tangibly, in every interaction with every person. I speculate it was not a conscious decision, and she did not fully realize how easily others felt her tension, fear and discomfort, even in benign social situations. This of course then affected her social opportunities, connections, friendships, and most of all romantic life (or lack thereof).

Perhaps this story is not the least bit interesting to you, in your situation. But it is just one person’s interaction with one sexual trauma victim.

I sincerely wish you peace and happiness.

-Mark

 

[Cagivagurl]

empathy I can offer. Going through sexual abuse is a very traumatic experience, one that might stay forever.
The posts here within Literotica affect me in a similar fashion. The rapey non con ones really anger me and I have to fight myself to stay out of the threads.
That's a fight I've lost on numerous occasions.
I can only echo what others have said. Somebody trusted to speak to. Whether it's a therapist or just a loved and trusted friend.
What I found helpful was making a journal and trying to capture the emotions. It helped me find the triggers. The anger slowly subsided...

We're all different, we all deal with shit differently.

All I can offer is support.
Stay strong and keep your head up.

Cagivagurl

 

[Bigboobbabe]

I am a survivor of sexual trauma. I feel your pain.

A site like this is going to be full of triggers for you. I have the same reaction. I have learned to avoid forums and stories relating to the source of my trauma.
Constant triggering is going to zap your energy.

I am not a professional. I don't pretend to be.

The other thing that helps me is Journaling. I like to quote the problematic text, then unravel it in my journal.

Best wishes.

 

[curioustxn]

I think I was pushed into sexuality I didn’t really want way, way too much in my life. It’s made me super bitter and rejecting of sex in general and for many years now often much to do with sex just makes me feel so angry, including most of the posts on this site … i don’t see how anyone would enjoy these threads about sex, I just find them offensive and angering. But it seems like others don’t feel that way, so I presume this is from like I said, most years of my life enduring unwanted sexual advances or never feeling listened to as a woman, society pressure on me to perform sexually, etc

I’m just wondering, do you think there’s a way to get back to how I once was - where I wasn’t ever very into having sex with guys (probably lesbian but I’ve never met a woman who liked me back), but at least I didn’t feel angry about sex like this, it makes me angry and judge other people who ARE sexual as lesser. I’d like to maybe try a relationship with a woman someday if I could ever get over this feeling. But I don’t know how, I genuinely don’t, it’s been years and I’ve tried therapy etc. I feel like women don’t want me, and my subconscious now feels hardwired to associate men with constant, annoying, unwanted sexualization and unsolicited offers and it’s not like I was ever all that attracted to them but now I can’t even stomach the idea … anyone got any advice on how to ease that feeling? Because potentially someday I might want to be sexual with a woman, if I ever found one who shared mutual feelings …

Not trying to be rude, but sometimes bad things happen to good people.

I don't have any answers for you, but the one thing I do know is that if you don't like yourself, no one else will. I would suggest that you spend some time letting go of the anger, and getting to know and like yourself. When you let go of the anger, and start liking yourself, you will find others like you too. And among those who like you, you will find someone how cares for you. The gender of your friends, and lovers, is up to you, but if you want people accept you as you are, you also have to accept them as they are. None of us are perfect.

 

[AchtungNight]

My advice is to not let the trauma define your entire life. Don’t forget it happened, but also remember your vow to find something better. If you have any good memories of intimacy, concentrate on them. Also remember times you felt good owning your sexuality, when it empowered you to enjoy it. Provided such times existed. Concentrating on these things and what you want in the future will hopefully get you back to where you want to be. If your psyche doesn’t have such times, however… I’m not sure what to say.

 

[AmberSolis]

I've found the book Healing Sex by Staci Haines to be helpful to me. Also, talking with fellow survivors online.

I realize this was posted long ago. But I just came across it, and wanted to thank you for the book reference. Bought it, reading it now. Many thanks to you for mentioning it.

Amber