How to get some flavor in a vanilla bedroom?

[Britva415]

I don't know what her obstacles are, so I'm not sure how to remove them.

Well, you don't remove them. She does.

But she won't be motivated to work on that if she doesn't know you're worth it and she doesn't know how serious things are for you.

How serious are they? In my case it was serious enough to risk everything. Maybe you'll be fine with keeping on keeping on, if you can't get her attention.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Glad to read more of your thoughts and I do think you got some good advice, although it might have seemed harsh. You also have my sympathies whenever a couple’s intimacy and sex drive anre unbalanced it creates a lot of stress on both sides.

I see you looking for answers to the specific area of concern, but as your audience we’re always going to want to look beyond. My circumstance has some similarities to your own and I’ll share my perspective as unpopular as it might be.

Your wife sounds like a good person and a good partner to you, I can’t tell from your posts how important that is to you, but I think it’s very important to understand. As important intimacy and sex is, these are not unique situations and they certainly are experienced by women and men.

My guess is that your wife just doesn’t have a high sex drive or at least not as high as yours and she is unlikely irrespective of your efforts to change. Further the more you push the more likely she will be stressed and resentful.

In your initial posts you said your wife stated that her indicated interest, porn etc. “ It was new and i was trying." — I think this is very honest from her and you should believe her. It’s common for people to show the best most open of themselves when seeking a mate, unfortunately it was a bigger deal for you but in truth it was never the reality.

The recommendation to see a therapist is a good one, because it will help you understand what is important to you and hopefully give you some tools both to help center yourself and also with the communication to your wife. The communication however can’t be about persuading your wife but instead just letting her know what you need and what you will be doing to address it.

Without knowing the other aspects of your relationship I would say your choices are to seek what you need elsewhere or look to separate and divorce, obviously there will be many that will condemn you for having an affair and most likely at some point it will lead to separation anyway.

Bear in mind that if you do divorce you’ll see your wife after a period of time start to date and you’ll likely see that side of her again, but it will be aimed at somebody else.

In my opinion life is too short to be in a relationship where you’re not satisfied providing there aren’t other factors such as kids etc. As daunting as it might seem, there will be somebody you might just match better with.

Good luck.

One last thing, I hear your pain on the long posts on the site, typically when it doesn’t submit you should just select all and copy, refresh the browser and then paste back in, you’ll then be able to submit your post without any issues.

 

[amigayorbi]

Very insightful thread, love her but we are in a sexless marriage and I just can’t talk about it, have been uptight about things and can’t let go. Just waiting to bide time and wait till we have some more time with each other and spice things up.

 

[Darkrhytm]

Mental health and medication can also significantly impact sex drive…at the end of the day, having an open discussion without any repercussions around the cause of it (there could be a plethora of things including trauma, self image, confidence, awareness, normativeness) can only help…and make it an ongoing conversation with empathy and kindness.

 

[lowcollar]

Men have a tendency to think about sex at least 10 times as often as women. I would suggest a long honest conversation about your sex life and much more. You will find out where she is at. Some women aren't that into sex. Some men aren't for that matter. In my very fortunate situation, the more intimacy out of the bedroom, the more intimacy in the bedroom and visa versa. If we don't have sex at least twice a week, we get bitchy with each other. If we stop communicating out of the bedroom, it's more complicated getting into the bedroom.

 

[Giftboy]

Who managed to get some flavor in their boring bedroom?

Sex is a bare minimum activity and not very interesting.

No foreplay unless I go down on her. Once a year when she finally returns the favor, it's the least inspired, 60 second lick job she can muster.

I'm bordering on a sexless marriage, but she puts out just shit the time my frustration is peaking. Conversations about it are short and full of excuses. Usually ends with "I'm fine being boring"

Who's managed to fix this in their marriages?

When my Master said he was getting bored with me I did this to bring fire back into his testicles:

1. I had my whole body waxed
2. Got myself some sexy underwear- split crotch pink knickers, a slightly padded man bra, a suspender belt made from fine chains.
3. Glitter lube on my hole
4. The most wet look white pair of whore boots I could find
5. And all the other shite paraphernalia that goes to encourage Sadi-masochistic urges in another’s testicles.

Well, I can tell you, when I presented myself in this manner, my Master’s testicles were not on fire, the were feckin volcanic. His semen scorched my anal canal. It was great. It is great. So take a little clue from this.

 

[Anononly1992]

Great advice here! I've been in a similar situation. My wife has not been really interested in sex for a while. But from talking together it turns out that menopause was attributing to it. We did some research together and she is now on HRT that has significantly helped in everything she does. Obviously sex was not the driver to support her during the research and all that with menopause. But it is a positive outcome from it. We are not riding like rabbits, but she is interested in sex again...not in oral play yet (I miss that), but hopefully we'll get there.

My point is (and I don't know what age you and your partner are), but there may be other things going on that might be worth exploring!

 

[twister947]

Chocolate sauce.

 

[01Nighttrain]

Who managed to get some flavor in their boring bedroom?

Sex is a bare minimum activity and not very interesting.

No foreplay unless I go down on her. Once a year when she finally returns the favor, it's the least inspired, 60 second lick job she can muster.

I'm bordering on a sexless marriage, but she puts out just shit the time my frustration is peaking. Conversations about it are short and full of excuses. Usually ends with "I'm fine being boring"

Who's managed to fix this in their marriages?

Questions

Was your sex life exciting before the marriage?

What has changed in your careers?

What has changed in your lives, health, medicine, weight gain/loss, hygiene

If the sex wasn’t that great before the marriage, don’t expect things to rival a porn after getting married.

A new job/more responsibility at work is very stressful. Money issues, the lacking of it adds stress.

Life has issues, keeping healthy can be a problem as we age, various medications will have sexual side affects.
Many people will gain weight because of medication, weight gain can cause your partner to loose the desires because they don’t feel sexy or you are not attractive anymore because of the weight gain.
Not feeling sexy can also lead to poor hygiene, stopping shaving etc…,

Simple things can make a big difference, but don’t expect just because you folded some laundry she is automatically going to fall to her knees begging to give you a bj.

 

[Anononly1992]

Questions

Was your sex life exciting before the marriage?

What has changed in your careers?

What has changed in your lives, health, medicine, weight gain/loss, hygiene

If the sex wasn’t that great before the marriage, don’t expect things to rival a porn after getting married.

A new job/more responsibility at work is very stressful. Money issues, the lacking of it adds stress.

Life has issues, keeping healthy can be a problem as we age, various medications will have sexual side affects.
Many people will gain weight because of medication, weight gain can cause your partner to loose the desires because they don’t feel sexy or you are not attractive anymore because of the weight gain.
Not feeling sexy can also lead to poor hygiene, stopping shaving etc…,

Simple things can make a big difference, but don’t expect just because you folded some laundry she is automatically going to fall to her knees begging to give you a bj.

True, it things were that easy and all it took was to food some laundry, this website would be bankrupt

 

[MH2024hot]

My wife and I are slowly making moves towards a more expansive view of pleasure and creativity. We have a strong marriage based on mutual respect and care for each other. We both enjoy giving and receiving affection and she sees me as a good provider and father. She enjoys sex but she's not creative at all and she can go weeks without it (but when we have sex, she will cum well over a dozen times).

It's a work in progress. You have to be deliberate about it. And take some risk, which is hard to do, I'll be the first to admit. Took me over 20 years to go from default jacking off to lots of porn/ cam models to compensate for lack of sex (and being so frustrated with her to the point of cumming in my pants in VIP rooms with a stripper or two) to a decision to channel my energy back to her and see this as a long term marriage project.

 

[Easyvirtue]

I don’t know what out of the world intervention made me find this post but I am living this up to the minute! We have always had some issues but none that are relationship ending. We’ve been adventurous in the beginning of our 21 year marriage but as time goes on it looses its luster. I on the other hand I have an unquenchable desire for sex. I don’t care if it’s missionary but I want flavor to my vanilla. I probably didn’t act on it last night as i approached her in the kitchen as she was making some peanut butter and ice cream. I spun her around and basically shoved my tongue in her mouth, she made me stop. I spend most of my days fantasizing about sex with her and all the past escapades. I try to explain myself in a non sexual atmosphere and that usually ends up with me being disappointed.
How can I help her find her sexual fire again. I thought women’s drive increased with age. Me I’m still 18 at heart, LOL.

 

[curioustxn]

I don’t know what out of the world intervention made me find this post but I am living this up to the minute! We have always had some issues but none that are relationship ending. We’ve been adventurous in the beginning of our 21 year marriage but as time goes on it looses its luster. I on the other hand I have an unquenchable desire for sex. I don’t care if it’s missionary but I want flavor to my vanilla. I probably didn’t act on it last night as i approached her in the kitchen as she was making some peanut butter and ice cream. I spun her around and basically shoved my tongue in her mouth, she made me stop. I spend most of my days fantasizing about sex with her and all the past escapades. I try to explain myself in a non sexual atmosphere and that usually ends up with me being disappointed.
How can I help her find her sexual fire again. I thought women’s drive increased with age. Me I’m still 18 at heart, LOL.

If you don't like the way your life is now, then change it!!!! It's not just about sex! When you met your wife and started a relationship, life was new and exciting, but now, as good or bad as your life and relationship has been, you and your wife have become older, and like most people, life, (including your relationship), has become routine and mundane.

If you want things to improve in the bedroom, you have to make life new and exciting again. It's not your or your wife's fault, this is just what happens when you let life become routine. The problem is not in the bedroom, the problem, like many couples, you and your wife have let yourself fall into a rut, and life has become routine and boring.

 

[eesee]

I think NightL makes some good points.

I get that it can be discouraging to work at something (though I’d examine how hard you are really working in things) and not see changes. It sounds like a lot of relationships… people don’t realize how hard they have to work at a relationship to keep it functioning well. We become complacent and habits form and then rifts form little by little without us noticing. I think working on your day to day connection is still your biggest asset. Go on dates that are fun, that are freeing and playful. Have conversations that are deep and meaningful. Do something new and different, even as an individual. Surprise her. Learning to cook is a great suggestion.

It will take time to relearn passion and eroticism. But it can happen. I think if you make that the focus you’ll end up short each time though. Build the relationship and the sexual parts will come next.

Read a book. Esther Perel has a great book called Mating in Captivity. I think you’d find it intriguing.

Esthers view is interesting. The more lovers melt into each other, the more trust, that means no tension or exitement anymore. In the end you get a Deadbedroom, past vanilla.

 

[eesee]

In addition to all the good suggestions above, I have a tip. Read the book Urban Tantra [ https://www.amazon.nl/Urban-Tantra-Second-Twenty-First-Century/dp/0399579680 ] with your wife. Do the exercises from the book. It invites you to bring more playfulness. Important for the woman: out of the head, into the feeling, the heart. And you can also take small steps from vanilla to a bit of kink. It's about experiencing connection and fun together. The sex will be fine later.

 

[MH2024hot]

Esthers view is interesting. The more lovers melt into each other, the more trust, that means no tension or exitement anymore. In the end you get a Deadbedroom, past vanilla.

I absolutely agree.

Too much trust, too much knee-jerk "oh, (s)he would never stray or cheat" or "our marriage is perfect" breeds complacency. Not that being suspicious and paranoid of each other is a healthy alternative, but when we stop pursuing each other, we can end up taking each other for granted and then very bad things can happen. We often stop taking care of our bodies, gaining weight and figuring "oh, it's just part of getting older."

Nope.

I'd rather feel the need to keep a healthy watchful eye on her than making a fatal mistake that her sex drive is nothing to be concerned about, or the "we have the perfect marriage" mentality, or that love means just accepting and never challenging the sexual status quo.

 

[Qky75]

While I get the spirit of the thread, I wish there was a better way to describe sex you are personally bored with than Vanilla. Vanilla is a fantastic flavor that is popular for a reason.

Ok rant over nothing to see here.