How to Make a man more dominating...
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sweetsparkles
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sweetsparkles
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TBKahuna123
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You know, I was thinking about this the other night. I can understand why some women would want a man to just take charge, even if it wasn't what some would term domination, but just be firm and lead the encounter. This lets the woman revel in her pleasure and not worry about directing the action. This is a role I could handle.
As far as actual domination goes though, I just can't go there, it's just not my nature. I guess I view sex as too much of a two way street, giving and recieving, but never taking, if that makes sense. Even at it's most passionate and animalistic, I've always felt that both partners need to give as much as they get.
Now I'm pretty adventursome, but this just wouldn't be in my nature and I think I'd have a really hard time making myself believable in a dom role, or a submissive one for that matter. Maybe it's true that some guys just can't turn that on and off because their emotions are too tied into sex to see it as just another act? I know for me that regardless of how or where I'm having sex, there's always the same emotional connotations at the core, and that makes some things just unnatural for me to do.
Does that make any sense?
As far as actual domination goes though, I just can't go there, it's just not my nature. I guess I view sex as too much of a two way street, giving and recieving, but never taking, if that makes sense. Even at it's most passionate and animalistic, I've always felt that both partners need to give as much as they get.
Now I'm pretty adventursome, but this just wouldn't be in my nature and I think I'd have a really hard time making myself believable in a dom role, or a submissive one for that matter. Maybe it's true that some guys just can't turn that on and off because their emotions are too tied into sex to see it as just another act? I know for me that regardless of how or where I'm having sex, there's always the same emotional connotations at the core, and that makes some things just unnatural for me to do.
Does that make any sense?
M's girl
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TBKahuna123 said:You know, I was thinking about this the other night. I can understand why some women would want a man to just take charge, even if it wasn't what some would term domination, but just be firm and lead the encounter. This lets the woman revel in her pleasure and not worry about directing the action. This is a role I could handle.
As far as actual domination goes though, I just can't go there, it's just not my nature. I guess I view sex as too much of a two way street, giving and recieving, but never taking, if that makes sense. Even at it's most passionate and animalistic, I've always felt that both partners need to give as much as they get.
Now I'm pretty adventursome, but this just wouldn't be in my nature and I think I'd have a really hard time making myself believable in a dom role, or a submissive one for that matter. Maybe it's true that some guys just can't turn that on and off because their emotions are too tied into sex to see it as just another act? I know for me that regardless of how or where I'm having sex, there's always the same emotional connotations at the core, and that makes some things just unnatural for me to do.
Does that make any sense?
Makes perfect sense to me.... I wish more men (especially the ones I have come across in my life) were more like you. Honestly...
phoenix1224
Sexy Beast
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Try spending a little time apart...
Before my gf moved 2,000 miles away, I wasn't all that interested in exploring MY dominant side either. However, after we were apart for about four months, and having only porn, erotic stories, and my right hand to fulfill my needs ( ), I seemed to naturally begin to explore (at least in my mind) that side of my personality.
Now, my own imagination has created a monster... I've gone out and bought a couple pairs of handcuffs, a couple pairs of ankle shackles, a cat-o-nine tails, an 8' whip, a ball gag harness, a police baton, a leash, and a leather collar with a d-ring in front with two chains attatched that have a nipple clamp on the end of each.
Like I said, my own imagination has created a monster...
So, if you spend a little time apart (I'm not saying move 2,000 miles away), perhaps his own imagination will lead him to begin to explore the dominant side of his personality too... *shrugs*
Before my gf moved 2,000 miles away, I wasn't all that interested in exploring MY dominant side either. However, after we were apart for about four months, and having only porn, erotic stories, and my right hand to fulfill my needs (
), I seemed to naturally begin to explore (at least in my mind) that side of my personality.Now, my own imagination has created a monster... I've gone out and bought a couple pairs of handcuffs, a couple pairs of ankle shackles, a cat-o-nine tails, an 8' whip, a ball gag harness, a police baton, a leash, and a leather collar with a d-ring in front with two chains attatched that have a nipple clamp on the end of each.
Like I said, my own imagination has created a monster...
So, if you spend a little time apart (I'm not saying move 2,000 miles away), perhaps his own imagination will lead him to begin to explore the dominant side of his personality too... *shrugs*
Ezzy
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Communication, communication, communication.
Communicate how turned on you are by him being more dominant.
Communicate with stories and fiction that turn you on, give him specifics.
Communucate write a two part roll play, and ask him to learn his part and have a rollplay nght of sex. Praise him when he does well, correct him softly when he does not do well.
It is just the same way as you train a dog, to train a man use identical tactics but make the sex a more regular part of the reward (sorry my sick humor showed through there for a moment).
Communicate how turned on you are by him being more dominant.
Communicate with stories and fiction that turn you on, give him specifics.
Communucate write a two part roll play, and ask him to learn his part and have a rollplay nght of sex. Praise him when he does well, correct him softly when he does not do well.
It is just the same way as you train a dog, to train a man use identical tactics but make the sex a more regular part of the reward (sorry my sick humor showed through there for a moment).
Xenolan
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This is something that, as a man, I have a hard time with. My wife has said before that she likes being tied up, etc., but I have two problems with it:
(1) I don't know what to say or do! Once she's tied up and blindfolded, I have no idea how to progress. It places the ball firmly in my court and I just have no idea what she will find a turn-on versus what's going to completely ruin it. One of the problems is that she never really tells me what she likes, only what she doesn't. So far most of what I've found is in the latter category; for instance, one time I had her tied up and told her to beg me for my cock, and this happened to rub her completely the wrong way and killed the whole thing. A similar mood-breaker happened when I experimented with ice cubes on her nipples (which tickled too much) and when I spent five minutes massaging her feet (which she found boring). The only time I ever really scored a success was a time when I tied her up, blindfolded her, and then just went staight to intercourse with no foreplay at all (I used K-Y to make it easier for her). But the next time I tried that, she complained.
(2) I have a hang-up: I can only get excited about sex with a willing partner. (And as hang-ups go, I think that's a pretty healthy one.) Behaving in a dominant manner is a real turn-off for me, because it feels like I'm forcing someone. This is why I wanted her to beg, because at least that would indicate desire, but as it is one can see why I might get the idea that she's actually not enjoying it, even though she tells me that it's what she wants to do.
I think that one reason why many men are uncomfortable playing the dom is the same as mine, which is that we don't want to be perceived as rapists. It may sound extreme, but society (rightfully) condemns the act of forcing sex on someone as evil and barbaric, so decent men want to avoid even the appearance of such things.
People are giving the advice that one must be submissive, but it requires more than that - one must be a willing submissive. As a submissive, you must show that you enjoy what is happening to you. If it turns you on to pretend you're not enjoying it, then that's probably something you'll need to work up to. Speaking as a reluctant Dom, what would help me at first is:
To know in advance whether there is anything that is strictly forbidden. For that matter, it is good to know one or two things that are particularly good, just to have a place to start.
To hear begging and pleading, so that the man knows that there is genuine desire.
Cues like moaning and squirming to indicate what is pleasurable (silence and immobility will be interpreted otherwise)
Tone helps. There is a right and a wrong way to say something like, "I feel like such a cheap whore when you make me suck your cock."
Another thing that might help is to assume the Dominant role yourself, and show him what you want.
Be willing! If you're putting yourself in the submissive position, that means that you no longer call all the shots. If he wants to sixty-nine, then do it even if it's not your favorite position. If he wants to spend ten minutes feeling your tits and sucking your nipples, then you've handed him the keys to do exactly that. If this sounds unpleasant, then guess what - you're not cut out to be a submissive. (forgive the tone, please - frustration with my wife creeping in.)
Most of all, post-coital reassurance! Make sure he knows that you loved it. And if there's anything you didn't particularly care for, the next morning would probably be a better time to bring it up. (exception - if it's painful or just too degrading, any decent guy will not only understand if you tell him right away, he would want you to.)
(1) I don't know what to say or do! Once she's tied up and blindfolded, I have no idea how to progress. It places the ball firmly in my court and I just have no idea what she will find a turn-on versus what's going to completely ruin it. One of the problems is that she never really tells me what she likes, only what she doesn't. So far most of what I've found is in the latter category; for instance, one time I had her tied up and told her to beg me for my cock, and this happened to rub her completely the wrong way and killed the whole thing. A similar mood-breaker happened when I experimented with ice cubes on her nipples (which tickled too much) and when I spent five minutes massaging her feet (which she found boring). The only time I ever really scored a success was a time when I tied her up, blindfolded her, and then just went staight to intercourse with no foreplay at all (I used K-Y to make it easier for her). But the next time I tried that, she complained.
(2) I have a hang-up: I can only get excited about sex with a willing partner. (And as hang-ups go, I think that's a pretty healthy one.) Behaving in a dominant manner is a real turn-off for me, because it feels like I'm forcing someone. This is why I wanted her to beg, because at least that would indicate desire, but as it is one can see why I might get the idea that she's actually not enjoying it, even though she tells me that it's what she wants to do.
I think that one reason why many men are uncomfortable playing the dom is the same as mine, which is that we don't want to be perceived as rapists. It may sound extreme, but society (rightfully) condemns the act of forcing sex on someone as evil and barbaric, so decent men want to avoid even the appearance of such things.
People are giving the advice that one must be submissive, but it requires more than that - one must be a willing submissive. As a submissive, you must show that you enjoy what is happening to you. If it turns you on to pretend you're not enjoying it, then that's probably something you'll need to work up to. Speaking as a reluctant Dom, what would help me at first is:
To know in advance whether there is anything that is strictly forbidden. For that matter, it is good to know one or two things that are particularly good, just to have a place to start.
To hear begging and pleading, so that the man knows that there is genuine desire.
Cues like moaning and squirming to indicate what is pleasurable (silence and immobility will be interpreted otherwise)
Tone helps. There is a right and a wrong way to say something like, "I feel like such a cheap whore when you make me suck your cock."
Another thing that might help is to assume the Dominant role yourself, and show him what you want.
Be willing! If you're putting yourself in the submissive position, that means that you no longer call all the shots. If he wants to sixty-nine, then do it even if it's not your favorite position. If he wants to spend ten minutes feeling your tits and sucking your nipples, then you've handed him the keys to do exactly that. If this sounds unpleasant, then guess what - you're not cut out to be a submissive. (forgive the tone, please - frustration with my wife creeping in.)
Most of all, post-coital reassurance! Make sure he knows that you loved it. And if there's anything you didn't particularly care for, the next morning would probably be a better time to bring it up. (exception - if it's painful or just too degrading, any decent guy will not only understand if you tell him right away, he would want you to.)
FurryFury
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When I became obsessed with the idea of something, lets say spanking. I mentioned it. Mentioned that I was obsessing about it, watched him wince and give his patented curmudgeon look.
I mentioned that it made me wet to think about. That I was doing it in cyber and couldn't keep count. It just flipped my mind.
I told him I didn't know if I would like it in real life and that I was worried I might turn around and attack.
He had been spanked a lot as a kid. There were no good thoughts there for him about spanking.
So I sent him a fantasy I've been having a LONG time but hadn't had the courage to share with him, in which I come from being spanked.
And I found sites that showed spanking. Because I knew that unlike me he likes pictures. I knew he liked to look at bizarre shit too so I found him some and he had to reluctantly admit that it turned him on to see those asses turn red.
One night during sex he sort of pseudo spanked me and I deliberately over reacted to encourage more. Mostly I just over reacted though because I loved the idea of it and loved that he was doing the little he was for me.
One night I took the directive of an online Master and practiced making a stinging spank on myself. This made me learn to love my own ass which is much smaller and more pleasing to the touch that I had pictured in my mind.
I then used that stinging spank on HIM while doing other more pleasurable things to him and he learned clearly for the FIRST time that spankings can be a pleasurable sensation!!!
Now he rarely fucks me when he doesn't spank me a little.
Please note I never asked him to spank me.
I let him do it only when and if he wanted to.
I merely expressed my intense interest in spanking.
Fury
I mentioned that it made me wet to think about. That I was doing it in cyber and couldn't keep count. It just flipped my mind.
I told him I didn't know if I would like it in real life and that I was worried I might turn around and attack.
He had been spanked a lot as a kid. There were no good thoughts there for him about spanking.
So I sent him a fantasy I've been having a LONG time but hadn't had the courage to share with him, in which I come from being spanked.
And I found sites that showed spanking. Because I knew that unlike me he likes pictures. I knew he liked to look at bizarre shit too so I found him some and he had to reluctantly admit that it turned him on to see those asses turn red.
One night during sex he sort of pseudo spanked me and I deliberately over reacted to encourage more. Mostly I just over reacted though because I loved the idea of it and loved that he was doing the little he was for me.
One night I took the directive of an online Master and practiced making a stinging spank on myself. This made me learn to love my own ass which is much smaller and more pleasing to the touch that I had pictured in my mind.
I then used that stinging spank on HIM while doing other more pleasurable things to him and he learned clearly for the FIRST time that spankings can be a pleasurable sensation!!!
Now he rarely fucks me when he doesn't spank me a little.
Please note I never asked him to spank me.
I let him do it only when and if he wanted to.
I merely expressed my intense interest in spanking.
Fury
I know what you mean, I would be totally incapable of rape, just couldn't do it. I get pleasure from my partner's pleasure but I have difficulty crossing that line regarding my dominating or inflicting any type of pain or discomfort on someone I love.
Still I do pretend for her, because it turns her on and as long as I know she is really enjoying it I can dominate and perform very light bondage and etc.
Xenolan
Really Experienced
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And therein lies my problem, because my wife gives me no cues insofar as whether she's enjoying any of it. I think she just wants to be able to lie there and have me do things to her, but damn if I can figure out what and she's not giving me any sort of hints or suggestions, except to tell me what I'm doing wrong.Scepter said:
This is even more frustrating that other sexual problems between me and my wife, because this is something she claims to really want and enjoy - but she won't tell me HOW TO DO IT!!!
FurryFury
Addict of Sensation
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Xenolan said:
Have y'all done an evaluation of what each of you or at least she might be into? One of the BDSM checklist things.
That could help a lot. She sounds like she is being very immature in how she handles things so far.
Communication so imperative in a relationship with any sort of Dom/sub thing going on. You can insist that she provide you with certain information using check lists or having her write down scenarios and/or fantasies for you. If she says she wants you in charge, I agree she should accept anything you dish out that has not be stated to be a limit for her.
Fury
Xenolan,
Your biggest problem would seem to be a lack of communication, if she is unwilling to talk this over with you I don't see how it can come to a satisfactory conclusion for either of you.
My girlfriend and I once sat down and wrote a list of the things we would enjoy doing, things we wouldn't want to do and the things that turned us on or off, fantasies included.
Later we compared what we had written, and this really helped when we decided to get "kinky". I know what she likes and she knows what I like, we also know each others limits...It helps a lot and I highly recommend this for everyone.
But ultimately the whole thing hinges on whether she is open to communication and in expressing her wants and feelings...
Your biggest problem would seem to be a lack of communication, if she is unwilling to talk this over with you I don't see how it can come to a satisfactory conclusion for either of you.
My girlfriend and I once sat down and wrote a list of the things we would enjoy doing, things we wouldn't want to do and the things that turned us on or off, fantasies included.
Later we compared what we had written, and this really helped when we decided to get "kinky". I know what she likes and she knows what I like, we also know each others limits...It helps a lot and I highly recommend this for everyone.
But ultimately the whole thing hinges on whether she is open to communication and in expressing her wants and feelings...
