How to get past this

[Que]

I have a feeling you're going to like this feedback either.

Need to change the title from how to get past this to how to hold on to my seething resentment.

You say you want to let go and the only advice you're listening to is the advice that your husband is a jerk

At issue is not whether you were intending to snoop or not at issue is whether or not he felt safe. My comments would not have changed one bit if you had simply come home from the store found him with this up on the screen and his cock in his hand.

He did not feel safe. He thought you would go ape shit. He was right.

And you just can't imagine why he would hide something from you that would make you go ape shit? I can hear it already you don't really care about what it was you just care that you were lied to...bullshit.

Enjoy your reesentment, and the feeling of superiority that must come with that.

Small wonder that he seeks this small rebellion. He is allowed by you to have absolutely as kinky of a sexlife as he wants, just so long as it goes through you as the gatekeeper for his own private thoughts and actions.

You protest that you love him and value the marriage. This isn't what unconditional love looks like.

You ever notice what women actually do when they are infatuated with some guy? They will go out of their way to make ridiculous statements in order to justify really bad behavior on their guys part. You aren't even interested in seeing it from his point of view much less in any way shape or form, making the least bit of allowances for his behavior that he is now apologized for.

Here's an idea: why don't you hold on to that resentment for about 17 years and then use it to justify your own affair in the end. Am I projecting.? Sure. But just so you know- resentment never leads to a happy marriage.

And to the guy who complain self-righteously that this guy is not giving his employer an honest days work for an honest days pay and is risking his job. You're right- it's the only place that he has any privacy cause clearly has no privacy at home.

Even after he comes clean and apologizes, its still not enough.

Must be great to enjoy hot make-up sex without having to make nice....

You still needs the validation of strangers to tell her that it's okay to still be mad.

 

[dirtysluts]

Ya know I think that you both seem to have a lot going for you. I also think it might be helpful to step back a little and not focus so hard on the fact that he was doing something without you knowing. Sex especially good kink can take a huge amount of energy and sometimes porn is just a lazy way of taking care of the itch. From what you have said about him so far he doesn't seem to me to have ever wanted to hurt you. No matter who we are with we all sometime need to travel different paths before we wander back. I find that this keeps things fresh and is healthy. You're question was how to get over it. I say stop focusing on getting your feelings a little hurt and move ahead. Sounds like a good match and be thankful for the great se life you have compared to many, many others. Cheers!

Thank you.

 

[dirtysluts]

I have a feeling you're going to like this feedback either.

Need to change the title from how to get past this to how to hold on to my seething resentment.

You say you want to let go and the only advice you're listening to is the advice that your husband is a jerk

At issue is not whether you were intending to snoop or not at issue is whether or not he felt safe. My comments would not have changed one bit if you had simply come home from the store found him with this up on the screen and his cock in his hand.

He did not feel safe. He thought you would go ape shit. He was right.

And you just can't imagine why he would hide something from you that would make you go ape shit? I can hear it already you don't really care about what it was you just care that you were lied to...bullshit.

Enjoy your reesentment, and the feeling of superiority that must come with that.

Small wonder that he seeks this small rebellion. He is allowed by you to have absolutely as kinky of a sexlife as he wants, just so long as it goes through you as the gatekeeper for his own private thoughts and actions.

You protest that you love him and value the marriage. This isn't what unconditional love looks like.

You ever notice what women actually do when they are infatuated with some guy? They will go out of their way to make ridiculous statements in order to justify really bad behavior on their guys part. You aren't even interested in seeing it from his point of view much less in any way shape or form, making the least bit of allowances for his behavior that he is now apologized for.

Here's an idea: why don't you hold on to that resentment for about 17 years and then use it to justify your own affair in the end. Am I projecting.? Sure. But just so you know- resentment never leads to a happy marriage.

And to the guy who complain self-righteously that this guy is not giving his employer an honest days work for an honest days pay and is risking his job. You're right- it's the only place that he has any privacy cause clearly has no privacy at home.

Even after he comes clean and apologizes, its still not enough.

Must be great to enjoy hot make-up sex without having to make nice....

You still needs the validation of strangers to tell her that it's okay to still be mad.

You are hilarious. You really know next to nothing about me or my relationship so it is funny you think you know so much. I am not looking for strangers to tell me it's ok to be mad, I was just looking for some objective insight into the situation.

 

[LadyVer]

The OP has said that he did this extensively while at work. I believe that in marriage there are certain expectations that we're allowed to have about our spouse that don't fall into the category of judgement. One is that they take their roles and obligations in the marriage seriously, including working when they are supposed to be working so that we don't have a sudden loss of income and possible debilitating drop in future earning potential that comes from having that sort of thing discovered. That just adds more stress and puts the marriage at risk.

A corollary to that IMHO is that we do have a right to expect that they are a person of integrity, if that sort of thing is important to us. Drawing pay when we're not actually working to earn it reflects on our character personally in a way that I don't feel is judgmental. An otherwise honest and hard working person drawing pay for a days work yet not actually earning it because they are watching porn is a possible indicator that something is compelling them to watch porn instead of work. Life problems, depression, marriage problems, etc are good places to look.

Again, just my opinion. I am sorry that your ex was a runaway train.

I think you're making more of my comment than it was intended to mean. I was just giving my opinion, not going into exactly why he did what he did or the circumstances. The issue that I was talking about was privacy, nothing more. Whether this is what the op is dealing with, I wasn't focusing on. It was more how privacy issues have affected me, than the op.

Thanks about the runaway train, although I'll say there were probably two off track trains in the marriage. I was working from the perspective then that if I was the best Christian wife I could be, I could save our marriage. Looking back, if I had really been able to listen to him without trying to be something because it was expected of me, maybe we'd still be together. Maybe not though. You never know. My motto now is, if you want a Stepford, don't look at me.

 

[Que]

Good luck

 

[bob53]

What I am seeing is his concern about being judged and not looking good in her eyes. This kind of thing is instilled in all of us in various manners from when we were small children.

This appears to be being worked out between them through open honest communication. The 2 of you may have just gotten a little rusty on being non judgmental with total acceptance of each other.

Keeping it non judgmental and feeling based is the only way forward. Live in the moment. You never really know what the next moment will bring.

There are so many ways to interpret everything that happens during the course of a day that dwelling on anything from a victim viewpoint will only serve to destroy a relationship.

 

[njlauren]

DS-
I think you are handling this well, having your H delete his account would be in effect 'shaming' him, reenforcing the idea that it is the porn that is the problem, when it isn't, obviously, so you did well. Having your own account is interesting, and a shared one is great, too, because then you guys can share what you want to share and have your own privacy...it would be really great where you could feel comfortable sharing anything, but the nice part is, you don't have to.

One of the big things here is about trust and openness. It is funny, with guys who are closet crossdressers, often the spouse flies off the handle more about the husband not telling them, the secret, even more than worries about him being potentially transgendered, gay, whatever......and the same thing comes up when a spouse admits they are trans, the bitterness and anger is often more about them not speaking out about it (course, it also isn't surprising, given how many women react to a husband who admits he likes to crossdress, it may be less than the betrayal or whatever, but still is often, sadly, vicious).....

In any event, I liked the way you handled it, keep talking about it, and keep it from being guilt about looking at porn or having fantasies, to being open about having them and liking to read/look at them in porn.

 

[TwistedJenn]

All I can say is if you have a problem with what is going on you just need to talk calmly about it. Also IMO masturbation and sex are completely different, I could probably masturbate several times a day and still want sex, masturbation is typically about a quick release. I also think that different fetishes evolve and he may just be curious and trying to find out what he likes. That is probably the biggest reason I'm here, I've always been curious about different fetishes.

 

[Debbie]

We have not been having a ton of sex lately and I guess we were in a rut. I usually dig us out. I am peeved that he was entertaining his fantasies and excluding me from them while our sex life suffered.

He knows he fucked up and has been extremly remorsful. I feel bad because I have kept him up the last two nights hashing out this shit and I feel bad that he feels guilty for this. But at the same time I am upset. I want to entertain his fantasies and he knows it but he didn't let me and our sex life suffered for it. And of course now we have had more dirty sex in the last 3 days than we have had in the last two years so he is almost being rewarded for this shit.

I am happy that I know but he tried to hide it from me and I just feel betrayed right now. And so insecure. So thank you for letting me vent. I really, really needed it.

Sometimes women want to talk something through when really the talk is done and we are flogging a dead horse.

But we keep on talking because it's what we do. We air our grievances till we feel better or think that a solution to the problem has been found.

Perhaps it might help if you both agreed to have some down time and not discuss this any further for a few days. Cooler heads can work better.

Maybe he has his reasons why you are not being intimate as often as you used to be? Some men have difficulty discussing man problems such as premature ejaculation or lumps and bumps that don't feel right. Maybe there is something he needs to talk to you about an he is finding it hard to broach the subject because he is ashamed or he doesn't want you to think any less of him.

And to be honest some women go through changes as well when it comes to hormones and menstrual cycles. At one point I was very moody and grumpy for no reason. I consider myself a fairly nice person and I did not like the way I was. I tried a few things and found Evening primrose oil helped me a lot.

If I was you I would decide what is really important to you and spend some quality time together re connecting. It doesn't have to lead to sex but caressing each other, kissing, holding each other is a very important in a relationship. Being close to the one you love is the most important thing.

I hope you can work things through in your head and together as a couple.

 

[Conager]

This was an interesting thread and seeing my post (as Que) here brought back a lot of sex-positive energy for me.

Thanks to the odious RobDownSouth for his failed effort to shame me by selectively quoting it.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=91563968&postcount=6

I wish he would just start a thread of all of the posts of mine that involve my sexual history that he has carefully curated as troll-fodder. I'd like to revisit more of 'em.